Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour - Chapter 5 (Pt.2)
I had to cut the post in two parts cause the chapter is too long apparently and lj won't let me post it XD
And again, huge thanks to llamaramauk for being such an awesome beta :)
Title: Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
Authors: Lyrical Rawr & Shiva
Pairing: Fake!? Phoenix/Edgeworth
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor/Romance
Warnings: Swearing, possible SPOILERS for GS1 and 2
Status: Complete
Word count (Ch.5): 10,732
Summary: Miles desperately needs a way to get rid of an unwanted admirer, and what better way is there than to pretend to date his very male, straight best friend and rival? It sounded so foolproof in his head...
Chapter 1 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 21
Chapter 2 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 17
Chapter 3 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 18
Chapter 4 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 19
Chapter 5 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 20
*** WARNING!!! This is Part TWO of Chapter 5!!! ***
Click here for Part One!
The car journey was largely uneventful, Phoenix attempting to start up a conversation many times at first, but eventually giving up when all Miles gave him were one-word answers without even bothering to glance back at him.
After parking the car, they walked to the restaurant that Kath had chosen for them the day before. Phoenix leaned against some railings in front of the building and seemed to do a double take at the opulence of the exterior, probably wondering if there had been some kind of mistake. Miles just stood there, arms crossed, and there was silence for several minutes.
Well, this is cosy…
Miles checked his watch.
Five minutes to seven… and Everett’s not supposed to show up until seven thirty.
I should have known that rushing wouldn’t get me out of this any faster.
What was I thinking? Now I’m stuck here with Wright for half an hour…
“Are you trying to mentally speed up the second hand or something?”
Miles turned to look at Phoenix, who was frowning at him. He rolled his eyes and directed his attention back to his watch.
Phoenix sighed. “Is this your way of storing all your social abilities up for later? Good idea, I suppose. I know you’re in short supply.”
You have no idea…
“Shut up, Wright,” Miles grumbled.
Phoenix sighed again. “You’re not going to be like this all night, are you?”
“Why? How else should I be?”
“Pleasant.”
“I’m always pleasant,” Miles said dryly, looking up again to see an amused smile on Phoenix’s face. He immediately regretted it as his stomach suddenly felt incredibly light.
This man is bad for my health.
“You’re always pleasant to the eyes, you mean,” Phoenix replied, smirking evilly.
Oh, hell no…
“Wright, please tell me you’re not planning on making stupid jokes all night.”
Phoenix chuckled. “Well, if you don’t want me to, you better stop ignoring me.”
“I don’t like to discuss irrelevant things,” Miles bit back.
“Hmm… No irrelevant talking… No physical contact without you freaking out… No discussing anything personal…”
Miles noticed Phoenix rub his neck and bite his lip, and he had to blink a couple of times before he could snap out of his staring.
Traitors, he mentally scolded his eyes.
After a few seconds, Phoenix dropped his arm, and Miles noted the bead of sweat that ran from his forehead. “We’re screwed.”
Miles looked at him blankly. “…What? What are you talking about?”
“The date, Edgeworth.” Phoenix rolled his eyes. “What’s wrong with you today?”
Trust me, I’d like to know as well…
Phoenix shook his head. “Do you even realize that you’re going to ruin everything if you don’t at least try to follow the conditions? If you want to keep being stubborn, then I don’t know why I even bother.” Phoenix shrugged. “Oh well… At least, by the end of tonight, it’ll be fairly obvious that we’re not dating and this whole charade can end.”
It’ll end before it’s even begun…
Miles sighed.
Fine. You win, Wright.
“Alright, I’ll try. If you think it’ll work, I suppose it can’t be worse than having Everett constantly harass me. Besides, I’m not a complete unsociable wreck.”
Phoenix raised an eyebrow.
Miles scowled. “At the very least, I have business meetings.”
“I still think ‘unsociable wreck’ describes you pretty well.”
“You watch. I’ll make it work, if not just to spite you,” Miles replied indignantly.
“Hah. This will be interesting,” Phoenix said, smirking. “I wonder if we can pull it off.”
“Pull what off?”
Miles and Phoenix both jumped at the interruption from the all-too-recognizable voice behind them.
Kath stood there with her arms crossed and a confused look on her face, before her expression suddenly turned into one of embarrassment. “…Or do I not want to know?”
Oh Christ.
“How long have you been listening in?” Phoenix asked quickly, looking at her with wide eyes.
“I-I’m sorry! I didn’t… didn’t mean to interrupt your private conversation. I only heard your last comment, I swear!”
Miles shook his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
That… was too close.
Wait… What is she doing here already?
He glanced at his watch.
“You’re early, Everett. Our date is not for another thirty minutes.”
Kath frowned. “What…? Didn’t we say seven o’clock?”
Miles shook his head.
Thank God for the scatterbrained woman… Now we can get this over with.
“No matter. It’s lovely to see you, Everett,” Miles said silkily, bowing. “May I compliment you on your fine choice of restaurant?”
“Please, Miles, call me Kath. And I’m glad you like the restaurant. I spent a long time choosing the perfect place! Not that I made a fuss over it or anything…” Kath’s face flushed slightly and she looked at the floor in embarrassment.
Phoenix chuckled. “Aww, such a charmer with the ladies, aren’t you? You never complimented me on my suit and I ironed it specially for you.”
What do you think you’re doing, Wright?
“Could have fooled me. It looks like the same old crumpled suit I see you in every day,” Miles bit back.
“Hey! We can’t all afford to buy disposable suits, you know!”
Miles raised an eyebrow. “Of course not. But I’m pretty sure anyone can afford at least some kind of taste.”
Phoenix shook his head and slapped his palm against his forehead. Miles could practically see ‘We’re doomed’ written all over his face.
Well, damn you, Wright! You were the one who started it!
“Oh, dear… Have I walked in on a domestic?” Kath asked, sounding suspiciously hopeful.
Phoenix laughed nervously. “Nothing of the sort, honest. Personal joke, you see…” He scratched the back of his neck. “Well, shall we go in, then?” He gestured for her to walk in front of them.
“Sure, let’s go, I’m starving!” Kath replied enthusiastically, setting off towards the entrance.
“What the hell happened to all that talk about spiting me?” Phoenix whispered harshly into Miles’ ear as they followed Kath through the doors. “You totally blew me off!”
Miles ignored him, and instead turned his attention to Kath.
“Reservation for three under Everett, please,” she said as they reached the reception desk.
The headwaiter checked his book, before looking back up at them. He took out a handkerchief and coughed into it, before repocketing it. “We would appreciate it if you could please keep your grammar in check, Madame. That would be a reservation for three what? Three potatoes? Three pickles?”
Miles blinked.
What? No… I must have imagined it.
The chuckle from Phoenix told him otherwise.
I’m never going to live that down, am I?
“Oh, I’m sorry. I was supposed to say ‘reservation for three people’,” Kath amended, sounding annoyed.
Phoenix leaned in to whisper in his ear again. “What’s with the stiff?”
Miles turned to him and shrugged. “He must think he’s special because he works at such a highly ranked restaurant.”
“Well, damn, being posh doesn’t automatically make you rude.” Phoenix shook his head, before giving Miles an exaggerated look. “Actually, scratch that…”
“What happened to being pleasant, Wright? I’m sure it’s a two-way thing.”
The headwaiter eyed the three of them again, before drawing his handkerchief back out.
“You were meant to say, you mean. Not ‘supposed’,” he scoffed.
I’m sure either is fine. He’s just being a nuisance now.
“Sorry. I meant to say ‘reservation for three people’,” Kath repeated, her eye twitching.
“It’s ‘reservation under the name of Everett for three people’, if you want to be fully correct.”
Kath bared her teeth and rose onto her tiptoes to look down at the old man. “Now, you listen here, you pedantic bast--”
“Excuse me,” Miles cut in, stepping in front of Kath. “Is this how you treat all your customers? I’m amazed this place still gets business. Now, you either show us to our table immediately or I’m asking for the manager. And believe me, if you value your job, you don’t want me to do that.”
The headwaiter gave him an unimpressed look. “Please, sir. Keep it down. You’re bothering the other diners. Don’t you have any manners?”
What!?
“I’m the one with no manners!? What do you think you’ve been doing since we got here? I really don’t think Everett deserved any of that.”
The headwaiter coughed. “A gentleman would never refer to a lady by her surname alone.”
That’s it, I’ve had enough…
“Look, here. I--”
“Please excuse my partner for his rudeness,” Phoenix interrupted. “I think he’s had a long day. What he meant to say is that his partner invited us here to have a good time, not to argue over etiquette.”
The headwaiter raised an eyebrow. “Your partner? His partner? I think you’ll find that makes them both your partners, sir. Either learn to use proper grammar, or you can take your little business meeting elsewhere.”
Phoenix smirked. “You’re wrong, I’m afraid. I meant the former as ‘my lover’. Therefore, my statement makes perfect sense.”
Miles hid behind his hand in shame and pretended not to see what was going on in front of him.
Great. Just lovely. Why not announce our relationship to the world while you’re at it?
The old man gave Phoenix a cold glare before guiding them over to their table. He dropped the menus onto it in an offhand manner, avoiding eye contact. He then returned to his post without any further words, probably eager to move on to his next victim.
“Good evening to you too, jerk,” Phoenix muttered under his breath.
