edna the evil!
i would like to start this totally pointless entry by saying: IT IS ALL manx_and_shadow 'S FAULT, I SWEAR.
so i inserted a random costume person into my fic, because i needed someone and she was the first person i thought of. whatever, that's fine. and then she sows up again, but only fro a little bit! it's okay, you know, she doesn't have a big role.
then nim comments, and is like, I LOVE EDNA. WRITE MORE. and i am a crazy person who can't say no, so i agree. it's a tiny crack comment fic, all dialog, no descriptions.
and then i write ANOTHER. AND THEN ONE MORE, FOR GOOD MEASURE. and then i copy paste them into a document, so i can put them together and find them easily. and i check the word count, AND IT'S OVER A THOUSAND WORDS. AND NOT EVEN A REAL FIC. GAH.
title: three snapshots of edna and bradley
rating: pg-13
disclaimer: lies, crazy people, blah blah blah, no offense meant.
summary: three little moments with edna and bradley, with some katie, angel, and colin for good measure.
a/n: not a real fic, in script format because i wrote them very quickly. also, very sorry for any typos, i just posted them from comments with a small read through. and ALL CAPSLOCK.
BRADLEY: AND THEN, SHE ACCUSED ME OF STEALNG ARTHUR'S BOOTS!
ANGEL: *SIGHS* YOU DID STEAL THOSE BOOTS, BRADLEY.
BRADLEY: BUT SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO SAY THAT! SHE IS EDNA THE EVIL.
COLIN: *LOOKS AT BRADLEY URGENTLY. ELBOWS HIM GENTLY. NUDGES HIS FOOT*
BRADLEY: COLIN I AM BUSY.
KATIE: BRADLEY, PLEASE EXPAND ON THIS FASCINATING SUBJECT. IT IS SO INTERESTING.
BRADLEY: THANK YOU, KATIE. I BELIVE I WILL.
COLIN: *NUDGES BRADLEY REALLY URGENTLY*
BRADLEY: COLIN, STOP THAT. ANYWAY, I THINK SHE IS EVIL AND HER ONLY PLEASURE IN LIFE IS TORTURING ME. I BET SHE GOES HOME ALONE TO HER 30 CATS AND THINKS OF NEW WAYS TO TORTURE ME. SHE IS TRULY HORRIBLE.
KATIE: BRADLEY, YOU ARE AMAZING.
ANGEL: *SIGHS. LOUDLY*
COLIN: BRADLEY, I THINK WE NEED TO BE OVER THERE. RIGHT NOW. THIS VERY SECOND.
KATIE: COLIN, SHUT UP. TELL ME MORE, BRADDERS.
BRADLEY: SHE PROBABLY GETS OFF ON TORTURING ME. SHE IS -
EDNA (FROM BEHIND BRADLEY): I AM WHAT? THIS IS A FASCINATING DISCUSSION, YOU KNOW. AND I AM STILL LOOKING FOR ARTHUR'S BOOTS, BRADLEY.
BRADLEY: *DIES*
*
BRADLEY: ER, UM, EDNA. COULD I TALK TO YOU?
EDNA: BRADLEY I AM VERY BUSY RIGHT NOW. THIS BETTER BE IMPORTANT.
BRADLEY: WELL, YOU KNOW, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.
EDNA: FOR WHAT?
BRADLEY: FOR, ER, THE THINKGS I, UM, SAID. BEFORE. YOU KNOW.
EDNA: NO BRADLEY, I DO NOT KNOW. PLEASE EXPLAIN.
BRADLEY: WHEN I SAID THAT YOU WERE,
BRADLEY: *TWIDDLES THUMBS*
EDNA: THAT I WAS WHAT? REALLY, I'M FASCINATED.
BRADLEY (VERY QUICKLY AND QUIETLY): ANEVILPERSONWHO'SKINKISTORTURINGMEANDHASTHIRTYCATS.
