Eventually this book has a point. Sort of. Kind of.... maybe.
CHAPTER TWELVE
DARK SHAPE: O hi thar.
BELLA: OH FUCK YOU’RE ONE OF THE VAMPIRES OBSESSED WITH ME AREN’T YOU?
DARK SHAPE: Well I’m obsessed with you but not a vampire, if that helps.
BELLA: Oh, Jacob. I guess I’m dreaming.
JACOB: Can you let me in? I’m hanging off a tree like a dork.
BELLA: But you’re way out there...
JACOB: NINJA LEAP.
BELLA: WHAT THE HELL.
JACOB: How much ass do I kick, eh? Eh?
BELLA: You make me cry, GTFO. *push* Ow, your skin is hot!
JACOB: I came here to say sorry.
BELLA: I DON’T CARE. Maybe if you sparkled more I’d care enough to forgive you!
JACOB: What?
BELLA: *fainty fainty sobby face*
READERS: Oh for God’s sake, not again...
JACOB: Sorry, I just have to keep deep deep plot-drive secrets from you. You know what that’s like.
BELLA: What?
JACOB: YOU GUESS IT.
BELLA: ... What?
JACOB: My secret, guess it!
BELLA: What the hell.
JACOB: Remember when we hung out that one time in the first book at the beach and talked about your precious sparkly boyfriend?
BELLA: Yeah, something about that. Uhm. Maybe. You told me a lot of stories.
READERS WHO REMEMBER THE SCENE IN THE FIRST BOOK: ... He only told one...
JACOB: Yeah whatever, I bet you remember the sparkly part. Were you honestly so stupid you didn’t know your boyfriend was a vampire?
BELLA: ....
JACOB: I’M IN SO MUCH SECRETIVE PAIN.
BELLA: That makes me sad!
READERS: Oh for the love of God...
BELLA: Jacob, let’s run away together!
EDWARD/BELLA SHIPPERS: BITCHWHAT.
JACOB: No Bella, you don’t understand, I have to angst about this for the rest of my life... which will be very long... and full of angst. You should go to sleep, Bella, so you can be fully awake later and FINALLY figure it out. By the way I’m not supposed to see you and I snuck off to do so but I’ll tell the gang anyway.
BELLA: What?
JACOB: It isn’t safe to see you! But it’s okay if I thought it wasn’t safe I wouldn’t have come to see you.
LOGIC: Fuck this, I’m out of here.
JACOB: I promised to never hurt you, but then I hurt you earlier. Oops.
BELLA: No it’s cool.
JACOB: Well I’m going to go now, you hurry up and figure out what I am and come see me if you’re still into ~*~dangerous guys~*~.
BELLA: Do you sparkle?
JACOB: Er. No.
BELLA: ... Good night, Jacob.
JACOB: Okay. Well if you’re not into dangerous guys anymore, give me a call and let me know. *rib-crushing hug*
BELLA: OW FUCK WHAT THE HELL.
JACOB: Bye!
(later, Bella is dreaming, which is really an overdone way of revealing shit in these books)
STEPHENIE MEYER: I’m so original!
(sure you are)
DREAM!JACOB: Look, it’s the same dream from the first book!
BELLA: OHSHIT.
DREAM!JACOB: *rar*
BELLA: ... Well that’s not right.
(Bella wakes up and screams like an annoying wimpy Mary Sue scaredy pants)
BELLA: EDWARD WHY ISN’T THIS BOOK ABOUT YOU. *sob sob*
BELLA: ... Wait, Jacob is a werewolf?
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: OMG THAT IS SO SHOCKING AND I NEVER WOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING IN A MILLION YEARS.
BELLA: Werewolves? That is far too unbelievable! There’s no way those exist! I mean sure glittering stalking vampires are pretty much good by my standards, but werewolves? I mean Edward being more than human makes sense because he’s a godlike adonis pretty beautiful perfect handsome manly man man, but Jacob’s just my friend. What the hell. MY LIFE SUCKS SO MUCH. I’m going to see Jacob!
CHARLIE: Uh hi, good... early... morning.
BELLA: LEAVING NOW.
CHARLIE: Careful, those giant wolves are out again and have been seen. We’re going to shoot them.
BELLA: D:
CHARLIE: What? What’s wrong, hippie?
BELLA: Are you going to go after them? OMG YOU CAN’T.
CHARLIE: Quit freaking out and go, geez.
BELLA: Well no, it’s too early, I’m going to go angst about Jacob being a monster that kills things, which I never once seemed to take issue about with Edward because he’s prettier.
CHARLIE: That’s a good idea.
BELLA: AAAAANGST.
END OF CHAPTER TWELVE, DEAR GOD THAT TOOK ME FOREVER AND WAS BORING AS SHIT
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: Jacob isn’t as pretty as Edward so we don’t like him! BOO!