This was the first time Miles could manage to get a good look at the room, which was split into two sections; a bar area on one side and the busy restaurant on the other. Many tables were already occupied by couples, giving the impression that the restaurant was a hot spot for people on dates. There were a few booths fitted for four people, like the one they had been assigned, but these didn’t seem as popular as the tables with separate seats. The people closest to them were a family of four three tables down. It was a nicely secluded area, at least.
Phoenix seemed impressed with his surroundings as his eyes darted about, taking in the portraits and plants on the walls. He shuffled into the booth and looked staggered by the fact that he had three forks, three knives and two spoons.
“You know, Miles, I could have handled that perfectly fine by myself,” Kath said, still angry. “He really wasn’t worth your time.” She eyed the headwaiter disapprovingly before sliding into the seat opposite Phoenix.
Miles made a move to sit next to her, but stopped when he saw the look on Phoenix’s face.
That’s right. He’s my date. How could I forget?
He sighed and went to sit on the other side instead. He scooted along the seat, only to have his knee brush against Phoenix’s. A slight prickling of his skin when it did made him yelp and flinch, causing him to ram his knee up into the table.
“Ow, ow!” He clutched his leg as pain flooded through it. “Wright! What do you think you’re doing!?”
Phoenix blinked. “But… huh? I didn’t do any--”
Kath coughed and glared over at Phoenix. “Mr. Wright, would you please keep your hands to yourself? This is a highly respected restaurant! I’m sure you can save that… sort of thing for later.”
…What? She can’t seriously be insinuating…
Phoenix’s face flushed a brilliant red and his hands suddenly appeared in full view onto the table.
I knew it. This whole thing is going to be the death of me.
“Evere… Kath, Wright wasn’t--ouch!” More pain flashed through Miles’ already table-abused leg as he realised that Phoenix had just kicked him.
“Something wrong, Miles?” Phoenix asked innocently.
Miles twitched. “Just caught my knee on the table. Nothing to worry about, Ph… Phoenix.”
He sent Phoenix a glare that read ‘Ask to rub it better, I dare you’ and picked up his menu to hide him from view.
Kath eyed Phoenix, apparently peeved that he had the better seat and that he was toying with Miles right in front of her eyes. She then shook her head and picked up her menu.
“I wonder if they have those lovely crab dishes still. It’s been ages since I last came to eat here.”
There was a long pause. Kath shuffled about a bit, visibly feeling the tension build up.
She finally broke the silence with a small giggle. “That reminds me of a funny story, actually! See, it was me and my friend Jen and her half sister… No, wait, was that her stepsister? Maybe it was her cousin… No, I’m pretty sure it was her half sister…”
What was that just then? That strange feeling in my knee…
Am I allergic to his washing powder or something?
…Yes. You keep telling yourself that.
God, I’m so hopeless…
It’s as if I can’t even act normally around Wright anymore.
Wait… Who says it has anything to do with Wright?
I’ve never been too keen on physical contact, so obviously, my reflexes just reacted strangely at the sudden proximity…
Not to mention I’m feeling so damned light-headed right now… That couldn’t have helped.
“…Miles? What’s so interesting?”
Kath’s voice instantly made him lose his train of thought and he dropped his menu in surprise.
Ah, I need to stop doing that!
The menu fell right on the fork that had been laid out for appetisers, sending it flying off the table and onto the floor, where it landed with a clatter.
Miles jerked slightly at the noise, still not fully conscious, before looking down dumbly at the piece of silverware at his feet. He bent down to pick it up, but Phoenix was faster, causing Miles to hit his forehead against the back of Phoenix’s head.
“Damn it,” Miles hissed, clutching his forehead. “I can pick a simple piece of cutlery off the floor by myself!”
Phoenix defensively waved the hand holding the fork, rubbing his head with the other. “You looked totally out of it. I was just trying to help.”
“Are you both alright?” Kath asked, a worried tone to her voice. “Oh, I’m sorry for scaring you like that, Miles! I just thought you’d found an interesting dish or something, and I was wondering if I should order the same thing.”
“It’s fine, Everett,” Miles replied, sighing. “You caught me unawares, is all.”
Why is it that every time Wright helps, it turns into a disaster?
Suddenly, a fork appeared right in front of Miles’ face, making him jerk backwards into his seat. He turned his head to the left, only to come face to face with a young woman wearing glasses who was clearly a waitress.
“I saw you drop your fork, sir, so I thought I should bring you a clean one!” She beamed down happily at Miles and placed the fork onto the table, before freezing up and clasping a hand over her mouth. “Oh! It’s not like I was staring at you or anything! I just happened to notice out of the corner of my eye, and all…”
Corner of your eye? You’re wearing glasses. Happened to notice? This part of the restaurant is empty.
There’s so many contradictions in that statement, I don’t know where to begin.
“Ah, yes, thank you,” Miles replied politely, not missing the possessive glare Kath was sending in the waitress’ direction.
“No problem! Anytime, sir. Are you ready to order?”
Of course, if we say yes, then we’re stuck with you the whole night.
“We’ll ask for service when we’re ready, thank you,” Kath piped up from across the table.
“Oh…” The waitress looked away from Miles and glanced at Kath, before looking back at him. “Oh! I wondered why your voice sounded so feminine. It was someone else! Sorry! I’ll be back when you need me.” She gave a small wave, and slowly walked away to go and serve someone else.
Looks like we’ll be stuck with her no matter what…
“I swear the staff here are picked on a basis of how much they can tick me off,” Kath said darkly. “Now I remember why I stopped coming to this place.”
Miles heard a snort of laughter come from Phoenix, who had apparently been observing everything.
“I think that waitress likes you,” he said, before hiding behind his menu, obviously trying to contain more laughter.
Kath scowled at him. “Don’t laugh at other people’s misfortune! I’m sure Miles doesn’t send off gay vibes to everyone, so it’s to be expected that women will be interested.” She sighed and picked her menu back up.
Phoenix put his down and turned to Miles, resting his chin on his hand. “Mmm, I see what you mean.”
“You see what, now?” Miles asked, not liking the look Phoenix was giving him.
“I just can’t help but agree with them.” Phoenix quickly bit his lip, trying to keep a straight face. “Any woman would love to have a man like you. I guess I’m pretty lucky to have you to myself.”
Miles’ pulse suddenly skyrocketed.
You’re enjoying humiliating me, aren’t you?
“Don’t be so feminine,” Miles scolded, putting down his menu after giving up on trying to read it, his head feeling way too light.
Phoenix shook his head. “No, seriously, Miles, I don’t know what you see in me half the time.” He sighed. “I’m clearly not in your league.”
Christ, stop the dramatics.
“You’re being too harsh on yourself,” Miles replied through his teeth.
Phoenix grinned evilly. “I was only messing around. Why would I want all that attention, anyway? After all, I already have yo--”
“Everyone ready to order yet?” Miles quickly interrupted.
Kath nodded, and Miles was about to raise his hand to call the waitress when she suddenly appeared.
“Are you ready to order now, sir?” she asked gleefully. Her eyes seemed to sparkle unnaturally brightly, though whether it was just the reflection in her glasses or something else, Miles wasn’t sure.
Phoenix suddenly burst into a fit of silent laughter and turned away.
Miles tried to ignore him and looked up at the waitress in a bit of a daze. “Err… yes, we’re ready.”
Actually… I’m really not. I haven’t even read the menu once. And I don’t even know what type of food they serve, so I can’t just make something up…
He gestured over at Phoenix. “…I’ll have whatever he’s having.”
That seemed to shut Phoenix up as he turned to give Miles a blank look.
“…What I’m having?” he repeated dumbly.
“Yes, Phoenix. I simply can’t choose from all the great dishes. I trust your judgement,” Miles said, urging Phoenix to hurry up and name something so the overly eager woman would leave.
Blankness spread over Phoenix’s face.
Don’t tell me… he’s been too busy making fun of me to actually read the menu?
“Oh… right, erm… I was thinking about ordering… err…” Phoenix looked around for inspiration, apparently too thick to simply pick up the menu, until his eyes landed on Kath. “Crab. The what-do-you-call-it one… The erm…”
Miles gestured towards the menu and Phoenix quickly picked it up.
“Crab-Stuffed Mushrooms,” he said hastily. “No, wait… You don’t like mushrooms, do you? We’ll have the Crab Melt Canapés, then.”
The waitress nodded and looked away to take Kath’s order.
Phoenix slumped back into his seat and blinked a couple of times.
Yes, I’m surprised too. How did you remember that I hate mushrooms?
“What the hell are ‘Canapés’?” Phoenix whispered as Kath read out her dish of seafood.
Oh. I should have seen that coming.
“They’re small appetisers served with drinks. They often have them at parties…” It then dawned on Miles just what Phoenix had done. “Wait a minute… You were reading from the hors d’oeuvre menu, weren’t you?”
“I was?” Phoenix looked down at the menu in his hand and chuckled. “What do you know, I was as well.”
“Wright, you do know that lengthens our ‘date’ by at least half an hour, right?” Miles hissed.
“There goes my genius plan of deliberately making us suffer longer,” Phoenix replied sarcastically. At Miles’ unimpressed look, he raised his hands in defence. “Okay, okay, I get it. I’ll reorder!”
“Is that all for now?” the waitress asked, spinning back around to face Miles.
“Actually, we’ve changed our minds,” Phoenix replied. “Never mind the crabby starter; we’ll just have a main course.”
The waitress ignored him and continued staring at Miles.
Phoenix coughed and turned the page to the main courses. “Right, I think we’ll have the Pan-Fried Scallops with Chillies, Tomatoes and Tequila.”
