Comments | seize_thenight: who am I?

messiah_me in seize_thenight

who am I?

Nov 30, 2006 00:24

None of this made sense any more. They have tried to explain to me who I am, even told me what I used to do and it all sounds like something from a bad movie. I know I told them I wanted the truth and all of it, but parts of me wonder if that was the smartest choice I could have made ( Read more... )

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pryce_less December 9 2006, 05:40:48 UTC

"Please just be honest with me. I am tired of half truths and no truths at all. As for finding some other way to get my memories back, what do you have in mind? Do I need to chant and stand on one foot and wear cheap clothing made in sweat shops in mexico?"

I gave her a gaze.

"Cordelia, really..."

"Seriously though, if you have some idea of what to do by all means lets do it. I don't care what I have to do, I don't care if I am turned into a mousaka as long as I know I am a mousaka"

"I'm afraid that definitively, I know nothing. Certainly, there is the option of hypnotic regression to allow what occurred in the past two be drawn forward, but there are things about that which give me pause, make me unsure of whether or not I want to subject you to it. But, please, don't allow frustration to make you so jaded and defeated that you're actually talking about being happy as a Greek eggplant dish."

messiah_me December 9 2006, 15:46:28 UTC

I couldn't help but smile at that. In some ways he is just so geeky, but its cute. "Thank you Wesley...but there is still a lot you haven't told me.." I look at him. "Like how Connor ended up in a hell dimension in the first place, and just wondering...why does Willow look at me like I killed her puppy in a past life?" I knew the two weren't related, but that had been bothering me.

I felt as if we were dancing around a subject that he didn't want to talk about, there was something about how Connor ended up the way he is that Wesley must blame himself for. I don't know why anyone would blame him, it isn't his fault...is it?

pryce_less December 10 2006, 00:29:51 UTC

"Like how Connor ended up in a hell dimension in the first place, and just wondering...why does Willow look at me like I killed her puppy in a past life?"Sterling. Absolutely sterling. Back to the questions about Connor. Inevitablility became the cenral thought, impulse in my mind ( ... )

messiah_me December 10 2006, 01:58:33 UTC

I thought long and hard on what he said. He was actually responsible and part of me feels like I should hate him for it, but it also seems that he has had enough blame. "Oh...Umm, Wow." Part of me was shocked that he had it in him to risk everything to try and save the kid, but the other part of me could see it..sorta.

Changing the subject, that sounds good so I was going back to the other. "So Willow still hates me for something that I did in highschool...interesting." I decide to focus on that.

"Was I really that bad? and wait, you say that Xander hates me right...well then why do I have pictures of he and I?" I ask. Ok I was officially confused again. "Maybe I should...you know take this all in and give you some time alone. I know I have to be driving you insane."

pryce_less December 11 2006, 14:44:12 UTC

"Oh...Umm, Wow."

The very kind of reaction that I expected, and also, the predictably exit words were likely coming. This wa sa woman that I loved like a sister and had worked side by side, at time, closer then any other and yet, I had just convinced her that I was pondscum, lower then amoeba. It was the truth, however and there was no point in lying to her.

"So Willow still hates me for something that I did in highschool...interesting."

I nearly breathed an extremely audible sigh of relief, and also very nearly smiled.

"Well, I believe that hate is probably a strong word. She may have disliked you a lot more then, then she does now.

"Was I really that bad? and wait, you say that Xander hates me right...well then why do I have pictures of he and I?"

I hadn't seen these pictures, but knew enough to know what she was talking about.

I looked at a couple of the pictures that she was referring to.

"Well, he may not have liked you a lot, but he is a man, Cordelia and you are very stunning and were very popular..."

"Maybe I should ( ... )

messiah_me December 11 2006, 15:30:53 UTC

Was it what I wanted? Not really/ Really I just wanted to feel like this was all sinking in and something inside me would click with realization, but I wasn't getting that. "I just thought that I might be driving you nuts is all..." I said as I looked away.

I then stood up and began to pace. "Or maybe its me that is going nuts. You should just lock me away, I mean I have to be certifiable right? Who forgets the things you say I have been through? And who forgets a friend of hers nearly dying to save a child..Yeah so you should have asked someone for help, but you don't look like the type to actually do that, you look like the type to act now and pay the price later, how can I forget these things?" Ok clearly I was panicking again and talking too much.

pryce_less December 12 2006, 04:26:34 UTC

"I just thought that I might be driving you nuts is all..."

I fathomed that rweality as she referred to me potentially leaving.

