The best way out is always through. -Robert Frost
Usually, in tough spots, my favorite quote is Churchill's "If you're going through hell, keep going." But I'm not really in hell so it doesn't particularly apply. Some parts of my life are quite, quite lovely indeed. So I've been all over this Frost quote as soon as I saw it in my Reader today. It also meshes well with my thoughts on fear and that the only way to deal with it is to go through it.
Despite hell's absense, I am struggling though and sorely sick of it.
My struggles:
- irregular, usually insufficient sleep
- non-existent exercise habit despite all my gear, all my knowledge, all my plans for it, all my desire to have certain numbers on the scale and certain curves to be a certain size
- "I'm busy" and "my calendar fills at least a week out" = true, obnoxious, anxiety-producing as
- I am chronically late for everything these days, even when meeting people I can't wait to see and do things I've been looking forward to for days
It seems like a simple thing to fix. Just go to bed at night, make time to exercise, manage your time wisely to stop being late and stop scheduling so many activities in your day.
Time management though is not ADHD-friendly. And I always think that I am more capable than I am. It really does occur to me that I know I get sucked into various black holes on the Internet so I will think about setting a timer and shutting my laptop no matter where I am or what I'm doing when it goes off.
But then I will come home from work tired and just wanting to know what happened to my friends today so I tell myself it will just be a quick 15 minutes while I check email, Facebook and LiveJournal. And then I will somehow be going to bed after 1am yet again.
The other day, I was up until 5am. It pains me to admit that out loud. Naturally, I got up at 8 and spent the day chasing my tail, late for everything and everyone and thinking nasty things about myself the whole time.
This is just not worth it to me. I love what I've done in the last couple months (most of my errands and shopping is about getting my condo turned into my home), and I've enjoyed the time I've had with my friends* lately and the guys I've been seeing have been more awesome then the ones I've seen previously.
I actually admitted to one of them that I've not been taking care of myself the way I used to do so. Sleep has been a struggle since menarche, but I used to exercise nearly every day and loved myself so much more for it. Just a few months ago, I was in total Diva mode and working the hair and makeup every day and again, loving myself more for it. Tell me all you want that I'm pretty or don't need to wear makeup, I like looking like I give a damn about myself and what I look like.
Lately all my magazines and blogs have been telling me that the big fat secret to living longer, looking younger, being happy and all that is to get regular and sufficient sleep and exercise. To which I scream into a vacuum, "WHY CAN'T I JUST EAT DARK CHOCOLATE AND ACAI BERRIES?" :P
This is also why you've not had a preseason post since before I went to Chicago. Though when I was in Chicago, I did walk at least 2 miles every day from Sunday to Thursday. That Friday I pretty much woke up, went to the airport, flew home, and had a cute boyo go completely out of his way to pick me up and take me to my parents' house, where I'd left my car.
I mean, I have exercised in the last month but not in sufficient ways to even bother with a preseason post. Or, really, a "regular season" post since it's past my birthday so I should have hit like 90 miles by now. Oops.
I would really like to combine my Diva and Athlete with my Entrepreneur in the next month. I know that I've just jinxed what was building with each of the guys I've been seeing with saying so publicly but hopefully the one who speaks my sites' language will still be willing to help me out with that. Because while I can write just about anything, I lack the time and desire to learn what I need in order to make the sites pretty and oh, oh, wow, they need prettified.
Being my Athlete will make the Lomi easier to do (some of the postures require more flexibility than my knees are presently okay with), my Diva will give my Entrepreneur the confidence to sell my skills and do my work. Because my job wants me to market to my own clients and retain them. So, fine, you want me to do my own marketing, you bet your ass I will market myself and find my own clients. :D
Honestly, as much as it's going to suck to have jinxed these dudes, I know that I have not been presenting them with my best self. One of my first dates with one of them, he commented that I am authentic, that I don't put up a front that has to be worn down over time before you see the real me. This actually is the real me. While that is true, my authentically exhausted self is not really the most awesome for dating. My authentic well-rested self is. It is not really fair to them to treat myself like this.
And since the universe has been steadily making the dudes I date better and better,** as I am nicely settled into my home now and can get back to taking care of me, I am most eager to see who will show up in my life next!
What was the point again? Right, right, that I am coming back to self-care. By which I mean that I am going to go to bed earlier than I have been, and since it is pretty much the sole time-suck in my life, I will do more internet-ing on my phone, less when I get home from work. And I will actually use a timer when I get online at home.
I will also be scheduling fewer activities on my days off, making time to respond to emails from my long lost friends, and find time for yoga (since you know, it's exercise and I need that in my life, and it's about sacred space and I need that in my life, too), meditation and daily rituals.
This is what I want in my life: peace, love, success, joy. Of all the things (and men) to chase in the world, these are the four I find worthy of my time and effort and I will not be deterred.
