Relationship Musings
This particular post has been floating in my mind for quite a while now, with the intention of starting it never quite making it to fruition. But today it seems that my schedule has cleared up significantly, so I will try my best to get my feelings on this subject down in writing.
My relationship with Andy has been...predictable, safe, and comforting. I guess those are adequate words to use. They don't completely encompass everything, but I am trying my best. Working at CTY together we got to know each other very well. I admit that I do not make connections or feel comfortable with other people that easily. However, Andy was just one of those people who I felt connected to right away. We were able to talk together about pretty much everything, and I never felt that awkward pressure to come up with clever things to say that I often feel with other people. Mind you, there were no romantic feelings whatsoever when we first met, nor was there any semblance of anything more than friendship for years. I can pin point the exact moment it happened though. We were at a party in one of the dorms, away from the students for a night, enjoying some drinks and adult company. We were playing some type of drinking game, and I could tell by his actions that he had feelings towards me. Now my first reaction, which I have in most cases when any guy tries to make a move on me, is to get as far away as possible. I had never thought of Andy in that way before, so over the next week or so I kept trying to see if I could view him differently, and I admit that slight feelings emerged. I kept imagining what it would be like to kiss him, what type of boyfriend he would make, and how our relationship would change if we did start dating. But I figured these thoughts were fleeting, and would disappear once we left for the summer and did not see each other on a daily basis.
After CTY that summer my family and I went on vacation to Cape Cod, and while I had a wonderful time I couldn't get him out of my mind. I kept texting him and he was wonderful with returning my texts in a way that always made me feel acknowledged and yearning for more. Eventually I decided to take the plunge and see if he did in fact share similar feelings, and I told him via text what I was feeling. It turns out that he shared those feelings, and we talked about setting a date for us to explore what our new relationship could be. I'll admit, the first date was very similar to the other times we would spend together, but with a slight twinge of awkwardness in the air. I discovered that I was the first girl he had ever gone on a date with, and of course we shared a lot of firsts since that first date.
Since that time we have been in a long distance relationship with each other, and the way hasn't always been smooth. We are both stubborn people, in different ways mind you, and that has led to many heated arguments between us. I sometimes hate the way he has to turn everything into a competition, and his reluctance to show emotions and express himself is something I wish he would work on. We also need to work on our passion, and showing each other physically how we feel. And trust me, I know I have issues as well, but I am willing to work on them and try to be a less passive aggressive person. But overall, and despite of these issues, I feel that this is the first relationship where I'm both ready to settle down and start something serious, but where I'm complete unsure at the same time. And being away these past few months has both clarified and confused me as well. When I left we both agreed that we would treat this time apart as us being in an open relationship, where we could feel free to explore with others without condemnation from the other person. I had both hoped and dreaded that he would use this time to date other girls. Part of me knows that I am his first relationship, and it is very difficult to be sure of something and believe in it when you have nothing to compare it to. But part of me also feels territorial of him, and I want him to just be sure of his feelings regardless of what he has experienced in the past. But I have to accept that his actions and feelings are not under my control, and I can't spend time worrying about them. Instead, I need to focus on myself and how I feel so I can be prepared for my future.
When I first arrived in Malaysia I intentionally put a great deal of distance between us. I would send e-mail updates and I would try to chat occasionally, but I wanted to give both of us time and space to figure things out, and the 3,000 mile distance seemed to be the perfect opportunity to do so. I'll admit, during the first few months it was very easy to not think about him or our relationship. I was in a new place with new people, and had my own culture shock to deal with and sort through, as well as my new role as a teacher. Even though we agreed to be in an open relationship, I didn't experience the same type of connection I felt with him with anyone else. I've been in enough relationships to know that you can't force something with anyone just because you happen to be in close proximity to them for a few months. Either the connection is there or it isn't, and I am perfectly content to spend this time concentrating on myself and not others. However, I began to think that maybe it was too easy to put Andy out of my mind, and maybe that was a sign that things between us weren't meant to be. After all, when you're in a relationship with someone isn't it a requirement to feel a need to be with them when you're away? I'm not sure where I initially got this belief, but I can't help but feel that it might be somewhat faulty thinking.
