A Ridiculous Amount Of Jealousy...
“You might wanna talk that out with mommy. This is her house, I'm just here.”
- Mo
“That’s not true.”
- Player 456
*looks down at me* Yes it is. Talk to her about all that.”
- Mo (How this man trying to get Mo to make plans for him to come to MY HOUSE like not including me in on his plans wasn't the exact thing that got Zyi’ thrown out on his ass? I'll do you one better. Wasn't treating his mommy's house like his own exactly how Player 456 found himself thrown outta her humble abode? Bruh, shut up and stop trying to make my kids think it's smart to disrespect me)
Something is going on with Teri. She sent both Trevor and these cryptic texts then basically disappeared. Her phone is off. I dunno what to do. I'm starting to freak out. I might end up going by there if I haven't heard from her by Thursday afternoon.
*sighs in worries*
For now…
It's my anniversary! 3yrs ago today is when I became single (I mean single with Player 456 actually moved out. I was single since January 2021 with us living in the same house but that didn't work out obviously so yeah, this is my actual single anniversary. Like, all by my onesies anniversary) according to my records. That's wild to me. Know what's even wilder? I've been single this whole time. I mean, yeah… I've been out but I dunno. It's just, nothing has stuck so far.
In honor of this national holiday, I feel the need to talk about Player 456 and my new found understanding that I'm still harboring a bit of jealousy when it comes to him.
What do I mean?
Last night I was listening to him poor mouth Mo (She called him and he actually called her back. Personal growth) and ya know, not gonna lie. It's not like I haven't heard the struggle bus boo hoo “I've gotta do what's best for me so that I can be better for y'all” boo hoo before. It's just, I've heard it so often that I've become immune to it. Like sir. I got so mad that I started texted my therapist while they were talking…
(I meant kids not actions... I was pissed)
^Not to sound like a broken record but again, HE CHOSE THIS LIFE only to be on the phone last night talking about I just don't know how bad he wants to come home. Um, it's literally none of my business what he wants to do. I'm not on the phone with him divulging my struggles or trying to guilt trip him over his abandonment of us. Actually, I think it speaks VOLUMES that despite how he has behaved during this, I have kept an open door policy. He's been invited to the house many times. Hell, I've offered him rides even tho’ my ass doesn't even drive. If he asks to come, (Which doesn't happen often) I've never said “No” nor have I been ugly with him about all of this (I save that for therapy and here… Thank you for keeping the lights on LiveJournal) and here he was last night trying to make it seem like it was all about the lack of access to a phone in order to call. Bitch, even when you were allowed in the house which meant you were in the same house as your mommy's phone you weren't calling so WTF are you talking about?
Stop trying to gain sympathy points and gain some self awareness. You dangle yourself in front of the kids (Especially Mo and used to be in front of me too) like some sort of prize because you expected them (And I) to always be available to you. Now that things are slowly moving towards less accommodating, you wanna get all up in your feelings like you didn't have every chance to not miss Sunday's graduation dinner. Talking about it wasn't his fault cuz he didn't even hear about it until the day before.
^LIES!!! Not only did I set up the dinner with him, before the idea was even floated, I had called SIXTEEN times for him to be able to attend her graduation and he didn't answer for FOUR DAYS. (Which is why he isn't invited cuz what child deserves to spend their graduation day staring into the crowd looking for a face that might not show up? That means the day could be potentially ruined because of the pains disappointment and abandonment issues so nah. His ass ain't invited)
^That was when the dinner was decided on so sir, take that professional victim behavior shit over to somebody who hasn't seen it all before cuz I literally know what I'm looking at.
