i got a long way to go, getting further away
elliot smith lyric for the subject line.
i had reached a point yesterday where i was gearing up to send an email to the guy, clearly stating what i want and deserve, and walking away. i was going to wait until monday to send it, because i had sent a text to him on thursday, asking to get together and hang out so i could get my stuff back, and hadn't heard back. cut to yesterday evening, when he begins to text me, implying he's interested in hanging out, working a lot, asks how i'm doing. i ignore it, annoyed.
something like an hour or so later, another text, asking what i am doing that night. i ignore it for 45 minutes, respond that i am busy until after 10. he tells me he was going to see a movie and wanted to know if i wanted to come along. after being a bit of a smart ass and replying to his intention to "heavily flirt" and a few flirty texts with more smart ass comments, i agreed to go meet him for a late movie.
i stopped by his place, so we could carpool (which really makes no sense, because i live closer to the theatre, but whatever). he was outside, talking to his neighbor about her new boyfriend. he introduced me, i sat and listened, and i realized that i was taking everything he said personally. every time he made a positive comment about a relationship, all i heard was, "...except i don't want that with you." at one point, he made a crack about being an asshole, and i chimed in that he really was one, which made him laugh a little. he's not entirely used to me being a smart ass or cynical or bitchy. the neighbor asked how we knew each other, and it took a moment for us to answer. i ended up giving her a short version of how we met, and he tried to correct me on a point, but i overrode him pretty sternly, because i know i am right. also, i'm a bit of a bitch when i know i am right and someone else is wrong. i correct without thinking. it's literally second nature, i can't help myself. he backed off.
after we went inside, he gave me a hug, asked where i was coming from that i looked so cute, asked me if i wanted anything. we chatted about the commercial he shot, during which he again managed to say something that i took personally. i called him out on never responding to a text i sent about my own commercial avail the other week, and he insisted he had replied to it, and checked his phone to make the point that he had replied. i never got a reply. he could have been faking the entire thing. i don't trust him to not lie, even though that's the dumbest thing to lie about.
anyway, we went to the movies. he drove and opened the car door for me, which threw me a bit--i associate that with a polite date move. we chatted about west wing, he told me i need to go to his acupuncturist and stop going to my old one (mine is $30 more expensive per visit than his is). i made some comment about a west wing episode that gave me goosebumps, and he flirted and joked about how he thought those were for him. i shot back something filthy, because it's me, and i am just programmed that way. i can't help it. my brain just goes there. i've long been told that i am too smart for my own good, and that it specifically shows itself in my quick responses to shit. as i was saying it, i knew it was not the reaction to give. he laughed and gave me this look he gives that i can't really explain, i usually associate it with surprise. when we got to the theatre, i was walking in front of him, and he commented that i smelled good and looked good, made some remark about whether or not it was for him. i shot back something sarcastic to imply he was wrong.
he paid for the tickets--he had already bought them online. i offered money, he declined. he opened all doors for me, again. i offered to buy his movie snack, he declined. after we sat down, he told me he wanted to make an observation and didn't want me to take it the wrong way, because it was a compliment. he then proceeded to tell me he thought i should wear more skirts, because i have a sexy body, and he thinks i would look great in skirts. i was a strange combination of weirded out and shocked. who says that? and, ps, it comes across as manipulative. i asked him where that came from, and he mumbled something about a girl in the row ahead of us wearing a skirt (she had some horrible floral thing on with leggings) and that he'd been thinking about me in skirts or something to that effect. it was a weird comment. i mentioned that i was going to wear a dress that night, but i had an ace bandage on my knee and was all bruised up, so i chose pants. and that i wear dresses and skirts almost all summer. but that comment stuck with me. it was just so weird.
the movie was awful. i was both bored and overstimulated by the noise/visuals, which made me twice as tired. it was his choice, he wanted to see it. i didn't really care, i'll see most movies. he got a text during the movie from a girl i know he used to date, whom he calls his friend and seems close with, and he replied to it, but i didn't see the conversation. at one point, he got up to leave, and i was totally suspicious of why, because i don't trust him. by that point, i was so tired and just generally put off by him that all i wanted to do was go home.
