Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 1/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 03:21:55 UTC
I've been kicking this around for a while without much luck. My original plan was to have one more scene after what I'm going to C&P below, but now I'm kind of thinking that with a little rearranging, what I have now might be sufficient and actually better in the long run. I'm feeling a bit lost. This isn't really my kink and so I'm not sure if I'm already getting repetetive or if I'd be okay to go another round
( ... )
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 2/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 03:23:01 UTC
"You enjoyed it, you pervert," Sherlock says, with absolute conviction. "You were half-hard in your trousers before I even finished. You didn’t even wash up after. I listened outside the bathroom door. Running the tap might have been sufficient to fool Mummy, but it isn't enough to fool me." He clucked in disgust. "Your sheets must reek of it
( ... )
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 3/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 03:24:01 UTC
That Sherlock has never had anyone's mouth on his cock is obvious. Mycroft had known it long before he ever set foot in the garden. His thighs are quivering in Mycroft's hands, his hips jerking unevenly against Mycroft's face. He gags slightly when Sherlock bumps the back of his throat, before managing to relax his throat and tighten his grip. Sherlock will be wearing bruises under his trousers tomorrow, their parents none the wiser, but that’s the least of Mycroft's concerns
( ... )
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 03:24:31 UTC
He’s trembling with the force it takes to hold the rest of it back as Mycroft thumbs gently over his slit, back and forth with a methodical, unrelenting slowness. It must be maddening, but Sherlock doesn’t say a word as his head drops back against Mycroft's chest. His eyes are closed, his lower lip wet with the touch of his tongue as Mycroft continues to tease him, letting his nail catch ever so slightly
( ... )
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 03:43:11 UTC
Just give me a sec to get past wowowowowowowowwwwwwwwwyesyesyes.
This is fantastic. It's not at all repetitive, and I reckon, even though it's brilliant as is, if you wanted to add another scene to tie things up you could without fear of repeating yourself.
Your SPaG is impeccable, too, as are your voices for the Holmes boys.
For a kink that isn't yours, you've absolutely nailed all of mine. Mmmmm. Delicious.
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 05:32:43 UTC
na
say, 'You started it'.
Double-check punctuation and style. Single vs double quote, placement of full stop, comma before quote -- all ding my little bell, but any/all could be just what you wanted to do, so.
he hates to be found predictable even more than he hates to be ignored.
I presume "he" is S here. I'm a little confused as to what has been found predictable. S is aroused? S has been aroused? Perhaps the word "predictable" isn't quite the one for the job. "Transparent"? "Obvious"? Something along those lines? I love the word "placket" and everyone should use it always.
Impulse breeds suspicion
Sounds good, but I'm not clear on what it literally means.
nearly thirty seconds
Why so long? And why does it matter to M? Along those lines, a dozen pages seems like a long time to pretend to read when S has only got a couple of sentences into his performance.
Enough of him is submerged to keep it from being a wasted exercise.Wouldn't M be used to this situation? Why would a bath be remarked on as a potentially wasted
( ... )
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 13:20:36 UTC
nayrt
Why so long? And why does it matter to M?
In defence of "30 seconds", I found it pretty clear that Sherlock was so shaken and undone that he fumbled around a lot. And of course Mycroft would take note of that, these brothers relish in throwing each other off.
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 15:55:11 UTC
OP
Hahaha, I love you for picking up on my tendency to be absurdly cliché and attempt to be ~snappy instead of clear. It's a weakness of mine, I admit. As another anon noted, Mycroft points out that it's been thirty seconds because he's trying to highlight how dazed Sherlock is by the situation.
Also a little puzzled by jerking while peeing. Doesn't that play holy hell with aim? Can't quite visualize it.This is the point at which it becomes very obvious that I do not have a penis. You know, I just never thought about it. Maybe Mycroft is so careful and measured in his strokes that he keeps Sherlock steady enough? Or maybe I just missed out on the wealth of opportunity to describe him erratically splashing everywhere. THIS WILL NEED MORE OF MY ATTENTION, I CAN TELL
( ... )
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 27 2012, 08:42:30 UTC
Fumble-fingers makes sense.
I think it's clear that S wants the play, too. His abruptness is a little weird, but I just read that as a particular take on the character as an adolescent.
Bad aim could be lovely, if that's what one wants. ;-) Or some other thing. The question merely came to mind.
No major cliche fails -- there were a couple of common phrases that are somewhat cliched, but they just barely made my red pen fingers twitch.
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 16:00:33 UTC
OP
There may very well be more of it! I'll definitely need to do some rewriting and I do have a third scene planned to round things out.
This actually started as a fill for this prompt (http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/19743.html?thread=118878239&#t118878239) but I've kind of wandered off-prompt and I don't know how the OP is going to feel about that, but I think I may still leave a comment for them as a RTYI/inspired by link to this fic posted elsewhere.
And I appreciate you telling me you like it. That's always good to know. :D
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 1/?goseawardAugust 26 2012, 23:02:30 UTC
I found this pretty hot and I'm really not into the kink you're writing, so cheers there. A few comments:
- If Sherlock really is 14 you really really need an underage warning on this.
- He leans against the door frame and observes the Sherlock-shaped lump huddled beneath his brother's blankets. Something about the way you phrased this made it seem like "Sherlock" and "his brother" are two different people. If "his" is too ambiguous re Sherlock or Mycroft, you could just say "the blankets."
