Autumn
Title: Autumn Running
Pairing: Sumgmin/Siwon
Rating: Pg it’s safe
Genre: Angst? Romance? Drama? Somewhere in there
Summary: Sequel to my previous fic Summer Slipping. Sungmin reflects on his and Siwon’s past relationship and the importance of second chances. Written for blackyenuhati because she would not leave me alone until I wrote it (I kid. I’m glad that you liked it enough to badger me into doing the sequel) Written from Sungmin’s POV.
a/n:The title has very little to do with the fic. Also writing in second person is still a bit weird for me, so please forgive any wrongly conjugated verbs. I am a native English speaker, which means I don’t always think about the proper tense when I am writing or speaking. Please forgive. Comments are love. I hope you like this…you know who you are.
You hated autumn. It was the worst season imaginable for you. The season when the leaves turned vibrant reds, oranges and purples; beautiful but sad.
When you stopped and actually thought about it that was what was wrong with the whole season. It was sad. Nature prepared for winter but people still foolishly tried to hold on to summer. Oh sure the farmers brought in the fall harvest, department stores went from stocking bright light fabrics to the more subdued colors of autumn, but these changes were inconsequential at best. People still flocked to the parks on the weekends, still did summer like activities like boating or swimming well into September even though the weather was growing colder.
You hated it. Summers for you were spent back in your home town, helping out at your parent’s beach shop and catching the waves.
Autumn meant the city and attending classes at the small arts university you enrolled in.
Autumn also marked the time of year that you had let him walk away forever. It had been five years now, but somehow during autumn your thoughts were turned towards him, and the life you maybe could have lived together. You wondered sometimes why you had refused his offer to come with him to the city only to end up here anyways. It wasn’t a comfortable thought, and you weren’t the sort of person to dwell, but still sometimes you wondered.
He’d flit across your mind every now and then. You would swear you could catch him lurking at the side of your peripheral vision, a man grown now but figure still familiar, but by the time you could turn your head he would be gone replaced by another cold gray city dweller. The city was full of them, anonymous people who meant nothing to you or to each other. You wondered if he was cold and gray now too, that boy you met five summers ago with the easy smile and bright eyes. The only boy you’d ever loved.
Here you would stop and laugh at yourself. Loved. It had been one summer, three short months, you were barely 17, but it was time enough back then to fall in love. It was a love you never really fell out of, not even when he left for good.
Part of you knew, like it did back then, that he was never coming back, and part of you still hoped, like it had so painfully back then, that he might still remember you: the surfer boy from the sleepy resort town he had loved one summer, and that he would return for you. You had it all worked out in your mind, he would come back from the city and the two of you would say “Screw the world, and screw convention” and then screw each other, find a quaint little house and settle down.
But autumn took those dreams from you. He had his place and you had yours, or so your 17 year old self had thought.
You realized now that the only place you had ever truly belonged was in his arms.
But you weren’t the type to dwell and you lived without regrets. What was done was done and could not be undone so might as well stop wishing for a second chance that would never come.
That’s what that first hateful autumn had taught you.
So now you lived in the city, having jumped on the chance of a scholarship for school, working in a small café near campus. Instead of pina coladas now you made mochaccinos, and frappaccinos, and americanos or whatever disgusting combination of coffee and cream the customers ordered. You could never stomach the bitter stuff. You preferred sweet.
But the job paid the rent on your humble flat, and the smell of the coffee was quite nice after awhile. It wasn’t the beach, but it wasn’t horrible. The owner of the café also let you play your guitar there on weekends, which was the main reason you kept the job.
It happened one Friday night in October. The café was packed with students from your university, the artsy type in their patterned bohemian clothes dyed dark for the season. You wore your bright pink sweater. Hey just because it was getting cold, did not mean you were going to dress like you were going to a funeral.
You were strumming your guitar, playing one of your own compositions, when he walked in through the door. It was only by chance (or was it fate?) that you looked up at that very moment. You caught his eyes and your e-string snapped in two.
You’re sure it was him. Those eyes, those eyebrows, that broad chest you used to lean against to watch the stars over the ocean. It was him.
