my 1st love
seeing laura today made me recall another painful memory.
this memory is of my 1st love. this wasnt any silly crush, and this wasn't just some hormonal lust over the opposite sex. i knew i loved this girl, from the moment i could understand what love was. her name was olivia cerrone. i met her in 6th grade when we were in band together. i played the clarinet, and she played the piano. while i was only an average musician, she was an excellent one. it took many months to get the nerve to get close to her.
being the shy person i was/am, i always admired her from afar. one of the main reasons i was attracted to her was because she was an artist. i think i mentioned before how im more attracted to artistically inclined people.
but it wasnt just the melodies she played on the piano that caught my ear, she was an exceptional writer and a talented painter/sketcher.
i can remember going as far as joining the literary club and the art club just to be near her. now dont get me wrong, i didnt just go there for her. she just happened to be a benefit. long ago, i used to be gifted in the arts. i was talented at drawing, and was a decent writer. like most gifts though, without practice, your abilities wane. i thank my depression for that.
but over time, we became friends. i can remember eating lunch with her and her friends, and at the "recess" part, we'd just sit together and talk while she was either drawing or writing. it was my favorite part of the day.
she was also attracted to me. she actually liked me. her friends tried to convince me to ask her out. she even said herself that she would go out with me, all she wanted was for me to ask her out.
unfortunately for me, people found out about my attraction to her. they embarassed me. they made me feel worthless. i was once again a leper. i was filled with fear, and i couldnt even ask her out on 1 date. i let my 1st love slip through my fingers. too afraid to stand on my own feet, too afraid to defend the person i cared for.
what made things worse, is i remember later on in the year my grade had the washington dc field trip. part of the trip was a dinner/dance cruise on a luxury boat. i couldnt eat that night, mainly because of 1 image. her dressed up as beautiful as ever, standing all by herself staring out into the ocean...and me once again staring at her from afar...too chicken to make a move on the 1st woman to ever return the same feelings i had for her...
i was such a coward...too wrapped up in my shell...too afraid to embrace the warmth that is love...
olivia, wherever you are...i wish for you to live the best life possible. i wish for you to be happy with whoever is lucky enough to put a smile on your face. you are a wonderful person and a wonderful woman. i pray your artistic talents have not declined as mine have. you had a great gift. be happy olivia, that is what i wish, for you to be as happy as i am now.
this memory is of my 1st love. this wasnt any silly crush, and this wasn't just some hormonal lust over the opposite sex. i knew i loved this girl, from the moment i could understand what love was. her name was olivia cerrone. i met her in 6th grade when we were in band together. i played the clarinet, and she played the piano. while i was only an average musician, she was an excellent one. it took many months to get the nerve to get close to her.
being the shy person i was/am, i always admired her from afar. one of the main reasons i was attracted to her was because she was an artist. i think i mentioned before how im more attracted to artistically inclined people.
but it wasnt just the melodies she played on the piano that caught my ear, she was an exceptional writer and a talented painter/sketcher.
i can remember going as far as joining the literary club and the art club just to be near her. now dont get me wrong, i didnt just go there for her. she just happened to be a benefit. long ago, i used to be gifted in the arts. i was talented at drawing, and was a decent writer. like most gifts though, without practice, your abilities wane. i thank my depression for that.
but over time, we became friends. i can remember eating lunch with her and her friends, and at the "recess" part, we'd just sit together and talk while she was either drawing or writing. it was my favorite part of the day.
she was also attracted to me. she actually liked me. her friends tried to convince me to ask her out. she even said herself that she would go out with me, all she wanted was for me to ask her out.
unfortunately for me, people found out about my attraction to her. they embarassed me. they made me feel worthless. i was once again a leper. i was filled with fear, and i couldnt even ask her out on 1 date. i let my 1st love slip through my fingers. too afraid to stand on my own feet, too afraid to defend the person i cared for.
what made things worse, is i remember later on in the year my grade had the washington dc field trip. part of the trip was a dinner/dance cruise on a luxury boat. i couldnt eat that night, mainly because of 1 image. her dressed up as beautiful as ever, standing all by herself staring out into the ocean...and me once again staring at her from afar...too chicken to make a move on the 1st woman to ever return the same feelings i had for her...
i was such a coward...too wrapped up in my shell...too afraid to embrace the warmth that is love...
olivia, wherever you are...i wish for you to live the best life possible. i wish for you to be happy with whoever is lucky enough to put a smile on your face. you are a wonderful person and a wonderful woman. i pray your artistic talents have not declined as mine have. you had a great gift. be happy olivia, that is what i wish, for you to be as happy as i am now.