too close

Dec 06, 2005 22:07

i spend all this time trying to prove to myself that there is no god, but something was there today. something kept that telephone pole from killing me and i think i need to have a little more faith. i need dan but i'm not going to be selfish, he needs me too and i'll just be there...for anything and everything. i look like a platapuss and i have my interview with southern tomorrow, but it could be so much worse, i could be dead and never make it to my interview or college. for a moment i wished i was, i feel terrible, but i do believe that it's for the better that i am not. not to mention there must be a reason. dan thinks it's because he prayed for me last night, i love him and his praying. i think it has something to do with him. all i wanted to know was that i meant something to my old best friends. and today all i thought of was, wow if i died would they have even bothered to go to my funeral? but you know what, i shouldn't waste my time thinking about that when i'm sure they wouldn't bat an eyelash for me. what matters is the friends i have came through and i'm so happy to have them. i don't know what i would do without tal...god i don't even want to think about it. i'm such a wimp but i'm still all shook up, i think that was my first real real near death experience, and all i got was a swollen shrek-like face which will heal. i'm not sure what to think, sure i think i'm an idiot, but besides that, all i know is we have one less car for now, and there is one less telephone poll in the town of milford, and i'm scared to get in a car tomorrow.i feel like i am going to ruin my familys christmas...but i guess we'll see how things work out.  i miss daniel to death, night night.
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