Professionally mortified (what kind of guitarist breaks a string on stage?) and suddenly an emotional wreck (after all this time why now?) you apologized to the audience and excused yourself for a few moments to restring your guitar. Luckily you had another string in your guitar case in the back room.
You fled.
You told yourself you weren’t being a coward, but you ran anyways. Down the hall and to the left, right before you made it to the safety of the break room however a hand caught your arm.
He spun you around to face him. You couldn’t read his expression like you used to. You wondered what had happened in the last five years to erase the laugh lines from his face, and to make it pale and drawn like it was now. Serious. Manly. No longer the boy you once knew.
“Sungmin-ah” His voice was still warm, albeit a little deeper than you remembered. He seemed taller too. His hair was shorter. He looked older and you wondered if you had changed as much in his eyes as he had in yours.
“I thought it was you.” He continued. You considered denying it, to say he had made a mistake. But your heart was beating too rapidly in your throat and you just nodded dumbly unable to speak. Tears pricked at the corner of your eyes. You blinked trying to prevent them from falling. You would not be weak, not after so long.
He reached out a hand to cup your face, but you drew away. Afraid to let him touch you, afraid this wasn’t real.
He dropped his hand embarrassed and apologetic. “What-What are you doing here?” Was it your imagination or was there a tremor in his voice.
“I work here.” You replied, unable to look him in the face. You stared resolutely at the floor.
“I didn’t mean here here.” He said, again reaching out. He put two fingers under your chin and lifted your face to look at him, this time you didn’t pull away. “I meant like here, in the city. I thought you didn’t want to come here.”
What could you say to that? “I didn’t think I did either but things change Siwon-ssi” You cringed at how that sounded, haughty, indifferent, like you hadn’t ever known each other in the most intimate way.
He too seemed taken aback. He let go of your chin, and you immediately dropped your gaze to the floor. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, and you wanted to ask what he meant. Sorry for leaving you back then (even though you knew he didn’t have much of a choice) sorry for startling you just now? You wanted to ask, but found you weren’t quite brave enough.
In either case, you rationalized, it wasn’t solely his fault. So you muttered “It’s alright”.
There were a million other things you wanted to say to him; tell him you were sorry too, ask if he regretted how things turned out, ask him if he blamed you, tell him that you blamed yourself, ask him what he was doing with his life these days, if he had a girlfriend, boyfriend, any friends, but you just weren’t brave enough to face his answers yet.
“I’m sorry” You bowed politely. “But I need to get back on stage.”
His eyes widened. “Ye-yes of course” he stammered, letting go of your arm. “I’m a- I’m here meeting some friends” he said, although you never asked why he was here. “When are you done with work?”
When you hesitated a little too long in answering he went on. “I’ll wait for you. You can come-“ he swallowed thickly. “Come meet my friends, and we could…talk about things.” He said it as a statement, but you felt the unspoken question mark.
Not trusting your voice you nodded. Turning on your heel you pretended not to see the hurt look on his face when you walked into the break room.
You changed your string with practiced ease, glad of the concentration it took to retune your guitar. If it kept your mind of him it was a good thing. You wondered how you were going to finish your performance knowing he was watching. You decided that now would be a good time to make use of those acting classes you had taken freshman year, back when you thought that drama, instead of music, had been the way to go.
You worried that someone might notice your upset state, that it might somehow show in your voice, but you needn’t have. You finished your set with barely more than a thought. The only issue was the slight hiccup when your voice broke during the song that you had written for Siwon, and the way you were painfully aware of his eyes on you all night long. Before you knew it, it was time to pack up and let the next musician have the stage, a young pianist named Ryewook.
You packed your guitar away slowly, dreading the moment when you would have to walk back to his table, sit down and introduce yourself to his friends. You shook your head. You were being silly again. You had nothing to be ashamed of, you had done nothing wrong. You just wished your heart wasn’t beating so fast.
You walked over to his table and cleared your throat.
“Oh good.” He said. “These are the guys, Heechul, Kyuhyun, Hangeng, and I believe you already know Leeteuk?” Siwon gestured to the guys sitting around the table. You smiled because Leeteuk managed the café. Siwon introduced you to the others you didn’t know. “This is my friend Sungmin.”
