Immature, Much?
I got into another fight with my mother.
Only this one is exponentionally worse.
I don't want to talk to her.
I got into the shower afterwards crying and I don't know how long it took before I stopped.
I consoled myself by thoughts of moving out and cursing her out.
She threw out her back on an EMS call a few days ago.
Sunday morning, after work, I offered to take a look at her back for her. As a favor.
I did it again Monday morning because I was pretty sure she could feel better.
Today was really difficult for me (long story involving the DMV and their employees making me feel like I was a bad person) and I didn't want to really do anything but cry for a very long time.
She asked me to help her and I was a little worried that I might just fuck up her back more with the mood that I was in. Plus, I was just in a terrible mood and couldn't imagine what it would be like to try and heal someone.
After 20 minutes of stalling, I finally go out to the living room and tell my mom to lie on the floor so I can look at her back.
I was all ready to do it for her, too. To just suck it up and really just do something selfless.
And then: "What? On the cat vomit?"
....Are you serious? The cat threw up on the rug. Not only did that upset me, but the cat vomited on the rug over an hour ago.
AN HOUR AGO!
Not just that, but neither my mother or my sister (who both were the ones that discovered it) did anything about it. They just left it there. So I'm in my room and like an idiot, I connected 'oh, the cat vomited on the rug' with 'I guess I'll just clean it up, then!'
Silly me.
Not only is the upchuck/hairball still on the rug, but since I'm about to "use" the rug, I have to clean it up.
I have to clean something up before I do something that will probably drain the rest of my energy from me.
Here I stand, in a terrible mood on the brink of I-have-no-idea-what-will-happen, and my mom decides it's prime time to treat me like a servant.
It really wouldn't have taken all that much to change the phrasing of that so it came across as less of an order and more of a polite request.
It wouldn't have taken much effort to at least understand that I am not her doctor.
But no.
As soon as I sigh from the sight, she says, "Look, if it's something that'll be a problem for you, you don't have to do it."
Okay. So I won't.
And then she got offended.
WHAT?!
She then yelled at me for not administering treatment.
Not just yelled....she got in my face for it.
She literally followed me into the bathroom when I walked away and began badgering.
If your doctor was angry with you, would you want him to give you a check up? No. Or at least, that's not the best scenario.
If your medicine would hurt you instead of healing you, would you take it? No.
So how the hell would coming after me when I'm in no condition to heal anyone make anything better?
Why would you ask for more of someone than they can actually offer?!
Why would you abuse a favor? (Don't get me wrong, I understand that my mother has done many things for me that she might not have been in the mood for. But even when she did me favors and I made her angry, she stopped giving me what I wanted. She doesn't need my treatment, I've already told her several times that I can't heal her, she has to do that herself. While I may be a useful helping hand when a doctor is unavailable, I can't provide her with an ailment that I can guarantee will work. Somehow even telling her this afterwards doesn't work.)
And really, how does offering an option get you what you want? I'll tell you something: it doesn't. If someone genuinely doesn't want to do something, and then their given a choice, unless there are dire circumstances (like money, or their life for example), they're going to opt out. And that's what I did. Not only was I not in the mood or position to heal, but I would not have done anything good for her. Regardless of whether or not I would've hurt her, I could've severely messed myself up had I actually attempted to heal while angry. Or nothing would've happened at all, which would've fucked me up psychologically.
On another note, I've adopted the rule that when I heal, it is as an exchange (unless it's given as a favor or under, again, dire circumstances) of services/energy. If I do healing work on a person, I need to receive something to keep a balance. Even when I do it as a favor, I usually receive appreciation and that is technically an exchange within itself. I felt that exchange when I worked on my mom's back on Sunday morning. I used to get that feeling when I gave her foot massages. I felt nothing Monday morning. She was happy that I would do it, but I think she saw it more as a visit to the doctor. And then today she gave me no compassion. Not when she was on the phone, not when she picked me up (and that was a favor on her part, but she treated it like it was a chore), not when we were at the DMV and I was actually in the middle of a small panic attack and on the verge of tears, and certainly not when she asked me to look at her back again.
When I refused and she followed me, she yelled at me for not wanting to do something simple like clean up the cat vomit on the carpet. Come on, this isn't about the cat throwing up her wet food and you know that. It's about you not getting what you want. And then when I said nothing and I just stared at her, she told me that she was angry with me. I can't say anything to make you not angry, what do you want me to say? What do you want to hear? I grabbed a towel from the closet and started into the bathroom and mumbled that I had nothing to say. There's just so much shock that I don't know where to stop in order to tell you that I am raging at you. I am burning with fiery hot coals in my stomach and you're just asking to have them thrown in your direction. She decided that was a primer to follow me into the bathroom and start calling me a bad person (like you're the first person to do that today?), rude and immature. Oh really? Miss Fucking I-want-to-get-what-I-want-and-now-without-any-regard-for-your-emotions Princess? And then proceeded to back off a little. Nice and dramatic. So I opened my mouth and shot back at her. I asked her who wasn't acting their age (I think it was phrased differently, but the point was the same.) I half expected her to turn around and try to hit me like she did when I was younger. But she sneered as if she were looking at some snake. I don't remember what was said next. She tried to close the door behind her as she left. This is a sign of power, I know that and so do you. I won't let you win like you think you should. I grabbed it and she tugged a little. She turned and I think she said something that was going to really hurt, but I just told her to leave me alone, that I couldn't speak to her right now. She scoffed at me and walked away. "Tch. Fine. Whatever." Yeah. Fuck you, too.
