Put on your pretty lies, you're in the city of wonder
Yes, i did just use Disturbia lyrics for the subject. But Punk Goes Pop 2 has been blasting from my speakers since i got home. I love The Cab, their cover definitely is my favorite. I like a lot of them but rihanna has always been one of my guilty pleasures. and two britney songs? you know the way to my heart <3 (Yes, i know that Toxic isnt an original Britney Spears song. SO not the point)
I tried to stop cursing. Like, just srsly try to decrease the amount of times i swear because they are probably half of my daily verbal vocabulary. Plus, my sister told be i was going to hell because of it...
Well, today i just stopped trying. It made me feel better.
I believe that change is always a positive thing. Shitty things happen but it just proposes a challenge and leaves you questioning whether if you can deal with the new aspect of your life.
Thats what i like to think anyway.
Just recently, i feel like im moving backwards. I took one giant step forward just to turn around and walk away. Usually i would just get over the emo by semi dealing with it and then pushing it to the back of my mind.
Now, everything it just wrong.
I knew it. I could feel that something wasnt right. But i was happy and just ignored all of the warning signs. I just never will be happy and i realized that a long time ago. But i grabbed onto that little piece of false hope and held on for dear life.
And my anger management issues are back. And im getting stress headaches again. It is an undescribable pain that i dont have control over. Being this helpless is literally driving me insane
And thats what i get for not cutting. I have developed many habits that im not proud of because of the lack of razorblades but im running out of skin around my nails and i refuse to indulge myself in a bottle of painkillers.
And along with the reoccuring headaches my ankle hurts like a bitch. i am very pain tolerant so i guess it could be pretty bad..
And i feel like whiny Claire from Heroes. I spent so many years being numb that i just wanna feel something thats real. I finally get my chance and i ruining it with my fucking emo. i dont even know why i feel like this most of the time but i do. and it sucks. and im pissed.
I go by 3 names. Caitlyn, Cait and Caity. Each one matches up with a different side of my personality. Caitlyn to my friends and the outsiders who could probably couldnt even care less about me. But hey, those strangers might know as much about my life as some of the people that are in it. Caity is what all of my family members call me. My momma, father, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles. You get the picture. But they all dont know about this constant pain i feel. They only see the successful at school, willing to help out child they saw grow up before their very eyes. I am not that innocent child anymore. I grew up before my time which msch help from my father who yesterday admitted to not really caring about me, just likes to use me as bragging rights to my mother. so i look like the better child when compared to my sister lauren. how fucked up is that? and then today hes like "caitlyn you love me right i responded with "what, why? thats sort of random.."
dad: you mother said none of you kids love me. you love me right?
me:...yeah dad. i love you.
which isnt a complete lie. i mean, hes my father. of course i love him. and i spent so much time trying to prove myself to him that i will always care about him and his opinions.
But i am these 3 different people...yet all of them arent me.
Its the tragedy of the human condition at its best.
I am so angry with myself right now that i cant even enjoy american idol.
"I’m scared that I will undoubtedly fuck up anything that is good in my life. I’ll fuck it up partly because I am never satisfied and nothing is ever good enough for me, and partly, or rather: I’m never satisfied because I am so scared of getting fucked and not having control over getting fucked, that I would rather fuck it up myself. I’d rather ruin something myself, than take the chance of losing control over it."
Gabe, i couldnt have said it better.
I tried to stop cursing. Like, just srsly try to decrease the amount of times i swear because they are probably half of my daily verbal vocabulary. Plus, my sister told be i was going to hell because of it...
Well, today i just stopped trying. It made me feel better.
I believe that change is always a positive thing. Shitty things happen but it just proposes a challenge and leaves you questioning whether if you can deal with the new aspect of your life.
Thats what i like to think anyway.
Just recently, i feel like im moving backwards. I took one giant step forward just to turn around and walk away. Usually i would just get over the emo by semi dealing with it and then pushing it to the back of my mind.
Now, everything it just wrong.
I knew it. I could feel that something wasnt right. But i was happy and just ignored all of the warning signs. I just never will be happy and i realized that a long time ago. But i grabbed onto that little piece of false hope and held on for dear life.
And my anger management issues are back. And im getting stress headaches again. It is an undescribable pain that i dont have control over. Being this helpless is literally driving me insane
And thats what i get for not cutting. I have developed many habits that im not proud of because of the lack of razorblades but im running out of skin around my nails and i refuse to indulge myself in a bottle of painkillers.
And along with the reoccuring headaches my ankle hurts like a bitch. i am very pain tolerant so i guess it could be pretty bad..
And i feel like whiny Claire from Heroes. I spent so many years being numb that i just wanna feel something thats real. I finally get my chance and i ruining it with my fucking emo. i dont even know why i feel like this most of the time but i do. and it sucks. and im pissed.
I go by 3 names. Caitlyn, Cait and Caity. Each one matches up with a different side of my personality. Caitlyn to my friends and the outsiders who could probably couldnt even care less about me. But hey, those strangers might know as much about my life as some of the people that are in it. Caity is what all of my family members call me. My momma, father, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles. You get the picture. But they all dont know about this constant pain i feel. They only see the successful at school, willing to help out child they saw grow up before their very eyes. I am not that innocent child anymore. I grew up before my time which msch help from my father who yesterday admitted to not really caring about me, just likes to use me as bragging rights to my mother. so i look like the better child when compared to my sister lauren. how fucked up is that? and then today hes like "caitlyn you love me right i responded with "what, why? thats sort of random.."
dad: you mother said none of you kids love me. you love me right?
me:...yeah dad. i love you.
which isnt a complete lie. i mean, hes my father. of course i love him. and i spent so much time trying to prove myself to him that i will always care about him and his opinions.
But i am these 3 different people...yet all of them arent me.
Its the tragedy of the human condition at its best.
I am so angry with myself right now that i cant even enjoy american idol.
"I’m scared that I will undoubtedly fuck up anything that is good in my life. I’ll fuck it up partly because I am never satisfied and nothing is ever good enough for me, and partly, or rather: I’m never satisfied because I am so scared of getting fucked and not having control over getting fucked, that I would rather fuck it up myself. I’d rather ruin something myself, than take the chance of losing control over it."
Gabe, i couldnt have said it better.