Friend. The word didn’t hurt as much as you thought it might. You immediately took refuge in the safety of it. Friends, you could pretend that you were never anything more than friends. You breathed a sigh of relief, letting out the breath you hadn’t known you were holding.
The feminine man introduced as Heechul eyed you suspiciously. Turning to Siwon he said. “Friend Wonnie?” He smacked Siwon playfully. “Why do you never mention having such cute friends?”
You blushed at the compliment. The other’s at the table laughed. Hangeng spoke up then in a heavily accented voice (you deduced he must be foreign). “It’s true Siwon. Remember Kibumah? You never even introduced us to him until it was too late.”
“That’s because Siwon didn’t want Heechul to steal another one of his boyfriends” Kyuhyun stated and everyone at the table laughed with the exception of Siwon and yourself. Hangeng gave Siwon an apologetic look. Heechul threw his head back and cackled, stopping only when Hangeng pecked him on the cheek.
Boyfriend. Boyfriends? Somewhere along the line you must have entertained the idea of him finding someone else to love. There must have been others, you just had never thought of it seriously till now.
You wondered now if he was taken. You wondered even more if it would even make a difference.
He noticed your white knuckles gripping the edge of the table and made a dismissive shake with his head. You relaxed slightly but only just.
If you were a little nervous, a little jumpy, no one commented. As the evening wore on you found his friends to be fun, kind people, easy to talk to. It was easier to talk to the others than it was to talk to him. Again time slipped away from you.
The café was closing, and he was offering to drive you home.
“It’s really not that far.” You protested. It wasn’t really, honest. You weren’t avoiding spending time alone with him.
“I’ll walk you then.” He said, and you knew that this wasn’t a request.
So he did. Carrying your guitar despite your protests. You walked side by side in the crisp autumn air. You wished you had brought a jacket with you, all you had was your suddenly thin seeming sweater.
About half way to you flat (the first half of the walk having been spent in awkward silence) you turned to him and asked that which you had been dying to ask all night. “Do you still think about that summer?”
He shifted you guitar case to his other hand. “All the time.” He admitted. He didn’t ask the same of you but you felt the need to say something.
“Some days I hate myself for not coming with you.”
At this he stopped dead. He set your guitar down on the sidewalk, turned to you and grabbed your shoulders. “Do not. Ever. Hate yourself for that.” He shook you gently for emphasis.
It was suddenly too much for you. Seeing him again, talking to him again. The tears that had threatened to fall earlier now made their way silently down your cheeks. You didn’t regret. You told yourself you never regretted. But no matter how hard your brain worked, it could never truly convince your heart.
“Hey now, what’s this.” He said, brushing them away. “Don’t cry I mean it. “
“But I do.” You sobbed finally letting it all out. “I do. I regret it so much. If I had just gone with you…” You trailed off because you didn’t really know how things would have turned out. You were just over emotional and full of self pity right now.
He suddenly embraced you, holding you close the way he used to. “Am I not right here with you now despite all that?” He asked softly. “I think we both had a lot of growing up to do. We were so young back then. Things probably would have gone badly.”
You knew the truth in his words, and sobbed harder into his chest. He just held you, saying nothing, making no move to leave.
When you had cried yourself out he pulled back to look at you. You shivered from the cold and from the look in his eye. Intense. Longing. Perhaps there was a hint of regret there as well.
“Can we just start over?” he asked. Start over? Forget everything that had happened between the two of you? The moonlit nights on the beach, the surf lessons, the first time you had made love? Forget all that?
You eyed him, you weren’t sure if it was a good idea or not, but hadn’t you learned not to let opportunities go by? You tried a smile and said. “ok”
His face broke into a wide smile. He offered you his hand. “Hello. I’m Siwon” He said as if meeting you for the first time. “And I think I’m still in love with you.”
You grinned genuinely at that. You could still hold on to the good memories then. You took his hand. “Sungmin” You said “And I know I still love you.”
~*~*~*~*
Later when he kissed you goodnight, you wrapped into his jacket with him because you were cold, you reflected.
Maybe, just maybe Autumn wasn’t so bad . Colored leaves were quite nice after all.
THE END