again, I forget about this blog
In the many moons since I've posted, things have been looking up..The kiddo is 1 now. I can't believe he's close to taking his first steps already! I went to his first birthday party, & part of me felt awkward being around such a big family after having never heard of me before.. But Eileen (Andrea's mom, the entire reason we met at all) was so happy to see me. She gave me a huge hug & introduced me to . I was probably smiling awkwardly the whole time but Eileen was like "this is the lady who made my daughter's dream come true" & I almost cried. So many people wanted to talk to me, I didn't know how to handle it aside from just talking lol the real star of the party was SO excited he just babbled & mashed his cake on his face! So cute. He handled a huge group of people very well- I'm proud of him. I saw Elizabeth again (she had recognized me while doing my nails for Audrey's wedding), & she was so excited I was there! I had fun mingling with everyone & when I was about to leave Lorraine said "you'll always be part of the family for as long as you want to be". It meant a lot to hear that, cos sometimes I do get paranoid that monthly visits are too much. Anyway, it was a pretty special day I was honored to be part of. I can't wait to see him again!
When I got home from the party I felt okay but later on I got hit with a wave of depression again & cried on Jesse when he got home from work. He just held me & asked what was on my mind (boy knows me too well). I confessed that I was scared of wanting a kid someday cos we still weren't sure if we would at all & it has to be a mutual decision. That's when I found out that Jesse's been thinking it over & now would want a kid if he can be a stay-at-home dad so he wouldn't miss watching them grow up. He knows that I crave change & would miss being at work, so he wants to work from home & do what his dad did when he was growing up. I didn't expect to hear such a definite, heartfelt response. I know his mom is a workaholic & didn't make a lot of time for her kids, so Jesse didn't have a clear vision of good parenting, & it worried him if he could be a good dad. But I still think back to him holding the baby in the hospital, & remember how peaceful he looked. Just that one memory is enough to convince me that he'll make an awesome dad someday if we have our own offspring. But instead of hearing a "no" or "I don't know", I've gotten a reasoning answer. I'm actually excited. It gives me hope. Even if we don't, we'll still be in love & that's what matters.Speaking of which, we're engaged to be engaged. I guess that's what you'd call it? Lol he wants to propose with a ring at some point & knows that a: I'd rather him not go into debt on it & b: I love surprises. We've talked a LOT about our dream wedding, guestlist & all! I know in my heart he's the one; I've never felt so much certainty or love for someone ever in my life. Our relationship's at 3.5 years & we are more in love than ever.. We leave notes for eachother, we have date nights, long talks, mmsexy times (very much so), & joke around just like at college. Yeah, we occasionally spat just like any couple but we always resolve it in like an hour & do our best to hear the other person out. Jesse is amazing, I can't get over it. He loves me stretch-marks, scars & all, & I couldn't ask for anything more. I can't wait to be his wife. I tell him this, he chuckles, wraps me up in his strong arms & says "you already feel like mine."
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