anger issues
I spent most of today angry.
I slept in. I ignored my phone. I bailed on plans. I woke up pissed off at the guy and pissed off in general.
My friend ended up getting me to come over to her place and just sit on her couch, so I wasn't sitting in bed. I wrote for a while, bitched about some stuff, but was just in a mood. I found out while I was there that I was released from the avail I was on, which means that I did not book the commercial that I was being held for--so that sucks a lot. I put a mention of that up on Facebook, then went on my way to my pole class.
I got to class pissed off and emotional. I was emotional all through our warm up, and slightly distracted during our tricks, although I managed to get some good work in. During our last two dances, I was not feeling the one song and kind of just angry--during the last one, which was meant to be an emotional, get out of your head dance, I pretty much just laid in one spot on the floor, moving occasionally, but just leaking tears. I was just so tired and angry and hurt and disappointed and overwhelmed.
When I went to leave class, I checked my phone, and to my surprise, found a text from the guy, expressing sympathy over me losing the commercial. It pissed me off. It's not that I don't appreciate the sympathy, I do. I understand he was trying to be nice. But that's the issue for me--the times he reaches out and is nice to me, it's almost making things worse. Because then I am reminded that maybe he does care, and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's borderline emotionally abusive, and I don't even know if he's aware of it. Maybe he's just trying to be a friend. I don't know. This entire thing is not right, though. I keep wanting to really tell him off. I want to stand up and say, "THIS IS NOT RIGHT." But I haven't. Every time I write a pissed off email that I never send, I look at it and think, "This just reads like a rejected girl whining because she didn't get what she wanted." I don't want to look like that girl (anymore than I already do).
I had a brief conversation with him via text. I told him that today can go fuck itself. He said "sorry..." There was some other stuff, where I asked what he was doing, he told me. I left it alone after a certain point. Because I knew better.
I wanted to ask if I could come over. I wanted to get in trouble. I wanted the distraction from being upset about the commercial. I wanted to take my anger out on him. I also wanted to get my stuff back (which I had asked for earlier in the day). I composed, but never sent, a series of texts, trying to find a way to ask to come over without seeming like I wanted anything more than my stuff. And I realized, there was no way that would fly. I also realized I was scared he'd say no, and then I would be rejected on top of being angry. I was also scared he had a guest or something. Point is, I am always scared when it comes to interacting with him, and I fucking hate it. I'm tired of it.
I know that when I ask for things from him, he rarely gives them. The very act of me wanting something is enough for him to say no. It's fucked up. In the past, when I have pulled away in some fashion, he then reaches out or gets upset with me or whatever. He knows I want my stuff back, so what does he do? Reaches out and expresses sympathy for me losing a job that he didn't even congratulate me for when I told him about it. I can't even...it makes no sense. I feel like we're dancing around something unsaid right now, and neither one of us is willing to put it out there baldly, because neither one of us wants the rejection. We're both hot messes, really. He just hasn't really seen or experienced the full level of me being a bitch. I keep that shit quiet. I'm so nice. I've been so nice, understanding, fair, sweet, etc. And that's all me, it is who I am. It's just that I've been pushed too close to the point of no return concerning the amount of shit I am willing to take. And that's not good--not only is it unfair and miserable, but it also means that I am more likely to fly off the handle, be judgemental, be unfair in return and be cruel.
I watched my behavior and reactions the last few days, and I realized that I am looking both for attention and ways to punish him. In other words, it's the exact behavior that I used to pull with my dad when I was younger. I was so pissed at him for so long that all I could do was be mean, be withholding, be angry, even though all I wanted was positive attention. He really pushed me to the edge a few years ago, and I walked away. I didn't speak to him for months. I just gave up on the relationship, until I did the landmark course. That repaired the relationship. And it was because I dropped my end of it and just stopped seeking things from him. Once I did that, he gave me exactly what I was looking for.
So, I understand that this might be the key here, too. If I can drop it and stop seeking, I may get what I wanted all along. I may not, too.
I am trying so hard to not fall into old thinking patterns that are damaging to me (even more than I already have). I have these fearful suspicions that I can't prove, and they weigh on me, they pick at me, and it's all based in my fears of not being enough. That somehow, I don't measure up, which is why this person is so wishy-washy with me. It's old shit of mine. It hurts and it's not helpful. It's old fear, from old situations, triggered by certain things.
