Uhm, I'm sorry.
That last post was written while not in the right state of mind. Call it a meltdown, a sensory overload, or manic freakout; it was fucking scary. I had no sense of time & wanted that mania to end so badly that I nearly knocked myself out. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Actually, it feels like that's been the case for the last few months of scant entries. I know only about 3 people still read this, but for those who've been reaching out to me: thankyou. I really don't mean to concern or worry anyone (yet here I am airing all my issues out on this blog, haha). I feel like LJ is the only place I have the gumption to post, infrequently as I do. I have a handwritten account somewhat of how lost I've been in my head the past month, but I'd rather not get into that right now. I guess I can sum it up enough with this list of what's been going on. In the past month or two, I have..
-not slept longer than a few hours at a time
-not been going to the gym regularly
-been fighting off a spending problem (retail therapy when poor is a bad idea)
-had hours cuts at work (not just me- everyone's had them due to summer coming)
-stressed constantly about money
-racked up nearly 1,000$ in credit card debt to pay bills on time
-this has bitten me in the ass due to interest rates being atrocious
-not been eating enough. At least when I do, it's healthy?
-had huge car repairs that I have no choice but to charge to credit cards I can't pay off. I may need a new car altogether (& guess how I can only pay for that?)
-been trying to balance my time helping plan two weddings with applying for a better job, with minimal success
-had trouble wanting to be around people
-missed being around people
-been evading my mum's concern that I've gotten myself in trouble with credit card debt. I can't deal with the disappointment, but I really need help & don't like asking for it.
-tried to budget, scrimp, & save.
But I feel like I'm slowly drowning.
I don't know what to do. I'm awful with talking about money issues cos I really, really hate borrowing money from people even if they're gung-ho about it like Jared is. Even family can't make me feel okay about it. I want to do this myself with my own resources, but I don't have a solution.
I haven't had coffee in so long that when I scrounged up change enough for one, I felt like I was on crack. I still do, holy shit. Maybe I should try that ZzzQuil. But I don't like sleep aids. They make me anxious as fuck.