Control
I am so fucking frustrated right now. So, I start up this conversation with him, casual, how's the day, how's the life. Then the inevitable, 'well how are you". Hmm, do I be honest? Because last time I lied he was upset, and when I was honest he seemed supportive. Plus, if he had even taken one second to look at other things he would know things are not well.
So, I answer, honestly.
And then it goes back to that word...that one fucking word..control. Well, you know how to "control" this dont you? Wait, I thought I didnt have control over it, I thought it was a disease. I fought all along to say I had control, that I was choosing to do this. He agrees. Well, then yes, I want to do this, and I'll stop when I want. "oh but you cant stop". Well, so, I dont have control? Right?
This shit is what keeps me in my disease. I feel like Im in control, like Im choosing to do this, but if you said eat this, I wouldnt be able to or willing to. I have so much anxiety that literally cant control my leg from shaking until Im at the gym. cant control. Every professional in my life says I am not in control, or that I dont have a choice. I have fought that my entire life, and yet still they say, its a disease, you cant control it, but it can control you.
So, what the fuck am I suppose to say to you? If you think Im basically telling everyone in my life to fuck off, well lets get it out of the way.
To everyone in my life: FUCK YOU.
Well, Im still not eating today, and I'll still be at the gym, and these fresh wounds from after your nasty comments are still there. So obviously just getting that out didnt do shit.
So, to you especially, yes, this is a big FUCK YOU.
So, I answer, honestly.
And then it goes back to that word...that one fucking word..control. Well, you know how to "control" this dont you? Wait, I thought I didnt have control over it, I thought it was a disease. I fought all along to say I had control, that I was choosing to do this. He agrees. Well, then yes, I want to do this, and I'll stop when I want. "oh but you cant stop". Well, so, I dont have control? Right?
This shit is what keeps me in my disease. I feel like Im in control, like Im choosing to do this, but if you said eat this, I wouldnt be able to or willing to. I have so much anxiety that literally cant control my leg from shaking until Im at the gym. cant control. Every professional in my life says I am not in control, or that I dont have a choice. I have fought that my entire life, and yet still they say, its a disease, you cant control it, but it can control you.
So, what the fuck am I suppose to say to you? If you think Im basically telling everyone in my life to fuck off, well lets get it out of the way.
To everyone in my life: FUCK YOU.
Well, Im still not eating today, and I'll still be at the gym, and these fresh wounds from after your nasty comments are still there. So obviously just getting that out didnt do shit.
So, to you especially, yes, this is a big FUCK YOU.