EDNA: OH BRADLEY, YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
BRADLEY (RELIEVED): OH THANK GOD, YOU KNOW, I WAS JOKING ABOUT ALL OF THAT. INSIDE, I AM SURE YOU ARE A VERY SWEET PERSON.
EDNA: ALSO, I CERTAINLY DIDN'T POST THAT EXTREMELY INTERESTING PICTURE THAT I HAPPENED TO PICK UP WHILE TALKING TO YOU ON THE INTERNET.
BRADLEY: *STARES. GAPES. ATTEMPTS TO MAKE NOISE, BUT IT DOESN'T WORK*
EDNA: BY THE WAY, BRADLEY, I AM STILL LOOKING FOR ARTHUR'S SHIRT.
*
BRADLEY: COLLLLIIIIN, EDNA DOESN'T LIKE ME!
COLIN: YES SHE DOES, BRADDERS. SHE JUST SHOWS IT DIFFERENTLY.
KATIE: NO, SHE REALLY DOES DISLIKE YOU. QUITE REASONABLY, I MUST SAY.
COLIN: *REPRACHFUL LOOK*
KATIE: WHAT? JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH HIM, IT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO BE NICE TO HIM.
ANGEL: KATIE, DON'T BE MEAN.
BRADLEY: ANGEL, ANGEL ANGEL ANGEL, YOU SEE HOW SHE BULLIES ME, DON'T YOU?
ANGEL: WELL, BRADLEY, WHEN YOU INSULT PEOPLE, THEY GENERALLY DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR BEST FRIENDS.
BRADLEY: I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS LISTENING!
ANGEL: *SIGHS*
COLIN: LOOK BRADLEY, THERE'S EDNA NOW. YOU CAN TALK TO HER.
EDNA (WALKING OVER TO THEM): COLIN, DEARIE! HOW ARE YOU? HOW DID THAT SOUFFLE TURN OUT?
COLIN: I'M GREAT! THE SOUFFLE TURNED OUT WONDERFULLY, EDDIE. THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR HELP, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
EDNA: NO PROBLEM, COL. ANY TIME. KATIE AND ANGEL, SO NICE TO SEE YOU? HOW'S THAT FANFICTION I WAS HELPING YOU WITH?
KATIE: IT'S WONDERFUL, REALLY. DON'T YOU JUST LOVE TORCHWOOD?
EDNA: IT'S THE BEST SHOW IN THE WORLD.
ANGEL: I KNOW. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE ABOUT DIFFERENT POSITIONS!
EDNA: IT WAS A JOY TO HELP.
BRADLEY: HI, EDNA! HOW'S LIFE?
EDNA: HELLO, JAMES. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
BRADLEY: *INDIGNANT LOOK*
EDNA: AND WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT GETTING YOUR CLOTHES WET?
BRADLEY: BUT - BUT - BUT COLIN'S WETTER THAN I AM! NO FAIR!
EDNA: DON'T MAKE EXCUSES, IT'S UNBECOMING. AND BRADLEY, I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN ABOUT ARTHUR'S BOOTS.
*
BRADLEY: *BARGES INTO THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT LOUDLY, NOT LOOKING.*
BRADLEY: EDNA I HAVE COME TO APOLO- OHMYGOD WHO IS THAT WOMAN AND WHY IS YOUR HAND DOWN HER PANTS?
EDNA: I THINK YOU CAN FIGURE THAT OUT BY YOURSELF, BRADLEY. YOU ARE CHALLENGED, I KNOW, BUT SEX IS FAIRLY FAMILIAR TO YOU, AT LEAST ACCORDING TO THOSE PICTURES.
BRADLEY: THAT DOES NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION.
EDNA'S MYSTERY WOMAN: HELLO, BRADLEY. I HAVE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU. IT IS SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
BRADLEY: IT IS VERY NICE TO MEE-WHERE ARE YOUR HANDS RIGHT NOW? OH GOD, THEY ARE N HER BRA, AREN'T THEY? I MAY DIE RIGHT NOW.