Back to chapter one!
DARK SHAPE: O hi thar.
BELLA: OH FUCK YOU’RE ONE OF THE VAMPIRES OBSESSED WITH ME AREN’T YOU?
DARK SHAPE: Well I’m obsessed with you but not a vampire, if that helps.
BELLA: Oh, Jacob. I guess I’m dreaming.
JACOB: Can you let me in? I’m hanging off a tree like a dork.
BELLA: But you’re way out there...
JACOB: NINJA LEAP.
BELLA: WHAT THE HELL.
JACOB: How much ass do I kick, eh? Eh?
BELLA: You make me cry, GTFO. *push* Ow, your skin is hot!
JACOB: I came here to say sorry.
BELLA: I DON’T CARE. Maybe if you sparkled more I’d care enough to forgive you!
JACOB: What?
BELLA: *fainty fainty sobby face*
READERS: Oh for God’s sake, not again...
JACOB: Sorry, I just have to keep deep deep plot-drive secrets from you. You know what that’s like.
BELLA: What?
JACOB: YOU GUESS IT.
BELLA: ... What?
JACOB: My secret, guess it!
BELLA: What the hell.
JACOB: Remember when we hung out that one time in the first book at the beach and talked about your precious sparkly boyfriend?
BELLA: Yeah, something about that. Uhm. Maybe. You told me a lot of stories.
READERS WHO REMEMBER THE SCENE IN THE FIRST BOOK: ... He only told one...
JACOB: Yeah whatever, I bet you remember the sparkly part. Were you honestly so stupid you didn’t know your boyfriend was a vampire?
BELLA: ....
JACOB: I’M IN SO MUCH SECRETIVE PAIN.
BELLA: That makes me sad!
READERS: Oh for the love of God...
BELLA: Jacob, let’s run away together!
EDWARD/BELLA SHIPPERS: BITCHWHAT.
JACOB: No Bella, you don’t understand, I have to angst about this for the rest of my life... which will be very long... and full of angst. You should go to sleep, Bella, so you can be fully awake later and FINALLY figure it out. By the way I’m not supposed to see you and I snuck off to do so but I’ll tell the gang anyway.
BELLA: What?
JACOB: It isn’t safe to see you! But it’s okay if I thought it wasn’t safe I wouldn’t have come to see you.
LOGIC: Fuck this, I’m out of here.
JACOB: I promised to never hurt you, but then I hurt you earlier. Oops.
BELLA: No it’s cool.
JACOB: Well I’m going to go now, you hurry up and figure out what I am and come see me if you’re still into ~*~dangerous guys~*~.
BELLA: Do you sparkle?
JACOB: Er. No.
BELLA: ... Good night, Jacob.
JACOB: Okay. Well if you’re not into dangerous guys anymore, give me a call and let me know. *rib-crushing hug*
BELLA: OW FUCK WHAT THE HELL.
JACOB: Bye!
(later, Bella is dreaming, which is really an overdone way of revealing shit in these books)
STEPHENIE MEYER: I’m so original!
(sure you are)
DREAM!JACOB: Look, it’s the same dream from the first book!
BELLA: OHSHIT.
DREAM!JACOB: *rar*
BELLA: ... Well that’s not right.
(Bella wakes up and screams like an annoying wimpy Mary Sue scaredy pants)
BELLA: EDWARD WHY ISN’T THIS BOOK ABOUT YOU. *sob sob*
BELLA: ... Wait, Jacob is a werewolf?
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: OMG THAT IS SO SHOCKING AND I NEVER WOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING IN A MILLION YEARS.
BELLA: Werewolves? That is far too unbelievable! There’s no way those exist! I mean sure glittering stalking vampires are pretty much good by my standards, but werewolves? I mean Edward being more than human makes sense because he’s a godlike adonis pretty beautiful perfect handsome manly man man, but Jacob’s just my friend. What the hell. MY LIFE SUCKS SO MUCH. I’m going to see Jacob!
CHARLIE: Uh hi, good... early... morning.
BELLA: LEAVING NOW.
CHARLIE: Careful, those giant wolves are out again and have been seen. We’re going to shoot them.
BELLA: D:
CHARLIE: What? What’s wrong, hippie?
BELLA: Are you going to go after them? OMG YOU CAN’T.
CHARLIE: Quit freaking out and go, geez.
BELLA: Well no, it’s too early, I’m going to go angst about Jacob being a monster that kills things, which I never once seemed to take issue about with Edward because he’s prettier.
CHARLIE: That’s a good idea.
BELLA: AAAAANGST.
END OF CHAPTER TWELVE, DEAR GOD THAT TOOK ME FOREVER AND WAS BORING AS SHIT
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: Jacob isn’t as pretty as Edward so we don’t like him! BOO!
Back to chapter one!