I Love Everything About You...
“No, look at me. I want you to look at me.”
- Carmello (I call him Tony in conversation but I have a love affair with his middle name that just won't die so he's Carmello here 😂😂😂)
Listen…
I know I said Carmello wasn't getting an entry until we decided what we were doing but *points* our post title happened.
Could be something. Could be nothing. What I do know is, yesterday, right after Max finished his photoshoot, almost 20mins after I hopped outta the shower, it hit me: I'm experiencing feelings. It's a full on feelings fest in my mind! So what happened?
Saturday was our very first phone date…
^As you can see, it went pretty well. Shit, I was on the phone with him longer than my shifts at work sometimes *laughs in productive laziness* At first, we were both kinda nervous. Nope. Scratch that. We were both stuttering like we don't talk on the phone all the time. I can't speak for him but I can say that for me, it was how he was looking at me. It was like he was seeing me for the first time. Yeah, yeah. Don't say it. Technically it was his first time. That's not what I mean.
What I mean is, I haven't been looked at like that since Caleb. (Whom I still haven't talked to since that day. He hasn't exactly been blowing up my phone so I suppose he's good with us no longer being in each other's lives. I suppose one could say that I could reach out but in my mind, that's the problem! It's always me reaching out to others when there's some sort of disagreement. Nobody ever pounds the pavement for me like I do for them. Is that petty? 🤔🤔🤔 Eh, to be figured out at a later date) I hate comparative thinking with a fiery passion but I would be foolish if I try to act like Caleb didn't tweak my views on dating a tad before he Caleb'ed me. I would also be foolish if I didn't admit that this is also why I immediately became wary when I realized what I was doing. The closest I've gotten to a feelings fest since then was Mike and we all saw what happened there. (Can we say dodged a bullet? Why yes. Yes we can. Let this be a lesson to you, kids. Never doubt your instincts. Write that down. It's important)
I don't wanna end up in yet another waste of time loop. See, with Mike, I always had doubts that's why I wouldn't allow myself to be his girlfriend. With Caleb, I was blindsided to a point where I was fully prepared to delete every dude who had ever so much as flirted with me. I was all in, remember? *looks around* Never you mind. I remember enough for the both of us. Only for him to suddenly, outta the clear, ocean blue sky tell me he wanted to be friends. Which was fine. This isn't a complaint. I was always fine with us being just friends. I'm not gonna pretend otherwise.
I'm just saying I don't want another “This is too much, can we just be friends?” type deal. I'm tired of these making friends cuz I'm awesome but not wanting to date me cuz if we break up we would lose our friendship type of situations. Or, or… My personal favorite the “I'm not ready for a relationship” only to turn around and be pounding the pavement for the next hoe like wait, what type of bullshit heathens.
I was so sure that I upped and decided that I freaking hate dating and stopped putting in effort. You remember? *nod nod* I remember. What does all this reminiscing have to do with Carmello? Welp, pull up a chair and get comfortable.
As I said, Saturday was our first phone date. Every once in a while he would shoot me a compliment and no, it's not that I'm not used to them. Definitely not that. It's just, he doesn't do regular guy compliments. It's not “You're sexy” “You're hawt” it's “You have beautiful eyes” “You're gorgeous” and um, again *points at post title* That one's new tho’.
Annnnnnnnnnnnd… We roast each other. He doesn't treat me like I'm some fragile piece of glass. I really, really appreciate that. The fact that we have similar senses of humor is a plus because yes. I also like that we're both artists and yet, it's different branches. He's a musician and I'm a writer. We both write but it's in different ways. We're also both editors but again, different branches.
This feels fresh. Like, there's a familiarity to it but not. That's the best way I can put it.
I've honestly never had a phone date before outside of when Andy and I used to watch movies. (Gah I miss that… But those weren't dates. That's how we hung out) Most people only wanna video call me cuz they either think I'm a catfish or they think I'm AI and I usually don't pay those idiots no mind. (They get that sweet, sweet block button. I don't negotiate with terrorists 😂😂😂)
We started discussing our aches and pain both physically and mentally and we have similar traumas but again, different. He got into a bad accident a few years back and he has to deal with daily pain because of it. Which rolled into me talking about therapy and why I do yoga and he asked me to show him some yoga moves. So I did. He said he would try it but it seems like something that would be better with a partner… Especially the downward facing dog part.
