I have a cute cat. I thought this was worth mentioning.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
BELLA: I need to confront Jacob, but not over the phone. Now that he’s a psycho killer I’m going to confront him face to face... hey, maybe Edward’s voice will pop up in my head! Either way, I have to warn him that my dad and his buddies are going to shoot his furry ass.
ANGST: Here, I’ll help move this story along.
BELLA: WHY DOES MY BFF HAVE TO BE A WEREWOLF AND A MONSTER?!
ANGST: I love that I’m a main character in this book.
BELLA: Hey Billy, what’s up?
BILLY: *shifty eyes* Oh, well, you know... nothing. At all. I’m not obvious about this.
BELLA: Right. Well, I came here to tell Jacob... about people hunting to kill some giant wolves.. hinthint.
BILLY: ... Riiight. Gotcha. Hint taken. I’ll uh... mention that to him. Even though there’s... no reason it’s important to him. WINK WINK.
BELLA: I’m going to see Jacob.
BILLY: He’s asleep, he stayed out late. Kids do that.
JACOB: *is actually asleep*
BELLA: Fine, he’s asleep. I’ll be down by the beach, tell him that.
BILLY: Right, whatever Glitterfucker.
THE BEACH: I am full of angsty memories of you and Jacob!
BELLA: Kri kril.
JACOB: Yo.
BELLA: JAKEYPOO.
JACOB: Figured it out, huh?
BELLA: I’m smart.
JACOB: Yeah right. Why didn’t you just call?
BELLA: Because this is more interesting to the readers! Anyway, I came to tell you things.
JACOB: Like the hunters that won’t catch us, guns and traps are no match. They’ll disappear soon like the rest of them.
BELLA: WHAT THE FUCK. Have you ever tried... not being a werewolf?
JACOB: Well first off, thank you for giving me the gay speech. Secondly, bitch, that is not how this works.
BELLA: Kri I’m scared of you.
JACOB: Bitch, what the fuck. Seriously. Is it because I’m the non-sparkly variety of monster, suddenly you hate me?
BELLA: Well yeah.
EDWARD’S VOICE: Don’t be a moron.
BELLA: I mean uh... no. No, that’s not it, I’m fine with you being a furry, it’s just that I don’t like you killing people.
JACOB: Oh, seriously? Cool. LET’S HUG!
BELLA: OWFUCK.
JACOB: Sorry I called you a glitterfucking bitchwhore.
BELLA: ... Uh, you didn’t.
JACOB: Right right. Well in any case, I don’t kill people, so we can be BFF again! ... Let us make out with tongue.
BELLA: Let’s not.
JACOB: Oh. Well in any case, we’re not killing people, we’re protecting them from our ONE ENEMY.
BELLA: ... Vampires?
JACOB: No, Riverdancers. Those fuckers are embarrassing.
BELLA: ...
JACOB: YES, vampires. The missing people are only missing because we got there too late to save them.
JACOB FANGIRLS: I KNEW HE WAS GOOD! BELLA BACK OFF, HE’S MINE.
BELLA: So Laurent is killing people? You know, the vampire in the meadow you saved me from.
JACOB: Nah, we killed him.
BELLA: ... Are you fucking serious?
REMUS LUPIN: Teehee.
JACOB: Why, was Laurent your BFF too?
BELLA: Ew, no. I thought he was going to kill me and Charlie. HOW DID YOU KILL HIM? He’s made of marble!
JACOB: Nah, it’s cool, we’re made for killing vampires. Also, you’re totally not safe from me.
BELLA: It’s cool, if I were you wouldn’t be interesting. It’s why Edward and I worked so well as a couple!
JACOB: Right. Well if I get mad I’ll turn into a wolf and might eat you.
BELLA: WHAT? First Hollywood and Wikipedia tell me that vampires don’t sparkle, now they tell me that you only turn into a wolf at a full moon. WHAT ELSE HAS IT LIED TO ME ABOUT? ... WAIT A FUCKING SECOND, people are still dying, I thought you killed Laurent.
JACOB: Oh yeah... no, we did, now some crazy bitch is still doing it. We just haven’t found her to take her out yet.
BELLA: Ah hell, that’s Victoria, she’s obsessed with killing me, because everyone has to be obsessed with me.
EDWARD’S VOICE: I SNARL AT HER NAME. SNARL.
BELLA: I feel faint!
JACOB: Oh crap WHAT DO I DO?