again, on the walk out of the theatre, he opened all doors, ushering me through them, and opened my car door. i was near silent on the ride home, because i was tired and so put off by his behavior. we chatted a little bit, he asked if i'd been to some bar we passed and what i had planned for the next day. i told him, then out of being polite, asked what he was up to. he proceeded to tell me his work schedule for the next week and a half, which was unnecessary. i wasn't asking him to hang out, nor did i ask for when he was free or what he was up to all week. i literally asked just because he asked me. i asked him again where the skirt comment came from, and he said something to the effect of that he thinks i am sexy and have a phenomenal body, and i'd rock skirts. i left it alone after that. i fished for my keys in the car, then had them out by the time we parked. he told me he would invite me in, but he would probably fall asleep on me. i said i was tired and just wanted to go home, which had to have been obvious. he gave me a long hug, where he held me for a minute, and i ended up rubbing his back for a second and asking if he was doing okay, because it threw me off that he did that. he said he was just enjoying hugging me and asked if that was okay. i wanted to kick him in the junk. he's fucking ridiculous. he thanked me for coming out last minute and said it was cool of me or something like that.
i didn't ask to make plans with him or when i could see him again. i just said i'd be in touch. it was awkward. he asked me to text him when i got home so he knew i was safe, but i didn't, i waited until the next morning.
i spent the entire rest of the evening feeling creeped out. not so much creeped out, but put off, alienated, weirded out, etc. i took too many things personally when i was listening to him talk, all of it from the standpoint of, "oh, so everything you're saying is just implying that i'm somehow not good enough for your standards of being close to." then the number of compliments about my looking cute or being sexy or having a great body...the flirting just icked me out. i have issues with feeling objectified, because of my history, and i react pretty strongly to anything i perceive in that light. i once really got pissy with an ex for a comment he made that was actually more vulgar than anything this guy said to me last night. the ex had no idea it would piss me off so much, and when i snapped at him, he was shocked and a little upset that i had been so upset by it--not because he thought i was wrong, but because it threw him off that i was so reactionary. anyway, i know i have a history with really resenting that type of thing and really being uncomfortable with it, to the point that i will hide or run away from it. i felt objectified last night, because after taking so much stuff personally about how i was somehow not good enough to share with or be with, i was on the receiving end of compliments that were all related to my attractiveness. i ended up feeling like i have no value to him beyond how i look and how attracted he is to me. it was horrible to feel, and the worst part is, while i know a lot of it is based in my reaction to things, a part of me wonders if it's actually the truth. which makes me feel even worse.
i spent all day today exhausted and talking about it, thinking about it. i know i'm in reaction and disgusted as a result. i also know that i am starting to look at him through the prism of disliking him and not feeling connected to him. also that i don't know that i want to connect to him any longer. i'm just uncomfortable and disappointed and kind of disgusted by all of it.
i agreed to hang out with him because i wanted to see what he did. and i think i wanted more ammo to dislike him, so i could send that email. he didn't do anything offensive enough to warrant the email, so that is on hold. if he'd tried to put a move on me, then i could send it or have said something. he was smart enough to hold back on that. maybe it was what i needed to really be annoyed enough to let go and walk away, lose interest, etc. because i certainly am less enamoured with him than i was, even though i am still spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about him and everything. i do think he's less special, and i don't have as much empathy for his fear and insecurities. i see the ways he's incredibly controlling and am wondering if he's actually more manipulative than i thought. i see that when i lose interest or disengage, he clicks back in to try to get my attention, which is shitty. i see more and more that he's a lost cause on every level, possibly even a human level. some small part of me does still care about him, does still have some kind of an interest in him, but there's so much shit on top of it that it's hard to connect with anything positive or redeeming.
i have no idea what will happen at this point. i am trying to fill my time with other things, keep busy, focus on my own life and my own work, pull myself out of my dark depression place and be more functional. this has sucked the life out of me for three months. three. months. i cannot believe that. i look at that and think, "what the hell was i doing with those months?" i can't even tell you, because i don't know. i slept through them and was in my head. my positive gains? i've lost weight from my pole class, am a stronger pole dancer, and i was on avail for a commercial. and i have the freelance copy writing gig. i really don't have any other huge things that are coming to mind. that's sad. and i'm still sort of stuck in a place of wanting from him--it's pure validation, i know it. i watch myself seek it and am kind of grossed out, but i also purely recognize that it is just that one part of me. i see what it is, and i'm not totally driven by it, which is a step forward. so, that's something.