See, had he shown maturity and said he had forgotten, I would have received his lack of presence completely different. I only became invested after I listened to him telling Mo that he didn't know about the dinner ‘til the last minute and that Jimmy left him on purpose. Dude, I don't even like Jimmy and I know it's not his responsibility to get Player 456 from point A to point B. ESPECIALLY when his excuse was also that he fell asleep for 2days. Um sir, that still isn't Mo's problem. It's yours cuz truth is, instead of trying to gain sympathy points, if it was me and I was so sure that Jimmy had left me on purpose the 1st time, the next day I would have been keeping track of his ass so that when he left to pick up Kai and Laurynn, he wouldn't have been able to leave me cuz my ass woulda been glued to his stupid, dingy, pedophile looking van's window like: “When do we leave?”
Ain't enough “I'm sorry"s in the world to excuse the lack of common sense this man has displayed. He's had so much space and so many opportunities to do right by the kids and once Zyi’ moved out, he could have split time between texting him and calling Mo.
Talking about he needs time to get right with himself so that he could do right be them. See, this. This is where the jealousy comes in cuz bitch, what? I had to figure it out THE SAME DAY when he decided that I needed to GROW UP cuz he didn't think it was fair to have to get up to take me to work anymore even tho’ it was HIS IDEA since he wasn't giving me a dime.
Welp, he should be happy. Both kids made it to adulthood without him ever being placed on child support and he can hold his head up high knowing nobody was guilt tripping him for being a gawddamn deadbeat. Hell, he should be thankful that he is even still considered as family.
So now it's my turn to talk about what's not fair in my opinion…
*** It's not fair that he had 3yrs with nobody being mean/nasty with him (Well, nobody from my house) to get his shit together and hasn't made progress but I had to hold it down DAY ONE with him feeling totally fine being ugly with me (This is with several times swearing he was gonna start paying child support. It never happened which is why I never counted on it. Never count on the ramblings of an addict. It is known)
*** It's not fair for him to move in with me knowing I would have to wear the weight of knowing he didn't get me to where I am now. I did that shit on my own
*** It's not fair for him to move back in knowing he would want to saunter in whilst being in a relationship with me and that's with me knowing damn well that this me and past me’s headspaces are not one in the same. Shit, I'll even throw first me into the mix. Two of those heathens were willing to figure/work shit out. One of them ain't trying to hear that shit
*** It's not fair to have to spread my resources thin when he hasn't had to do that this entire time. Even when he fixes stuff or has helped me find things for the house, I pay my own way. He hasn't paid for any of it
*** It's not fair that he moved out on his feet with a roof over his head and all and now that he's lost everything, suddenly home is an option
*** It's not fair that the parental bar is set so low when it comes to him that he can do the bare minimum and receive a standing ovation whereas I'm held to a much higher standard
I think it say quite a bit about my character development that I can admit that this made me feel jealous. After Mo and I did our positive points over the situation, I felt calmer and was able to sleep but… Ya know…
This whole thing is just insulting, is what it is. That's why I do everything I can not to say what is deserved. Were I to actually tell him about his deadbeat ass, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT IS DESERVED, it would feel like back peddling and all that past doesn't get to slither through my present because I don't want it anywhere near my future.
So I will remain quiet (Until I'm in therapy)
Later
PS: I had so much fun playing games with the kids over the weekend. Kai has this game on his Switch that we can all play on our phones so we played on Saturday and even tho’ Sunday is usually a no phone day, we played then too.
PS2: Apparently Zyi’ is about to get thrown outta the place he's living in on the 1st of June. Something about him being a slob and not taking care of himself. Talking about the lady who brought him down here said he wasn't raised right cuz he should know better and it's a sign that he doesn't love himself. Unfortunately, I'm not there so I can't fully weigh in. What i can do is say that my kids were raised right. Zyi’ was already living foul when he left which is why I made the kids clean constantly. They didn't come from a pig pen so they were expected to act like it. Zyi's problem is he wants to do what he wants to do. See; he should have been putting up money since he got his new job. It's literally one of the rules of money! He was mad cuz the lady is on his ass about him wasting money and all I could think is: This is why I raised them to have their own. Can't nobody tell you squat when you have your own shit. I'm not gonna say he isn't saving since I'm not there but going by what I do know, it's highly unlikely
- Mo
“That’s not true.”
