Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 03:24:31 UTC
He’s trembling with the force it takes to hold the rest of it back as Mycroft thumbs gently over his slit, back and forth with a methodical, unrelenting slowness. It must be maddening, but Sherlock doesn’t say a word as his head drops back against Mycroft's chest. His eyes are closed, his lower lip wet with the touch of his tongue as Mycroft continues to tease him, letting his nail catch ever so slightly.
The pressure proves to be too much.
Sherlock moans, cheeks suffused with red, and erupts all over Mycroft's hand. He jerks his brother's cock slowly as he pisses, until he's wrung the last drop out of him and Sherlock can only sag bonelessly in his arms. He could come like this, his erection nestled against Sherlock’s bare arse, watch it run down the backs of Sherlock's pale thighs. His cock throbs at the thought. But he won't, not yet.
Instead, he tucks Sherlock back into his pants, taking a moment to palm him and smiling at the damp circle where he'd leaked through them, and pulls up his trousers.
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 03:43:11 UTC
Just give me a sec to get past wowowowowowowowwwwwwwwwyesyesyes.
This is fantastic. It's not at all repetitive, and I reckon, even though it's brilliant as is, if you wanted to add another scene to tie things up you could without fear of repeating yourself.
Your SPaG is impeccable, too, as are your voices for the Holmes boys.
For a kink that isn't yours, you've absolutely nailed all of mine. Mmmmm. Delicious.
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 05:32:43 UTC
na
say, 'You started it'.
Double-check punctuation and style. Single vs double quote, placement of full stop, comma before quote -- all ding my little bell, but any/all could be just what you wanted to do, so.
he hates to be found predictable even more than he hates to be ignored.
I presume "he" is S here. I'm a little confused as to what has been found predictable. S is aroused? S has been aroused? Perhaps the word "predictable" isn't quite the one for the job. "Transparent"? "Obvious"? Something along those lines? I love the word "placket" and everyone should use it always.
Impulse breeds suspicion
Sounds good, but I'm not clear on what it literally means.
nearly thirty seconds
Why so long? And why does it matter to M? Along those lines, a dozen pages seems like a long time to pretend to read when S has only got a couple of sentences into his performance.
Enough of him is submerged to keep it from being a wasted exercise.
Wouldn't M be used to this situation? Why would a bath be remarked on as a potentially wasted exercise?
No one else could be so infuriating without words.
Well, they could pound on the door ...
the infernal racket
phrase is a bit of a cliche
He hasn't quite ruled out either.
Seems superfluous. Clearly he hasn't ruled either out, or he wouldn't wonder.
"Please, Mycroft, I've already leaked a little."
You dreadful tease. "Oh, all right then. I'll only be a moment."
hnnnngggggh. Oh, sorry, back to the criticism.
Sherlock moans, cheeks suffused with red, and erupts all over Mycroft's hand. He jerks his brother's cock slowly as he pisses, until he's wrung the last drop out of him and Sherlock can only sag bonelessly in his arms.
Who jerks whose penis? Takes a bit long to become clear. Do people sag bonelessly (mild cliche alert) after they've peed? Also a little puzzled by jerking while peeing. Doesn't that play holy hell with aim? Can't quite visualize it.
Perfectly good place to end it, but yes, as anon above noted, another scene might round it out a bit.
Very to-the-point. Snappy phrasing might occasionally be taking priority over clarity of action. <3 characterization. I don't quite get the reasoning behind S's behavior, but the characters are distinct and believable. Also: hot.
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 13:20:36 UTC
nayrt
Why so long? And why does it matter to M?
In defence of "30 seconds", I found it pretty clear that Sherlock was so shaken and undone that he fumbled around a lot. And of course Mycroft would take note of that, these brothers relish in throwing each other off.
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 15:55:11 UTC
OP
Hahaha, I love you for picking up on my tendency to be absurdly cliché and attempt to be ~snappy instead of clear. It's a weakness of mine, I admit. As another anon noted, Mycroft points out that it's been thirty seconds because he's trying to highlight how dazed Sherlock is by the situation.
Also a little puzzled by jerking while peeing. Doesn't that play holy hell with aim? Can't quite visualize it.
This is the point at which it becomes very obvious that I do not have a penis. You know, I just never thought about it. Maybe Mycroft is so careful and measured in his strokes that he keeps Sherlock steady enough? Or maybe I just missed out on the wealth of opportunity to describe him erratically splashing everywhere. THIS WILL NEED MORE OF MY ATTENTION, I CAN TELL.
Thank you very much for taking the time to look at this. I was worried that Sherlock's behavior might be weird and opaque, which is part of the reason why I think this needs to be rounded out with a third scene, because all I have right now are weird clues that no one at all would pick up unless they knew what I was thinking, LOL.
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 27 2012, 08:42:30 UTC
Fumble-fingers makes sense.
I think it's clear that S wants the play, too. His abruptness is a little weird, but I just read that as a particular take on the character as an adolescent.
Bad aim could be lovely, if that's what one wants. ;-) Or some other thing. The question merely came to mind.
No major cliche fails -- there were a couple of common phrases that are somewhat cliched, but they just barely made my red pen fingers twitch.
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 16:00:33 UTC
OP
There may very well be more of it! I'll definitely need to do some rewriting and I do have a third scene planned to round things out.
This actually started as a fill for this prompt (http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/19743.html?thread=118878239&#t118878239) but I've kind of wandered off-prompt and I don't know how the OP is going to feel about that, but I think I may still leave a comment for them as a RTYI/inspired by link to this fic posted elsewhere.
And I appreciate you telling me you like it. That's always good to know. :D
The pressure proves to be too much.