All that had sustained me was rage and betrayal, and lies and then saving Angel. There wasn't a lot for me, although despair wasn't an attribute that I wished to convey to Cordy right now, knowing her very level of it.

"Or maybe its me that is going nuts. You should just lock me away, I mean I have to be certifiable right? Who forgets the things you say I have been through? And who forgets a friend of hers nearly dying to save a child..Yeah so you should have asked someone for help, but you don't look like the type to actually do that, you look like the type to act now and pay the price later, how can I forget these things?""You're not nuts, Cordy. None of us know what you went through, but it's safe to say that no other human has ever been through it before. As for what I did, I'm no hero. I should have spoken to my friends about my concerns. I should have, but at the time, I feared that I was right and ( ... )

messiah_me December 12 2006, 04:58:20 UTC

I could see that he was upset and my insanity was only making it worse. I walked over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. "Wesley.." I whisper, something that feels so odd to me, a whisper. "You made a mistake..and from what I can tell from this group, we all have. Its what you take from that mistake that makes you who you are. If you don't learn from it, if you keep doing what you have always done and never change then you are what you say you are, but if you do in fact learn from the mistake then that makes you a better person." Ok where did that come from? What is this? inspirational speeches by Cordelia...somehow I don't think I was known for them.

I didn't move, though it felt odd comforting someone like Wesley, I didn't move. "If it helps I don't hate you. Like I said, what you did was make a wrong decision, but you can't turn back time and change it so why sit here and dwell on it?"

pryce_less December 12 2006, 14:17:47 UTC

"Wesley.." I whisper, something that feels so odd to me, a whisper. "You made a mistake..and from what I can tell from this group, we all have. Its what you take from that mistake that makes you who you are. If you don't learn from it, if you keep doing what you have always done and never change then you are what you say you are, but if you do in fact learn from the mistake then that makes you a better person."Other then the obvious impulse, which was to tell Cordelia that she certainly wasn't a psychologist, another obvious impulse came to me ( ... )

messiah_me December 12 2006, 17:46:33 UTC

I sigh. Here I was trying to be the compassionate person that apparently I am not supposed to be and he shoots it down. Ok then, enough compassion from me. I step back my hand falling to my side. "I wish I could give you answers, but well you know how good I am with those." I said as I returned to my seat and picked up a book mindlessly thumbing through it.

"They seem to have forgiven you..I mean thats what it looks like anyway." I added with a shrug. After moments of thumbing through the book I wasn't even looking at I put it down. "Maybe I should go." I say as I stand once again. "If you find something..well you know where I am."

pryce_less December 12 2006, 20:17:54 UTC

"I wish I could give you answers, but well you know how good I am with those."

I shook my head.

"There is no excuse for me bringing up things like that right now. It isn't to me to influence you one way or the other. You can make the decisions when we get your memories back, and believe me, we will find a way."

They seem to have forgiven you..I mean thats what it looks like anyway."

"And that's the way it feels, even though I rescued Angel from the depths."

I put my head down. Complaining wasn't in my repetoire, generally.

She said that she was going to go.

"If you find something..well you know where I am."

"I believe that hypnotic regression therapy should at least be considered, Cordelia. It may give you your memories back, although there could be side effects that you would not want to see or feel."

messiah_me December 16 2006, 03:38:29 UTC

"Ok..if you really think thats a good idea then I guess I have to trust you...you are the smart one after all." I couldn't believe that he was thinking of hypnotizing me...but part of me didn't care. All I wanted to know was what happened, why I was here now and so clueless. I am really finding that I hate being this clueless.

"Like I said, you know where I am." and with that I left. I didn't know what else to say and honestly I was tired of talking, I just wanted to do something, anything.

pryce_less December 17 2006, 00:23:57 UTC

"Ok..if you really think thats a good idea then I guess I have to trust you...you are the smart one after all."

"Cordelia, you may not remember anything, which doesn't mean that you aren't smart, by the way, but if you did remember, you would know that you are a bright girl with a lot of heart and even more spunk then the care that you exhibit so often..."

I didn't know why, but I found myself moving next to her and cressing her. I realized that if Cordy had her memories, that she'd be 'ewwing' me, or more, smacking me, more likely, but I felt the need to comfort her. She was lost and needed it and I had been away from my friends for so long.

"Like I said, you know where I am."

It was almost as if the reflex to walk away from me when I was being affectionate had returned to her. That was what the Cordy we all knew and loved might have done, aside from smacking me or saying 'gross' to me ( ... )

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