20 years old now
20 years old now and I still find myself lost sometimes. This is a normal feeling that young people feel but with that loss resides internal pain that no matter how you mask, doesn't seem to subside or disappear. I have everything going for me. I'm in college, have loving parents, great friends, health, etc. But there's always something that seems to be missing or not go as planned. I'm in pain now because I feel like such an idiot. I know that the years that I'm living right now are the years where I'm supposed to make mistakes and learn from them but the mistakes that I've made are just so obvious that I feel so stupid to have made them, and so malicious as well. Why do people do what they do? Why do people, despite what they were taught by society, despite what is accepted, still do things that are wrong? I feel as though I will never forgive me, I feel as though this deep black hole in my body will never go away, and pass along. How can one live with such remorse, guilt, and self-hatred. But hey I was prepared for self-hatred, it seems like it's almost biological for me. First came the moloestation, then the eating disorders, then the lies and the secrets. But I'm good at keeping secrets. No one really knew about my eating disorders until later. My parents didn't know about my relationship with him- I suppose that's what made it easier for me to lie to him. And he didn't know about some of my secrets either. Janet why do you inflict pain onto others and to yourself? What the fuck fucked you up in this world for you to not live with any sense of moralilty or whatever else? I hate you Janet. Sometimes I like you but for the most part right now I hate you. he hates me too. He probably wants to kill me. I wonder would he be sad if I died? Would he feel any type of remorse if I inflicted physical pain on myself? Would he regret not saying goodbye if I layed in a casket to rest underground forever? What does it matter? Dying would be easier. Because right now I'm living with emotional pain. I have to walk around with that pain, I have to study with this pain, I have to portray this fake facade to people that everythings alright when it's really not. Walking around and living with this heavy pain is much worse than dying. Because dying would release it. You'd be no more. I think about that sometimes. I think about dying. I think about perhaps using sleeping pills. I think about cutting and stabbing my heart. I think about having a gun and killing me. I think about it I do, but I'm just too chicken to actually do something about it. And plus if I kill myself, he'd get over me... Forget about me forever. See me as this weaklink that took the easy way out, that couldn't handle her emotions. But he never knew what it was like for me and certain difficulties in my life. I wish he could understand, because if he did he wouldn't have ignored them in the past. He wouldn't have run away from them in the past. He's probably over me, with a new girlfriend, a new love, a new heart; while im sitting here basking away at what it once was. and he's absolutely right, i hate that he's absolutely right. i committed an act that is soo illegal in a loving, trusting bond. I broke that partnership. And why? Why the fuck did you do it Janet? It had to have happened because things weren't going right. I feel like partly our society is to blame. After being surrounded by men who don't respect the fact that a woman is in a relationship and will still pursue and push until they get what they want doesn't help. The naivety that i once possessed didn't help. I guess mistakes in life definitely help you learn but i wish i didnt have to learn this way. I wish it didnt turn out this way. he was my best friend, in every single way possible. i gave everything that i could to him. i gave him my heart, my soul, my passion, my body, my life, my time. i didnt give all of that to anyone else. i really thought we were going to be together forever. i thought i would spend the rest of my life with this man. i pictured marrying him with all of his friends there, with all of my friends there. i pictured having a baby boy from him. i wanted this, i still do. you know when people grow up in life, they change. who knows why they change? circle of friends have an influence, school, peer pressure, societal values, etc. ive definitely changed. i think for the better because im growing up, and dealing with my emotions, and learning, being honest, and being more honest with myself. but to be honest certain thoughts that I thought i valued and had were just influenced to me by i think society. because i remember i had this one wish as a 12 year old girl and i wished to be in love with a man who was crazy about me. and my wish came true 4 years later but i didnt know that that wish would also cause me also the most difficult heartache i could imagine. how do people let go of certain emotions so readily and easily but other emotions stick to you like glue. i remember my grandma died when was about to turn 15, about 5 years ago. i remember studying for my 9th grade final exams and my mom coming into my room and saying "docha, grandma died today." and i looked at her with disbelief, speechless, looked down back at my notes and continued to study. i thought to myself what's wrong with me? am i so emotionless that i cant even muster out a single tear for my grandma's death? for 2 years prior I saw her slowly deteriorate. i saw her lose her hair, lose weight, lose her ability to walk, but most importantly lose her ability to love and be optimistic. But who's to blame her. She lost 4 brothers and a dad to the war. she only completed school up until the age of 13. she was forced to migrate to siberia and live there to escape hitler. she was in marriage with whom she did not love in. she divorced and left belarus with her two kids to a foreign place with only 200 dollars in her pocket, and had to start fresh. she remarried only to find her new husband 2 years later dead in their bed. she didnt smoke or drink in her