After the shower, I spoke to her about my treatment as a healer in the house. "You can be angry at me for not cleaning up the rug and all that, I understand that and I apologize. But when Dr Eddie isn't in the office, do you get pissed off?" "Dr Eddie wouldn't refuse to see me." You also don't give Dr Eddie much of a choice. You're also not fucking paying me. "That's true, but he's an established doctor."....And so forth. Nothing solved. I don't think she really understood what I was trying to get through to her. I stormed out of the living room to get dressed and just couldn't help but literally scream once I was in my room. I just didn't care. She's always thought the problem was only on my end when it came to getting ideas across. Maybe it's not my fault at all, Mom. It's quite possible it wasn't a learning disability like you thought it was but your own inability to really see past your own fucking opinion. Maybe it's a shared fault and you just didn't want to own up to your own flaws. I know you had this problem anyway, your back says a hell of a lot more than you do.
I don't hate my mother. I'm not 16 again, that is not where I stand.
But I am severely angry with her.
I'm serious when I say that thoughts of moving out cheered me up.
And I know I can't yet. I can't even afford to be a squatter.
But I can avoid speaking with her if I don't need to.
I think that needs to happen for a little while.
If not to get a message across, then to at least put the fights to a hold until I can actually speak with her without screaming.
I'll still handle all the stuff I need to handle with her...aka--money issues.
I'm probably going to be working A LOT more than I thought I was going to was hoping to, but that's okay.
Making more money is a good idea, generally.
Having two jobs in the summer and finding another in the fall (I'll be losing Kodak at the end of the season) should bring me current with stuff like insurance, surcharges, owing Mom and even saving up for massage school.
Tomorrow is prep day for the next week or so.
-Maggie.
Only this one is exponentionally worse.
I don't want to talk to her.
I got into the shower afterwards crying and I don't know how long it took before I stopped.
I consoled myself by thoughts of moving out and cursing her out.
She threw out her back on an EMS call a few days ago.
Sunday morning, after work, I offered to take a look at her back for her. As a favor.
I did it again Monday morning because I was pretty sure she could feel better.
Today was really difficult for me (long story involving the DMV and their employees making me feel like I was a bad person) and I didn't want to really do anything but cry for a very long time.
She asked me to help her and I was a little worried that I might just fuck up her back more with the mood that I was in. Plus, I was just in a terrible mood and couldn't imagine what it would be like to try and heal someone.
After 20 minutes of stalling, I finally go out to the living room and tell my mom to lie on the floor so I can look at her back.
I was all ready to do it for her, too. To just suck it up and really just do something selfless.
And then: "What? On the cat vomit?"
....Are you serious? The cat threw up on the rug. Not only did that upset me, but the cat vomited on the rug over an hour ago.
AN HOUR AGO!
Not just that, but neither my mother or my sister (who both were the ones that discovered it) did anything about it. They just left it there. So I'm in my room and like an idiot, I connected 'oh, the cat vomited on the rug' with 'I guess I'll just clean it up, then!'
Silly me.
Not only is the upchuck/hairball still on the rug, but since I'm about to "use" the rug, I have to clean it up.
I have to clean something up before I do something that will probably drain the rest of my energy from me.
Here I stand, in a terrible mood on the brink of I-have-no-idea-what-will-happen, and my mom decides it's prime time to treat me like a servant.
It really wouldn't have taken all that much to change the phrasing of that so it came across as less of an order and more of a polite request.
It wouldn't have taken much effort to at least understand that I am not her doctor.
But no.
As soon as I sigh from the sight, she says, "Look, if it's something that'll be a problem for you, you don't have to do it."
Okay. So I won't.
And then she got offended.
WHAT?!
She then yelled at me for not administering treatment.
Not just yelled....she got in my face for it.
She literally followed me into the bathroom when I walked away and began badgering.
If your doctor was angry with you, would you want him to give you a check up? No. Or at least, that's not the best scenario.
If your medicine would hurt you instead of healing you, would you take it? No.
So how the hell would coming after me when I'm in no condition to heal anyone make anything better?
Why would you ask for more of someone than they can actually offer?!