What kind of hellish dish is that?
Miles was too busy leaning back from the waitress’ stare to argue, though. He turned to Phoenix and gave him a desperate look, nodding over at the waitress.
Phoenix raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘What do you want me to do about it?’.
“Erm, excuse me, Miss,” Kath growled, making the waitress jump slightly. “After you’ve added a bottle of your finest white on the list, I think we’re done ordering.”
“Oh, of course. Your meal will be here shortly.” The waitress smiled sweetly and made a beeline for the kitchen.
Kath tutted under her breath. “I really don’t understand those kinds of women, you know. Getting all infatuated over men when it’s obvious they aren’t interested.”
I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that from you, Everett.
“Wri--Phoenix, what the hell did you go and order that for?” Miles finally asked.
Phoenix blinked. “Huh? Oh, that. I thought the chillies and tequila would manly you up a bit.” He smiled and patted Miles on the shoulder. “Not that you’re not manly enough for me already or anything.” At Miles’ glare, he added, smirking, “Hey, it was either that or the Lobster and Pickles.”
Miles scowled. “I merely thought the Honey-Crusted Prawns would be more to your tastes, along with a nice glass of milk.”
“I don’t get it…” Kath said weakly. “Oh, unless you mean something else when you say ‘pickle’ and ‘milk’…” She blushed crimson. “A-anyway… Now that we’ve ordered, how are you two faring?”
“Fine. Just… fine.”
Minus the fact that I have a slight Wright problem.
“I heard you managed to convict--”
“Err, Miles,” Phoenix cut in, “I don’t think work is the best subject to be getting onto. Miss Everett invited us out to relax, not to frazzle our brains on criminal affairs.”
“Exactly! And we can’t have a defence attorney listening in on prosecutor business, either… Oh! I almost forgot!” Kath chuckled. “It appears Georgie Spencer is onto you, Miles,” she said slyly, resting her chin in her hands. “She called me at around six. She couldn’t believe that you’d left before she finished working, and she asked me if it was possible that you had a date and if I knew anything about it. She sounded pretty jealous.”
Miles felt the colour drain from his face. “And what did you say?” he asked hesitantly.
“I told her you had to take your dog to the vet.”
“What dog?” He blinked. “Oh. You covered for us?”
“Of course I covered for you!” Kath exclaimed, seemingly taking offence at Miles’ disbelief. “Did I not promise to keep your relationship a secret?”
“He can get a little Edgey at times,” Phoenix cut in with a grin. “Believe me, he’s not the trusting type.”
Why does he always have to smile like that?
Can’t he just… look normal for once in his life?
That would stop all this nonsense.
Blasted spiky-haired idiot with his stupid, optimistic face and his bloody tasteless sarcasm…
Miles turned away from Phoenix, who had apparently decided to retell the tale of how they met again after fifteen years. He sighed and took to staring into space.
Stupid Wright…
If he’s not there, I visualise him.
If he is there, then I can’t look at him.
What the hell is this?
“Two Pan-Fried Scallops, a plate of Garlic Prawns and a bottle of white wine.” The waitress placed the plates in front of them, uncorked the bottle, and poured a glass for each of them. “I hope you enjoy your meal! If you would like anything else, feel free to ask for me,” she said sweetly, never taking her eyes off Miles.
This is really getting quite irritating. Isn’t there anyone else in this whole restaurant she can go and annoy?
Miles sighed and was about to speak up when he felt something warm on his right hand, which was resting on the table. He glanced down. There, right in front of the waitress’ eyes, Phoenix had grabbed his hand and was caressing it lightly.
Skin prickling and burning with the oddest sensations, any words Miles had been trying to form instantly died on his lips. He stared down blankly at his hand, completely at a loss with the situation, until a sharp pain shot through his index finger.
Ouch! The damned paper cut!
Miles winced as Phoenix stroked the same spot again.
Oblivious to Miles’ physical pain, he leaned over and whispered into his ear, “Don’t freak. I’m just helping… and following the conditions.”
Wright and his bloody help… Look where it’s landed me.
“We’ll be sure to ask if we need anything,” Phoenix said all too innocently, making sure the waitress could see the joined hands clearly. “Thank you very much.”
The waitress turned to look at him and her cheeks flushed a bright red. “N-no problem.” She pushed her glasses up and leaned forward to give him a proper look. “You’re a man?”
“Yes, I am very much a man,” Phoenix replied.
“And he’s a man too?”
“Yes, he’s a man too.”
Congratulations.
“…Right.”
“Yes, my name is Wright.”
The waitress blinked a few times and wandered off in a daze, muttering to herself.
Phoenix chuckled and dropped his hold on Miles’ hand.
Finally…
The prickling from being allergic to Wright’s soap might have been bearable, but an open paper cut being rubbed really hurt.
Miles sighed.
I’m such a wimp.
Kath beamed over at Phoenix, her expression full of newfound respect. “That was fantastic! You totally got rid of the pest!” she exclaimed, reaching out to shake hands with him.
“What can I say, I didn’t want her getting her hands on my Miles.”
Kath’s face suddenly turned sour. “I thought your relationship was meant to be a secret?” she said indignantly, crossing her arms.
I wonder if he annoyed her on purpose or if it was just a hit in my direction that ended up ricocheting towards her.
His Miles? Ridiculous.
And now my bloody pulse is acting up again.
Can he get any more annoying?
Phoenix laughed. “Yeah, it is, but I really felt like I had to do something. Miles was obviously getting uncomfortable from all her staring. It’s only natural that I would help him, right?” He smiled and looked down at his food. “Wow, this looks delicious! You’ve chosen the restaurant well, Miss Everett.”
The compliment seemed to lighten Kath back up significantly.
“Don’t think you can get back on my good side with just that, Mr. Wright,” she said, smiling, before picking up her knife and fork.
Miles shook his head.
Women.
He followed her actions as they all started cutting away at their food. It was well prepared, and the scallops weren’t too dry, but the spicy chillies weren’t so good.
Manly food my ass.
He picked out some of the chillies.
I don’t need to eat unnaturally hot substances to prove myself. I wear a cravat, for Christ’s sake.
“You don’t like the spices, Miles?” Phoenix asked between sips of wine, glancing at Miles’ plate.
“I wasn’t the one who chose such a ridiculous dish,” Miles said defensively.
“I wasn’t the one trusting my judgement.”
Miles scowled. “I only did that because I never had a chance to read the menu.”
“You never read the menu?” Kath chipped in, eyes wide. “Oh my God, you totally had me fooled!”
Miles turned to Phoenix and smirked at the shocked expression on his face.
“Aww, I really can’t get over how cute you two look together,” Kath commented, resting her chin on her hand.
Miles’ hand twitched slightly, but he managed to pass it off as a half-hearted attempt at prodding a chilli. “That’s… nice.”
“Isn’t it?” She sighed. “All night, it’s as though you two have been in your own personal little world and I really don’t fit in there with you.”
“P-personal little world?” Miles said weakly, a strange feeling settling in the pit of his stomach.
“Yeah, with all your personal jokes and little brushes and spats…”
She really hasn’t noticed that we’re not a couple…?
But I didn’t do anything different!
Perhaps the secret really is in the first name usage…
“It’s so great to see two people so in love--”
“How’s your food, Miss Everett? I’m a big fan of prawns myself,” Phoenix cut in, apparently noticing that Miles was less than comfortable with the route the conversation had taken.
“It’s fantastic!” Kath took her fork to gather two prawns and offered it to Phoenix. “Here, why don’t you have a try?”
Phoenix took the fork from her hand. “Don’t mind if I do.”
Kath chuckled and turned to look at Miles. “Aww, I think Miles feels left out, what with me taking you all to myself, Mr. Wright.”
Take away as much of him as you like, Everett. The more, the better.
“Aren’t you going to feed him some?”
Any semblance of hope Miles had left about being able to unwind quickly went up in a puff of smoke.
Is she serious?
Phoenix snickered. “You want to try some, Miles? It’s delicious.” To emphasize his point, he felt the need to lick his top lip. Slowly. Seductively.
I swear I am going to kill him.
At his lack of response, Phoenix urged him some more by waving the prawn in his direction. His evil grin read ‘Go on, I dare you’. Miles just couldn’t turn down that bet.
Fine. I’ll play your stupid little game.
Miles reached out a hand to grab the fork, but Phoenix drew it back and took the food off the end, before moving his fingers towards Miles’ mouth.
“What are you--”
“Shh, just taste it.”
His heart started hammering in his chest at unbelievable speed as Phoenix gently popped the prawn into his mouth and smiled at him. Why his hand had to linger, Miles didn’t know, but it only wound him up more. And seeing Kath beaming at their interaction just made it all the worse.
Miles pulled away and quickly swallowed down the food, trying his hardest not to choke. “E-excuse me, I need to… excuse myself to… the bathroom.”
Before anyone had a chance to argue, he stood up, nearly knocking his glass off the table, and made his getaway to the men’s room across the lobby, ignoring the evil look from the old man at the reception desk.
He pushed the door open and hastily made his way over to the sink. Despite his shaking hands, he managed to turn on the tap. He cupped the cold water in his palms, soaked his face and pulled a hand through his hair. Gripping the sides of the sink, he stared at his face in the mirror, forcing himself to calm down.
