who am I?
None of this made sense any more. They have tried to explain to me who I am, even told me what I used to do and it all sounds like something from a bad movie. I know I told them I wanted the truth and all of it, but parts of me wonder if that was the smartest choice I could have made
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The very kind of reaction that I expected, and also, the predictably exit words were likely coming. This wa sa woman that I loved like a sister and had worked side by side, at time, closer then any other and yet, I had just convinced her that I was pondscum, lower then amoeba. It was the truth, however and there was no point in lying to her.
"So Willow still hates me for something that I did in highschool...interesting."
I nearly breathed an extremely audible sigh of relief, and also very nearly smiled.
"Well, I believe that hate is probably a strong word. She may have disliked you a lot more then, then she does now.
"Was I really that bad? and wait, you say that Xander hates me right...well then why do I have pictures of he and I?"
I hadn't seen these pictures, but knew enough to know what she was talking about.
I looked at a couple of the pictures that she was referring to.
"Well, he may not have liked you a lot, but he is a man, Cordelia and you are very stunning and were very popular..."
"Maybe I should...you know take this all in and give you some time alone. I know I have to be driving you insane."
I had hardly finished my sentence and now she wanted me to leave. Possibly, she was infatuated by news concerning her and the realization about Connor in respect to my involvement with him was now sinking in and she was a little frightened?
"Very well, Cordelia, if that's what you would like."
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I then stood up and began to pace. "Or maybe its me that is going nuts. You should just lock me away, I mean I have to be certifiable right? Who forgets the things you say I have been through? And who forgets a friend of hers nearly dying to save a child..Yeah so you should have asked someone for help, but you don't look like the type to actually do that, you look like the type to act now and pay the price later, how can I forget these things?" Ok clearly I was panicking again and talking too much.
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I fathomed that rweality as she referred to me potentially leaving.
All that had sustained me was rage and betrayal, and lies and then saving Angel. There wasn't a lot for me, although despair wasn't an attribute that I wished to convey to Cordy right now, knowing her very level of it.
"Or maybe its me that is going nuts. You should just lock me away, I mean I have to be certifiable right? Who forgets the things you say I have been through? And who forgets a friend of hers nearly dying to save a child..Yeah so you should have asked someone for help, but you don't look like the type to actually do that, you look like the type to act now and pay the price later, how can I forget these things?"
"You're not nuts, Cordy. None of us know what you went through, but it's safe to say that no other human has ever been through it before. As for what I did, I'm no hero. I should have spoken to my friends about my concerns. I should have, but at the time, I feared that I was right and feared what Angel might do to me just for suspecting that I might try what I did or just for thinking that I might believe that he could kill his own child, his own child that was a miracle in the first place."
I put my head down. Did I mention something about not portraying despair seconds ago?
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I didn't move, though it felt odd comforting someone like Wesley, I didn't move. "If it helps I don't hate you. Like I said, what you did was make a wrong decision, but you can't turn back time and change it so why sit here and dwell on it?"
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Other then the obvious impulse, which was to tell Cordelia that she certainly wasn't a psychologist, another obvious impulse came to me.
"I didn't believe what I did was a mistake, Cordy. I thought with utter certainty that i was very much doing the right thing. What saddens me about it and what disturbs me as how quickly all of my friends turned on me. Gunn and Fred should not have been so quick to judge me, or hate me, or whatever it is that they do."
I didn't come here to bother her with this.
"They know that it looks like I did the wrong thing considering the facts. That is obvious, to anyone, but they fail in taking into consideration my feelings as well as Angel's in the matter.
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"They seem to have forgiven you..I mean thats what it looks like anyway." I added with a shrug. After moments of thumbing through the book I wasn't even looking at I put it down. "Maybe I should go." I say as I stand once again. "If you find something..well you know where I am."
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I shook my head.
"There is no excuse for me bringing up things like that right now. It isn't to me to influence you one way or the other. You can make the decisions when we get your memories back, and believe me, we will find a way."
They seem to have forgiven you..I mean thats what it looks like anyway."
"And that's the way it feels, even though I rescued Angel from the depths."
I put my head down. Complaining wasn't in my repetoire, generally.
She said that she was going to go.
"If you find something..well you know where I am."
"I believe that hypnotic regression therapy should at least be considered, Cordelia. It may give you your memories back, although there could be side effects that you would not want to see or feel."
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"Like I said, you know where I am." and with that I left. I didn't know what else to say and honestly I was tired of talking, I just wanted to do something, anything.
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"Cordelia, you may not remember anything, which doesn't mean that you aren't smart, by the way, but if you did remember, you would know that you are a bright girl with a lot of heart and even more spunk then the care that you exhibit so often..."
I didn't know why, but I found myself moving next to her and cressing her. I realized that if Cordy had her memories, that she'd be 'ewwing' me, or more, smacking me, more likely, but I felt the need to comfort her. She was lost and needed it and I had been away from my friends for so long.
"Like I said, you know where I am."
It was almost as if the reflex to walk away from me when I was being affectionate had returned to her. That was what the Cordy we all knew and loved might have done, aside from smacking me or saying 'gross' to me.
I nodded and watched her leave, hollow. Nothing in the world was as it should be anymore. It was deflating. All that I could do was focus on her now to take my mind off of anything that might pop into it.
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