seriously, he's saying "my balls deep in muddy water"
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
VAMPIRES, JANE, EDWARD, BELLA, ALICE: *are in a house or something, after skipping around in the sewers or something*
RANDOM HUMAN WOMAN: Oh, hi Jane.
ONE OF THE VAMPIRES, NAMED FELIX: Sup baby.
HUMAN WOMAN: Teehee!
ALEC: Hey Jane. Wow, went out for one and brought back two!... Oh and a human.
FELIX: DIBS!
THAT: *actual quote. No, really.*
EDWARD: BITCH I CUT YOU.
ALICE: No. No you don’t. Sit boy.
EDWARD: :(
ALEC: Well let’s get going then.
THE ROOM THEY GO TO: *goddamn FULL of sparkling vampires*
BELLA: I’m so dazzled I could faint. Again.
A PARTICULARLY FABULOUS VAMPIRE: Oh, DARLINGS! You’re back! Oh this is fabulous! And with Alice and Bella too! Goodness, where are my manners! Felix, darling, be a dear and tell my brothers about the excellent news. Ah, Edward! Aren’t you glad we didn’t kill you?
EDWARD: Yeah, it’s cool.
FABULOUS, WHOSE NAME IS ACTUALLY ARO, BUT... FUCK IT, “FABULOUS” IS BETTER: Oh I do so love a happy ending!
THESE QUOTES HERE: *aren’t far off from the ACTUAL QUOTES... Aro is gayer than Clay Aiken*
FABULOUS: Alice, darling, I’m so glad to know that your vision was off! See, I sort of read Edward’s mind yesterday and heard the whole sad story.
EDWARD: Aro can read minds too, better than I can, but he needs physical contact.
FABULOUS: Gosh, I am so jealous of our precious little Eddie’s powers! Distance reading would be super! Oh, my brothers are here. Marcus, Caius, look! Bella is alive, isn’t that marvelous!?
MARCUS: Whatever.
FABULOUS: Now now Marcus, tell the story! *touch hands* Oooo, intense.
EDWARD: *to Bella* Marcus can see relationships. Apparently ours is surprisingly intense.
READERS: *headdesk*
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: MY HEART IS AFLUTTER.
FABULOUS: It takes a lot to surprise Marcus. Apparently he’s never seen vapid teenagers in love! Weird, I thought he’d seen a million self-absorbed romances with stalkers and whiny teenage girls but apparently I’m wrong. Edward darling, I’m surprised you’re wasting her! She smells exceptional. I would have eaten her right off the bat!
BELLA: WHAT.
EDWARD: Yeah it’s a struggle.
BELLA: EXCUSE ME.
FABULOUS: Having your memories of how much you want her makes me want her. Don’t worry I won’t eat her. Oh Bella, it is just fascinating that Edward here can’t read your mind! Can I try to read yours to see if I can? Oh pretty please.
BELLA: You’re creeping me out here, dude. But sure. *handtouch*
FABULOUS: Weird, it isn’t working. Bella is a special snowflake indeed. JANE, YOUR TURN!
EDWARD: HEY NO. *jumps between Bella and Jane*
SOME UNSEEN FORCE: WE KNOCK YOU DOWN BITCH. DOWN FOR THE COUNT.
EDWARD: Uh, ow?
JANE: Aw, I missed.
BELLA: ... What just happened?
JANE: YOUR TURN.
NOTHING: *happens*
JANE: FUCK.
FABULOUS: Oh marvelous! Don’t feel bad Jane, apparently she’s completely immune to our powers for no reason whatsoever and Stephenie Meyer will probably never explain it. Alice, Edward, Bella, you should all join us. Bella, you’d have to be a vampire of course, but it has such excellent potential!
BELLA: Uh. No thanks, I’m good.
FABULOUS: Oh. Well, that sucks. As a human you know too much about us and that’s a bit of a problem, especially since Edward will neither kill you nor turn you and it pretty much has to be one or the other. Unless, Eddie my boy... you do intend to turn her.
EDWARD: ... Maybe.
BELLA: WHAT? BITCH, I’VE BEEN ASKING FOREVER FOR THAT.
FABULOUS: Keep in mind I’ll read your mind, boy, and if you’re lying about eventually turning her then we have a problem.
EDWARD: Shit.
ALICE: Or for the love of... back off, I’ve got this. *handtouch*
FABULOUS: Oooo, I like your mind. Oh well! They’re not joining us today but maybe later. I look forward to Bella! You’re all free to go now, but you should visit more often!
FELIX: And you’d better turn Bella pretty fast or I’ll eat her. Also you might want to leave pretty quickly, Heidi is coming.
READERS: God, enough random beautiful vampires already, let’s just LEAVE.
FABULOUS: Bye now, call me!
A TON OF HUMANS: Yay, I love being touristy!
FABULOUS: Oh yum.
HEIDI: Hi.
READERS: Fuck. We’re never getting past this part, are we.
HEIDI: I’m pretty.
READERS: Nope, we’re not...
HEIDI: I like eating people. Bye now!
END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
READERS: *sobs* I’m so bored I could die.