Nevertheless, after some time Andy started to slowly make his way back into my thoughts. When I began to get homesick I felt an intense need to talk to him and feel connected to him again. Whenever I had questions I began to seek out his advice and wanted to discuss things I was experiencing with him. And the first time we were able to videochat after two months I was so incredibly happy to see his face again. I know that I will continue to seek him out as long as he'll have me. So this is the impasse I find myself in, especially because I don't know how he is feeling about our separation or our future. I can usually read people, Andy included, pretty well when I'm near them. Having this great distance between us seemed to be a wonderful opportunity at first, but now it just seems to be creating a gaping hole inside me that I can't possibly fill until November when I am able to return home. I wish that money were less of a concern for my family and Andy, because if they were able to come and visit me in Malaysia that would be the highlight of my trip. I feel that I have this wonderful life I've created here in a few short months, and none of them will be able to experience it for themselves. And of course me and words aren't the best of friends, so I will never be able to capture the true essence of my life in Malaysia for them. But that is neither here not there, and wishing something does not make it true.
But I feel as though my future with Andy will remain undetermined for some time now. We can discuss how we feel and what we want in the future all we want, but until I return in November and we are able to put words into actions, everything will be up in the air. I can see myself having a future with him. I can see us married with some very well read, although most likely socially awkward, children. We would fight over where to live. He would cook the meals and I would do the dishes. And overall I feel that we could have an amazing life together. While our relationship is not the one I imagined having in my mind, I feel that it is even better because it is real. I have to get over this idealistic picture of the perfect boyfriend that I have created in my mind and recognize that reality has the potential to be even better, if only I can embrace it. No Andy will never be the overly affectionate doting boyfriend that I have imagined, but do I really want that? I enjoy his aloofness and the fact that he doesn't just let me get my way all the time. The challenges he creates for me are unexpected and keep me on my toes, which is something that I did not anticipate enjoying, but it's one of the things I miss the most while I've been away.
So, as of now things are undecided and uncertain. But hopefully when I return in November we can begin to work towards something that both of us agree on. Whether that goal is a future together or apart, I hope that I am ready for whatever comes.
My relationship with Andy has been...predictable, safe, and comforting. I guess those are adequate words to use. They don't completely encompass everything, but I am trying my best. Working at CTY together we got to know each other very well. I admit that I do not make connections or feel comfortable with other people that easily. However, Andy was just one of those people who I felt connected to right away. We were able to talk together about pretty much everything, and I never felt that awkward pressure to come up with clever things to say that I often feel with other people. Mind you, there were no romantic feelings whatsoever when we first met, nor was there any semblance of anything more than friendship for years. I can pin point the exact moment it happened though. We were at a party in one of the dorms, away from the students for a night, enjoying some drinks and adult company. We were playing some type of drinking game, and I could tell by his actions that he had feelings towards me. Now my first reaction, which I have in most cases when any guy tries to make a move on me, is to get as far away as possible. I had never thought of Andy in that way before, so over the next week or so I kept trying to see if I could view him differently, and I admit that slight feelings emerged. I kept imagining what it would be like to kiss him, what type of boyfriend he would make, and how our relationship would change if we did start dating. But I figured these thoughts were fleeting, and would disappear once we left for the summer and did not see each other on a daily basis.
After CTY that summer my family and I went on vacation to Cape Cod, and while I had a wonderful time I couldn't get him out of my mind. I kept texting him and he was wonderful with returning my texts in a way that always made me feel acknowledged and yearning for more. Eventually I decided to take the plunge and see if he did in fact share similar feelings, and I told him via text what I was feeling. It turns out that he shared those feelings, and we talked about setting a date for us to explore what our new relationship could be. I'll admit, the first date was very similar to the other times we would spend together, but with a slight twinge of awkwardness in the air. I discovered that I was the first girl he had ever gone on a date with, and of course we shared a lot of firsts since that first date.