- Player 456
*looks down at me* Yes it is. Talk to her about all that.”
- Mo (How this man trying to get Mo to make plans for him to come to MY HOUSE like not including me in on his plans wasn't the exact thing that got Zyi’ thrown out on his ass? I'll do you one better. Wasn't treating his mommy's house like his own exactly how Player 456 found himself thrown outta her humble abode? Bruh, shut up and stop trying to make my kids think it's smart to disrespect me)
Something is going on with Teri. She sent both Trevor and these cryptic texts then basically disappeared. Her phone is off. I dunno what to do. I'm starting to freak out. I might end up going by there if I haven't heard from her by Thursday afternoon.
*sighs in worries*
For now…
It's my anniversary! 3yrs ago today is when I became single (I mean single with Player 456 actually moved out. I was single since January 2021 with us living in the same house but that didn't work out obviously so yeah, this is my actual single anniversary. Like, all by my onesies anniversary) according to my records. That's wild to me. Know what's even wilder? I've been single this whole time. I mean, yeah… I've been out but I dunno. It's just, nothing has stuck so far.
In honor of this national holiday, I feel the need to talk about Player 456 and my new found understanding that I'm still harboring a bit of jealousy when it comes to him.
What do I mean?
Last night I was listening to him poor mouth Mo (She called him and he actually called her back. Personal growth) and ya know, not gonna lie. It's not like I haven't heard the struggle bus boo hoo “I've gotta do what's best for me so that I can be better for y'all” boo hoo before. It's just, I've heard it so often that I've become immune to it. Like sir. I got so mad that I started texted my therapist while they were talking…
(I meant kids not actions... I was pissed)
^Not to sound like a broken record but again, HE CHOSE THIS LIFE only to be on the phone last night talking about I just don't know how bad he wants to come home. Um, it's literally none of my business what he wants to do. I'm not on the phone with him divulging my struggles or trying to guilt trip him over his abandonment of us. Actually, I think it speaks VOLUMES that despite how he has behaved during this, I have kept an open door policy. He's been invited to the house many times. Hell, I've offered him rides even tho’ my ass doesn't even drive. If he asks to come, (Which doesn't happen often) I've never said “No” nor have I been ugly with him about all of this (I save that for therapy and here… Thank you for keeping the lights on LiveJournal) and here he was last night trying to make it seem like it was all about the lack of access to a phone in order to call. Bitch, even when you were allowed in the house which meant you were in the same house as your mommy's phone you weren't calling so WTF are you talking about?
Stop trying to gain sympathy points and gain some self awareness. You dangle yourself in front of the kids (Especially Mo and used to be in front of me too) like some sort of prize because you expected them (And I) to always be available to you. Now that things are slowly moving towards less accommodating, you wanna get all up in your feelings like you didn't have every chance to not miss Sunday's graduation dinner. Talking about it wasn't his fault cuz he didn't even hear about it until the day before.
^LIES!!! Not only did I set up the dinner with him, before the idea was even floated, I had called SIXTEEN times for him to be able to attend her graduation and he didn't answer for FOUR DAYS. (Which is why he isn't invited cuz what child deserves to spend their graduation day staring into the crowd looking for a face that might not show up? That means the day could be potentially ruined because of the pains disappointment and abandonment issues so nah. His ass ain't invited)
^That was when the dinner was decided on so sir, take that professional victim behavior shit over to somebody who hasn't seen it all before cuz I literally know what I'm looking at.