* Dear universe, thank you for returning one but I need both my girls back please. You know they keep me grounded. Help a girl out, eh? <3, liss
** In both character and compatibility. Mmmm, and kissing ability. :D
Despite hell's absense, I am struggling though and sorely sick of it.
My struggles:
- irregular, usually insufficient sleep
- non-existent exercise habit despite all my gear, all my knowledge, all my plans for it, all my desire to have certain numbers on the scale and certain curves to be a certain size
- "I'm busy" and "my calendar fills at least a week out" = true, obnoxious, anxiety-producing as
- I am chronically late for everything these days, even when meeting people I can't wait to see and do things I've been looking forward to for days
It seems like a simple thing to fix. Just go to bed at night, make time to exercise, manage your time wisely to stop being late and stop scheduling so many activities in your day.
Time management though is not ADHD-friendly. And I always think that I am more capable than I am. It really does occur to me that I know I get sucked into various black holes on the Internet so I will think about setting a timer and shutting my laptop no matter where I am or what I'm doing when it goes off.
But then I will come home from work tired and just wanting to know what happened to my friends today so I tell myself it will just be a quick 15 minutes while I check email, Facebook and LiveJournal. And then I will somehow be going to bed after 1am yet again.
The other day, I was up until 5am. It pains me to admit that out loud. Naturally, I got up at 8 and spent the day chasing my tail, late for everything and everyone and thinking nasty things about myself the whole time.
This is just not worth it to me. I love what I've done in the last couple months (most of my errands and shopping is about getting my condo turned into my home), and I've enjoyed the time I've had with my friends* lately and the guys I've been seeing have been more awesome then the ones I've seen previously.
I actually admitted to one of them that I've not been taking care of myself the way I used to do so. Sleep has been a struggle since menarche, but I used to exercise nearly every day and loved myself so much more for it. Just a few months ago, I was in total Diva mode and working the hair and makeup every day and again, loving myself more for it. Tell me all you want that I'm pretty or don't need to wear makeup, I like looking like I give a damn about myself and what I look like.
Lately all my magazines and blogs have been telling me that the big fat secret to living longer, looking younger, being happy and all that is to get regular and sufficient sleep and exercise. To which I scream into a vacuum, "WHY CAN'T I JUST EAT DARK CHOCOLATE AND ACAI BERRIES?" :P
This is also why you've not had a preseason post since before I went to Chicago. Though when I was in Chicago, I did walk at least 2 miles every day from Sunday to Thursday. That Friday I pretty much woke up, went to the airport, flew home, and had a cute boyo go completely out of his way to pick me up and take me to my parents' house, where I'd left my car.
I mean, I have exercised in the last month but not in sufficient ways to even bother with a preseason post. Or, really, a "regular season" post since it's past my birthday so I should have hit like 90 miles by now. Oops.
I would really like to combine my Diva and Athlete with my Entrepreneur in the next month. I know that I've just jinxed what was building with each of the guys I've been seeing with saying so publicly but hopefully the one who speaks my sites' language will still be willing to help me out with that. Because while I can write just about anything, I lack the time and desire to learn what I need in order to make the sites pretty and oh, oh, wow, they need prettified.
Being my Athlete will make the Lomi easier to do (some of the postures require more flexibility than my knees are presently okay with), my Diva will give my Entrepreneur the confidence to sell my skills and do my work. Because my job wants me to market to my own clients and retain them. So, fine, you want me to do my own marketing, you bet your ass I will market myself and find my own clients. :D
Honestly, as much as it's going to suck to have jinxed these dudes, I know that I have not been presenting them with my best self. One of my first dates with one of them, he commented that I am authentic, that I don't put up a front that has to be worn down over time before you see the real me. This actually is the real me. While that is true, my authentically exhausted self is not really the most awesome for dating. My authentic well-rested self is. It is not really fair to them to treat myself like this.
And since the universe has been steadily making the dudes I date better and better,** as I am nicely settled into my home now and can get back to taking care of me, I am most eager to see who will show up in my life next!
What was the point again? Right, right, that I am coming back to self-care. By which I mean that I am going to go to bed earlier than I have been, and since it is pretty much the sole time-suck in my life, I will do more internet-ing on my phone, less when I get home from work. And I will actually use a timer when I get online at home.
I will also be scheduling fewer activities on my days off, making time to respond to emails from my long lost friends, and find time for yoga (since you know, it's exercise and I need that in my life, and it's about sacred space and I need that in my life, too), meditation and daily rituals.
This is what I want in my life: peace, love, success, joy. Of all the things (and men) to chase in the world, these are the four I find worthy of my time and effort and I will not be deterred.
* Dear universe, thank you for returning one but I need both my girls back please. You know they keep me grounded. Help a girl out, eh? <3, liss
** In both character and compatibility. Mmmm, and kissing ability. :D