EDNA: BRADLEY, THIS IS HEATHER. MY GIRLFRIEND, AND A PART TIME MODEL. YOU MAY RECOGNIZE HER FROM VOGUE.
HEATHER: *GIVES EDNA A KISS. A RATHER LONG ONE. INVOLVING TONGUE AND A BIT OF GROPING.*
BRADLEY: NGNGHHHGNG
EDNA: I'M SORRY, BRADLEY. TO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME KISSING MY GIRLFRIEND?
HEATHER: AW, DON'T BE MEAN. I THINK HE'S CUTE.
BRADLEY: THANK YOU!
HEATHER: ALTHOUGH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT THE ANNOYING PART.
EDNA: YES, AND HE STEALS CLOTHING.
BRADLEY: I DO NOT!
KATIE (WALKS IN): OH YES YOU DO. HEY, HEATHER.
HEATHER: HEY KATIE! HOW ARE YOU? I TRIED THAT FIC YOU RECCED, AND I LOVED IT! THANK YOU!
KATIE: NO PROBLEM, OF COURSE. MY PLEASURE. HOW'S YOUR SGA FIC COMING ALONG?
EDNA: OH, THE REALLY HOT GAY ONE?
HEATHER: YEAH, EDDIE. I THOUGHT PORN WOULD BE HARD TO WRITE, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY FUN!
KATIE: I KNOW!
EDNA: I'M HAPPY, BABY. CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT.
BRADLEY (BREAKING IN): GUH.
KATIE: HEY, BRADLEY. WHY ARE YOU HERE? COLIN IS LOOKING SUSPICIOUSLY NON-RAVISHED, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.
BRADLEY: REALLY? NON-RAVISHED? I MUST GO CORRECT THAT IMMEDIATELY!
KATIE: RUN ALONG, PUPPY.
BRADLEY: HEY! AND ALSO, HOW DID YOU KNOW HEATHER?
KATIE: I'VE KNOWN HER SINCE WE STARTED FILMING HERE, IDIOT. HOW DID YOU MISS THAT?
EDNA: I WAS ATTEMPTING TO AVOID THE INEVITABLE OGLING OF MY GIRLFRIEND'S BREASTS.
HEATHER: FAIR ENOUGH, BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S WORKING.
EDNA: BRADLEY. EYES UP HERE, REALLY, OR I MAY KILL YOU.
BRADLEY (DISTRACTED BY HEATHER'S AWESOME CLEAVAGE, POSSIBLY BETTER THAN KATIE'S): YEAH? YEAH, TOTALLY! OF COURSE.
EDNA: REALLY, BRADLEY, EVERY MOMENT WITH YOU IS LIKE STABBING OUT MY OWN EYES, BUT TEN TIMES MORE PAINFUL.
HEATHER: HEY, I LIKE HIM. A BIT. DON'T BE TOO CRUEL!
EDNA (IN A SEDUCING VOICE): THAN I THINK I NEED SOMETHING TO DISTRACT ME, BABY.
HEATHER: DOES THIS WORK?
HEATHER AND EDNA: *START MAKING OUT, AND SOMEHOW END UP ROLLING ON THE COUCH, RAPIDLY DISCARDING CLOTHES*
KATIE: YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING! THIS IS JUST THE INSPIRATION I NEED FOR MY NEXT PICSPAM.
EDNA (BREATHILY, TAKING A SHORT BREAK FROM BITING HEATHER'S NECK): I'M HAPPY TO BE OF HELP.
BRADLEY: I LOVE YOU ALL.
KATIE: WAIT, HE'S STILL HERE?