Of course this caused our conversation to veer towards sex. Come to find out, neither of us have had sex in a while.
That's another thing!
I haven't talked/thought/considered sex since HerpGate (Toldja that shit fucked with me mentally) and now it's a HUGE part of my day. Only with him tho’. I only wanna have sex with him. I'M OBSESSED… Somebody help me. I'm fighting for my life out here 😭😭😭
I fall asleep thinking about it. I wake up thinking about it. I take showers thinking about it. Bruh, I'm thinking about it right now! 😭😭😭 Just him tho’. My DMs stay with the bullshit but I want HIM. I'm glad he lives in Ohio or this would be way worse. I wouldn't get anything done if he could easily get to me or the other way around. Nope, not kidding. I'm so perserious.
*sighs* Honestly, for a phone date, it ended really, really well. Like, I would definitely do it again if he asked but ONLY if he asked cuz I told him I don't wanna feel like our efforts in whatever this is are one sided. No, I don't feel like they are. I just don't want it to get that far, ya know? At times, in the past, I have felt as if I was doing the most while the other party was doing the absolute least and this me isn't about that life. Either it's WE or it's ME. No exceptions. I don't care how cute ya are or how smoothe ya talk, either we are putting in effort or leave me where ya found me.
*sighs* I haven't heard from him yet today. It's weird to miss someone. I haven't just missed another person in a while. Imma say in about a year cuz the last time I missed someone in a romantic kinda way, I wanna say it was Luke and we all know that was more lust on my end than emotional attachment. See, that's the problem. I don't wanna form yet another emotional attachment and have it leas to nowhere.
I have a lot of fear in this situation. That's probably why even tho’ we've been talking since March, (March 25th to be exact) I was waiting for a reason to write an entry about him. I'm in no mood to find more time of mine down the toilet. I'm not feeling in love or anything but I do have genuine feelings annnnnnnnnnnnd I hafta make sure it's not lust cuz that's what it was with Luke and when I was done, my ass was just over it. This time I'm not telling him I don't wanna discuss feelings or anything. I'm just going with the flow to see where it leads.
I said I wasn't gonna do this shit again but he lives far enough that even if it does develop into something, I'll never feel rushed cuz he's there and I'm here.
I can get into that
Later
- Carmello (I call him Tony in conversation but I have a love affair with his middle name that just won't die so he's Carmello here 😂😂😂)
Listen…
I know I said Carmello wasn't getting an entry until we decided what we were doing but *points* our post title happened.
Could be something. Could be nothing. What I do know is, yesterday, right after Max finished his photoshoot, almost 20mins after I hopped outta the shower, it hit me: I'm experiencing feelings. It's a full on feelings fest in my mind! So what happened?
Saturday was our very first phone date…
^As you can see, it went pretty well. Shit, I was on the phone with him longer than my shifts at work sometimes *laughs in productive laziness* At first, we were both kinda nervous. Nope. Scratch that. We were both stuttering like we don't talk on the phone all the time. I can't speak for him but I can say that for me, it was how he was looking at me. It was like he was seeing me for the first time. Yeah, yeah. Don't say it. Technically it was his first time. That's not what I mean.
What I mean is, I haven't been looked at like that since Caleb. (Whom I still haven't talked to since that day. He hasn't exactly been blowing up my phone so I suppose he's good with us no longer being in each other's lives. I suppose one could say that I could reach out but in my mind, that's the problem! It's always me reaching out to others when there's some sort of disagreement. Nobody ever pounds the pavement for me like I do for them. Is that petty? 🤔🤔🤔 Eh, to be figured out at a later date) I hate comparative thinking with a fiery passion but I would be foolish if I try to act like Caleb didn't tweak my views on dating a tad before he Caleb'ed me. I would also be foolish if I didn't admit that this is also why I immediately became wary when I realized what I was doing. The closest I've gotten to a feelings fest since then was Mike and we all saw what happened there. (Can we say dodged a bullet? Why yes. Yes we can. Let this be a lesson to you, kids. Never doubt your instincts. Write that down. It's important)
I don't wanna end up in yet another waste of time loop. See, with Mike, I always had doubts that's why I wouldn't allow myself to be his girlfriend. With Caleb, I was blindsided to a point where I was fully prepared to delete every dude who had ever so much as flirted with me. I was all in, remember? *looks around* Never you mind. I remember enough for the both of us. Only for him to suddenly, outta the clear, ocean blue sky tell me he wanted to be friends. Which was fine. This isn't a complaint. I was always fine with us being just friends. I'm not gonna pretend otherwise.