Since that time we have been in a long distance relationship with each other, and the way hasn't always been smooth. We are both stubborn people, in different ways mind you, and that has led to many heated arguments between us. I sometimes hate the way he has to turn everything into a competition, and his reluctance to show emotions and express himself is something I wish he would work on. We also need to work on our passion, and showing each other physically how we feel. And trust me, I know I have issues as well, but I am willing to work on them and try to be a less passive aggressive person. But overall, and despite of these issues, I feel that this is the first relationship where I'm both ready to settle down and start something serious, but where I'm complete unsure at the same time. And being away these past few months has both clarified and confused me as well. When I left we both agreed that we would treat this time apart as us being in an open relationship, where we could feel free to explore with others without condemnation from the other person. I had both hoped and dreaded that he would use this time to date other girls. Part of me knows that I am his first relationship, and it is very difficult to be sure of something and believe in it when you have nothing to compare it to. But part of me also feels territorial of him, and I want him to just be sure of his feelings regardless of what he has experienced in the past. But I have to accept that his actions and feelings are not under my control, and I can't spend time worrying about them. Instead, I need to focus on myself and how I feel so I can be prepared for my future.
When I first arrived in Malaysia I intentionally put a great deal of distance between us. I would send e-mail updates and I would try to chat occasionally, but I wanted to give both of us time and space to figure things out, and the 3,000 mile distance seemed to be the perfect opportunity to do so. I'll admit, during the first few months it was very easy to not think about him or our relationship. I was in a new place with new people, and had my own culture shock to deal with and sort through, as well as my new role as a teacher. Even though we agreed to be in an open relationship, I didn't experience the same type of connection I felt with him with anyone else. I've been in enough relationships to know that you can't force something with anyone just because you happen to be in close proximity to them for a few months. Either the connection is there or it isn't, and I am perfectly content to spend this time concentrating on myself and not others. However, I began to think that maybe it was too easy to put Andy out of my mind, and maybe that was a sign that things between us weren't meant to be. After all, when you're in a relationship with someone isn't it a requirement to feel a need to be with them when you're away? I'm not sure where I initially got this belief, but I can't help but feel that it might be somewhat faulty thinking.
Nevertheless, after some time Andy started to slowly make his way back into my thoughts. When I began to get homesick I felt an intense need to talk to him and feel connected to him again. Whenever I had questions I began to seek out his advice and wanted to discuss things I was experiencing with him. And the first time we were able to videochat after two months I was so incredibly happy to see his face again. I know that I will continue to seek him out as long as he'll have me. So this is the impasse I find myself in, especially because I don't know how he is feeling about our separation or our future. I can usually read people, Andy included, pretty well when I'm near them. Having this great distance between us seemed to be a wonderful opportunity at first, but now it just seems to be creating a gaping hole inside me that I can't possibly fill until November when I am able to return home. I wish that money were less of a concern for my family and Andy, because if they were able to come and visit me in Malaysia that would be the highlight of my trip. I feel that I have this wonderful life I've created here in a few short months, and none of them will be able to experience it for themselves. And of course me and words aren't the best of friends, so I will never be able to capture the true essence of my life in Malaysia for them. But that is neither here not there, and wishing something does not make it true.
But I feel as though my future with Andy will remain undetermined for some time now. We can discuss how we feel and what we want in the future all we want, but until I return in November and we are able to put words into actions, everything will be up in the air. I can see myself having a future with him. I can see us married with some very well read, although most likely socially awkward, children. We would fight over where to live. He would cook the meals and I would do the dishes. And overall I feel that we could have an amazing life together. While our relationship is not the one I imagined having in my mind, I feel that it is even better because it is real. I have to get over this idealistic picture of the perfect boyfriend that I have created in my mind and recognize that reality has the potential to be even better, if only I can embrace it. No Andy will never be the overly affectionate doting boyfriend that I have imagined, but do I really want that? I enjoy his aloofness and the fact that he doesn't just let me get my way all the time. The challenges he creates for me are unexpected and keep me on my toes, which is something that I did not anticipate enjoying, but it's one of the things I miss the most while I've been away.
So, as of now things are undecided and uncertain. But hopefully when I return in November we can begin to work towards something that both of us agree on. Whether that goal is a future together or apart, I hope that I am ready for whatever comes.