KATIE: *DUMPS BRADLEY OUT OF THE TRAILOR, SLAMS THE DOOR*
EDNA (SHOUTING, WITH MOANS INTERSPERSED BETWEEN WORDS): AND I STILL EXPECT ARTHUR'S LEATHER JACKET TO REAPEAR AGAIN!
so i inserted a random costume person into my fic, because i needed someone and she was the first person i thought of. whatever, that's fine. and then she sows up again, but only fro a little bit! it's okay, you know, she doesn't have a big role.
then nim comments, and is like, I LOVE EDNA. WRITE MORE. and i am a crazy person who can't say no, so i agree. it's a tiny crack comment fic, all dialog, no descriptions.
and then i write ANOTHER. AND THEN ONE MORE, FOR GOOD MEASURE. and then i copy paste them into a document, so i can put them together and find them easily. and i check the word count, AND IT'S OVER A THOUSAND WORDS. AND NOT EVEN A REAL FIC. GAH.
title: three snapshots of edna and bradley
rating: pg-13
disclaimer: lies, crazy people, blah blah blah, no offense meant.
summary: three little moments with edna and bradley, with some katie, angel, and colin for good measure.
a/n: not a real fic, in script format because i wrote them very quickly. also, very sorry for any typos, i just posted them from comments with a small read through. and ALL CAPSLOCK.
BRADLEY: AND THEN, SHE ACCUSED ME OF STEALNG ARTHUR'S BOOTS!
ANGEL: *SIGHS* YOU DID STEAL THOSE BOOTS, BRADLEY.
BRADLEY: BUT SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO SAY THAT! SHE IS EDNA THE EVIL.
COLIN: *LOOKS AT BRADLEY URGENTLY. ELBOWS HIM GENTLY. NUDGES HIS FOOT*
BRADLEY: COLIN I AM BUSY.
KATIE: BRADLEY, PLEASE EXPAND ON THIS FASCINATING SUBJECT. IT IS SO INTERESTING.
BRADLEY: THANK YOU, KATIE. I BELIVE I WILL.
COLIN: *NUDGES BRADLEY REALLY URGENTLY*
BRADLEY: COLIN, STOP THAT. ANYWAY, I THINK SHE IS EVIL AND HER ONLY PLEASURE IN LIFE IS TORTURING ME. I BET SHE GOES HOME ALONE TO HER 30 CATS AND THINKS OF NEW WAYS TO TORTURE ME. SHE IS TRULY HORRIBLE.
KATIE: BRADLEY, YOU ARE AMAZING.
ANGEL: *SIGHS. LOUDLY*
COLIN: BRADLEY, I THINK WE NEED TO BE OVER THERE. RIGHT NOW. THIS VERY SECOND.
KATIE: COLIN, SHUT UP. TELL ME MORE, BRADDERS.
BRADLEY: SHE PROBABLY GETS OFF ON TORTURING ME. SHE IS -
EDNA (FROM BEHIND BRADLEY): I AM WHAT? THIS IS A FASCINATING DISCUSSION, YOU KNOW. AND I AM STILL LOOKING FOR ARTHUR'S BOOTS, BRADLEY.
BRADLEY: *DIES*
*
BRADLEY: ER, UM, EDNA. COULD I TALK TO YOU?
EDNA: BRADLEY I AM VERY BUSY RIGHT NOW. THIS BETTER BE IMPORTANT.
BRADLEY: WELL, YOU KNOW, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.
EDNA: FOR WHAT?
BRADLEY: FOR, ER, THE THINKGS I, UM, SAID. BEFORE. YOU KNOW.
EDNA: NO BRADLEY, I DO NOT KNOW. PLEASE EXPLAIN.
BRADLEY: WHEN I SAID THAT YOU WERE,
BRADLEY: *TWIDDLES THUMBS*
EDNA: THAT I WAS WHAT? REALLY, I'M FASCINATED.
BRADLEY (VERY QUICKLY AND QUIETLY): ANEVILPERSONWHO'SKINKISTORTURINGMEANDHASTHIRTYCATS.