I'm just saying I don't want another “This is too much, can we just be friends?” type deal. I'm tired of these making friends cuz I'm awesome but not wanting to date me cuz if we break up we would lose our friendship type of situations. Or, or… My personal favorite the “I'm not ready for a relationship” only to turn around and be pounding the pavement for the next hoe like wait, what type of bullshit heathens.
I was so sure that I upped and decided that I freaking hate dating and stopped putting in effort. You remember? *nod nod* I remember. What does all this reminiscing have to do with Carmello? Welp, pull up a chair and get comfortable.
As I said, Saturday was our first phone date. Every once in a while he would shoot me a compliment and no, it's not that I'm not used to them. Definitely not that. It's just, he doesn't do regular guy compliments. It's not “You're sexy” “You're hawt” it's “You have beautiful eyes” “You're gorgeous” and um, again *points at post title* That one's new tho’.
Annnnnnnnnnnnd… We roast each other. He doesn't treat me like I'm some fragile piece of glass. I really, really appreciate that. The fact that we have similar senses of humor is a plus because yes. I also like that we're both artists and yet, it's different branches. He's a musician and I'm a writer. We both write but it's in different ways. We're also both editors but again, different branches.
This feels fresh. Like, there's a familiarity to it but not. That's the best way I can put it.
I've honestly never had a phone date before outside of when Andy and I used to watch movies. (Gah I miss that… But those weren't dates. That's how we hung out) Most people only wanna video call me cuz they either think I'm a catfish or they think I'm AI and I usually don't pay those idiots no mind. (They get that sweet, sweet block button. I don't negotiate with terrorists 😂😂😂)
We started discussing our aches and pain both physically and mentally and we have similar traumas but again, different. He got into a bad accident a few years back and he has to deal with daily pain because of it. Which rolled into me talking about therapy and why I do yoga and he asked me to show him some yoga moves. So I did. He said he would try it but it seems like something that would be better with a partner… Especially the downward facing dog part.
Of course this caused our conversation to veer towards sex. Come to find out, neither of us have had sex in a while.
That's another thing!
I haven't talked/thought/considered sex since HerpGate (Toldja that shit fucked with me mentally) and now it's a HUGE part of my day. Only with him tho’. I only wanna have sex with him. I'M OBSESSED… Somebody help me. I'm fighting for my life out here 😭😭😭
I fall asleep thinking about it. I wake up thinking about it. I take showers thinking about it. Bruh, I'm thinking about it right now! 😭😭😭 Just him tho’. My DMs stay with the bullshit but I want HIM. I'm glad he lives in Ohio or this would be way worse. I wouldn't get anything done if he could easily get to me or the other way around. Nope, not kidding. I'm so perserious.
*sighs* Honestly, for a phone date, it ended really, really well. Like, I would definitely do it again if he asked but ONLY if he asked cuz I told him I don't wanna feel like our efforts in whatever this is are one sided. No, I don't feel like they are. I just don't want it to get that far, ya know? At times, in the past, I have felt as if I was doing the most while the other party was doing the absolute least and this me isn't about that life. Either it's WE or it's ME. No exceptions. I don't care how cute ya are or how smoothe ya talk, either we are putting in effort or leave me where ya found me.
*sighs* I haven't heard from him yet today. It's weird to miss someone. I haven't just missed another person in a while. Imma say in about a year cuz the last time I missed someone in a romantic kinda way, I wanna say it was Luke and we all know that was more lust on my end than emotional attachment. See, that's the problem. I don't wanna form yet another emotional attachment and have it leas to nowhere.
I have a lot of fear in this situation. That's probably why even tho’ we've been talking since March, (March 25th to be exact) I was waiting for a reason to write an entry about him. I'm in no mood to find more time of mine down the toilet. I'm not feeling in love or anything but I do have genuine feelings annnnnnnnnnnnd I hafta make sure it's not lust cuz that's what it was with Luke and when I was done, my ass was just over it. This time I'm not telling him I don't wanna discuss feelings or anything. I'm just going with the flow to see where it leads.
I said I wasn't gonna do this shit again but he lives far enough that even if it does develop into something, I'll never feel rushed cuz he's there and I'm here.
I can get into that
Later