Sherlock moans, cheeks suffused with red, and erupts all over Mycroft's hand. He jerks his brother's cock slowly as he pisses, until he's wrung the last drop out of him and Sherlock can only sag bonelessly in his arms. He could come like this, his erection nestled against Sherlock’s bare arse, watch it run down the backs of Sherlock's pale thighs. His cock throbs at the thought. But he won't, not yet.
Instead, he tucks Sherlock back into his pants, taking a moment to palm him and smiling at the damp circle where he'd leaked through them, and pulls up his trousers.
"Go on, now. I’ll be finished soon."
The anticipation is his favorite part.
***
Reply
This is fantastic. It's not at all repetitive, and I reckon, even though it's brilliant as is, if you wanted to add another scene to tie things up you could without fear of repeating yourself.
Your SPaG is impeccable, too, as are your voices for the Holmes boys.
For a kink that isn't yours, you've absolutely nailed all of mine. Mmmmm. Delicious.
Reply
Thank you very much! I'm glad to hear it worked for you. Writing new kinks always makes me a bit flustered.
Reply
say, 'You started it'.
Double-check punctuation and style. Single vs double quote, placement of full stop, comma before quote -- all ding my little bell, but any/all could be just what you wanted to do, so.
he hates to be found predictable even more than he hates to be ignored.
I presume "he" is S here. I'm a little confused as to what has been found predictable. S is aroused? S has been aroused? Perhaps the word "predictable" isn't quite the one for the job. "Transparent"? "Obvious"? Something along those lines? I love the word "placket" and everyone should use it always.
Impulse breeds suspicion
Sounds good, but I'm not clear on what it literally means.
nearly thirty seconds
Why so long? And why does it matter to M? Along those lines, a dozen pages seems like a long time to pretend to read when S has only got a couple of sentences into his performance.
Enough of him is submerged to keep it from being a wasted exercise.
Wouldn't M be used to this situation? Why would a bath be remarked on as a potentially wasted exercise?
No one else could be so infuriating without words.
Well, they could pound on the door ...
the infernal racket
phrase is a bit of a cliche
He hasn't quite ruled out either.
Seems superfluous. Clearly he hasn't ruled either out, or he wouldn't wonder.
"Please, Mycroft, I've already leaked a little."
You dreadful tease. "Oh, all right then. I'll only be a moment."
hnnnngggggh. Oh, sorry, back to the criticism.
Sherlock moans, cheeks suffused with red, and erupts all over Mycroft's hand. He jerks his brother's cock slowly as he pisses, until he's wrung the last drop out of him and Sherlock can only sag bonelessly in his arms.
Who jerks whose penis? Takes a bit long to become clear. Do people sag bonelessly (mild cliche alert) after they've peed? Also a little puzzled by jerking while peeing. Doesn't that play holy hell with aim? Can't quite visualize it.
Perfectly good place to end it, but yes, as anon above noted, another scene might round it out a bit.
Very to-the-point. Snappy phrasing might occasionally be taking priority over clarity of action. <3 characterization. I don't quite get the reasoning behind S's behavior, but the characters are distinct and believable. Also: hot.
Reply
Why so long? And why does it matter to M?
In defence of "30 seconds", I found it pretty clear that Sherlock was so shaken and undone that he fumbled around a lot. And of course Mycroft would take note of that, these brothers relish in throwing each other off.
Reply
That's how I meant it to be read, yes. Mycroft is definitely keeping score here.
Reply
That makes sense.
To be fair to AA, a lot of the above was not reviewed after taking initial notes.
Reply
Hahaha, I love you for picking up on my tendency to be absurdly cliché and attempt to be ~snappy instead of clear. It's a weakness of mine, I admit. As another anon noted, Mycroft points out that it's been thirty seconds because he's trying to highlight how dazed Sherlock is by the situation.
Also a little puzzled by jerking while peeing. Doesn't that play holy hell with aim? Can't quite visualize it.
This is the point at which it becomes very obvious that I do not have a penis. You know, I just never thought about it. Maybe Mycroft is so careful and measured in his strokes that he keeps Sherlock steady enough? Or maybe I just missed out on the wealth of opportunity to describe him erratically splashing everywhere. THIS WILL NEED MORE OF MY ATTENTION, I CAN TELL.
Thank you very much for taking the time to look at this. I was worried that Sherlock's behavior might be weird and opaque, which is part of the reason why I think this needs to be rounded out with a third scene, because all I have right now are weird clues that no one at all would pick up unless they knew what I was thinking, LOL.
Reply
I think it's clear that S wants the play, too. His abruptness is a little weird, but I just read that as a particular take on the character as an adolescent.
Bad aim could be lovely, if that's what one wants. ;-) Or some other thing. The question merely came to mind.
No major cliche fails -- there were a couple of common phrases that are somewhat cliched, but they just barely made my red pen fingers twitch.
Snappy is good! It's always a balancing act.
Reply
Um, this is so my kink and you nailed it. Don't usually read much S/M but this was excellent. Great character voices and generally good writing.
There's going to be more of this right? (It'd be good ended where it is but I'd love more)
Not sure if this really counts as concrit but wanted to tell you how much I liked it.
Is this going to be posted at the meme? And if so could I have a link to the prompt so I can follow it?
Reply
There may very well be more of it! I'll definitely need to do some rewriting and I do have a third scene planned to round things out.
This actually started as a fill for this prompt (http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/19743.html?thread=118878239&#t118878239) but I've kind of wandered off-prompt and I don't know how the OP is going to feel about that, but I think I may still leave a comment for them as a RTYI/inspired by link to this fic posted elsewhere.
And I appreciate you telling me you like it. That's always good to know. :D
Reply
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