See, had he shown maturity and said he had forgotten, I would have received his lack of presence completely different. I only became invested after I listened to him telling Mo that he didn't know about the dinner ‘til the last minute and that Jimmy left him on purpose. Dude, I don't even like Jimmy and I know it's not his responsibility to get Player 456 from point A to point B. ESPECIALLY when his excuse was also that he fell asleep for 2days. Um sir, that still isn't Mo's problem. It's yours cuz truth is, instead of trying to gain sympathy points, if it was me and I was so sure that Jimmy had left me on purpose the 1st time, the next day I would have been keeping track of his ass so that when he left to pick up Kai and Laurynn, he wouldn't have been able to leave me cuz my ass woulda been glued to his stupid, dingy, pedophile looking van's window like: “When do we leave?”
Ain't enough “I'm sorry"s in the world to excuse the lack of common sense this man has displayed. He's had so much space and so many opportunities to do right by the kids and once Zyi’ moved out, he could have split time between texting him and calling Mo.
Talking about he needs time to get right with himself so that he could do right be them. See, this. This is where the jealousy comes in cuz bitch, what? I had to figure it out THE SAME DAY when he decided that I needed to GROW UP cuz he didn't think it was fair to have to get up to take me to work anymore even tho’ it was HIS IDEA since he wasn't giving me a dime.
Welp, he should be happy. Both kids made it to adulthood without him ever being placed on child support and he can hold his head up high knowing nobody was guilt tripping him for being a gawddamn deadbeat. Hell, he should be thankful that he is even still considered as family.
So now it's my turn to talk about what's not fair in my opinion…
*** It's not fair that he had 3yrs with nobody being mean/nasty with him (Well, nobody from my house) to get his shit together and hasn't made progress but I had to hold it down DAY ONE with him feeling totally fine being ugly with me (This is with several times swearing he was gonna start paying child support. It never happened which is why I never counted on it. Never count on the ramblings of an addict. It is known)
*** It's not fair for him to move in with me knowing I would have to wear the weight of knowing he didn't get me to where I am now. I did that shit on my own
*** It's not fair for him to move back in knowing he would want to saunter in whilst being in a relationship with me and that's with me knowing damn well that this me and past me’s headspaces are not one in the same. Shit, I'll even throw first me into the mix. Two of those heathens were willing to figure/work shit out. One of them ain't trying to hear that shit
*** It's not fair to have to spread my resources thin when he hasn't had to do that this entire time. Even when he fixes stuff or has helped me find things for the house, I pay my own way. He hasn't paid for any of it
*** It's not fair that he moved out on his feet with a roof over his head and all and now that he's lost everything, suddenly home is an option
*** It's not fair that the parental bar is set so low when it comes to him that he can do the bare minimum and receive a standing ovation whereas I'm held to a much higher standard
I think it say quite a bit about my character development that I can admit that this made me feel jealous. After Mo and I did our positive points over the situation, I felt calmer and was able to sleep but… Ya know…
This whole thing is just insulting, is what it is. That's why I do everything I can not to say what is deserved. Were I to actually tell him about his deadbeat ass, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT IS DESERVED, it would feel like back peddling and all that past doesn't get to slither through my present because I don't want it anywhere near my future.
So I will remain quiet (Until I'm in therapy)
Later
PS: I had so much fun playing games with the kids over the weekend. Kai has this game on his Switch that we can all play on our phones so we played on Saturday and even tho’ Sunday is usually a no phone day, we played then too.
PS2: Apparently Zyi’ is about to get thrown outta the place he's living in on the 1st of June. Something about him being a slob and not taking care of himself. Talking about the lady who brought him down here said he wasn't raised right cuz he should know better and it's a sign that he doesn't love himself. Unfortunately, I'm not there so I can't fully weigh in. What i can do is say that my kids were raised right. Zyi’ was already living foul when he left which is why I made the kids clean constantly. They didn't come from a pig pen so they were expected to act like it. Zyi's problem is he wants to do what he wants to do. See; he should have been putting up money since he got his new job. It's literally one of the rules of money! He was mad cuz the lady is on his ass about him wasting money and all I could think is: This is why I raised them to have their own. Can't nobody tell you squat when you have your own shit. I'm not gonna say he isn't saving since I'm not there but going by what I do know, it's highly unlikely