- As far as the ending goes, I do think you need to either add another scene or rework the final scene so it has some more emotional closure to it. Basically that kind of scene ending can go two ways--it can feel like a tease, so you know that things are going to happen beyond the end of the story but this is as much as you'll get, or it can feel like a promise of what the next scene will be. As it stands, it feels like a promise.
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 1/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 23:11:12 UTC
OP
Yeah, don't worry, I always warn properly when it comes time to post for real. :)
I agree. I would never post this as-is because, as it stands, it just isn't complete. There's a beginning, there's a middle, and no end---my plan is either to add another scene or to do some creative shuffling/rewriting. Haven't decided, yet, though.
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This is fantastic. It's not at all repetitive, and I reckon, even though it's brilliant as is, if you wanted to add another scene to tie things up you could without fear of repeating yourself.
Your SPaG is impeccable, too, as are your voices for the Holmes boys.
For a kink that isn't yours, you've absolutely nailed all of mine. Mmmmm. Delicious.
Reply
Thank you very much! I'm glad to hear it worked for you. Writing new kinks always makes me a bit flustered.
Reply
say, 'You started it'.
Double-check punctuation and style. Single vs double quote, placement of full stop, comma before quote -- all ding my little bell, but any/all could be just what you wanted to do, so.
he hates to be found predictable even more than he hates to be ignored.
I presume "he" is S here. I'm a little confused as to what has been found predictable. S is aroused? S has been aroused? Perhaps the word "predictable" isn't quite the one for the job. "Transparent"? "Obvious"? Something along those lines? I love the word "placket" and everyone should use it always.
Impulse breeds suspicion
Sounds good, but I'm not clear on what it literally means.
nearly thirty seconds
Why so long? And why does it matter to M? Along those lines, a dozen pages seems like a long time to pretend to read when S has only got a couple of sentences into his performance.
Enough of him is submerged to keep it from being a wasted exercise.Wouldn't M be used to this situation? Why would a bath be remarked on as a potentially wasted ( ... )
Reply
Why so long? And why does it matter to M?
In defence of "30 seconds", I found it pretty clear that Sherlock was so shaken and undone that he fumbled around a lot. And of course Mycroft would take note of that, these brothers relish in throwing each other off.
Reply
That's how I meant it to be read, yes. Mycroft is definitely keeping score here.
Reply
That makes sense.
To be fair to AA, a lot of the above was not reviewed after taking initial notes.
Reply
Hahaha, I love you for picking up on my tendency to be absurdly cliché and attempt to be ~snappy instead of clear. It's a weakness of mine, I admit. As another anon noted, Mycroft points out that it's been thirty seconds because he's trying to highlight how dazed Sherlock is by the situation.
Also a little puzzled by jerking while peeing. Doesn't that play holy hell with aim? Can't quite visualize it.This is the point at which it becomes very obvious that I do not have a penis. You know, I just never thought about it. Maybe Mycroft is so careful and measured in his strokes that he keeps Sherlock steady enough? Or maybe I just missed out on the wealth of opportunity to describe him erratically splashing everywhere. THIS WILL NEED MORE OF MY ATTENTION, I CAN TELL ( ... )
Reply
I think it's clear that S wants the play, too. His abruptness is a little weird, but I just read that as a particular take on the character as an adolescent.
Bad aim could be lovely, if that's what one wants. ;-) Or some other thing. The question merely came to mind.
No major cliche fails -- there were a couple of common phrases that are somewhat cliched, but they just barely made my red pen fingers twitch.
Snappy is good! It's always a balancing act.
Reply
Um, this is so my kink and you nailed it. Don't usually read much S/M but this was excellent. Great character voices and generally good writing.
There's going to be more of this right? (It'd be good ended where it is but I'd love more)
Not sure if this really counts as concrit but wanted to tell you how much I liked it.
Is this going to be posted at the meme? And if so could I have a link to the prompt so I can follow it?
Reply
There may very well be more of it! I'll definitely need to do some rewriting and I do have a third scene planned to round things out.
This actually started as a fill for this prompt (http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/19743.html?thread=118878239&#t118878239) but I've kind of wandered off-prompt and I don't know how the OP is going to feel about that, but I think I may still leave a comment for them as a RTYI/inspired by link to this fic posted elsewhere.
And I appreciate you telling me you like it. That's always good to know. :D
Reply
- If Sherlock really is 14 you really really need an underage warning on this.
- He leans against the door frame and observes the Sherlock-shaped lump huddled beneath his brother's blankets. Something about the way you phrased this made it seem like "Sherlock" and "his brother" are two different people. If "his" is too ambiguous re Sherlock or Mycroft, you could just say "the blankets."
- As far as the ending goes, I do think you need to either add another scene or rework the final scene so it has some more emotional closure to it. Basically that kind of scene ending can go two ways--it can feel like a tease, so you know that things are going to happen beyond the end of the story but this is as much as you'll get, or it can feel like a promise of what the next scene will be. As it stands, it feels like a promise.
Good luck!
Reply
Yeah, don't worry, I always warn properly when it comes time to post for real. :)
I agree. I would never post this as-is because, as it stands, it just isn't complete. There's a beginning, there's a middle, and no end---my plan is either to add another scene or to do some creative shuffling/rewriting. Haven't decided, yet, though.
Thanks!
Reply
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