On managing things better: thinky thoughts
Been thinking about how my health issues played into my screwing up, and what I can do about that, because one big issue is that I should not have been posting at all, and probably not reading either, while my brain was as fuzzy as it's been these last days.
The related issue is that it was just fuzzy enough that I thought I was doing better than I was; and this is partly because I don't like doing horribly so I lie to myself about how I'm doing, and that's a long-term thing to deal with; but it's also partly, I think, because my health situation is changing and I hadn't caught up with it. Before, if I was doing that badly I'd just be physically unable to cope even as badly as I did; I'd just go hide under the covers. Which is what I should still be doing in that state! But I had different internal cues from before, and misread them.
So, coping strategy the first, I need to be doing actively well before I start reading my flist again. Yes, I want to know how my friends are doing, but no, I don't need to screw things up for them in the process, so it can wait.
Coping strategy the second, I need to assume that anger/upset still knocks out my thinking skills, even if I can now make sentences. a) this doesn't mean I can READ sentences right, and b) the sentences I make aren't the sentences I mean to be making. Not to tone argument anyone; for other people, posting while angry can be fine (and so can posting while not cognitively at best). For me, though, it's a terrible idea.
Coping strategy the third, I need to understand my current state a lot better. I've been poking at this. I think there are at least four interconnected vicious cycles I need to break. Bolded where I think they can be broken.
1) brainfuzz -> misunderstanding/miscommunicating -> stress -> cortisol deficiency -> brainfuzz
2) trigger point tension -> pain -> fatigue -> brainfuzz -> failure to poke at pain cause it hurts -> trigger point tension
( 2b) trigger point tension -> pain -> brainfuzz -> stress -> trigger point tension )
3) asthma -> coughing -> trigger point tension -> insomnia -> asthma
4) asthma & eczema -> corticosteroid use -> adrenal suppression -> asthma & eczema & all the rest
ETA: Add in: pain -> hot baths etc to cope -> eczema; not a cycle but an added problem
So (1) requires me to think straight and make good judgements, and (2-4) cause me to not think straight, thus the first two coping strategies, I think. And environmental input can make things worse, but lack of environmental input results in depressive symptoms.
Which leads to another thing I need to poke at: why am I so resistant to considering depression/anxiety disorder/something like that as part of what's going on here? In the US I was resistant because it kept being pushed at me by people who wouldn't consider endocrine issues at all, so I was pushing back against that. But now, here? Part of it is that when I do manage to break the cycles above at least for a bit, I do a lot better cognitively/emotionally and energywise, and occam's razor. But is occam's razor actually a good principle when thinking about massively interconnected systems? Or is this residual psychophobia in action? Or is it reasonable caution given my previous bad experiences with western psychiatry, as a woman of colour? And not being comfortable with the woman part, as other people will understand it, makes that scarier. *flails*
Eh. Again I have no answers, but hopefully am asking some of the right questions.
The related issue is that it was just fuzzy enough that I thought I was doing better than I was; and this is partly because I don't like doing horribly so I lie to myself about how I'm doing, and that's a long-term thing to deal with; but it's also partly, I think, because my health situation is changing and I hadn't caught up with it. Before, if I was doing that badly I'd just be physically unable to cope even as badly as I did; I'd just go hide under the covers. Which is what I should still be doing in that state! But I had different internal cues from before, and misread them.
So, coping strategy the first, I need to be doing actively well before I start reading my flist again. Yes, I want to know how my friends are doing, but no, I don't need to screw things up for them in the process, so it can wait.
Coping strategy the second, I need to assume that anger/upset still knocks out my thinking skills, even if I can now make sentences. a) this doesn't mean I can READ sentences right, and b) the sentences I make aren't the sentences I mean to be making. Not to tone argument anyone; for other people, posting while angry can be fine (and so can posting while not cognitively at best). For me, though, it's a terrible idea.
Coping strategy the third, I need to understand my current state a lot better. I've been poking at this. I think there are at least four interconnected vicious cycles I need to break. Bolded where I think they can be broken.
1) brainfuzz -> misunderstanding/miscommunicating -> stress -> cortisol deficiency -> brainfuzz
2) trigger point tension -> pain -> fatigue -> brainfuzz -> failure to poke at pain cause it hurts -> trigger point tension
( 2b) trigger point tension -> pain -> brainfuzz -> stress -> trigger point tension )
3) asthma -> coughing -> trigger point tension -> insomnia -> asthma
4) asthma & eczema -> corticosteroid use -> adrenal suppression -> asthma & eczema & all the rest
ETA: Add in: pain -> hot baths etc to cope -> eczema; not a cycle but an added problem
So (1) requires me to think straight and make good judgements, and (2-4) cause me to not think straight, thus the first two coping strategies, I think. And environmental input can make things worse, but lack of environmental input results in depressive symptoms.
Which leads to another thing I need to poke at: why am I so resistant to considering depression/anxiety disorder/something like that as part of what's going on here? In the US I was resistant because it kept being pushed at me by people who wouldn't consider endocrine issues at all, so I was pushing back against that. But now, here? Part of it is that when I do manage to break the cycles above at least for a bit, I do a lot better cognitively/emotionally and energywise, and occam's razor. But is occam's razor actually a good principle when thinking about massively interconnected systems? Or is this residual psychophobia in action? Or is it reasonable caution given my previous bad experiences with western psychiatry, as a woman of colour? And not being comfortable with the woman part, as other people will understand it, makes that scarier. *flails*
Eh. Again I have no answers, but hopefully am asking some of the right questions.