Lobotomy Of The Soul
I'm starting to understand better now. The things I did wrong, the errors in judgment, the things we knew but couldn't admit to ourselves.
This should have ended a while ago but we just couldn't let go of the light, couldn't risk losing it. It's an intoxication with life, with feeling, with an actual sense of being. Contrasted with life in the penumbra that had become the norm for both of us it's easy to see how we'd become so wrapped up in it, so afraid to go back into the shadows.
But that scenario stood outside of a larger reality; and we were great at creating our own whenever we got near to each other. That's not to say that it wasn't real but it sometimes lacked a larger context. I'm sure it was far more so for me than her because I was separated from the cost for so long... it just wasn't there in my face for me to see any more.
I had sought out an end, and the goal of it was founded on the wrong principles. I had once been faced with the prospect of someone asking me if they should leave their boyfriend for me and I told them no because if they weren't content in their relationship they had to do that for themself. Here I tried to put myself in a position where I was trying to influence a relationship that wasn't mine to do so with. I still agree with some of the justification, I think the core intentions remain valid and pure, but none of them gave me the right to take the stance that I did.
And despite it all, I do wish I could have done more. Different things, more helpful things. I never wanted to inflict this pain but in convincing myself that I could help alleviate it in the long term I ended up hurting someone so very precious to me. This is someone for which I had told myself I would never put my own self interests above their own and without realizing it I did just that.
I couldn't see it then, but with the coldness of the schizoidal mind frame returning to me the passion is starting to lose its hold. Things are becoming more objective, more grey.
If I had to do it over again I would change so much.
---
The grey. That was always another fear of mine. That in allowing her to go I would return to this place and not be able to find my way back. That there was a possibility that some time in the future she would come back to me and I would have been so far removed from it, so lost in this cold indifference, that I wouldn't be able to engage with her. It's happened to me before. I had to go my own way from someone I was passionate about. A year went by without contact and I learned to live without her. When she came back into my life the context of everything I had learned had changed the scenario. I couldn't find the earth shaking force of connection that I once shared with her any more.
There was still a strong connection, still a deep understanding and love there but the, dare I say it, spiritual entwinement was gone. Still, in the end I could describe it no better than to call it a lobotomy of the soul. Even though I know it's not on the table any more letting go means accepting the chance that the icepick is coming and that there will be no reversing the damage once it's done.
This should have ended a while ago but we just couldn't let go of the light, couldn't risk losing it. It's an intoxication with life, with feeling, with an actual sense of being. Contrasted with life in the penumbra that had become the norm for both of us it's easy to see how we'd become so wrapped up in it, so afraid to go back into the shadows.
But that scenario stood outside of a larger reality; and we were great at creating our own whenever we got near to each other. That's not to say that it wasn't real but it sometimes lacked a larger context. I'm sure it was far more so for me than her because I was separated from the cost for so long... it just wasn't there in my face for me to see any more.
I had sought out an end, and the goal of it was founded on the wrong principles. I had once been faced with the prospect of someone asking me if they should leave their boyfriend for me and I told them no because if they weren't content in their relationship they had to do that for themself. Here I tried to put myself in a position where I was trying to influence a relationship that wasn't mine to do so with. I still agree with some of the justification, I think the core intentions remain valid and pure, but none of them gave me the right to take the stance that I did.
And despite it all, I do wish I could have done more. Different things, more helpful things. I never wanted to inflict this pain but in convincing myself that I could help alleviate it in the long term I ended up hurting someone so very precious to me. This is someone for which I had told myself I would never put my own self interests above their own and without realizing it I did just that.
I couldn't see it then, but with the coldness of the schizoidal mind frame returning to me the passion is starting to lose its hold. Things are becoming more objective, more grey.
If I had to do it over again I would change so much.
---
The grey. That was always another fear of mine. That in allowing her to go I would return to this place and not be able to find my way back. That there was a possibility that some time in the future she would come back to me and I would have been so far removed from it, so lost in this cold indifference, that I wouldn't be able to engage with her. It's happened to me before. I had to go my own way from someone I was passionate about. A year went by without contact and I learned to live without her. When she came back into my life the context of everything I had learned had changed the scenario. I couldn't find the earth shaking force of connection that I once shared with her any more.
There was still a strong connection, still a deep understanding and love there but the, dare I say it, spiritual entwinement was gone. Still, in the end I could describe it no better than to call it a lobotomy of the soul. Even though I know it's not on the table any more letting go means accepting the chance that the icepick is coming and that there will be no reversing the damage once it's done.