EDNA: OH BRADLEY, YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
BRADLEY (RELIEVED): OH THANK GOD, YOU KNOW, I WAS JOKING ABOUT ALL OF THAT. INSIDE, I AM SURE YOU ARE A VERY SWEET PERSON.
EDNA: ALSO, I CERTAINLY DIDN'T POST THAT EXTREMELY INTERESTING PICTURE THAT I HAPPENED TO PICK UP WHILE TALKING TO YOU ON THE INTERNET.
BRADLEY: *STARES. GAPES. ATTEMPTS TO MAKE NOISE, BUT IT DOESN'T WORK*
EDNA: BY THE WAY, BRADLEY, I AM STILL LOOKING FOR ARTHUR'S SHIRT.
*
BRADLEY: COLLLLIIIIN, EDNA DOESN'T LIKE ME!
COLIN: YES SHE DOES, BRADDERS. SHE JUST SHOWS IT DIFFERENTLY.
KATIE: NO, SHE REALLY DOES DISLIKE YOU. QUITE REASONABLY, I MUST SAY.
COLIN: *REPRACHFUL LOOK*
KATIE: WHAT? JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH HIM, IT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO BE NICE TO HIM.
ANGEL: KATIE, DON'T BE MEAN.
BRADLEY: ANGEL, ANGEL ANGEL ANGEL, YOU SEE HOW SHE BULLIES ME, DON'T YOU?
ANGEL: WELL, BRADLEY, WHEN YOU INSULT PEOPLE, THEY GENERALLY DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR BEST FRIENDS.
BRADLEY: I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS LISTENING!
ANGEL: *SIGHS*
COLIN: LOOK BRADLEY, THERE'S EDNA NOW. YOU CAN TALK TO HER.
EDNA (WALKING OVER TO THEM): COLIN, DEARIE! HOW ARE YOU? HOW DID THAT SOUFFLE TURN OUT?
COLIN: I'M GREAT! THE SOUFFLE TURNED OUT WONDERFULLY, EDDIE. THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR HELP, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
EDNA: NO PROBLEM, COL. ANY TIME. KATIE AND ANGEL, SO NICE TO SEE YOU? HOW'S THAT FANFICTION I WAS HELPING YOU WITH?
KATIE: IT'S WONDERFUL, REALLY. DON'T YOU JUST LOVE TORCHWOOD?
EDNA: IT'S THE BEST SHOW IN THE WORLD.
ANGEL: I KNOW. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE ABOUT DIFFERENT POSITIONS!
EDNA: IT WAS A JOY TO HELP.
BRADLEY: HI, EDNA! HOW'S LIFE?
EDNA: HELLO, JAMES. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
BRADLEY: *INDIGNANT LOOK*
EDNA: AND WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT GETTING YOUR CLOTHES WET?
BRADLEY: BUT - BUT - BUT COLIN'S WETTER THAN I AM! NO FAIR!
EDNA: DON'T MAKE EXCUSES, IT'S UNBECOMING. AND BRADLEY, I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN ABOUT ARTHUR'S BOOTS.
*
BRADLEY: *BARGES INTO THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT LOUDLY, NOT LOOKING.*
BRADLEY: EDNA I HAVE COME TO APOLO- OHMYGOD WHO IS THAT WOMAN AND WHY IS YOUR HAND DOWN HER PANTS?
EDNA: I THINK YOU CAN FIGURE THAT OUT BY YOURSELF, BRADLEY. YOU ARE CHALLENGED, I KNOW, BUT SEX IS FAIRLY FAMILIAR TO YOU, AT LEAST ACCORDING TO THOSE PICTURES.
BRADLEY: THAT DOES NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION.
EDNA'S MYSTERY WOMAN: HELLO, BRADLEY. I HAVE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU. IT IS SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
BRADLEY: IT IS VERY NICE TO MEE-WHERE ARE YOUR HANDS RIGHT NOW? OH GOD, THEY ARE N HER BRA, AREN'T THEY? I MAY DIE RIGHT NOW.