life and still managed to die from ovarian cancer at the age of 75. this woman watched me every single day after i was born, picked me up from elementary school every single day, and made sure that i ate every single day. and for some reason i couldnt release a tear for her. but for him all i do is cry and ive only known him for 3.5 years. see i forget a lot of times all these things about her and what an amazing/difficult life shes had. in our society we forget how important family is. i dunno it seems like were taught that its uncool to love family. she would probably tell me to get over it because she had such a strong personality and shes been through so much that this shit just doesnt seem important to her. and shes right, but the heart is such a strong thing. when uve possessed love and then its gone, and its ur fault- its almost like i cant get over it. it seems like i shouldnt have let go of her that as easily. i dont know, the mind works in such crazy ways sometimes. and how did i get over my uncle situation so fast. my mom's brother used to be my favorite uncle. we used to go over his hosue every sunday, swim in his pool, dance to russian music, eat good food, etc. but something happened when i was about 14 again. he decided to sue us over money issues. and after that my relationship with him was never the same. i never knew that he could be so greedy for money as to actually sue your own sister. hey im no angel ive done stupid shit so i cant really judge but i seemed to let go of that really easily as well. i dont know it's just weird. i let go of my grandma, i moved on. i let go from my uncle, ive moved on, but i cant seem to move on from this. im still in love, im still remorseful, im still in pain, and i cant move on. i cant let go. a part of me doesnt want to let go. i dont want him to let go of me. for a while there i was doing just fine. i was dating other people, seeing what else was out there, but he was always in the back of my mind. comparisons, thoughts, memories, feelings of difference, uncertainty, longing, desires. the dates were fine, they were fun, but they werent the same, the love behind it didnt exist. a part of me doesnt want to find another love. a part of me only wants his love. and who am i kidding, the people i dated were not looking for love. they were looking for a good time. thats the only reason older men are interested in younger women. im not naive anymore, but with them im not looking for love. because my heart still belongs to him, and i feel like my heart will only love him. his love was amazing and so beautiful and hot and pure but obviously there were problems. what kept me going for a while was sveta. shes amazing, she helped me see that life is short, were young once and if we dont live it up these days well lose these years and never have them back. she lost someone too but more profoundly. and i wish he could see that. in a snap i could be gone never to return, in a snap he could be gone. i just want the opportunity to be able to talk to him again, to hear his voice, his laugh, feel his breath, touch his skin, hug him. and maybe, maybe one day hear him say: "Janet, I forgive you. I really do. Because even though you really hurt me, I also realize what an amazing, loving, and giving girlfriend you were." I want him to realize that I wanted to take care of him, to shower him with my heart as I so did, to be a part of his family with his extended family, and to spend my life with him. all i wanted was to have a relationship with his family. i always asked to just come clean with everybody. i wanted to go to the family gatherings and holidays. i SO WANTED that! i wanted them to like me, to accept me, and to see me as one of their own. He never wanted to include me. and i actually did. i wanted him to be close with my friends (that was not the case vice versa), i introduced him to my mom and dad even though they didnt like him, to my dance teacher, to my coworkers, everybody. i wanted everyone to know look this is my man, and im so proud to be his girl. i understand the mistakes i made are so bad, but do those mistakes take away the other million good things that ive done for him and for us. no they dont. so why does the mind always travel to the negative. what about the time we were in santa barbara after halloween, and i dried his shorts with a blow drier while he went to breakfast. he called me the wifey. what about the countless times i bought him lunch because i knew he was underfed, and had no food at home. what about the millions of times he drove my car. what about the time that i gave him a facial and a massage when all i wanted was a rubdown but was so happy to give him one because i truly wanted him to feel good and bliss. my heart was so invested that i almost cared about him more than me. i put his feelings ahead of mine at times. and i was so happy to do it mostly because i loved him that much. i still love him. i know people may say well if u love him that much why did u do what u did. and my answer is I dont fuckin know. Part of it was the temptation, part of it was the fact that i didnt know what the hell was going on, and part of it had to do with the fact that despite how much we loved each other, things werent perfect. and im not justifying it whatsoever but no one can take away that i loved him. no one can take away that i was his first love. and it angers me that people even question my love for him because it exists. and i shouldnt fuckin have to justify it. i love him. and what i hate is the fact that i proved his dad right, but he also proved his dad right. i lied to him just like his dad predicted but hes no angel either. he lied to his dad for 3.5 years, he went against his dads wishes, he didnt reveal to me certain things that went on, therefore hes no angel either. so to make me out to be the devil is just wrong i tell u wrong. i dont wish discussing this anymore so right now, i decease from the topic, just felt that i needed to release my inner pain. until tomorrow. if tomorrow even comes for me.