He was painfully aware that he had just made a fool of himself. He was also aware that Wright probably had no idea what his pleasantries had been doing to him all night. What he didn’t know was why he had reacted like this, why he kept feeling so damned light-headed, why he couldn’t understand any of this.
What is he going to think about me now? Surely he’ll realize I’ve got issues here.
He frowned at his reflection.
“I order you to stop acting like a fool!” he shouted, pointing at the mirror.
Miles sighed and lowered his head.
It’s useless. I’m useless…
He looked back up and followed a bead of water as it made its way down his nose, then dripped off.
He sighed again.
This isn’t helping.
I can still see him.
I’ll never be able to calm down…
He took a deep, shaky breath.
What the fuck is happening to me?
I swear I’m going to go insane…
He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the mirror. The cool touch seemed to ease his breathing. He stayed like that for a while, his mind simultaneously stirring with endless questions and drawing a complete blank.
How long had it been since he left the table? He didn’t know. He couldn’t go back now, though. Not after the way he had reacted. Not after getting such conclusive evidence that he simply couldn’t deal with the whole situation.
The door to the washroom suddenly creaked open. Miles opened his eyes and saw Wright appear in the mirror.
“Ah, so you haven’t drowned yourself in the toilet, then, Edgeworth.”
Silence. Miles’ gaze didn’t flicker.
“We were worried about you,” Phoenix added, only to be met by more silence.
Just leave me alone, Wright…
“Okay, so Kath was worried about you slightly more than I was.”
Please…
“Okay, okay, you’ve got me. Kath was worried a hell of a lot and I had to stop her from entering the men’s room, which meant sacrificing my precious time to check on you.”
Miles sighed.
Phoenix finally seemed to realise that Miles wasn’t going to respond anytime soon. He made his way over to lean against the counter next to Miles. “Hey… Are you feeling okay?”
Oh, please, Wright. Don’t go getting all concerned.
You need to stay detached.
For my own sanity.
“Tonight was a disaster,” Miles began quietly. “And yet, she still thinks we’re a couple.” He pushed away from the mirror and leaned against the counter. “I’ve been on edge all night. I can’t stand all this pretending… It’s so invasive.”
“Funny, I was quite enjoying myself,” Phoenix said with a chuckle.
“You would,” Miles commented dryly, before lapsing back into silence, staring off into space.
They stood there for a while in glorious quietness, the only sound coming from the tap that Miles hadn’t closed off correctly in his haste.
-Drip-
Phoenix shuffled a bit. Miles glanced at him and noticed that his cheeks were starting to glow a faint red.
-Drip-
Miles ran a hand through his hair.
-Drip-
It was strangely calming, just leaning there - just being there - with Wright.
-Drip-
“It’s friggin’ hot in here,” Phoenix finally interrupted, reaching back to tighten the tap. “Did they set the heater to ‘hellfire’ or something?” He loosened his tie and started fanning himself with his hand.
Miles rolled his eyes.
Every bloody time… He just can’t resist ruining the mood, can he?
“Are you sure it’s not just your brain burning up from having to think?”
“Ha-ha, real funny, Edgeworth.” Phoenix gave up aimlessly fanning himself and started unbuttoning his jacket. He paused after undoing the first button. “This reminds me of that time at the office when our fan broke down.” He laughed. “Maya really should have known that sticking bits of paper into it wasn’t such a good idea.”
“I wouldn’t go talking about potential girlfriends when out on a date with someone else if I were you,” Miles said with a smirk, brushing his wet bangs out of his face.
“She’s not a potential girlfriend,” Phoenix replied, taking off his jacket.
Miles blinked.
That’s news to me.
“I thought you said you had feelings for her.”
Phoenix shook his head. “I think the whole incident just threw me a bit. That and Pearls constantly thinking that we’re together. I guess it just made me wonder if… well… if I was in denial or something.” He puffed out his cheeks slightly and let out a long breath, apparently still having trouble standing the heat. “I mean, I love her and all, but I don’t think I could ever get into a relationship with her. I tried being rational yesterday and… well… I never felt it. So I guess I was just being an idiot.” He laughed softly.
“You… what? You’ve lost me,” Miles said, confused.
“You know, the chemistry.”
Miles gave him a blank look.
“I guess you don’t.”
I’m assuming this has nothing to do with atoms and elements.
Phoenix pondered for a few seconds, his face serene under the dim light. “I guess it’s that little fluttery feeling you get when you’re around them, those little things you notice and stuff.” He nodded as if to agree with himself.
Sorry I asked.
“I think you need to stop talking to Larry so often.”
Phoenix laughed. “You’re too right. What the hell am I saying?”
“Not to mention your dedication in following the conditions,” Miles added, frowning at the mere thought of them.
“Oh, that…” Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry about the whole holding hands thing earlier. It seemed like a funny idea at the time.”
He thinks I winced because he touched me.
“I had a paper cut.”
…Why did I feel the need to clear that up? I certainly didn’t have to.
“Oh?” Phoenix said, a confused look on his face, before breaking into a smile. “Oh, I see. I’m sorry. I hope you taught that evil paper a lesson.”
Miles smiled back. “Shut up, Wright.”
Phoenix stretched and pulled a hand through his hair. “Well, seeing as though you’re still alive and calm, fancy coming back through to civilisation?”
Miles sighed. “Might as well. These toilets are really pleasing to the eye, though.”
“Yeah, and the aroma is just beautiful,” Phoenix added, scrunching up his nose.
How long have we been in here anyway?
Miles checked his watch and was amazed to see that at least forty minutes had passed since he left the table.
“Alright, I’ll come back through.”
“Great! You won’t screw up, though, right?”
Miles frowned. “Screw what up?”
“You know, being all cold and stuff.”
“…I screwed this up?”
“Yeah, you really suck at this whole dating thing, you know,” Phoenix said with a smirk.
Oh, he did not just say that.
“I’m the one who ‘sucks’ at dating, am I?” Miles repeated, raising his voice. “Who’s the one kicking their ‘beloved’ and aiming cheap shots to provoke a reaction?”
“Hey, don’t blame me!” It was Phoenix’s turn to raise his tone. “I’ve been trying my hardest all night to make this stupid relationship believable, only to have you snap at me every time that I, God forbid, say something pleasant.”
“How’s that, Wright?” Miles replied, feeling his eye twitch. “You used me as an excuse to get up that headwaiter’s nose!”
“The jerk deserved that,” Phoenix bit back.
Miles scowled. “And, of course, you thought that would amuse me to no end?”
“Well, no, but--”
“But you thought it would be funny, right?” Miles shook his head. “You should get over your damned self and try thinking of others sometimes.”
Phoenix snorted. “I’m sorry, what? Who’s being a stubborn jerk because Mister thinks the conditions are too stupid for him to follow? And may I remind you that the reason we’re here right now is because I’m helping you!?”
“I wouldn’t call this ‘helping’,” Miles retorted. “Besides, I wouldn’t have needed your stupid help in the first place if you hadn’t created this whole mess.”
“Oh, come on…” Phoenix crossed his arms and looked away to the side. He seemed to ponder for a moment, before letting out a sigh and turning back to Miles, a concerned look on his face. “What is it with you today, anyway? You look really out of it.”
What an understatement…
“It’s all your fault, Wright,” Miles muttered.
“What? Edgew… ugh…” Phoenix rolled his eyes. “Will you stop bringing that up?”
“I’m not.”
Phoenix raised an eyebrow. “What’s this about, then? What do you mean it’s my fault?”
Because you won’t get out of my head and it’s driving me insane.
“Nothing.”
“…That’s it? How do you expect me to do something about it if you won’t even tell me what’s wrong?”
Miles sighed. “You can’t. Let it go.”
“Come on, Edg--”
“I said let it go, Wright.”
Phoenix shook his head. “I’m sorry, but no. I’m worried about you, Edgeworth.”
“Sure you are. That’s why you had so much fun making a fool out of me out there with all your stupid sap!”
Phoenix scowled. “Last time I checked, sap wasn’t there to make a fool out of people, but to make them look like a couple!” He took a deep breath and stroked his chin. “Unless you’re talking about the tree stuff, of course…”
Ugh! I can’t even have a proper argument with this man!
Miles shook his head and stormed out of the men’s room, thoroughly annoyed.
“Edgeworth! Hey, Edgeworth!” Phoenix came jogging after him and reached for his shoulder, missing and grabbing his hand instead. “You can’t just walk away from me when I’m trying to…”
Miles turned sharply and wrenched his hand from Phoenix’s grip. “I can’t take you seriously, Wright.”
Phoenix frowned. “I thought you were pretty tense back there, so I just thought I should--”
“Well, don’t think, then,” Miles said coldly, heading back over to their table. “I intended to be tense; it creates an atmosphere.”
“Fine,” Phoenix replied. “Be tense for all I care, but you can’t just walk away from this!”
“Watch me.”
“You’re such a pain in the ass! Get back in there and finish what you started, you jerk!”
Miles froze as the noise in the whole restaurant suddenly dropped. He scanned the room, taking in all the horrified faces, and heard Kath clear her throat. Her face was crimson.
It must have been quite a sight, after all. Miles’ hair was still wet and extremely messed up, and Phoenix had removed his jacket and loosened his tie. And the fact that they were both perspiring was just the icing on the cake.
Phoenix blinked a few times, then suddenly looked shocked as he seemed to slowly but surely figure out the implications of what he had said.
“Well, fuck me.”
Miles facepalmed.
Way to go, Wright. If there was any doubt about your sexuality before, I’m sure it’s been effectively cleared up now. I suppose that’s your just desserts.
