I can't even think of anything to put in the subject line. This book wiped my brain clean.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
BELLA: YAY WE MADE THE FLIGHT!
FLIGHT: *is, of course, long and boring*
BELLA: This is torture.
READERS: YOU HAVE NO GODDAMN IDEA.
ALICE: *uses the plane phone* Hey Jasper, how’s it going? Anything good on TV? Oh, right, Edward... my visions are pretty varied, but he’ll definitely do something stupid. What? No, don’t do that. I think Bella is our best option right now. Don’t follow me, I’ll be fine. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, love you too. Uh-huh. Okay bye.
BELLA: Why can’t all the Cullens go after Edward?
ALICE: Because he’ll STILL be stupid, only faster this time.
BELLA: Can’t he read your mind and know I’m alive?
ALICE: He’s just as stupid as you, he’d think I was lying. Anyway, I’m going to tell you a long boring explanation of why the group in Italy is really dangerous. Basically their group is unusually large for vampires and they enforce the rule of vampires to keep our existence a secret. Anyway, Edward is probably going to go in their city and break that one rule so he dies. Now be quiet so I can try to see what he’s doing.
BELLA: It’s cool, that gives me time to angst a bit.
(later)
BELLA: Alice, we’re in New York, we have to get on another plane now.
ALICE: Oh, okay. Edward is close and trying to decide how to ask them to kill him. Just FYI.
BELLA: Lovely.
(later)
ALICE: Good news! They’re going to ask him to stay with them because they like his ability to read minds. Means they won’t kill him right off the bat.
BELLA: ... Yay? How are you seeing him so clearly? Also, let’s talk about that time you saw me become a vampire.
READERS THAT HAVE ONLY READ SHINGA’S PARODY: I don’t remember that part...
SHINGA: We’ve been over this... BORING.
ALICE: Yeeeah, I’ve been thinking about turning you into a vampire.
BELLA: OH GOD YES, BITE ME NOW.
ALICE/BELLA SHIPPERS: :D
STEPHENIE MEYER: >:(
ALICE/BELLA SHIPPERS: D:
ALICE: Not now, you’ll writhe in pain for days and that’s not exactly helpful right now. Maybe later though. Edward will be pissed.
(later)
ALICE: Okay, update, they told him no and now he’s going to run off and reveal himself to humans by walking into the sunlight.
A PAUSE: *is really needed here*
BECAUSE: *yeah, you read it right... he’s going to get people to kill him... by sparkling*
....
*SPARKLING WHAT THE FUCK*
BELLA: Oh no, sparkles!
ALICE: Yeah, it’ll be pretty fabulous.
ANOTHER PAUSE: *is needed, but only because me writing this was hilariously interrupted by Mormons at my door... I felt it was appropriate to mention*
STEPHENIE MEYER: My spies are everywhere.
ALICE: So, want to steal a car?
(later)
BELLA: ... Okay seriously, a bright yellow Porshe? How is this subtle?
ALICE: Fuck subtle, this baby is awesome. Let’s ride! Anyway there’s some big festival going on in town to celebrate the saint that drove vampires away from the city. Edward’s planning on jumping out into the sunlight and doing a sparkly dance going “HA HA, SO MUCH FOR THAT”.
BELLA: And our plan is...?
ALICE: He just has to see you before he does that, it should stop him. Oh and try not to trip and knock yourself out.
READERS: Seriously? You’re going to fit in a mention of “o look bella is clumsy how funny and realistically human” NOW?
ALICE: We’re here!
END OF CHAPTER NINETEEN
SPARKLES: *dazzle dazzle*
Back to chapter one!
BELLA: YAY WE MADE THE FLIGHT!
FLIGHT: *is, of course, long and boring*
BELLA: This is torture.
READERS: YOU HAVE NO GODDAMN IDEA.
ALICE: *uses the plane phone* Hey Jasper, how’s it going? Anything good on TV? Oh, right, Edward... my visions are pretty varied, but he’ll definitely do something stupid. What? No, don’t do that. I think Bella is our best option right now. Don’t follow me, I’ll be fine. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, love you too. Uh-huh. Okay bye.
BELLA: Why can’t all the Cullens go after Edward?
ALICE: Because he’ll STILL be stupid, only faster this time.
BELLA: Can’t he read your mind and know I’m alive?
ALICE: He’s just as stupid as you, he’d think I was lying. Anyway, I’m going to tell you a long boring explanation of why the group in Italy is really dangerous. Basically their group is unusually large for vampires and they enforce the rule of vampires to keep our existence a secret. Anyway, Edward is probably going to go in their city and break that one rule so he dies. Now be quiet so I can try to see what he’s doing.
BELLA: It’s cool, that gives me time to angst a bit.
(later)
BELLA: Alice, we’re in New York, we have to get on another plane now.
ALICE: Oh, okay. Edward is close and trying to decide how to ask them to kill him. Just FYI.
BELLA: Lovely.
(later)
ALICE: Good news! They’re going to ask him to stay with them because they like his ability to read minds. Means they won’t kill him right off the bat.
BELLA: ... Yay? How are you seeing him so clearly? Also, let’s talk about that time you saw me become a vampire.
READERS THAT HAVE ONLY READ SHINGA’S PARODY: I don’t remember that part...
SHINGA: We’ve been over this... BORING.
ALICE: Yeeeah, I’ve been thinking about turning you into a vampire.
BELLA: OH GOD YES, BITE ME NOW.
ALICE/BELLA SHIPPERS: :D
STEPHENIE MEYER: >:(
ALICE/BELLA SHIPPERS: D:
ALICE: Not now, you’ll writhe in pain for days and that’s not exactly helpful right now. Maybe later though. Edward will be pissed.
(later)
ALICE: Okay, update, they told him no and now he’s going to run off and reveal himself to humans by walking into the sunlight.
A PAUSE: *is really needed here*
BECAUSE: *yeah, you read it right... he’s going to get people to kill him... by sparkling*
....
*SPARKLING WHAT THE FUCK*
BELLA: Oh no, sparkles!
ALICE: Yeah, it’ll be pretty fabulous.
ANOTHER PAUSE: *is needed, but only because me writing this was hilariously interrupted by Mormons at my door... I felt it was appropriate to mention*
STEPHENIE MEYER: My spies are everywhere.
ALICE: So, want to steal a car?
(later)
BELLA: ... Okay seriously, a bright yellow Porshe? How is this subtle?
ALICE: Fuck subtle, this baby is awesome. Let’s ride! Anyway there’s some big festival going on in town to celebrate the saint that drove vampires away from the city. Edward’s planning on jumping out into the sunlight and doing a sparkly dance going “HA HA, SO MUCH FOR THAT”.
BELLA: And our plan is...?
ALICE: He just has to see you before he does that, it should stop him. Oh and try not to trip and knock yourself out.
READERS: Seriously? You’re going to fit in a mention of “o look bella is clumsy how funny and realistically human” NOW?
ALICE: We’re here!
END OF CHAPTER NINETEEN
SPARKLES: *dazzle dazzle*
Back to chapter one!