and time passes
I've spent all day trying to find the right words for the hurt, the despair, the dead patience in my heart today.
I feel, right now, like I have had too much love and loss for too many lifetimes to fit in one body. I feel like I can't trust anyone, and whenever I think my trust is gone forever it creeps out of me unbidden and I want to rage at the injustice of that.
I want to go back to living instead of surviving but what does that even look like?
I feel like so many people need more from me than I have to give, and I give until there's nothing left, or I say hey, I can't do that, and they get angry, and I lose friends. And then there's my faulty brain altering my sense of things, but people get angry when you forget their names or forget to call or reply to texts and it has the same effect.
It's all contradictory. I'm isolated and yet can't get enough solitude. I miss having a sex life but people hitting on me fills me with panic, even people I'm interested in. The better my health gets the more aware I am of how far I am from where I was, but very few other people seem to see it.
I want independence and enough time to think clearly but it feels like there is no amount of time that would be enough.
I'm tired so tomorrow will tell if this post is even coherent.
I feel, right now, like I have had too much love and loss for too many lifetimes to fit in one body. I feel like I can't trust anyone, and whenever I think my trust is gone forever it creeps out of me unbidden and I want to rage at the injustice of that.
I want to go back to living instead of surviving but what does that even look like?
I feel like so many people need more from me than I have to give, and I give until there's nothing left, or I say hey, I can't do that, and they get angry, and I lose friends. And then there's my faulty brain altering my sense of things, but people get angry when you forget their names or forget to call or reply to texts and it has the same effect.
It's all contradictory. I'm isolated and yet can't get enough solitude. I miss having a sex life but people hitting on me fills me with panic, even people I'm interested in. The better my health gets the more aware I am of how far I am from where I was, but very few other people seem to see it.
I want independence and enough time to think clearly but it feels like there is no amount of time that would be enough.
I'm tired so tomorrow will tell if this post is even coherent.