Just....Jess.
wow. i don't even know where to begin. so i spent all weekend looking forward to jay coming down - i couldn't wait to see him, to hold him. it was what i really needed after being alone these last two weeks and dealing with him moving home. i guess i made a big mistake.
we broke up yesterday afternoon. wait, let me correct that. he left ME yesterday afternoon. because of the jealous person i am. because im a horrible person. (these are my words, not his). because he wants to be alone. he doesn't feel it anymore, he hasn't since the day he moved out of my apartment, yet I was constantly told that things were fine and that we were going to make it, as late as friday night when he got down here. The worst thing is, I didn't know this was coming.
Basically what it comes down to is that he doesn't love me anymore. guess since he was the first to say it, he was the first to take it back.
I feel like someon ripped the heart out of my chest and the life out of me. There has not been a time in the last year and a half (last wednesday) that I did not picture my future without him in it, especially since HE started talking about rings and future living situations. and now im at a completely loss. I really thought I was going to marry him. have kids with him. build a house with him. watch his hockey games. grow up with little frascilians. learn to play golf. grow old. I guess I was wrong. But you know what, at one time these were his dreams too.
What do I do now? I had to come home last night because no one down there gives a rats ass about things. I had to freaking come home and cry to my parents, who give me the "maybe its better this way." or "you dont want to be married and have somethng like this happen" but it wouldn't if i were married, see because then id be WITH HIM. Not 400 miles away in the most miserable place on earth.
But here I am. DEEPLY in love with someone who doesn't give a rat's ass about me. Or about working things out. Lost of a future with that someone which was so perfect. Living in apartment I got for US, with half of the things in their from him, or that he put together. I can't move out - they suck you into the lease.
All I want to do is to be able to talk to him. And I have on the phone, but I don't want to be just Jess. It didn't work out for me. I lovd being a part of "Jess and Jay" It was like he made me complete. I want to be able to go up and see him. I don't want him to end in life yesterday driving out of the complexes parking lot.
I've asked for another chance. For when he's done being alone to please think of me. He was my one. And I used to be his. He felt that I was controlling his life, and maybe I was but I was never informed so I could never change.
This is what I want. I don't know if he's gonna read this anymore or not. I don't know if he gives a shit anymore or not. But what I want is for us both to get our lives established again. And then try to be together again. Because how do we know that it is not going to work if we've never tried?? How do we know things can't change if we've never tried?
I'm just so so so so hurt and lost right now that I don't know where to begin with my life. I have a test, paper, and presentation on Friday, but the chances of that getting done (sucessfully) right now is zilch.
I hate my life.
I've posted it before, and I say it again with the deepest meaning - Moving to PA for grad school was the worst choice I have ever made.
please, if you read this....please comment me. (this goes for YOU too...)
we broke up yesterday afternoon. wait, let me correct that. he left ME yesterday afternoon. because of the jealous person i am. because im a horrible person. (these are my words, not his). because he wants to be alone. he doesn't feel it anymore, he hasn't since the day he moved out of my apartment, yet I was constantly told that things were fine and that we were going to make it, as late as friday night when he got down here. The worst thing is, I didn't know this was coming.
Basically what it comes down to is that he doesn't love me anymore. guess since he was the first to say it, he was the first to take it back.
I feel like someon ripped the heart out of my chest and the life out of me. There has not been a time in the last year and a half (last wednesday) that I did not picture my future without him in it, especially since HE started talking about rings and future living situations. and now im at a completely loss. I really thought I was going to marry him. have kids with him. build a house with him. watch his hockey games. grow up with little frascilians. learn to play golf. grow old. I guess I was wrong. But you know what, at one time these were his dreams too.
What do I do now? I had to come home last night because no one down there gives a rats ass about things. I had to freaking come home and cry to my parents, who give me the "maybe its better this way." or "you dont want to be married and have somethng like this happen" but it wouldn't if i were married, see because then id be WITH HIM. Not 400 miles away in the most miserable place on earth.
But here I am. DEEPLY in love with someone who doesn't give a rat's ass about me. Or about working things out. Lost of a future with that someone which was so perfect. Living in apartment I got for US, with half of the things in their from him, or that he put together. I can't move out - they suck you into the lease.
All I want to do is to be able to talk to him. And I have on the phone, but I don't want to be just Jess. It didn't work out for me. I lovd being a part of "Jess and Jay" It was like he made me complete. I want to be able to go up and see him. I don't want him to end in life yesterday driving out of the complexes parking lot.
I've asked for another chance. For when he's done being alone to please think of me. He was my one. And I used to be his. He felt that I was controlling his life, and maybe I was but I was never informed so I could never change.
This is what I want. I don't know if he's gonna read this anymore or not. I don't know if he gives a shit anymore or not. But what I want is for us both to get our lives established again. And then try to be together again. Because how do we know that it is not going to work if we've never tried?? How do we know things can't change if we've never tried?
I'm just so so so so hurt and lost right now that I don't know where to begin with my life. I have a test, paper, and presentation on Friday, but the chances of that getting done (sucessfully) right now is zilch.
I hate my life.
I've posted it before, and I say it again with the deepest meaning - Moving to PA for grad school was the worst choice I have ever made.
please, if you read this....please comment me. (this goes for YOU too...)