BELLA: I’m not sick, I’m scared. Victoria wants me dead because Edward killed HER boyfriend so she wants to kill HIS girlfriend... even though I’m just a plain lowly clumsy human and not good enough for the godlike Edward. HOLD ME JACOB:
JACOB: Well okay. In any case, thanks for telling us that Victoria wants you dead, it’s actually pretty helpful. Oh and your ex-boyfriend is stupid.
BELLA: HEY.
JACOB: BRB, getting my posse.
BELLA: D: Victoria will kill me! She’s totally going to kill me! TOTALLY.
JACOB: HI I’M BACK.
BELLA: FUCKSHIT.
JACOB: Why are you scared? I’ll protect you! :D
BELLA: Right. Where did you go?
JACOB: It’s a secret, but I’ll tell you. We wolves can hear each other’s thoughts! Like, all the time. It’s embarrassing. And let me tell you, Sam? Dirty man.
BELLA: Right. Well Edward could read minds too, except mine, so this doesn’t bother me.
JACOB: Oh, that’s not just a myth? Anyway, I turned into a wolf but tried not to think about you because Sam is the Alpha and would have been all “no u cant take bella, lulz” and I can’t really disobey him. Alpha thing.
BELLA: Creepy.
JACOB: A bit. Anyway, turning into a wolf TOTALLY sucked, but the voices in my head said it would be okay! Poor Sam turned by himself though so that must have sucked for him.
BELLA: I feel nicer to Sam now!
JACOB: Anyway, the pack won’t be happy about you, but you’ve got some insider information because you were Edward’s squeeze. Oh sorry you don’t like to hear his name.
BELLA: No, just his voice in my head when I’m being stupid.
JACOB: What?
BELLA: Nothing. Oh Jacob, it’s like you can read my mind.
READERS: ... Okay then...
JACOB: So you’re STILL angsting over glitterboy?
BELLA: Can we not talk about the hole left in my heart? The wound is still fresh and I cry every night.
JACOB: That’s pretty pathetic. Oh, my posse is here! Don’t be scared, not like they can turn into giant wolves and eat you or anything.
BELLA: .... I goddamn hate you.
END OF CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: *was surprisingly boring* *wait, not surprising...*
Back to chapter one!
BELLA: I need to confront Jacob, but not over the phone. Now that he’s a psycho killer I’m going to confront him face to face... hey, maybe Edward’s voice will pop up in my head! Either way, I have to warn him that my dad and his buddies are going to shoot his furry ass.
ANGST: Here, I’ll help move this story along.
BELLA: WHY DOES MY BFF HAVE TO BE A WEREWOLF AND A MONSTER?!
ANGST: I love that I’m a main character in this book.
BELLA: Hey Billy, what’s up?
BILLY: *shifty eyes* Oh, well, you know... nothing. At all. I’m not obvious about this.
BELLA: Right. Well, I came here to tell Jacob... about people hunting to kill some giant wolves.. hinthint.
BILLY: ... Riiight. Gotcha. Hint taken. I’ll uh... mention that to him. Even though there’s... no reason it’s important to him. WINK WINK.
BELLA: I’m going to see Jacob.
BILLY: He’s asleep, he stayed out late. Kids do that.
JACOB: *is actually asleep*
BELLA: Fine, he’s asleep. I’ll be down by the beach, tell him that.
BILLY: Right, whatever Glitterfucker.
THE BEACH: I am full of angsty memories of you and Jacob!
BELLA: Kri kril.
JACOB: Yo.
BELLA: JAKEYPOO.
JACOB: Figured it out, huh?
BELLA: I’m smart.
JACOB: Yeah right. Why didn’t you just call?
BELLA: Because this is more interesting to the readers! Anyway, I came to tell you things.
JACOB: Like the hunters that won’t catch us, guns and traps are no match. They’ll disappear soon like the rest of them.
BELLA: WHAT THE FUCK. Have you ever tried... not being a werewolf?
JACOB: Well first off, thank you for giving me the gay speech. Secondly, bitch, that is not how this works.
BELLA: Kri I’m scared of you.
JACOB: Bitch, what the fuck. Seriously. Is it because I’m the non-sparkly variety of monster, suddenly you hate me?
BELLA: Well yeah.
EDWARD’S VOICE: Don’t be a moron.
BELLA: I mean uh... no. No, that’s not it, I’m fine with you being a furry, it’s just that I don’t like you killing people.