EDNA: BRADLEY, THIS IS HEATHER. MY GIRLFRIEND, AND A PART TIME MODEL. YOU MAY RECOGNIZE HER FROM VOGUE.
HEATHER: *GIVES EDNA A KISS. A RATHER LONG ONE. INVOLVING TONGUE AND A BIT OF GROPING.*
BRADLEY: NGNGHHHGNG
EDNA: I'M SORRY, BRADLEY. TO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME KISSING MY GIRLFRIEND?
HEATHER: AW, DON'T BE MEAN. I THINK HE'S CUTE.
BRADLEY: THANK YOU!
HEATHER: ALTHOUGH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT THE ANNOYING PART.
EDNA: YES, AND HE STEALS CLOTHING.
BRADLEY: I DO NOT!
KATIE (WALKS IN): OH YES YOU DO. HEY, HEATHER.
HEATHER: HEY KATIE! HOW ARE YOU? I TRIED THAT FIC YOU RECCED, AND I LOVED IT! THANK YOU!
KATIE: NO PROBLEM, OF COURSE. MY PLEASURE. HOW'S YOUR SGA FIC COMING ALONG?
EDNA: OH, THE REALLY HOT GAY ONE?
HEATHER: YEAH, EDDIE. I THOUGHT PORN WOULD BE HARD TO WRITE, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY FUN!
KATIE: I KNOW!
EDNA: I'M HAPPY, BABY. CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT.
BRADLEY (BREAKING IN): GUH.
KATIE: HEY, BRADLEY. WHY ARE YOU HERE? COLIN IS LOOKING SUSPICIOUSLY NON-RAVISHED, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.
BRADLEY: REALLY? NON-RAVISHED? I MUST GO CORRECT THAT IMMEDIATELY!
KATIE: RUN ALONG, PUPPY.
BRADLEY: HEY! AND ALSO, HOW DID YOU KNOW HEATHER?
KATIE: I'VE KNOWN HER SINCE WE STARTED FILMING HERE, IDIOT. HOW DID YOU MISS THAT?
EDNA: I WAS ATTEMPTING TO AVOID THE INEVITABLE OGLING OF MY GIRLFRIEND'S BREASTS.
HEATHER: FAIR ENOUGH, BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S WORKING.
EDNA: BRADLEY. EYES UP HERE, REALLY, OR I MAY KILL YOU.
BRADLEY (DISTRACTED BY HEATHER'S AWESOME CLEAVAGE, POSSIBLY BETTER THAN KATIE'S): YEAH? YEAH, TOTALLY! OF COURSE.
EDNA: REALLY, BRADLEY, EVERY MOMENT WITH YOU IS LIKE STABBING OUT MY OWN EYES, BUT TEN TIMES MORE PAINFUL.
HEATHER: HEY, I LIKE HIM. A BIT. DON'T BE TOO CRUEL!
EDNA (IN A SEDUCING VOICE): THAN I THINK I NEED SOMETHING TO DISTRACT ME, BABY.
HEATHER: DOES THIS WORK?
HEATHER AND EDNA: *START MAKING OUT, AND SOMEHOW END UP ROLLING ON THE COUCH, RAPIDLY DISCARDING CLOTHES*
KATIE: YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING! THIS IS JUST THE INSPIRATION I NEED FOR MY NEXT PICSPAM.
EDNA (BREATHILY, TAKING A SHORT BREAK FROM BITING HEATHER'S NECK): I'M HAPPY TO BE OF HELP.
BRADLEY: I LOVE YOU ALL.
KATIE: WAIT, HE'S STILL HERE?
KATIE: *DUMPS BRADLEY OUT OF THE TRAILOR, SLAMS THE DOOR*
EDNA (SHOUTING, WITH MOANS INTERSPERSED BETWEEN WORDS): AND I STILL EXPECT ARTHUR'S LEATHER JACKET TO REAPEAR AGAIN!