(no subject)
So many bills, so little time money. This wouldn'tve happened if I hadn't one overboard with presents this year, but I felt like I had to make up for years past when I couldn't afford nice things for everyone. All too late I'm realizing the cost of letting my mania get the best of me: I get all these insane ideas that don't pan out & go nuts buying stuff for the house, my friends & myself. Good intentions gone awry, champagne taste on a beer budget, take your pick. At least I'm productive compared to when depression comes to the forefront.. I baked so so many cookies (my coworkers are likely sick of cookies by now, hahah) & cleaned out so much junk it wore me out. But now I'm sliding back into old habits: not going to the gym regularly, letting junk clutter the house, falling behind on bills, barely trying at work. It feels shitty when I lay awake in bed at night, but it feels comforting like an old worn blanket. When I'm manic, I'm a whirlwind of unfinished projects but total dynamite at work & home. It's easy to be happy even when feeling numb inside, it doesn't make Jesse worry about me.
The holidays are an unpredictable mix of cycles for me. I'm almost hoping to ride the knife's edge between until New Year's. In exchange for Xmas Eve off, I'm working the rest of the year til New Year's Day. This means I'll miss the Pack holiday gaming party unless it starts early & goes late.
I'd better get going on those jam tarts instead of sitting here watching Eureka.