I think I need to go to bed.
I slept in. I ignored my phone. I bailed on plans. I woke up pissed off at the guy and pissed off in general.
My friend ended up getting me to come over to her place and just sit on her couch, so I wasn't sitting in bed. I wrote for a while, bitched about some stuff, but was just in a mood. I found out while I was there that I was released from the avail I was on, which means that I did not book the commercial that I was being held for--so that sucks a lot. I put a mention of that up on Facebook, then went on my way to my pole class.
I got to class pissed off and emotional. I was emotional all through our warm up, and slightly distracted during our tricks, although I managed to get some good work in. During our last two dances, I was not feeling the one song and kind of just angry--during the last one, which was meant to be an emotional, get out of your head dance, I pretty much just laid in one spot on the floor, moving occasionally, but just leaking tears. I was just so tired and angry and hurt and disappointed and overwhelmed.
When I went to leave class, I checked my phone, and to my surprise, found a text from the guy, expressing sympathy over me losing the commercial. It pissed me off. It's not that I don't appreciate the sympathy, I do. I understand he was trying to be nice. But that's the issue for me--the times he reaches out and is nice to me, it's almost making things worse. Because then I am reminded that maybe he does care, and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's borderline emotionally abusive, and I don't even know if he's aware of it. Maybe he's just trying to be a friend. I don't know. This entire thing is not right, though. I keep wanting to really tell him off. I want to stand up and say, "THIS IS NOT RIGHT." But I haven't. Every time I write a pissed off email that I never send, I look at it and think, "This just reads like a rejected girl whining because she didn't get what she wanted." I don't want to look like that girl (anymore than I already do).
I had a brief conversation with him via text. I told him that today can go fuck itself. He said "sorry..." There was some other stuff, where I asked what he was doing, he told me. I left it alone after a certain point. Because I knew better.
I wanted to ask if I could come over. I wanted to get in trouble. I wanted the distraction from being upset about the commercial. I wanted to take my anger out on him. I also wanted to get my stuff back (which I had asked for earlier in the day). I composed, but never sent, a series of texts, trying to find a way to ask to come over without seeming like I wanted anything more than my stuff. And I realized, there was no way that would fly. I also realized I was scared he'd say no, and then I would be rejected on top of being angry. I was also scared he had a guest or something. Point is, I am always scared when it comes to interacting with him, and I fucking hate it. I'm tired of it.
I know that when I ask for things from him, he rarely gives them. The very act of me wanting something is enough for him to say no. It's fucked up. In the past, when I have pulled away in some fashion, he then reaches out or gets upset with me or whatever. He knows I want my stuff back, so what does he do? Reaches out and expresses sympathy for me losing a job that he didn't even congratulate me for when I told him about it. I can't even...it makes no sense. I feel like we're dancing around something unsaid right now, and neither one of us is willing to put it out there baldly, because neither one of us wants the rejection. We're both hot messes, really. He just hasn't really seen or experienced the full level of me being a bitch. I keep that shit quiet. I'm so nice. I've been so nice, understanding, fair, sweet, etc. And that's all me, it is who I am. It's just that I've been pushed too close to the point of no return concerning the amount of shit I am willing to take. And that's not good--not only is it unfair and miserable, but it also means that I am more likely to fly off the handle, be judgemental, be unfair in return and be cruel.
I watched my behavior and reactions the last few days, and I realized that I am looking both for attention and ways to punish him. In other words, it's the exact behavior that I used to pull with my dad when I was younger. I was so pissed at him for so long that all I could do was be mean, be withholding, be angry, even though all I wanted was positive attention. He really pushed me to the edge a few years ago, and I walked away. I didn't speak to him for months. I just gave up on the relationship, until I did the landmark course. That repaired the relationship. And it was because I dropped my end of it and just stopped seeking things from him. Once I did that, he gave me exactly what I was looking for.
So, I understand that this might be the key here, too. If I can drop it and stop seeking, I may get what I wanted all along. I may not, too.
I am trying so hard to not fall into old thinking patterns that are damaging to me (even more than I already have). I have these fearful suspicions that I can't prove, and they weigh on me, they pick at me, and it's all based in my fears of not being enough. That somehow, I don't measure up, which is why this person is so wishy-washy with me. It's old shit of mine. It hurts and it's not helpful. It's old fear, from old situations, triggered by certain things.
I think I need to go to bed.