Entry #1 200140422
IT has been almost six years since I have written an entry on this journal. It seems a little weird to be writing here again after everything is said and done. I have read the entries from the past and have seen how everything around has evolved and dissolved. Friendships have been made and broken. loves have been won and lost. Everything seems to run in a spiral while staying all the same. I noticed i have changed as well. Some good some bad. I lost myself there for awhile but have been given the chance to find who i am again. I live with no regrets, but if there is one thing that has changed in my life that i am willing to call a regret it would probably be losing my best friend of 15 years. It seems we are all destined to lose someone important in our lives, I just didn't think it would be her. The reason it bothers me more than anything else is due to the fact that this person is also my first love. It seems no matter hoe much shit we get into I can't not love her. It still holds true even now. Knowing she will never love me the same way I love her does hurt a little, but I still love her all the same. Being apart from her , even as a friend, has been very sobering on the facts of life and how unfair it could be. Sometimes we have no choice but to let life run its course and see what happens from there.. other times we have to make a decision on what to do next. my decision is simple. I have decided that her happiness triumphs over any "needs" of my own and have not tried to contact her in any way. wait.... i lied. i did try to contact her on her bday to let her know i was wishing her a great one. but other than that I have not tried due to not wanting to make any more waves. THough part of me wants to create tidal waves to show her that she is in fact worth fighting an dying for. but isnt that what i have been trying to do all along?. Idk.. it seems here and now will be the place i keep my logs to further my findings on my own mind and emotions as well as others.. this should be interesting i will try to write an entry at least once a week to keep an up to date record.. see where life goes.. what paths are chosen. Maybe one day my twiztid wonderland will become a reality and people will understand whatmy intentions were all along. who knows.. until the next episode..