N - X - I - E - T
I do not know exactly what it is but my anxiety is really severe.
I have come to realize that things are not getting better or more positive or whatever, just that the time between my "ups" and "downs" is becoming shorter and that said "ups" and "downs" are becoming more extreme.
I have a lot I want to write, most of it based on misanthropic anxiety, but what's the point? I am not sure if I am on an "up" or a "down" right now. There are several things in my life that seem to be good and positive and they make me happy. On the other hand, there is a lot that is stressing me out and there is always the neverending self-loathing negativity. (How can I be positive about life when I hate myself, the world and believe that I would be better off dead? Not that I am going to try an kill myself but that is how I feel.)
A friend invited me to a surprise birthday party last night. I think that is one of the main things that is stressing me out. I cannot exactly explain why in coherent terms, but I have a very uneasy feeling about the whole thing. The party is for one of my brothers (which is reason in itself not to go) but it is one month before his actual birthday and just the time and everything about it doesn't seem right. I realize that having it now makes it less stressful during the holdiay season, but could they not have waited just one week for my parents to return from Florida? I have this feeling that there is going to be some sort of negative confrontation that I am going to just walk right in to, rather than just a night of light drinks and idle chatter which it is supposed to be.
Of course it sounds crazy but I am sort of fearing for my life. The whole family pretty much knows the reason why I am in therapy, so it really would not be too hard for my brothers to permanently silence me. Not that I have it in my current frame of mind to confront them about the past abuse, even though I would love to. Really though, what good would it do now? The nightmares, the terror, the dissociation - none of that would stop just because the family's dirty laundry is displayed for all to see. My life has been thouroughly destroyed by them as it is, why aggravate it more? I just do not have the strength in me and I am just so tired of everything.
Sorry for the rambling. It is just the paranoia setting in as I lose my mind. :P
Oh yeah, got financial situation sorted out as much as can be for now. Everything is okay, and everything is not okay. Lots of ups and downs, but I'll just wait it out like I always do. This time though, I have the purr of a cat to help me through.
So tired...
I have come to realize that things are not getting better or more positive or whatever, just that the time between my "ups" and "downs" is becoming shorter and that said "ups" and "downs" are becoming more extreme.
I have a lot I want to write, most of it based on misanthropic anxiety, but what's the point? I am not sure if I am on an "up" or a "down" right now. There are several things in my life that seem to be good and positive and they make me happy. On the other hand, there is a lot that is stressing me out and there is always the neverending self-loathing negativity. (How can I be positive about life when I hate myself, the world and believe that I would be better off dead? Not that I am going to try an kill myself but that is how I feel.)
A friend invited me to a surprise birthday party last night. I think that is one of the main things that is stressing me out. I cannot exactly explain why in coherent terms, but I have a very uneasy feeling about the whole thing. The party is for one of my brothers (which is reason in itself not to go) but it is one month before his actual birthday and just the time and everything about it doesn't seem right. I realize that having it now makes it less stressful during the holdiay season, but could they not have waited just one week for my parents to return from Florida? I have this feeling that there is going to be some sort of negative confrontation that I am going to just walk right in to, rather than just a night of light drinks and idle chatter which it is supposed to be.
Of course it sounds crazy but I am sort of fearing for my life. The whole family pretty much knows the reason why I am in therapy, so it really would not be too hard for my brothers to permanently silence me. Not that I have it in my current frame of mind to confront them about the past abuse, even though I would love to. Really though, what good would it do now? The nightmares, the terror, the dissociation - none of that would stop just because the family's dirty laundry is displayed for all to see. My life has been thouroughly destroyed by them as it is, why aggravate it more? I just do not have the strength in me and I am just so tired of everything.
Sorry for the rambling. It is just the paranoia setting in as I lose my mind. :P
Oh yeah, got financial situation sorted out as much as can be for now. Everything is okay, and everything is not okay. Lots of ups and downs, but I'll just wait it out like I always do. This time though, I have the purr of a cat to help me through.
So tired...