fml
i couldnt think of a title. but it fits.
fml. cause thats how i feel it is, a big fuck up.
I swear like a sailor, its not going to change, no offense to your god or higher power.
Im tired of people, im tired of life, im tired of looking at myself in the mirror. I actually have been able to avoid them for two days. but i can still feel my skin and how im eternally stuck in this shithole of a body and yarnball of a brain that has more knots and twists and strands of impossible kinks that it will never unravel. thats not even how you spell that fucking word. now I'll have to look it up. thanks brain. oh, apparently that is the spelling..thanks online dictionary.
can one ravel? ive never heard that term.
im down that spiral again...and I could give a shit. so much that im not hiding it from anyone. now, lots of people dont ask, and i certainly dont call them and say "hey, im fucked for life" but im not hiding it. whats the point, either way people will be as they are.
then there is the one that thinks I can control this. Well, fuck you. Fuck all of you that tell me i know better. of course i know better, im not a fucking idiot, as you all keep reminding me. of my potential, of my brain, of my compassion. well, where did all that get me? dumped, broken, abandoned, laid off, isolated, fat, anxious, and writing this piece of shit on LJ at 2am.
Now I cant remember why I started this trainwreck of a note anyway.
right. because im mad at you, and you, and you, and you. your tough love has left me feeling rejected and like a piece of shit. i would never treat you like that, nor would i ever treat anyone who I KNOW has issues with abandonment/rejection like that. heartless.
im going to cut in a little bit, the knife is out. has to be on the right arm, the left one is too carved up, which i hate because its my opposite hand and the lines are never even OCD at its finest, taking a blade to your arm.
im so numb right now its unreal. I have never been so blank, so hollow in my life. It could be the pills. but i have no emotion. I need some nine inch nails, he always brings out something. most of the other songs bring out a reminder of what could have been but what I can never have. how did i get this fucked up? can a father leaving his daughter numerous times in her life do this? can an adult man putting his hands down your pants when you are 8 years old do this? can your boyfriend when you're 19 who does the same thing to you while you sleep as the guy who molested you do this? can a failed relationship of 6 years do this? or is all me? all of my lies and secrets and secret addictions. is it all my fault? thats how I feel. I was an adult when I picked these paths. I saw the fork, to lie and say I didnt see the end of the road would be stupid, i saw the shithole that was at the end of the ED road, I just didnt care, and honestly, I think I deserved the shithole, just as I do now. I trashed the lives of so many around me. I wish they would just go live their own little happy lives and forget I exist. I wish my mom only had 2 children instead of 3....i hurt her so much.
i am a piece of shit.
d.
fml. cause thats how i feel it is, a big fuck up.
I swear like a sailor, its not going to change, no offense to your god or higher power.
Im tired of people, im tired of life, im tired of looking at myself in the mirror. I actually have been able to avoid them for two days. but i can still feel my skin and how im eternally stuck in this shithole of a body and yarnball of a brain that has more knots and twists and strands of impossible kinks that it will never unravel. thats not even how you spell that fucking word. now I'll have to look it up. thanks brain. oh, apparently that is the spelling..thanks online dictionary.
can one ravel? ive never heard that term.
im down that spiral again...and I could give a shit. so much that im not hiding it from anyone. now, lots of people dont ask, and i certainly dont call them and say "hey, im fucked for life" but im not hiding it. whats the point, either way people will be as they are.
then there is the one that thinks I can control this. Well, fuck you. Fuck all of you that tell me i know better. of course i know better, im not a fucking idiot, as you all keep reminding me. of my potential, of my brain, of my compassion. well, where did all that get me? dumped, broken, abandoned, laid off, isolated, fat, anxious, and writing this piece of shit on LJ at 2am.
Now I cant remember why I started this trainwreck of a note anyway.
right. because im mad at you, and you, and you, and you. your tough love has left me feeling rejected and like a piece of shit. i would never treat you like that, nor would i ever treat anyone who I KNOW has issues with abandonment/rejection like that. heartless.
im going to cut in a little bit, the knife is out. has to be on the right arm, the left one is too carved up, which i hate because its my opposite hand and the lines are never even OCD at its finest, taking a blade to your arm.
im so numb right now its unreal. I have never been so blank, so hollow in my life. It could be the pills. but i have no emotion. I need some nine inch nails, he always brings out something. most of the other songs bring out a reminder of what could have been but what I can never have. how did i get this fucked up? can a father leaving his daughter numerous times in her life do this? can an adult man putting his hands down your pants when you are 8 years old do this? can your boyfriend when you're 19 who does the same thing to you while you sleep as the guy who molested you do this? can a failed relationship of 6 years do this? or is all me? all of my lies and secrets and secret addictions. is it all my fault? thats how I feel. I was an adult when I picked these paths. I saw the fork, to lie and say I didnt see the end of the road would be stupid, i saw the shithole that was at the end of the ED road, I just didnt care, and honestly, I think I deserved the shithole, just as I do now. I trashed the lives of so many around me. I wish they would just go live their own little happy lives and forget I exist. I wish my mom only had 2 children instead of 3....i hurt her so much.
i am a piece of shit.
d.