i had reached a point yesterday where i was gearing up to send an email to the guy, clearly stating what i want and deserve, and walking away. i was going to wait until monday to send it, because i had sent a text to him on thursday, asking to get together and hang out so i could get my stuff back, and hadn't heard back. cut to yesterday evening, when he begins to text me, implying he's interested in hanging out, working a lot, asks how i'm doing. i ignore it, annoyed.
something like an hour or so later, another text, asking what i am doing that night. i ignore it for 45 minutes, respond that i am busy until after 10. he tells me he was going to see a movie and wanted to know if i wanted to come along. after being a bit of a smart ass and replying to his intention to "heavily flirt" and a few flirty texts with more smart ass comments, i agreed to go meet him for a late movie.
i stopped by his place, so we could carpool (which really makes no sense, because i live closer to the theatre, but whatever). he was outside, talking to his neighbor about her new boyfriend. he introduced me, i sat and listened, and i realized that i was taking everything he said personally. every time he made a positive comment about a relationship, all i heard was, "...except i don't want that with you." at one point, he made a crack about being an asshole, and i chimed in that he really was one, which made him laugh a little. he's not entirely used to me being a smart ass or cynical or bitchy. the neighbor asked how we knew each other, and it took a moment for us to answer. i ended up giving her a short version of how we met, and he tried to correct me on a point, but i overrode him pretty sternly, because i know i am right. also, i'm a bit of a bitch when i know i am right and someone else is wrong. i correct without thinking. it's literally second nature, i can't help myself. he backed off.
after we went inside, he gave me a hug, asked where i was coming from that i looked so cute, asked me if i wanted anything. we chatted about the commercial he shot, during which he again managed to say something that i took personally. i called him out on never responding to a text i sent about my own commercial avail the other week, and he insisted he had replied to it, and checked his phone to make the point that he had replied. i never got a reply. he could have been faking the entire thing. i don't trust him to not lie, even though that's the dumbest thing to lie about.
anyway, we went to the movies. he drove and opened the car door for me, which threw me a bit--i associate that with a polite date move. we chatted about west wing, he told me i need to go to his acupuncturist and stop going to my old one (mine is $30 more expensive per visit than his is). i made some comment about a west wing episode that gave me goosebumps, and he flirted and joked about how he thought those were for him. i shot back something filthy, because it's me, and i am just programmed that way. i can't help it. my brain just goes there. i've long been told that i am too smart for my own good, and that it specifically shows itself in my quick responses to shit. as i was saying it, i knew it was not the reaction to give. he laughed and gave me this look he gives that i can't really explain, i usually associate it with surprise. when we got to the theatre, i was walking in front of him, and he commented that i smelled good and looked good, made some remark about whether or not it was for him. i shot back something sarcastic to imply he was wrong.
he paid for the tickets--he had already bought them online. i offered money, he declined. he opened all doors for me, again. i offered to buy his movie snack, he declined. after we sat down, he told me he wanted to make an observation and didn't want me to take it the wrong way, because it was a compliment. he then proceeded to tell me he thought i should wear more skirts, because i have a sexy body, and he thinks i would look great in skirts. i was a strange combination of weirded out and shocked. who says that? and, ps, it comes across as manipulative. i asked him where that came from, and he mumbled something about a girl in the row ahead of us wearing a skirt (she had some horrible floral thing on with leggings) and that he'd been thinking about me in skirts or something to that effect. it was a weird comment. i mentioned that i was going to wear a dress that night, but i had an ace bandage on my knee and was all bruised up, so i chose pants. and that i wear dresses and skirts almost all summer. but that comment stuck with me. it was just so weird.
the movie was awful. i was both bored and overstimulated by the noise/visuals, which made me twice as tired. it was his choice, he wanted to see it. i didn't really care, i'll see most movies. he got a text during the movie from a girl i know he used to date, whom he calls his friend and seems close with, and he replied to it, but i didn't see the conversation. at one point, he got up to leave, and i was totally suspicious of why, because i don't trust him. by that point, i was so tired and just generally put off by him that all i wanted to do was go home.
