What the hell why do i feel this way.
Ok well i have shit on my chest i need to clear. today was an awsome day for the most part i got to know an amazing girl and i have been talking to her all day we have plans to hang out in two weeks at some hotel party and she said she wouldnt drink thats soo cool I by no means want to tell her what to do it all up to her but she said she would prefer us to be sober. I dont know thats got me feeling all happy and giddy but iv been think about an amazing friend of mine one that has saved my life a number of times and almost killed it maybe half as many. A person that was probley the closest thing i have ever had to a dad my entier life but it pains me to see what hes doing whith him self. He addicted much like i was i wish i could do anything to know hes ok i want to talk to him so bad but i dont know how to get a hold of him he lives in Flordia i dont know when hes coming up here i dont want it to be right away i have to get stronger with myself first but i really need to see him Jeff is probley the biggest influence on me in my life. Many people think he was the reason i started smoking crack but he wasent i got him to do it. everything went all wrong now im here living a happy life while hes still doing his drugs. i almost feel guilty like its my fault that hes on the path hes on now. JEFF Like i said was a father to me he showed me a side of him most people just dont get the fucking privlage to see it was amazing. Every day i wonder where that person went and if he will live to see tomarwo or if ill ever see him again. I mean shit i feel like i owe the world to this man he was my role mold and i know people say how much of a bad person he was and that he just got me in truble but i allowed that to go on too. I mean shit we just fucked each other over to be honest. i know he was a bad influence on me he encouraged and supported me doing things that were not safe and could have killed me but im past that all the mistakes people make i made a lot of them and now i want to change. I know Jeff will probley never change or never really relize what the true meaning of getting high and living life mean. I have my theroys of why he ended up the way he did with so much pain but thats not for me to get into on this thing. I wish i could just get a chance to see him and tel him that his "Little boy" is ok and hes doing well. He treated me like a son. i just miss the kid so much. I would do almost anything for him. I just want him to chage and be sober and succed so bad but i have no controll over it. I know someday i will hopfully get in contact with him and let him know. Jeff man if you ever read this know man that i love you like a brother and a father man and take care of yourself. You got a lot of hatters around here but just brush em off they dont know the reall you man stay safe man!