JACOB: Oh, seriously? Cool. LET’S HUG!
BELLA: OWFUCK.
JACOB: Sorry I called you a glitterfucking bitchwhore.
BELLA: ... Uh, you didn’t.
JACOB: Right right. Well in any case, I don’t kill people, so we can be BFF again! ... Let us make out with tongue.
BELLA: Let’s not.
JACOB: Oh. Well in any case, we’re not killing people, we’re protecting them from our ONE ENEMY.
BELLA: ... Vampires?
JACOB: No, Riverdancers. Those fuckers are embarrassing.
BELLA: ...
JACOB: YES, vampires. The missing people are only missing because we got there too late to save them.
JACOB FANGIRLS: I KNEW HE WAS GOOD! BELLA BACK OFF, HE’S MINE.
BELLA: So Laurent is killing people? You know, the vampire in the meadow you saved me from.
JACOB: Nah, we killed him.
BELLA: ... Are you fucking serious?
REMUS LUPIN: Teehee.
JACOB: Why, was Laurent your BFF too?
BELLA: Ew, no. I thought he was going to kill me and Charlie. HOW DID YOU KILL HIM? He’s made of marble!
JACOB: Nah, it’s cool, we’re made for killing vampires. Also, you’re totally not safe from me.
BELLA: It’s cool, if I were you wouldn’t be interesting. It’s why Edward and I worked so well as a couple!
JACOB: Right. Well if I get mad I’ll turn into a wolf and might eat you.
BELLA: WHAT? First Hollywood and Wikipedia tell me that vampires don’t sparkle, now they tell me that you only turn into a wolf at a full moon. WHAT ELSE HAS IT LIED TO ME ABOUT? ... WAIT A FUCKING SECOND, people are still dying, I thought you killed Laurent.
JACOB: Oh yeah... no, we did, now some crazy bitch is still doing it. We just haven’t found her to take her out yet.
BELLA: Ah hell, that’s Victoria, she’s obsessed with killing me, because everyone has to be obsessed with me.
EDWARD’S VOICE: I SNARL AT HER NAME. SNARL.
BELLA: I feel faint!
JACOB: Oh crap WHAT DO I DO?
BELLA: I’m not sick, I’m scared. Victoria wants me dead because Edward killed HER boyfriend so she wants to kill HIS girlfriend... even though I’m just a plain lowly clumsy human and not good enough for the godlike Edward. HOLD ME JACOB:
JACOB: Well okay. In any case, thanks for telling us that Victoria wants you dead, it’s actually pretty helpful. Oh and your ex-boyfriend is stupid.
BELLA: HEY.
JACOB: BRB, getting my posse.
BELLA: D: Victoria will kill me! She’s totally going to kill me! TOTALLY.
JACOB: HI I’M BACK.
BELLA: FUCKSHIT.
JACOB: Why are you scared? I’ll protect you! :D
BELLA: Right. Where did you go?
JACOB: It’s a secret, but I’ll tell you. We wolves can hear each other’s thoughts! Like, all the time. It’s embarrassing. And let me tell you, Sam? Dirty man.
BELLA: Right. Well Edward could read minds too, except mine, so this doesn’t bother me.
JACOB: Oh, that’s not just a myth? Anyway, I turned into a wolf but tried not to think about you because Sam is the Alpha and would have been all “no u cant take bella, lulz” and I can’t really disobey him. Alpha thing.
BELLA: Creepy.
JACOB: A bit. Anyway, turning into a wolf TOTALLY sucked, but the voices in my head said it would be okay! Poor Sam turned by himself though so that must have sucked for him.
BELLA: I feel nicer to Sam now!
JACOB: Anyway, the pack won’t be happy about you, but you’ve got some insider information because you were Edward’s squeeze. Oh sorry you don’t like to hear his name.
BELLA: No, just his voice in my head when I’m being stupid.
JACOB: What?
BELLA: Nothing. Oh Jacob, it’s like you can read my mind.
READERS: ... Okay then...
JACOB: So you’re STILL angsting over glitterboy?
BELLA: Can we not talk about the hole left in my heart? The wound is still fresh and I cry every night.
JACOB: That’s pretty pathetic. Oh, my posse is here! Don’t be scared, not like they can turn into giant wolves and eat you or anything.
BELLA: .... I goddamn hate you.
END OF CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: *was surprisingly boring* *wait, not surprising...*
Back to chapter one!