Decisions
Well, I havent had to write anything in here for awhile, I guess. Maybe i should have. Ever since I decided to stay away from mary and Jill my head has been spinning and its oddly like turning a light off in a dark room, I feel strangely like the darkness is just becoming part of me, it was already dark but now im just more comfortable with it being dark. Odd analogy but anyways its been tough I guess.
Ive tried for a long time to be the best person I could possibly be, I know ive cut corners now and then, and its been hard for me because every attempt i make at being good I have that wiplash second voice in my head saying im doing it for all the wrong reasons. I dont like breaking my promises, it churns my stomach like eating razor blades. I told Mary and Jill I would always be there for them, and yet now I cant. I am their friend and yet at the same time I dont feel like im treated as a friend by them, but I still feel its my job to be a friend to them when they need me.
They pissed me off, they broke rules to me that are sacred to me. I cant help but be angry. They were my two best friends the two people I confided everything in, I respected them above all others. And its silly to say that they never wanted to help me when i needed help despite how much I always wanted to help them in like situations because I am a pain in the ass to deal with when im upset, i dont console well without mushy closeness which they cant offer me. I delt with teh drinking with clenched teeth, I lost it when jill had sex and now that the topic of smoking is brought up which i thought it never would be, I really trusted them not to be so foolish or immature. and on that day of all days. Its a special day to me if no one else not for the same reasons the holiday is celebrated but fond memories are sometimes all i have to cling to sanity. I feel as though above all other things they betrayed my trust, and I dont really feel like ive ever experienced this in such a sharp way before. It wasnt just the one event but all the things stacked atop eachother, the breaking of all my rules the ignorance of my respect and the fact that I am almost nothing to them unless they have some need for me. I guess I broke.
Despite all of this and even though I am yet, still angry enough to viciously bash them out if i had the chance I feel bad because of the promises i broke in doing this. I chose not to talk to them about it because I knew i would snap, and ive snapped at Jill once and it hurt her. with the whole camels back broken thing going on I was pretty certain that event would pale in comparison if I let myself deal with the problem that day or any day since. Day after Day i find more reasons why I should try and make amends or atleast watch over them and keep my promises if with clenched teeth but I just cant get past the anger and how hurt i feel about the situation. It keeps bouncing me back and forth and each side is sharp.
To further complicate things, Ive renewed my friendship with Faith, and I have realised alot of things. I've forgiven her for her cheating on me and whatnot. After speaking to her for just a brief time, I noticed that that kind caring side of her was still there waiting for me. It made me feel good and terrible at the same time. I broke my promise with her too, I fled the situation because I couldn't beat Renzo. I couldnt get her away from that man who i knew would ruin her. I fought for a long time too, I really did love that girl. All this time ive been saying it was just lust or something silly perhaps my memory was just blurred or perhaps peoples memory of love is always blurred. I recall mary almost completely denoucning ever having had feelings for me before so i guess its possible. I don't know what to make of it. I have only been speaking to her recently, but things click together so nicely its like nothings changed, like I can still talk to her for hours and still smile like a goofball happily as can be that shes there speaking to me. Shes not the kind of woman mary was, the strong kind of girl. Shes just not, I dont really know. Despite the fact that she cheated on me in a way I feel like she is an incredibly loyal girl. completely different than Mary... perhaps She has a kind of womanly strength that stands out. Either way I feel drawn to her and those feelings that all but disapeared have burst out again like forgotten geisers. producing quite a problem.
The first problem is, I dont know if I even deserve this girl anymore. Durring her most trying period I wasn't there. I ran away with my tail tucked between my legs cause i couldnt stand the pain of losing her to that... well ill leave name calling out atleast. I could have helped her. I could have done something. If i could have stopped just one tear from crossing her cheek it would have been enough it would have been worth it, worth enough pain to make me die twice over. And despite all this, this man whom I hate unconditionally was there. I hate men like him to an endless degree and he was there instead of me. No matter how horrible He is and how terrible things might be between them I just cant seem to justify how I am supposed to be better than him. But then again I can but it doesnt stop me from feeling terrible about it I guess.
This is where I have to decide to do soemthing that may make or break me. I have to make up for what I have done. and beyond that I love her and I want to give her everything. I have a plan to make that happen where we can both be happy. But if it doesnt work it will only make things worse. I have never tried to break two people up, I dont count the first time i was with Faith because well, i was there first >.> I was kind of defending the fort. But this man will do nothing but harm to her. he was better than nothing but It worries me to have him around her. He is violent and has shown in multiple accounts his inability to control his anger especially around her and I fear for her safety and for her general well being. Even beyond my love for her and want to be with her I feel I cant allow her to become one of those horror stories you hear on life time of some nice girl being married off to some horrible bastard of a man because she couldnt find anyone better. She deserves better then that, much better perhaps even more than I can give (but God help me I am going to try my best to make sure she gets it anyways). I need her to see the truth, and know that Hes not the only one who loves her. I clench my teeth when saying it, but I feel I can do better for her. I feel I can do much better for her.
I didn't really have what it took to follow through with a long distance relationship at the time. But I dont know. Durring the time we spent apart I have gathered alot of experience and I feel I can pull it off now. most importantly I have money now. I can go see her, I can help her get here, and I can bring her here if need be. Its a scary plan, not because im scared of the idea of going to such lengths, but that she may feel uncomfortable with the aggressive plan. When i learned she was still with Renzo and that he was still his old self, i was horrified. Even if im a disgusting person for leaving her in that situation and letting it happen and even if im overly prideful and foolish for thinking I can do better, I can not in my heart allow that man to hurt Faith any longer, or allow for anything to happen that he could dish out. I still dont know enough But I am sincere in my heart that I will find a way to make this work.
