fire sale

Mar 25, 2011 23:58

So, on top of the depression, the upset of the uncertainty of things related to the guy, the existential crisis...I also have no money.

I had some decent pet sitting jobs lined up for this month, but half of them were cancelled. I start sitting on Monday, which is great--it's a week's worth of work--but in the meantime, I have barely been paying bills. I just keep paying portions, chipping away at stuff from last month. (I did get offered another pet sitting gig for next week, but I can't take it, because I am already sitting for another pet and the requirements for both jobs mean I can't take both, I can only take one...so I had to pass it to someone else.)

I woke up today--after spending most of the day in bed, in an act of avoidance--and put my dining room table and matching wine rack up on Craigslist. These are lovely pieces of furniture, perfect for an apartment...slate stone tops, wrought iron bases, very well made, in great shape. I'm asking $250 OBO for the pair, which is perhaps high, but I paid twice that for them originally and they are in great shape. I don't need either piece. I use them as catch-alls for my crap. My table is a holding station for mail and my purse. I also pulled about 20 dvds (some of which include seasons of tv) from my collection, to see if I can sell at a local store that buys back items. It wouldn't net much money, but it could be gas money.

I went through some jobs on Craigslist, sent my resume out to some gigs. I researched the two bars around the corner from my house and sent off resumes. Next week, I need to drive over to the west side and apply in person at a restaurant that my friend works at...and possibly drop in on the bars around the corner, to deliver a hardcopy resume.

Not having money sucks.

I've always had some amount of situational depression/anxiety, but there's something about this current time that is a bit overwhelming. The lack of job security, the frustrations regarding what I've chosen to pursue (and the lack of inspiration I have for it at the moment), the money issues, the stupid boy issues...it's just a bit much.

Last night, the guy reached out via text to tell me how much he loves The West Wing. I made him watch the season premiere of season 2 (because I can't sit through season 1 without squirming) the last time we hung out. He asked to borrow the rest of the season from me. I reluctantly said yes (I'm very attached to it). Earlier this week, I asked for it back, because I am annoyed with him and feeling withholding. He said he hadn't finished watching it, but would give it back as soon as I wanted it. Anyway, I left it alone, told him I would contact him to get it sometime soon. So, last night, he begins texting me about the show, without saying which show. I confirmed what he meant, and he rhapsodized about it. That it was his dream show he would have wanted to be on. Boy, don't I know that feeling. :) Anyway, I'm glad he likes it so much, because it always brings me joy to share what I love with people. I do have to say, though, that some part of me felt vindicated--I sometimes wonder if he doesn't give me credit for being as great as I am, as a way to distance himself. I love this show. He now loves this show. I feel like that's a win for me, even if it's a dumb one.

Anyway...he's selfish and in a bad place in his life and I can't count on him for anything but inconsistencies. I wish I did not like him. My life would be easier. But, I do.

I started working on my new script. Not loving it so far. Wrote two pages. It's silly, but I judge myself on not writing more. I'm usually a pretty quick writer. I have a block. A commitment issue. :) I really am more commitment phobic than I like to admit. I have to remember that the more that I write, the more the ideas flow. What I have right now is not very fleshed out. I also have to remember that I have the power of the Delete key. :) Nothing is permanent in a script, at least not at this point. I do wonder if some of it is just insecurity based on my personal issues right now. Like I don't believe in myself or my idea, because things are so weird for me.
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