again, on the walk out of the theatre, he opened all doors, ushering me through them, and opened my car door. i was near silent on the ride home, because i was tired and so put off by his behavior. we chatted a little bit, he asked if i'd been to some bar we passed and what i had planned for the next day. i told him, then out of being polite, asked what he was up to. he proceeded to tell me his work schedule for the next week and a half, which was unnecessary. i wasn't asking him to hang out, nor did i ask for when he was free or what he was up to all week. i literally asked just because he asked me. i asked him again where the skirt comment came from, and he said something to the effect of that he thinks i am sexy and have a phenomenal body, and i'd rock skirts. i left it alone after that. i fished for my keys in the car, then had them out by the time we parked. he told me he would invite me in, but he would probably fall asleep on me. i said i was tired and just wanted to go home, which had to have been obvious. he gave me a long hug, where he held me for a minute, and i ended up rubbing his back for a second and asking if he was doing okay, because it threw me off that he did that. he said he was just enjoying hugging me and asked if that was okay. i wanted to kick him in the junk. he's fucking ridiculous. he thanked me for coming out last minute and said it was cool of me or something like that.
i didn't ask to make plans with him or when i could see him again. i just said i'd be in touch. it was awkward. he asked me to text him when i got home so he knew i was safe, but i didn't, i waited until the next morning.
i spent the entire rest of the evening feeling creeped out. not so much creeped out, but put off, alienated, weirded out, etc. i took too many things personally when i was listening to him talk, all of it from the standpoint of, "oh, so everything you're saying is just implying that i'm somehow not good enough for your standards of being close to." then the number of compliments about my looking cute or being sexy or having a great body...the flirting just icked me out. i have issues with feeling objectified, because of my history, and i react pretty strongly to anything i perceive in that light. i once really got pissy with an ex for a comment he made that was actually more vulgar than anything this guy said to me last night. the ex had no idea it would piss me off so much, and when i snapped at him, he was shocked and a little upset that i had been so upset by it--not because he thought i was wrong, but because it threw him off that i was so reactionary. anyway, i know i have a history with really resenting that type of thing and really being uncomfortable with it, to the point that i will hide or run away from it. i felt objectified last night, because after taking so much stuff personally about how i was somehow not good enough to share with or be with, i was on the receiving end of compliments that were all related to my attractiveness. i ended up feeling like i have no value to him beyond how i look and how attracted he is to me. it was horrible to feel, and the worst part is, while i know a lot of it is based in my reaction to things, a part of me wonders if it's actually the truth. which makes me feel even worse.
i spent all day today exhausted and talking about it, thinking about it. i know i'm in reaction and disgusted as a result. i also know that i am starting to look at him through the prism of disliking him and not feeling connected to him. also that i don't know that i want to connect to him any longer. i'm just uncomfortable and disappointed and kind of disgusted by all of it.
i agreed to hang out with him because i wanted to see what he did. and i think i wanted more ammo to dislike him, so i could send that email. he didn't do anything offensive enough to warrant the email, so that is on hold. if he'd tried to put a move on me, then i could send it or have said something. he was smart enough to hold back on that. maybe it was what i needed to really be annoyed enough to let go and walk away, lose interest, etc. because i certainly am less enamoured with him than i was, even though i am still spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about him and everything. i do think he's less special, and i don't have as much empathy for his fear and insecurities. i see the ways he's incredibly controlling and am wondering if he's actually more manipulative than i thought. i see that when i lose interest or disengage, he clicks back in to try to get my attention, which is shitty. i see more and more that he's a lost cause on every level, possibly even a human level. some small part of me does still care about him, does still have some kind of an interest in him, but there's so much shit on top of it that it's hard to connect with anything positive or redeeming.
i have no idea what will happen at this point. i am trying to fill my time with other things, keep busy, focus on my own life and my own work, pull myself out of my dark depression place and be more functional. this has sucked the life out of me for three months. three. months. i cannot believe that. i look at that and think, "what the hell was i doing with those months?" i can't even tell you, because i don't know. i slept through them and was in my head. my positive gains? i've lost weight from my pole class, am a stronger pole dancer, and i was on avail for a commercial. and i have the freelance copy writing gig. i really don't have any other huge things that are coming to mind. that's sad. and i'm still sort of stuck in a place of wanting from him--it's pure validation, i know it. i watch myself seek it and am kind of grossed out, but i also purely recognize that it is just that one part of me. i see what it is, and i'm not totally driven by it, which is a step forward. so, that's something.