Back to chapter one!
VAMPIRES, JANE, EDWARD, BELLA, ALICE: *are in a house or something, after skipping around in the sewers or something*
RANDOM HUMAN WOMAN: Oh, hi Jane.
ONE OF THE VAMPIRES, NAMED FELIX: Sup baby.
HUMAN WOMAN: Teehee!
ALEC: Hey Jane. Wow, went out for one and brought back two!... Oh and a human.
FELIX: DIBS!
THAT: *actual quote. No, really.*
EDWARD: BITCH I CUT YOU.
ALICE: No. No you don’t. Sit boy.
EDWARD: :(
ALEC: Well let’s get going then.
THE ROOM THEY GO TO: *goddamn FULL of sparkling vampires*
BELLA: I’m so dazzled I could faint. Again.
A PARTICULARLY FABULOUS VAMPIRE: Oh, DARLINGS! You’re back! Oh this is fabulous! And with Alice and Bella too! Goodness, where are my manners! Felix, darling, be a dear and tell my brothers about the excellent news. Ah, Edward! Aren’t you glad we didn’t kill you?
EDWARD: Yeah, it’s cool.
FABULOUS, WHOSE NAME IS ACTUALLY ARO, BUT... FUCK IT, “FABULOUS” IS BETTER: Oh I do so love a happy ending!
THESE QUOTES HERE: *aren’t far off from the ACTUAL QUOTES... Aro is gayer than Clay Aiken*
FABULOUS: Alice, darling, I’m so glad to know that your vision was off! See, I sort of read Edward’s mind yesterday and heard the whole sad story.
EDWARD: Aro can read minds too, better than I can, but he needs physical contact.
FABULOUS: Gosh, I am so jealous of our precious little Eddie’s powers! Distance reading would be super! Oh, my brothers are here. Marcus, Caius, look! Bella is alive, isn’t that marvelous!?
MARCUS: Whatever.
FABULOUS: Now now Marcus, tell the story! *touch hands* Oooo, intense.
EDWARD: *to Bella* Marcus can see relationships. Apparently ours is surprisingly intense.
READERS: *headdesk*
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: MY HEART IS AFLUTTER.
FABULOUS: It takes a lot to surprise Marcus. Apparently he’s never seen vapid teenagers in love! Weird, I thought he’d seen a million self-absorbed romances with stalkers and whiny teenage girls but apparently I’m wrong. Edward darling, I’m surprised you’re wasting her! She smells exceptional. I would have eaten her right off the bat!
BELLA: WHAT.
EDWARD: Yeah it’s a struggle.
BELLA: EXCUSE ME.
FABULOUS: Having your memories of how much you want her makes me want her. Don’t worry I won’t eat her. Oh Bella, it is just fascinating that Edward here can’t read your mind! Can I try to read yours to see if I can? Oh pretty please.
BELLA: You’re creeping me out here, dude. But sure. *handtouch*
FABULOUS: Weird, it isn’t working. Bella is a special snowflake indeed. JANE, YOUR TURN!
EDWARD: HEY NO. *jumps between Bella and Jane*
SOME UNSEEN FORCE: WE KNOCK YOU DOWN BITCH. DOWN FOR THE COUNT.
EDWARD: Uh, ow?
JANE: Aw, I missed.
BELLA: ... What just happened?
JANE: YOUR TURN.
NOTHING: *happens*
JANE: FUCK.
FABULOUS: Oh marvelous! Don’t feel bad Jane, apparently she’s completely immune to our powers for no reason whatsoever and Stephenie Meyer will probably never explain it. Alice, Edward, Bella, you should all join us. Bella, you’d have to be a vampire of course, but it has such excellent potential!
BELLA: Uh. No thanks, I’m good.
FABULOUS: Oh. Well, that sucks. As a human you know too much about us and that’s a bit of a problem, especially since Edward will neither kill you nor turn you and it pretty much has to be one or the other. Unless, Eddie my boy... you do intend to turn her.
EDWARD: ... Maybe.
BELLA: WHAT? BITCH, I’VE BEEN ASKING FOREVER FOR THAT.
FABULOUS: Keep in mind I’ll read your mind, boy, and if you’re lying about eventually turning her then we have a problem.
EDWARD: Shit.
ALICE: Or for the love of... back off, I’ve got this. *handtouch*
FABULOUS: Oooo, I like your mind. Oh well! They’re not joining us today but maybe later. I look forward to Bella! You’re all free to go now, but you should visit more often!
FELIX: And you’d better turn Bella pretty fast or I’ll eat her. Also you might want to leave pretty quickly, Heidi is coming.
READERS: God, enough random beautiful vampires already, let’s just LEAVE.
FABULOUS: Bye now, call me!
A TON OF HUMANS: Yay, I love being touristy!
FABULOUS: Oh yum.
HEIDI: Hi.
READERS: Fuck. We’re never getting past this part, are we.
HEIDI: I’m pretty.
READERS: Nope, we’re not...
HEIDI: I like eating people. Bye now!
END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
READERS: *sobs* I’m so bored I could die.
Back to chapter one!