And again, huge thanks to llamaramauk for being such an awesome beta :)
Title: Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
Authors: Lyrical Rawr & Shiva
Pairing: Fake!? Phoenix/Edgeworth
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor/Romance
Warnings: Swearing, possible SPOILERS for GS1 and 2
Status: Complete
Word count (Ch.5): 10,732
Summary: Miles desperately needs a way to get rid of an unwanted admirer, and what better way is there than to pretend to date his very male, straight best friend and rival? It sounded so foolproof in his head...
Chapter 1 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 21
Chapter 2 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 17
Chapter 3 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 18
Chapter 4 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 19
Chapter 5 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 20
*** WARNING!!! This is Part TWO of Chapter 5!!! ***
Click here for Part One!
The car journey was largely uneventful, Phoenix attempting to start up a conversation many times at first, but eventually giving up when all Miles gave him were one-word answers without even bothering to glance back at him.
After parking the car, they walked to the restaurant that Kath had chosen for them the day before. Phoenix leaned against some railings in front of the building and seemed to do a double take at the opulence of the exterior, probably wondering if there had been some kind of mistake. Miles just stood there, arms crossed, and there was silence for several minutes.
Well, this is cosy…
Miles checked his watch.
Five minutes to seven… and Everett’s not supposed to show up until seven thirty.
I should have known that rushing wouldn’t get me out of this any faster.
What was I thinking? Now I’m stuck here with Wright for half an hour…
“Are you trying to mentally speed up the second hand or something?”
Miles turned to look at Phoenix, who was frowning at him. He rolled his eyes and directed his attention back to his watch.
Phoenix sighed. “Is this your way of storing all your social abilities up for later? Good idea, I suppose. I know you’re in short supply.”
You have no idea…
“Shut up, Wright,” Miles grumbled.
Phoenix sighed again. “You’re not going to be like this all night, are you?”
“Why? How else should I be?”
“Pleasant.”
“I’m always pleasant,” Miles said dryly, looking up again to see an amused smile on Phoenix’s face. He immediately regretted it as his stomach suddenly felt incredibly light.
This man is bad for my health.
“You’re always pleasant to the eyes, you mean,” Phoenix replied, smirking evilly.
Oh, hell no…
“Wright, please tell me you’re not planning on making stupid jokes all night.”
Phoenix chuckled. “Well, if you don’t want me to, you better stop ignoring me.”
“I don’t like to discuss irrelevant things,” Miles bit back.
“Hmm… No irrelevant talking… No physical contact without you freaking out… No discussing anything personal…”
Miles noticed Phoenix rub his neck and bite his lip, and he had to blink a couple of times before he could snap out of his staring.
Traitors, he mentally scolded his eyes.
After a few seconds, Phoenix dropped his arm, and Miles noted the bead of sweat that ran from his forehead. “We’re screwed.”
Miles looked at him blankly. “…What? What are you talking about?”
“The date, Edgeworth.” Phoenix rolled his eyes. “What’s wrong with you today?”
Trust me, I’d like to know as well…
Phoenix shook his head. “Do you even realize that you’re going to ruin everything if you don’t at least try to follow the conditions? If you want to keep being stubborn, then I don’t know why I even bother.” Phoenix shrugged. “Oh well… At least, by the end of tonight, it’ll be fairly obvious that we’re not dating and this whole charade can end.”
It’ll end before it’s even begun…
Miles sighed.
Fine. You win, Wright.
“Alright, I’ll try. If you think it’ll work, I suppose it can’t be worse than having Everett constantly harass me. Besides, I’m not a complete unsociable wreck.”
Phoenix raised an eyebrow.
Miles scowled. “At the very least, I have business meetings.”
“I still think ‘unsociable wreck’ describes you pretty well.”
“You watch. I’ll make it work, if not just to spite you,” Miles replied indignantly.
“Hah. This will be interesting,” Phoenix said, smirking. “I wonder if we can pull it off.”
“Pull what off?”
Miles and Phoenix both jumped at the interruption from the all-too-recognizable voice behind them.
Kath stood there with her arms crossed and a confused look on her face, before her expression suddenly turned into one of embarrassment. “…Or do I not want to know?”
Oh Christ.
“How long have you been listening in?” Phoenix asked quickly, looking at her with wide eyes.
“I-I’m sorry! I didn’t… didn’t mean to interrupt your private conversation. I only heard your last comment, I swear!”
Miles shook his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
That… was too close.
Wait… What is she doing here already?
He glanced at his watch.
“You’re early, Everett. Our date is not for another thirty minutes.”
Kath frowned. “What…? Didn’t we say seven o’clock?”
Miles shook his head.
Thank God for the scatterbrained woman… Now we can get this over with.
“No matter. It’s lovely to see you, Everett,” Miles said silkily, bowing. “May I compliment you on your fine choice of restaurant?”
“Please, Miles, call me Kath. And I’m glad you like the restaurant. I spent a long time choosing the perfect place! Not that I made a fuss over it or anything…” Kath’s face flushed slightly and she looked at the floor in embarrassment.
Phoenix chuckled. “Aww, such a charmer with the ladies, aren’t you? You never complimented me on my suit and I ironed it specially for you.”
What do you think you’re doing, Wright?
“Could have fooled me. It looks like the same old crumpled suit I see you in every day,” Miles bit back.
“Hey! We can’t all afford to buy disposable suits, you know!”
Miles raised an eyebrow. “Of course not. But I’m pretty sure anyone can afford at least some kind of taste.”
Phoenix shook his head and slapped his palm against his forehead. Miles could practically see ‘We’re doomed’ written all over his face.
Well, damn you, Wright! You were the one who started it!
“Oh, dear… Have I walked in on a domestic?” Kath asked, sounding suspiciously hopeful.
Phoenix laughed nervously. “Nothing of the sort, honest. Personal joke, you see…” He scratched the back of his neck. “Well, shall we go in, then?” He gestured for her to walk in front of them.
“Sure, let’s go, I’m starving!” Kath replied enthusiastically, setting off towards the entrance.
“What the hell happened to all that talk about spiting me?” Phoenix whispered harshly into Miles’ ear as they followed Kath through the doors. “You totally blew me off!”
Miles ignored him, and instead turned his attention to Kath.
“Reservation for three under Everett, please,” she said as they reached the reception desk.
The headwaiter checked his book, before looking back up at them. He took out a handkerchief and coughed into it, before repocketing it. “We would appreciate it if you could please keep your grammar in check, Madame. That would be a reservation for three what? Three potatoes? Three pickles?”
Miles blinked.
What? No… I must have imagined it.
The chuckle from Phoenix told him otherwise.
I’m never going to live that down, am I?
“Oh, I’m sorry. I was supposed to say ‘reservation for three people’,” Kath amended, sounding annoyed.
Phoenix leaned in to whisper in his ear again. “What’s with the stiff?”
Miles turned to him and shrugged. “He must think he’s special because he works at such a highly ranked restaurant.”
“Well, damn, being posh doesn’t automatically make you rude.” Phoenix shook his head, before giving Miles an exaggerated look. “Actually, scratch that…”
“What happened to being pleasant, Wright? I’m sure it’s a two-way thing.”
The headwaiter eyed the three of them again, before drawing his handkerchief back out.
“You were meant to say, you mean. Not ‘supposed’,” he scoffed.
I’m sure either is fine. He’s just being a nuisance now.
“Sorry. I meant to say ‘reservation for three people’,” Kath repeated, her eye twitching.
“It’s ‘reservation under the name of Everett for three people’, if you want to be fully correct.”
Kath bared her teeth and rose onto her tiptoes to look down at the old man. “Now, you listen here, you pedantic bast--”
“Excuse me,” Miles cut in, stepping in front of Kath. “Is this how you treat all your customers? I’m amazed this place still gets business. Now, you either show us to our table immediately or I’m asking for the manager. And believe me, if you value your job, you don’t want me to do that.”
The headwaiter gave him an unimpressed look. “Please, sir. Keep it down. You’re bothering the other diners. Don’t you have any manners?”
What!?
“I’m the one with no manners!? What do you think you’ve been doing since we got here? I really don’t think Everett deserved any of that.”
The headwaiter coughed. “A gentleman would never refer to a lady by her surname alone.”
That’s it, I’ve had enough…
“Look, here. I--”
“Please excuse my partner for his rudeness,” Phoenix interrupted. “I think he’s had a long day. What he meant to say is that his partner invited us here to have a good time, not to argue over etiquette.”
The headwaiter raised an eyebrow. “Your partner? His partner? I think you’ll find that makes them both your partners, sir. Either learn to use proper grammar, or you can take your little business meeting elsewhere.”
Phoenix smirked. “You’re wrong, I’m afraid. I meant the former as ‘my lover’. Therefore, my statement makes perfect sense.”
Miles hid behind his hand in shame and pretended not to see what was going on in front of him.
Great. Just lovely. Why not announce our relationship to the world while you’re at it?
The old man gave Phoenix a cold glare before guiding them over to their table. He dropped the menus onto it in an offhand manner, avoiding eye contact. He then returned to his post without any further words, probably eager to move on to his next victim.
“Good evening to you too, jerk,” Phoenix muttered under his breath.