If I can atleast right one wrong, and console one sin that I have committed against this girl It will be worth everything.
Ive tried for a long time to be the best person I could possibly be, I know ive cut corners now and then, and its been hard for me because every attempt i make at being good I have that wiplash second voice in my head saying im doing it for all the wrong reasons. I dont like breaking my promises, it churns my stomach like eating razor blades. I told Mary and Jill I would always be there for them, and yet now I cant. I am their friend and yet at the same time I dont feel like im treated as a friend by them, but I still feel its my job to be a friend to them when they need me.
They pissed me off, they broke rules to me that are sacred to me. I cant help but be angry. They were my two best friends the two people I confided everything in, I respected them above all others. And its silly to say that they never wanted to help me when i needed help despite how much I always wanted to help them in like situations because I am a pain in the ass to deal with when im upset, i dont console well without mushy closeness which they cant offer me. I delt with teh drinking with clenched teeth, I lost it when jill had sex and now that the topic of smoking is brought up which i thought it never would be, I really trusted them not to be so foolish or immature. and on that day of all days. Its a special day to me if no one else not for the same reasons the holiday is celebrated but fond memories are sometimes all i have to cling to sanity. I feel as though above all other things they betrayed my trust, and I dont really feel like ive ever experienced this in such a sharp way before. It wasnt just the one event but all the things stacked atop eachother, the breaking of all my rules the ignorance of my respect and the fact that I am almost nothing to them unless they have some need for me. I guess I broke.
Despite all of this and even though I am yet, still angry enough to viciously bash them out if i had the chance I feel bad because of the promises i broke in doing this. I chose not to talk to them about it because I knew i would snap, and ive snapped at Jill once and it hurt her. with the whole camels back broken thing going on I was pretty certain that event would pale in comparison if I let myself deal with the problem that day or any day since. Day after Day i find more reasons why I should try and make amends or atleast watch over them and keep my promises if with clenched teeth but I just cant get past the anger and how hurt i feel about the situation. It keeps bouncing me back and forth and each side is sharp.
To further complicate things, Ive renewed my friendship with Faith, and I have realised alot of things. I've forgiven her for her cheating on me and whatnot. After speaking to her for just a brief time, I noticed that that kind caring side of her was still there waiting for me. It made me feel good and terrible at the same time. I broke my promise with her too, I fled the situation because I couldn't beat Renzo. I couldnt get her away from that man who i knew would ruin her. I fought for a long time too, I really did love that girl. All this time ive been saying it was just lust or something silly perhaps my memory was just blurred or perhaps peoples memory of love is always blurred. I recall mary almost completely denoucning ever having had feelings for me before so i guess its possible. I don't know what to make of it. I have only been speaking to her recently, but things click together so nicely its like nothings changed, like I can still talk to her for hours and still smile like a goofball happily as can be that shes there speaking to me. Shes not the kind of woman mary was, the strong kind of girl. Shes just not, I dont really know. Despite the fact that she cheated on me in a way I feel like she is an incredibly loyal girl. completely different than Mary... perhaps She has a kind of womanly strength that stands out. Either way I feel drawn to her and those feelings that all but disapeared have burst out again like forgotten geisers. producing quite a problem.
The first problem is, I dont know if I even deserve this girl anymore. Durring her most trying period I wasn't there. I ran away with my tail tucked between my legs cause i couldnt stand the pain of losing her to that... well ill leave name calling out atleast. I could have helped her. I could have done something. If i could have stopped just one tear from crossing her cheek it would have been enough it would have been worth it, worth enough pain to make me die twice over. And despite all this, this man whom I hate unconditionally was there. I hate men like him to an endless degree and he was there instead of me. No matter how horrible He is and how terrible things might be between them I just cant seem to justify how I am supposed to be better than him. But then again I can but it doesnt stop me from feeling terrible about it I guess.
This is where I have to decide to do soemthing that may make or break me. I have to make up for what I have done. and beyond that I love her and I want to give her everything. I have a plan to make that happen where we can both be happy. But if it doesnt work it will only make things worse. I have never tried to break two people up, I dont count the first time i was with Faith because well, i was there first >.> I was kind of defending the fort. But this man will do nothing but harm to her. he was better than nothing but It worries me to have him around her. He is violent and has shown in multiple accounts his inability to control his anger especially around her and I fear for her safety and for her general well being. Even beyond my love for her and want to be with her I feel I cant allow her to become one of those horror stories you hear on life time of some nice girl being married off to some horrible bastard of a man because she couldnt find anyone better. She deserves better then that, much better perhaps even more than I can give (but God help me I am going to try my best to make sure she gets it anyways). I need her to see the truth, and know that Hes not the only one who loves her. I clench my teeth when saying it, but I feel I can do better for her. I feel I can do much better for her.
I didn't really have what it took to follow through with a long distance relationship at the time. But I dont know. Durring the time we spent apart I have gathered alot of experience and I feel I can pull it off now. most importantly I have money now. I can go see her, I can help her get here, and I can bring her here if need be. Its a scary plan, not because im scared of the idea of going to such lengths, but that she may feel uncomfortable with the aggressive plan. When i learned she was still with Renzo and that he was still his old self, i was horrified. Even if im a disgusting person for leaving her in that situation and letting it happen and even if im overly prideful and foolish for thinking I can do better, I can not in my heart allow that man to hurt Faith any longer, or allow for anything to happen that he could dish out. I still dont know enough But I am sincere in my heart that I will find a way to make this work.
If I can atleast right one wrong, and console one sin that I have committed against this girl It will be worth everything.