(no subject)
I'm so tired of wanting. Of wishing and dreaming and longing for this one thing that has burned inside of me since I was 14, yet being terrified to actually achieve it. I've tried so many times. Put myself in hospitals, treatment facilities, almost killed myself in the effort to finally have it, and it's still not mine. Every single day I have to make the choice if I'm going to keep this current state of "health" that I'm in, or if I am going to chase after it again. So far I've chosen to open my fridge, take out food, chew, swallow, keep it down. Repeat 3x a day at minimum. I'm too scared not to. Bone-deep terrified that I am going to destroy my family, my marriage, my entire life if I go after what I really want. It feels like I'm just pretending, like some fucking imposter is in my place because this is not me, this is not what I am supposed to look like. I cannot make myself accept what stares back at me from the mirror. I cannot match my reflection to what I feel like inside my head. I've tried, God help me, I have tried. I feel so divorced from my physical self that it's almost like staring at a stranger. It's fucking horrible, and only getting worse.
My brain keeps rewinding itself, torturing me with memories of what it felt like when I was 18. When I was so, so close to what I was supposed to be. The inner and the outer almost matched, it was right there, within reach. And I was glorious. I was everything I ever wanted to be, but nothing I can be now. I want my husband, my children. But I want my disorder too, and I am in some kind of mad scramble to try and fit those things together, but I know it's not possible.
What is wrong with me that I want this so much? Why am I like this? It's pathetic and disgusting and weak and I can't fucking stand that I'm almost 25 years old and still struggling with the desire to starve myself down to 80 lbs. I hate it. I hate it so much.
I really feel so stupid for struggling so much with this. I know no one wants to hear all this fucking idiocy. I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore.