(no subject)
Still very sick. I'm considering going to the doctor but I keep putting it off. I don't want to move from the bed long enough to actually get to the office. Taking care of 2 children while wanting to rip my own head off is proving challenging. Can't wait until I start feeling better.
I dreamed about my ex last night. Why? I don't understand why it's been 5 years and I still dream about him at least once a week. It's never good dreams either. Last night he was drowning in the ocean and I was screaming and trying to reach him but every time I managed to grab his hand it burned like fire and I had to let go. I don't know what it means. It's been 5 years and I still dream about him, I still see his face out the corner of my eye on a busy street or the back of his head in a crowd like a ghost. It feels like a curse or something. Like something I left unfinished. I don't love him anymore, I didn't even like him at the end. But he still won't leave me alone, all these years later. It grates at me.
I haven't been eating, it hurts too much to swallow. But the emptiness in my stomach feels like an old friend. I love it and love it and love it so much that I feel like I could just close my eyes and be back to my 18th year, when I was small and hovering on the edges of my life. When my hair was thin and pulled out between my fingers and my eyes were dark and as sharp as the juts of bone on my body that I could run my hands over and read like braille. I was starving for so much more than just the food I refused to give myself. I was so violently alive then, on fire with my hunger and all my silent rage. I miss it in the worst way. I know I can never, ever have it back because it will destroy everything I have built in it's absence, everything that I love. But I miss how it felt to be so close to perfect. So very, very near to everything I thought I was supposed to be.
I don't feel like myself lately. The world feels tilted, just a little off, sending me stumbling around like a drunk. I'm going back to bed, maybe this sickness is taking more out of me than I thought.