This was the first time Miles could manage to get a good look at the room, which was split into two sections; a bar area on one side and the busy restaurant on the other. Many tables were already occupied by couples, giving the impression that the restaurant was a hot spot for people on dates. There were a few booths fitted for four people, like the one they had been assigned, but these didn’t seem as popular as the tables with separate seats. The people closest to them were a family of four three tables down. It was a nicely secluded area, at least.
Phoenix seemed impressed with his surroundings as his eyes darted about, taking in the portraits and plants on the walls. He shuffled into the booth and looked staggered by the fact that he had three forks, three knives and two spoons.
“You know, Miles, I could have handled that perfectly fine by myself,” Kath said, still angry. “He really wasn’t worth your time.” She eyed the headwaiter disapprovingly before sliding into the seat opposite Phoenix.
Miles made a move to sit next to her, but stopped when he saw the look on Phoenix’s face.
That’s right. He’s my date. How could I forget?
He sighed and went to sit on the other side instead. He scooted along the seat, only to have his knee brush against Phoenix’s. A slight prickling of his skin when it did made him yelp and flinch, causing him to ram his knee up into the table.
“Ow, ow!” He clutched his leg as pain flooded through it. “Wright! What do you think you’re doing!?”
Phoenix blinked. “But… huh? I didn’t do any--”
Kath coughed and glared over at Phoenix. “Mr. Wright, would you please keep your hands to yourself? This is a highly respected restaurant! I’m sure you can save that… sort of thing for later.”
…What? She can’t seriously be insinuating…
Phoenix’s face flushed a brilliant red and his hands suddenly appeared in full view onto the table.
I knew it. This whole thing is going to be the death of me.
“Evere… Kath, Wright wasn’t--ouch!” More pain flashed through Miles’ already table-abused leg as he realised that Phoenix had just kicked him.
“Something wrong, Miles?” Phoenix asked innocently.
Miles twitched. “Just caught my knee on the table. Nothing to worry about, Ph… Phoenix.”
He sent Phoenix a glare that read ‘Ask to rub it better, I dare you’ and picked up his menu to hide him from view.
Kath eyed Phoenix, apparently peeved that he had the better seat and that he was toying with Miles right in front of her eyes. She then shook her head and picked up her menu.
“I wonder if they have those lovely crab dishes still. It’s been ages since I last came to eat here.”
There was a long pause. Kath shuffled about a bit, visibly feeling the tension build up.
She finally broke the silence with a small giggle. “That reminds me of a funny story, actually! See, it was me and my friend Jen and her half sister… No, wait, was that her stepsister? Maybe it was her cousin… No, I’m pretty sure it was her half sister…”
What was that just then? That strange feeling in my knee…
Am I allergic to his washing powder or something?
…Yes. You keep telling yourself that.
God, I’m so hopeless…
It’s as if I can’t even act normally around Wright anymore.
Wait… Who says it has anything to do with Wright?
I’ve never been too keen on physical contact, so obviously, my reflexes just reacted strangely at the sudden proximity…
Not to mention I’m feeling so damned light-headed right now… That couldn’t have helped.
“…Miles? What’s so interesting?”
Kath’s voice instantly made him lose his train of thought and he dropped his menu in surprise.
Ah, I need to stop doing that!
The menu fell right on the fork that had been laid out for appetisers, sending it flying off the table and onto the floor, where it landed with a clatter.
Miles jerked slightly at the noise, still not fully conscious, before looking down dumbly at the piece of silverware at his feet. He bent down to pick it up, but Phoenix was faster, causing Miles to hit his forehead against the back of Phoenix’s head.
“Damn it,” Miles hissed, clutching his forehead. “I can pick a simple piece of cutlery off the floor by myself!”
Phoenix defensively waved the hand holding the fork, rubbing his head with the other. “You looked totally out of it. I was just trying to help.”
“Are you both alright?” Kath asked, a worried tone to her voice. “Oh, I’m sorry for scaring you like that, Miles! I just thought you’d found an interesting dish or something, and I was wondering if I should order the same thing.”
“It’s fine, Everett,” Miles replied, sighing. “You caught me unawares, is all.”
Why is it that every time Wright helps, it turns into a disaster?
Suddenly, a fork appeared right in front of Miles’ face, making him jerk backwards into his seat. He turned his head to the left, only to come face to face with a young woman wearing glasses who was clearly a waitress.
“I saw you drop your fork, sir, so I thought I should bring you a clean one!” She beamed down happily at Miles and placed the fork onto the table, before freezing up and clasping a hand over her mouth. “Oh! It’s not like I was staring at you or anything! I just happened to notice out of the corner of my eye, and all…”
Corner of your eye? You’re wearing glasses. Happened to notice? This part of the restaurant is empty.
There’s so many contradictions in that statement, I don’t know where to begin.
“Ah, yes, thank you,” Miles replied politely, not missing the possessive glare Kath was sending in the waitress’ direction.
“No problem! Anytime, sir. Are you ready to order?”
Of course, if we say yes, then we’re stuck with you the whole night.
“We’ll ask for service when we’re ready, thank you,” Kath piped up from across the table.
“Oh…” The waitress looked away from Miles and glanced at Kath, before looking back at him. “Oh! I wondered why your voice sounded so feminine. It was someone else! Sorry! I’ll be back when you need me.” She gave a small wave, and slowly walked away to go and serve someone else.
Looks like we’ll be stuck with her no matter what…
“I swear the staff here are picked on a basis of how much they can tick me off,” Kath said darkly. “Now I remember why I stopped coming to this place.”
Miles heard a snort of laughter come from Phoenix, who had apparently been observing everything.
“I think that waitress likes you,” he said, before hiding behind his menu, obviously trying to contain more laughter.
Kath scowled at him. “Don’t laugh at other people’s misfortune! I’m sure Miles doesn’t send off gay vibes to everyone, so it’s to be expected that women will be interested.” She sighed and picked her menu back up.
Phoenix put his down and turned to Miles, resting his chin on his hand. “Mmm, I see what you mean.”
“You see what, now?” Miles asked, not liking the look Phoenix was giving him.
“I just can’t help but agree with them.” Phoenix quickly bit his lip, trying to keep a straight face. “Any woman would love to have a man like you. I guess I’m pretty lucky to have you to myself.”
Miles’ pulse suddenly skyrocketed.
You’re enjoying humiliating me, aren’t you?
“Don’t be so feminine,” Miles scolded, putting down his menu after giving up on trying to read it, his head feeling way too light.
Phoenix shook his head. “No, seriously, Miles, I don’t know what you see in me half the time.” He sighed. “I’m clearly not in your league.”
Christ, stop the dramatics.
“You’re being too harsh on yourself,” Miles replied through his teeth.
Phoenix grinned evilly. “I was only messing around. Why would I want all that attention, anyway? After all, I already have yo--”
“Everyone ready to order yet?” Miles quickly interrupted.
Kath nodded, and Miles was about to raise his hand to call the waitress when she suddenly appeared.
“Are you ready to order now, sir?” she asked gleefully. Her eyes seemed to sparkle unnaturally brightly, though whether it was just the reflection in her glasses or something else, Miles wasn’t sure.
Phoenix suddenly burst into a fit of silent laughter and turned away.
Miles tried to ignore him and looked up at the waitress in a bit of a daze. “Err… yes, we’re ready.”
Actually… I’m really not. I haven’t even read the menu once. And I don’t even know what type of food they serve, so I can’t just make something up…
He gestured over at Phoenix. “…I’ll have whatever he’s having.”
That seemed to shut Phoenix up as he turned to give Miles a blank look.
“…What I’m having?” he repeated dumbly.
“Yes, Phoenix. I simply can’t choose from all the great dishes. I trust your judgement,” Miles said, urging Phoenix to hurry up and name something so the overly eager woman would leave.
Blankness spread over Phoenix’s face.
Don’t tell me… he’s been too busy making fun of me to actually read the menu?
“Oh… right, erm… I was thinking about ordering… err…” Phoenix looked around for inspiration, apparently too thick to simply pick up the menu, until his eyes landed on Kath. “Crab. The what-do-you-call-it one… The erm…”
Miles gestured towards the menu and Phoenix quickly picked it up.
“Crab-Stuffed Mushrooms,” he said hastily. “No, wait… You don’t like mushrooms, do you? We’ll have the Crab Melt Canapés, then.”
The waitress nodded and looked away to take Kath’s order.
Phoenix slumped back into his seat and blinked a couple of times.
Yes, I’m surprised too. How did you remember that I hate mushrooms?
“What the hell are ‘Canapés’?” Phoenix whispered as Kath read out her dish of seafood.
Oh. I should have seen that coming.
“They’re small appetisers served with drinks. They often have them at parties…” It then dawned on Miles just what Phoenix had done. “Wait a minute… You were reading from the hors d’oeuvre menu, weren’t you?”
“I was?” Phoenix looked down at the menu in his hand and chuckled. “What do you know, I was as well.”
“Wright, you do know that lengthens our ‘date’ by at least half an hour, right?” Miles hissed.
“There goes my genius plan of deliberately making us suffer longer,” Phoenix replied sarcastically. At Miles’ unimpressed look, he raised his hands in defence. “Okay, okay, I get it. I’ll reorder!”
“Is that all for now?” the waitress asked, spinning back around to face Miles.
“Actually, we’ve changed our minds,” Phoenix replied. “Never mind the crabby starter; we’ll just have a main course.”
The waitress ignored him and continued staring at Miles.
Phoenix coughed and turned the page to the main courses. “Right, I think we’ll have the Pan-Fried Scallops with Chillies, Tomatoes and Tequila.”
What kind of hellish dish is that?
Miles was too busy leaning back from the waitress’ stare to argue, though. He turned to Phoenix and gave him a desperate look, nodding over at the waitress.
Phoenix raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘What do you want me to do about it?’.
“Erm, excuse me, Miss,” Kath growled, making the waitress jump slightly. “After you’ve added a bottle of your finest white on the list, I think we’re done ordering.”
“Oh, of course. Your meal will be here shortly.” The waitress smiled sweetly and made a beeline for the kitchen.
Kath tutted under her breath. “I really don’t understand those kinds of women, you know. Getting all infatuated over men when it’s obvious they aren’t interested.”
I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that from you, Everett.
“Wri--Phoenix, what the hell did you go and order that for?” Miles finally asked.
Phoenix blinked. “Huh? Oh, that. I thought the chillies and tequila would manly you up a bit.” He smiled and patted Miles on the shoulder. “Not that you’re not manly enough for me already or anything.” At Miles’ glare, he added, smirking, “Hey, it was either that or the Lobster and Pickles.”
Miles scowled. “I merely thought the Honey-Crusted Prawns would be more to your tastes, along with a nice glass of milk.”
“I don’t get it…” Kath said weakly. “Oh, unless you mean something else when you say ‘pickle’ and ‘milk’…” She blushed crimson. “A-anyway… Now that we’ve ordered, how are you two faring?”
“Fine. Just… fine.”
Minus the fact that I have a slight Wright problem.
“I heard you managed to convict--”
“Err, Miles,” Phoenix cut in, “I don’t think work is the best subject to be getting onto. Miss Everett invited us out to relax, not to frazzle our brains on criminal affairs.”
“Exactly! And we can’t have a defence attorney listening in on prosecutor business, either… Oh! I almost forgot!” Kath chuckled. “It appears Georgie Spencer is onto you, Miles,” she said slyly, resting her chin in her hands. “She called me at around six. She couldn’t believe that you’d left before she finished working, and she asked me if it was possible that you had a date and if I knew anything about it. She sounded pretty jealous.”
Miles felt the colour drain from his face. “And what did you say?” he asked hesitantly.
“I told her you had to take your dog to the vet.”
“What dog?” He blinked. “Oh. You covered for us?”
“Of course I covered for you!” Kath exclaimed, seemingly taking offence at Miles’ disbelief. “Did I not promise to keep your relationship a secret?”
“He can get a little Edgey at times,” Phoenix cut in with a grin. “Believe me, he’s not the trusting type.”
Why does he always have to smile like that?
Can’t he just… look normal for once in his life?
That would stop all this nonsense.
Blasted spiky-haired idiot with his stupid, optimistic face and his bloody tasteless sarcasm…
Miles turned away from Phoenix, who had apparently decided to retell the tale of how they met again after fifteen years. He sighed and took to staring into space.
Stupid Wright…
If he’s not there, I visualise him.
If he is there, then I can’t look at him.
What the hell is this?
“Two Pan-Fried Scallops, a plate of Garlic Prawns and a bottle of white wine.” The waitress placed the plates in front of them, uncorked the bottle, and poured a glass for each of them. “I hope you enjoy your meal! If you would like anything else, feel free to ask for me,” she said sweetly, never taking her eyes off Miles.
This is really getting quite irritating. Isn’t there anyone else in this whole restaurant she can go and annoy?
Miles sighed and was about to speak up when he felt something warm on his right hand, which was resting on the table. He glanced down. There, right in front of the waitress’ eyes, Phoenix had grabbed his hand and was caressing it lightly.
Skin prickling and burning with the oddest sensations, any words Miles had been trying to form instantly died on his lips. He stared down blankly at his hand, completely at a loss with the situation, until a sharp pain shot through his index finger.
Ouch! The damned paper cut!
Miles winced as Phoenix stroked the same spot again.
Oblivious to Miles’ physical pain, he leaned over and whispered into his ear, “Don’t freak. I’m just helping… and following the conditions.”
Wright and his bloody help… Look where it’s landed me.
“We’ll be sure to ask if we need anything,” Phoenix said all too innocently, making sure the waitress could see the joined hands clearly. “Thank you very much.”
The waitress turned to look at him and her cheeks flushed a bright red. “N-no problem.” She pushed her glasses up and leaned forward to give him a proper look. “You’re a man?”
“Yes, I am very much a man,” Phoenix replied.
“And he’s a man too?”
“Yes, he’s a man too.”
Congratulations.
“…Right.”
“Yes, my name is Wright.”
The waitress blinked a few times and wandered off in a daze, muttering to herself.
Phoenix chuckled and dropped his hold on Miles’ hand.
Finally…
The prickling from being allergic to Wright’s soap might have been bearable, but an open paper cut being rubbed really hurt.
Miles sighed.
I’m such a wimp.
Kath beamed over at Phoenix, her expression full of newfound respect. “That was fantastic! You totally got rid of the pest!” she exclaimed, reaching out to shake hands with him.
“What can I say, I didn’t want her getting her hands on my Miles.”
Kath’s face suddenly turned sour. “I thought your relationship was meant to be a secret?” she said indignantly, crossing her arms.
I wonder if he annoyed her on purpose or if it was just a hit in my direction that ended up ricocheting towards her.
His Miles? Ridiculous.
And now my bloody pulse is acting up again.
Can he get any more annoying?
Phoenix laughed. “Yeah, it is, but I really felt like I had to do something. Miles was obviously getting uncomfortable from all her staring. It’s only natural that I would help him, right?” He smiled and looked down at his food. “Wow, this looks delicious! You’ve chosen the restaurant well, Miss Everett.”
The compliment seemed to lighten Kath back up significantly.
“Don’t think you can get back on my good side with just that, Mr. Wright,” she said, smiling, before picking up her knife and fork.
Miles shook his head.
Women.
He followed her actions as they all started cutting away at their food. It was well prepared, and the scallops weren’t too dry, but the spicy chillies weren’t so good.
Manly food my ass.
He picked out some of the chillies.
I don’t need to eat unnaturally hot substances to prove myself. I wear a cravat, for Christ’s sake.
“You don’t like the spices, Miles?” Phoenix asked between sips of wine, glancing at Miles’ plate.
“I wasn’t the one who chose such a ridiculous dish,” Miles said defensively.
“I wasn’t the one trusting my judgement.”
Miles scowled. “I only did that because I never had a chance to read the menu.”
“You never read the menu?” Kath chipped in, eyes wide. “Oh my God, you totally had me fooled!”
Miles turned to Phoenix and smirked at the shocked expression on his face.
“Aww, I really can’t get over how cute you two look together,” Kath commented, resting her chin on her hand.
Miles’ hand twitched slightly, but he managed to pass it off as a half-hearted attempt at prodding a chilli. “That’s… nice.”
“Isn’t it?” She sighed. “All night, it’s as though you two have been in your own personal little world and I really don’t fit in there with you.”
“P-personal little world?” Miles said weakly, a strange feeling settling in the pit of his stomach.
“Yeah, with all your personal jokes and little brushes and spats…”
She really hasn’t noticed that we’re not a couple…?
But I didn’t do anything different!
Perhaps the secret really is in the first name usage…
“It’s so great to see two people so in love--”
“How’s your food, Miss Everett? I’m a big fan of prawns myself,” Phoenix cut in, apparently noticing that Miles was less than comfortable with the route the conversation had taken.
“It’s fantastic!” Kath took her fork to gather two prawns and offered it to Phoenix. “Here, why don’t you have a try?”
Phoenix took the fork from her hand. “Don’t mind if I do.”
Kath chuckled and turned to look at Miles. “Aww, I think Miles feels left out, what with me taking you all to myself, Mr. Wright.”
Take away as much of him as you like, Everett. The more, the better.
“Aren’t you going to feed him some?”
Any semblance of hope Miles had left about being able to unwind quickly went up in a puff of smoke.
Is she serious?
Phoenix snickered. “You want to try some, Miles? It’s delicious.” To emphasize his point, he felt the need to lick his top lip. Slowly. Seductively.
I swear I am going to kill him.
At his lack of response, Phoenix urged him some more by waving the prawn in his direction. His evil grin read ‘Go on, I dare you’. Miles just couldn’t turn down that bet.
Fine. I’ll play your stupid little game.
Miles reached out a hand to grab the fork, but Phoenix drew it back and took the food off the end, before moving his fingers towards Miles’ mouth.
“What are you--”
“Shh, just taste it.”
His heart started hammering in his chest at unbelievable speed as Phoenix gently popped the prawn into his mouth and smiled at him. Why his hand had to linger, Miles didn’t know, but it only wound him up more. And seeing Kath beaming at their interaction just made it all the worse.
Miles pulled away and quickly swallowed down the food, trying his hardest not to choke. “E-excuse me, I need to… excuse myself to… the bathroom.”
Before anyone had a chance to argue, he stood up, nearly knocking his glass off the table, and made his getaway to the men’s room across the lobby, ignoring the evil look from the old man at the reception desk.
He pushed the door open and hastily made his way over to the sink. Despite his shaking hands, he managed to turn on the tap. He cupped the cold water in his palms, soaked his face and pulled a hand through his hair. Gripping the sides of the sink, he stared at his face in the mirror, forcing himself to calm down.
He was painfully aware that he had just made a fool of himself. He was also aware that Wright probably had no idea what his pleasantries had been doing to him all night. What he didn’t know was why he had reacted like this, why he kept feeling so damned light-headed, why he couldn’t understand any of this.
