Foundering
So Lynn purchased a TV from Jon's brother. He was supposed to come pick it up last night. This involves me because it's in our living space and it's a 42" projection tv. Not small. With the TV gone we can rearrange things a bit and have room for me to have a desk again rather than sitting on the floor to use my gaming system or borrowing Jon's computer. In our 1 room place this is a huge piece of real estate.
Jon told Lynn twice that it was massive, specifically told him that it was 42". I mentioned at least once that he did not have enough room in the living room for the tv unless he moved the boxes around and organized them rather than having them scattered all over the room. I told him he would have to stop by a Uhaul and rent a pick up truck to move it due to the size. He nodded and said okay every single time. We arranged for him to come by last night to pick it up.
I've been avoiding giving him my new address since day one. This was my safe space. I didn't want him to have anything to do with it. But it couldn't be avoided any longer.
It was looking a little grey when I got off work so I messaged Lynn.
Me: You might want to buy a giant tarp and some rope.
Lynn: Is it raining there?
Me: Not at my work, but it's rather grey.
Lynn: Their vehicle is enclosed.
There's no way this tv is going to fit in most vehicles, unless it's a cargo van with nothing else in it. But what do I know, right? And I kind of want to believe this fiction my mind is making up, that this time he'll have listened and made appropriate arrangements.
He messages when he's outside the house. I go out to walk them to the back, like I told him I would. It's less than 2 mintues time. Lynn's walking up and down the street talking to people because he isn't sure which house is ours. We walk back and he is astounded at the size of the tv. He says he had no idea how big it was. Jon gives him a look and says "No, I told you, to your face, that it was a 42" projection tv." "I don't recall that conversation." This gets another look from Jon as well as one from the people Lynn brought to help with the tv. Jon shakes his head, really there's nothing else he can do.
Measurements of the tv and the vehicle are taken, there's no way it'll fit. I tell him again that he'll have to rent a pickup truck from Uhaul, they're only $20 the last time he and I looked. He says he doesn't know where a Uhaul place is. It's my turn to give him a look. "Uhaul.com, google, it's not that hard." Arrangements are made for him to return on Saturday with a truck. They leave.
I am unsettled and dismayed at having to see him again, in my space, so soon. I'm unreasonably hurt that my fiction was just that; he's not changed a bit. I'm easily aggitated at this point and I end up snapping at Jon over stupid shit. He sits me down and we talk. I end up in tears. I keep saying it's this thing or that thing, and it kind of is but those don't really bother me enough to cause this reaction. It's having to deal with Lynn, it's having to inflict time with Lynn on Jon, it's having to remind both of us that he is still a part of my life. I feel guilty for all of that. I feel frustrated at not having space to have my things here with us, instead of at Lynn's apartment. It's fear that Jon will feel that he's not doing enough for me ... and fear that Jon will leave me, decide that all this is too much and he'd have less angst without me and my ex husband and simply tell me to move out.
Also, there's still a small part of me that is guilt ridden over being married and living with another man. Part of me that feels horrible that I failed at a second marriage. Part of me that is convinced that I'm the common demoninator when it comes to my failed relationships and I'm going to fuck this up too.
Jon tries to get me to look him in the eye rather than hide as I have a habit of doing. I avert my eyes, duck my head, look elsewhere, anything to avoid looking directly at him when we have these talks. I've never before had a problem looking somebody straight in the eyes, particularly when we're having a disagreement. And yet .. I'm terrified to with Jon. Maybe I'm afraid I'll see the love leave, see disgust or judgement; maybe I'm afraid he'll see to the depths of my fear; maybe there's something from those years with David because all I can think is "nonononono, Bad!"
I hate that even a little time with Lynn does this to me, that it unsettles me so much. I hate that I can't just cut ties and walk away. He has most of my stuff still. We're trying to clear out the storage building to hopefully have room for it but we're not there yet. I'll have to interact with him again for the divorce paperwork, which I should be able to begin the filing process for next week. I'll have to interact with him again when I file our taxes for the year. After that it should be limited to the occasional gathering with mutual friends but no time in his house, no time alone.
I'm counting the days.
And praying like crazy that Jon stays.