(no subject)
Ok so after the longest time I really need to write my emotions. Things are not going well with me unfortunately, I finally fell to the brink of my extreme. After two years of obsessing, thinking, and worrying I can't take it anymore! I can't handle my deepest problem anymore! If my only option is to live with it, then I would much rather not live. I hate how my parents act like theyre so supportive because once their little angel shows any sign of emotional distress they turn into devils. My mom declared to me today that she's tired of me having my problems, that I am crazy, that I create these problems for myself, that I'm stupid, that I'm unappreciative, and that I'm not allowed to feel the way I feel. So just because I'm not starving child in Africa I'm not allowed to feel the way I feel. She told me, actually yelled like a madwoman, that she is no longer going to pay for my loans, and that I am on my own. I realized though that I have always been on my own. This is why I never reveal to her of my deep psychological feelings. They will never ever understand. She created drama today and she acted like it was all about her. "What the hell do you want me to do?" she said. They abandoned me yesterday, I tried telling them how I felt and they totally left, said I can't deal with you anymore, and left. I am truly all alone with this. And they wonder why I don't tell them anything. I can't hate what I see any longer, and no matter how many people tell me I'm beautiful it's not going to matter until I believe it, and I don't know how to believe it. I make such a big effort for positive change and it doesn't work. And this crap has been going on for two years and I can't handle it anymore. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to hurt myself, and even die. And then I wonder why I'm thinking these thoughts, these aren't normal thoughts to think. If my parents ever found out about these thoughts they wouldn't take it as a cry for help, they in turn would put me in a mental institution and lock me up. And they still wonder why I'm closed with them. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of having a bad relationship with food, I'm tired of hating the person that I am. I hate that I am so depressed that I can't show people the good side of me, I always have to show them my mean side because I can't stand living. I know the impressions that I give off and I hate it. I'm as ugly on the inside as I am out. I hate this feeling of hopelessness, I hate my mother, and I hate my father, but most of all I hate the person that I have become.