What is he going to think about me now? Surely he’ll realize I’ve got issues here.
He frowned at his reflection.
“I order you to stop acting like a fool!” he shouted, pointing at the mirror.
Miles sighed and lowered his head.
It’s useless. I’m useless…
He looked back up and followed a bead of water as it made its way down his nose, then dripped off.
He sighed again.
This isn’t helping.
I can still see him.
I’ll never be able to calm down…
He took a deep, shaky breath.
What the fuck is happening to me?
I swear I’m going to go insane…
He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the mirror. The cool touch seemed to ease his breathing. He stayed like that for a while, his mind simultaneously stirring with endless questions and drawing a complete blank.
How long had it been since he left the table? He didn’t know. He couldn’t go back now, though. Not after the way he had reacted. Not after getting such conclusive evidence that he simply couldn’t deal with the whole situation.
The door to the washroom suddenly creaked open. Miles opened his eyes and saw Wright appear in the mirror.
“Ah, so you haven’t drowned yourself in the toilet, then, Edgeworth.”
Silence. Miles’ gaze didn’t flicker.
“We were worried about you,” Phoenix added, only to be met by more silence.
Just leave me alone, Wright…
“Okay, so Kath was worried about you slightly more than I was.”
Please…
“Okay, okay, you’ve got me. Kath was worried a hell of a lot and I had to stop her from entering the men’s room, which meant sacrificing my precious time to check on you.”
Miles sighed.
Phoenix finally seemed to realise that Miles wasn’t going to respond anytime soon. He made his way over to lean against the counter next to Miles. “Hey… Are you feeling okay?”
Oh, please, Wright. Don’t go getting all concerned.
You need to stay detached.
For my own sanity.
“Tonight was a disaster,” Miles began quietly. “And yet, she still thinks we’re a couple.” He pushed away from the mirror and leaned against the counter. “I’ve been on edge all night. I can’t stand all this pretending… It’s so invasive.”
“Funny, I was quite enjoying myself,” Phoenix said with a chuckle.
“You would,” Miles commented dryly, before lapsing back into silence, staring off into space.
They stood there for a while in glorious quietness, the only sound coming from the tap that Miles hadn’t closed off correctly in his haste.
-Drip-
Phoenix shuffled a bit. Miles glanced at him and noticed that his cheeks were starting to glow a faint red.
-Drip-
Miles ran a hand through his hair.
-Drip-
It was strangely calming, just leaning there - just being there - with Wright.
-Drip-
“It’s friggin’ hot in here,” Phoenix finally interrupted, reaching back to tighten the tap. “Did they set the heater to ‘hellfire’ or something?” He loosened his tie and started fanning himself with his hand.
Miles rolled his eyes.
Every bloody time… He just can’t resist ruining the mood, can he?
“Are you sure it’s not just your brain burning up from having to think?”
“Ha-ha, real funny, Edgeworth.” Phoenix gave up aimlessly fanning himself and started unbuttoning his jacket. He paused after undoing the first button. “This reminds me of that time at the office when our fan broke down.” He laughed. “Maya really should have known that sticking bits of paper into it wasn’t such a good idea.”
“I wouldn’t go talking about potential girlfriends when out on a date with someone else if I were you,” Miles said with a smirk, brushing his wet bangs out of his face.
“She’s not a potential girlfriend,” Phoenix replied, taking off his jacket.
Miles blinked.
That’s news to me.
“I thought you said you had feelings for her.”
Phoenix shook his head. “I think the whole incident just threw me a bit. That and Pearls constantly thinking that we’re together. I guess it just made me wonder if… well… if I was in denial or something.” He puffed out his cheeks slightly and let out a long breath, apparently still having trouble standing the heat. “I mean, I love her and all, but I don’t think I could ever get into a relationship with her. I tried being rational yesterday and… well… I never felt it. So I guess I was just being an idiot.” He laughed softly.
“You… what? You’ve lost me,” Miles said, confused.
“You know, the chemistry.”
Miles gave him a blank look.
“I guess you don’t.”
I’m assuming this has nothing to do with atoms and elements.
Phoenix pondered for a few seconds, his face serene under the dim light. “I guess it’s that little fluttery feeling you get when you’re around them, those little things you notice and stuff.” He nodded as if to agree with himself.
Sorry I asked.
“I think you need to stop talking to Larry so often.”
Phoenix laughed. “You’re too right. What the hell am I saying?”
“Not to mention your dedication in following the conditions,” Miles added, frowning at the mere thought of them.
“Oh, that…” Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry about the whole holding hands thing earlier. It seemed like a funny idea at the time.”
He thinks I winced because he touched me.
“I had a paper cut.”
…Why did I feel the need to clear that up? I certainly didn’t have to.
“Oh?” Phoenix said, a confused look on his face, before breaking into a smile. “Oh, I see. I’m sorry. I hope you taught that evil paper a lesson.”
Miles smiled back. “Shut up, Wright.”
Phoenix stretched and pulled a hand through his hair. “Well, seeing as though you’re still alive and calm, fancy coming back through to civilisation?”
Miles sighed. “Might as well. These toilets are really pleasing to the eye, though.”
“Yeah, and the aroma is just beautiful,” Phoenix added, scrunching up his nose.
How long have we been in here anyway?
Miles checked his watch and was amazed to see that at least forty minutes had passed since he left the table.
“Alright, I’ll come back through.”
“Great! You won’t screw up, though, right?”
Miles frowned. “Screw what up?”
“You know, being all cold and stuff.”
“…I screwed this up?”
“Yeah, you really suck at this whole dating thing, you know,” Phoenix said with a smirk.
Oh, he did not just say that.
“I’m the one who ‘sucks’ at dating, am I?” Miles repeated, raising his voice. “Who’s the one kicking their ‘beloved’ and aiming cheap shots to provoke a reaction?”
“Hey, don’t blame me!” It was Phoenix’s turn to raise his tone. “I’ve been trying my hardest all night to make this stupid relationship believable, only to have you snap at me every time that I, God forbid, say something pleasant.”
“How’s that, Wright?” Miles replied, feeling his eye twitch. “You used me as an excuse to get up that headwaiter’s nose!”
“The jerk deserved that,” Phoenix bit back.
Miles scowled. “And, of course, you thought that would amuse me to no end?”
“Well, no, but--”
“But you thought it would be funny, right?” Miles shook his head. “You should get over your damned self and try thinking of others sometimes.”
Phoenix snorted. “I’m sorry, what? Who’s being a stubborn jerk because Mister thinks the conditions are too stupid for him to follow? And may I remind you that the reason we’re here right now is because I’m helping you!?”
“I wouldn’t call this ‘helping’,” Miles retorted. “Besides, I wouldn’t have needed your stupid help in the first place if you hadn’t created this whole mess.”
“Oh, come on…” Phoenix crossed his arms and looked away to the side. He seemed to ponder for a moment, before letting out a sigh and turning back to Miles, a concerned look on his face. “What is it with you today, anyway? You look really out of it.”
What an understatement…
“It’s all your fault, Wright,” Miles muttered.
“What? Edgew… ugh…” Phoenix rolled his eyes. “Will you stop bringing that up?”
“I’m not.”
Phoenix raised an eyebrow. “What’s this about, then? What do you mean it’s my fault?”
Because you won’t get out of my head and it’s driving me insane.
“Nothing.”
“…That’s it? How do you expect me to do something about it if you won’t even tell me what’s wrong?”
Miles sighed. “You can’t. Let it go.”
“Come on, Edg--”
“I said let it go, Wright.”
Phoenix shook his head. “I’m sorry, but no. I’m worried about you, Edgeworth.”
“Sure you are. That’s why you had so much fun making a fool out of me out there with all your stupid sap!”
Phoenix scowled. “Last time I checked, sap wasn’t there to make a fool out of people, but to make them look like a couple!” He took a deep breath and stroked his chin. “Unless you’re talking about the tree stuff, of course…”
Ugh! I can’t even have a proper argument with this man!
Miles shook his head and stormed out of the men’s room, thoroughly annoyed.
“Edgeworth! Hey, Edgeworth!” Phoenix came jogging after him and reached for his shoulder, missing and grabbing his hand instead. “You can’t just walk away from me when I’m trying to…”
Miles turned sharply and wrenched his hand from Phoenix’s grip. “I can’t take you seriously, Wright.”
Phoenix frowned. “I thought you were pretty tense back there, so I just thought I should--”
“Well, don’t think, then,” Miles said coldly, heading back over to their table. “I intended to be tense; it creates an atmosphere.”
“Fine,” Phoenix replied. “Be tense for all I care, but you can’t just walk away from this!”
“Watch me.”
“You’re such a pain in the ass! Get back in there and finish what you started, you jerk!”
Miles froze as the noise in the whole restaurant suddenly dropped. He scanned the room, taking in all the horrified faces, and heard Kath clear her throat. Her face was crimson.
It must have been quite a sight, after all. Miles’ hair was still wet and extremely messed up, and Phoenix had removed his jacket and loosened his tie. And the fact that they were both perspiring was just the icing on the cake.
Phoenix blinked a few times, then suddenly looked shocked as he seemed to slowly but surely figure out the implications of what he had said.
“Well, fuck me.”
Miles facepalmed.
Way to go, Wright. If there was any doubt about your sexuality before, I’m sure it’s been effectively cleared up now. I suppose that’s your just desserts.