Why would you abuse a favor? (Don't get me wrong, I understand that my mother has done many things for me that she might not have been in the mood for. But even when she did me favors and I made her angry, she stopped giving me what I wanted. She doesn't need my treatment, I've already told her several times that I can't heal her, she has to do that herself. While I may be a useful helping hand when a doctor is unavailable, I can't provide her with an ailment that I can guarantee will work. Somehow even telling her this afterwards doesn't work.)
And really, how does offering an option get you what you want? I'll tell you something: it doesn't. If someone genuinely doesn't want to do something, and then their given a choice, unless there are dire circumstances (like money, or their life for example), they're going to opt out. And that's what I did. Not only was I not in the mood or position to heal, but I would not have done anything good for her. Regardless of whether or not I would've hurt her, I could've severely messed myself up had I actually attempted to heal while angry. Or nothing would've happened at all, which would've fucked me up psychologically.
On another note, I've adopted the rule that when I heal, it is as an exchange (unless it's given as a favor or under, again, dire circumstances) of services/energy. If I do healing work on a person, I need to receive something to keep a balance. Even when I do it as a favor, I usually receive appreciation and that is technically an exchange within itself. I felt that exchange when I worked on my mom's back on Sunday morning. I used to get that feeling when I gave her foot massages. I felt nothing Monday morning. She was happy that I would do it, but I think she saw it more as a visit to the doctor. And then today she gave me no compassion. Not when she was on the phone, not when she picked me up (and that was a favor on her part, but she treated it like it was a chore), not when we were at the DMV and I was actually in the middle of a small panic attack and on the verge of tears, and certainly not when she asked me to look at her back again.
When I refused and she followed me, she yelled at me for not wanting to do something simple like clean up the cat vomit on the carpet. Come on, this isn't about the cat throwing up her wet food and you know that. It's about you not getting what you want. And then when I said nothing and I just stared at her, she told me that she was angry with me. I can't say anything to make you not angry, what do you want me to say? What do you want to hear? I grabbed a towel from the closet and started into the bathroom and mumbled that I had nothing to say. There's just so much shock that I don't know where to stop in order to tell you that I am raging at you. I am burning with fiery hot coals in my stomach and you're just asking to have them thrown in your direction. She decided that was a primer to follow me into the bathroom and start calling me a bad person (like you're the first person to do that today?), rude and immature. Oh really? Miss Fucking I-want-to-get-what-I-want-and-now-without-any-regard-for-your-emotions Princess? And then proceeded to back off a little. Nice and dramatic. So I opened my mouth and shot back at her. I asked her who wasn't acting their age (I think it was phrased differently, but the point was the same.) I half expected her to turn around and try to hit me like she did when I was younger. But she sneered as if she were looking at some snake. I don't remember what was said next. She tried to close the door behind her as she left. This is a sign of power, I know that and so do you. I won't let you win like you think you should. I grabbed it and she tugged a little. She turned and I think she said something that was going to really hurt, but I just told her to leave me alone, that I couldn't speak to her right now. She scoffed at me and walked away. "Tch. Fine. Whatever." Yeah. Fuck you, too.
After the shower, I spoke to her about my treatment as a healer in the house. "You can be angry at me for not cleaning up the rug and all that, I understand that and I apologize. But when Dr Eddie isn't in the office, do you get pissed off?" "Dr Eddie wouldn't refuse to see me." You also don't give Dr Eddie much of a choice. You're also not fucking paying me. "That's true, but he's an established doctor."....And so forth. Nothing solved. I don't think she really understood what I was trying to get through to her. I stormed out of the living room to get dressed and just couldn't help but literally scream once I was in my room. I just didn't care. She's always thought the problem was only on my end when it came to getting ideas across. Maybe it's not my fault at all, Mom. It's quite possible it wasn't a learning disability like you thought it was but your own inability to really see past your own fucking opinion. Maybe it's a shared fault and you just didn't want to own up to your own flaws. I know you had this problem anyway, your back says a hell of a lot more than you do.
I don't hate my mother. I'm not 16 again, that is not where I stand.
But I am severely angry with her.
I'm serious when I say that thoughts of moving out cheered me up.
And I know I can't yet. I can't even afford to be a squatter.
But I can avoid speaking with her if I don't need to.
I think that needs to happen for a little while.
If not to get a message across, then to at least put the fights to a hold until I can actually speak with her without screaming.
I'll still handle all the stuff I need to handle with her...aka--money issues.
I'm probably going to be working A LOT more than I thought I was going to was hoping to, but that's okay.
Making more money is a good idea, generally.
Having two jobs in the summer and finding another in the fall (I'll be losing Kodak at the end of the season) should bring me current with stuff like insurance, surcharges, owing Mom and even saving up for massage school.
Tomorrow is prep day for the next week or so.
-Maggie.