who am I?

[messiah_me]

None of this made sense any more. They have tried to explain to me who I am, even told me what I used to do and it all sounds like something from a bad movie. I know I told them I wanted the truth and all of it, but parts of me wonder if that was the smartest choice I could have made

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[pryce_less]

"I just thought that I might be driving you nuts is all..."

I fathomed that rweality as she referred to me potentially leaving.

All that had sustained me was rage and betrayal, and lies and then saving Angel. There wasn't a lot for me, although despair wasn't an attribute that I wished to convey to Cordy right now, knowing her very level of it.

"Or maybe its me that is going nuts. You should just lock me away, I mean I have to be certifiable right? Who forgets the things you say I have been through? And who forgets a friend of hers nearly dying to save a child..Yeah so you should have asked someone for help, but you don't look like the type to actually do that, you look like the type to act now and pay the price later, how can I forget these things?"

"You're not nuts, Cordy. None of us know what you went through, but it's safe to say that no other human has ever been through it before. As for what I did, I'm no hero. I should have spoken to my friends about my concerns. I should have, but at the time, I feared that I was right and feared what Angel might do to me just for suspecting that I might try what I did or just for thinking that I might believe that he could kill his own child, his own child that was a miracle in the first place."

I put my head down. Did I mention something about not portraying despair seconds ago?

[messiah_me]

I could see that he was upset and my insanity was only making it worse. I walked over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. "Wesley.." I whisper, something that feels so odd to me, a whisper. "You made a mistake..and from what I can tell from this group, we all have. Its what you take from that mistake that makes you who you are. If you don't learn from it, if you keep doing what you have always done and never change then you are what you say you are, but if you do in fact learn from the mistake then that makes you a better person." Ok where did that come from? What is this? inspirational speeches by Cordelia...somehow I don't think I was known for them.

I didn't move, though it felt odd comforting someone like Wesley, I didn't move. "If it helps I don't hate you. Like I said, what you did was make a wrong decision, but you can't turn back time and change it so why sit here and dwell on it?"

[pryce_less]

"Wesley.." I whisper, something that feels so odd to me, a whisper. "You made a mistake..and from what I can tell from this group, we all have. Its what you take from that mistake that makes you who you are. If you don't learn from it, if you keep doing what you have always done and never change then you are what you say you are, but if you do in fact learn from the mistake then that makes you a better person."

Other then the obvious impulse, which was to tell Cordelia that she certainly wasn't a psychologist, another obvious impulse came to me.

"I didn't believe what I did was a mistake, Cordy. I thought with utter certainty that i was very much doing the right thing. What saddens me about it and what disturbs me as how quickly all of my friends turned on me. Gunn and Fred should not have been so quick to judge me, or hate me, or whatever it is that they do."

I didn't come here to bother her with this.

"They know that it looks like I did the wrong thing considering the facts. That is obvious, to anyone, but they fail in taking into consideration my feelings as well as Angel's in the matter.

[messiah_me]

I sigh. Here I was trying to be the compassionate person that apparently I am not supposed to be and he shoots it down. Ok then, enough compassion from me. I step back my hand falling to my side. "I wish I could give you answers, but well you know how good I am with those." I said as I returned to my seat and picked up a book mindlessly thumbing through it.

"They seem to have forgiven you..I mean thats what it looks like anyway." I added with a shrug. After moments of thumbing through the book I wasn't even looking at I put it down. "Maybe I should go." I say as I stand once again. "If you find something..well you know where I am."

[pryce_less]

"I wish I could give you answers, but well you know how good I am with those."

I shook my head.

"There is no excuse for me bringing up things like that right now. It isn't to me to influence you one way or the other. You can make the decisions when we get your memories back, and believe me, we will find a way."

They seem to have forgiven you..I mean thats what it looks like anyway."

"And that's the way it feels, even though I rescued Angel from the depths."

I put my head down. Complaining wasn't in my repetoire, generally.

She said that she was going to go.

"If you find something..well you know where I am."

"I believe that hypnotic regression therapy should at least be considered, Cordelia. It may give you your memories back, although there could be side effects that you would not want to see or feel."

[messiah_me]

"Ok..if you really think thats a good idea then I guess I have to trust you...you are the smart one after all." I couldn't believe that he was thinking of hypnotizing me...but part of me didn't care. All I wanted to know was what happened, why I was here now and so clueless. I am really finding that I hate being this clueless.

"Like I said, you know where I am." and with that I left. I didn't know what else to say and honestly I was tired of talking, I just wanted to do something, anything.

[pryce_less]

"Ok..if you really think thats a good idea then I guess I have to trust you...you are the smart one after all."

"Cordelia, you may not remember anything, which doesn't mean that you aren't smart, by the way, but if you did remember, you would know that you are a bright girl with a lot of heart and even more spunk then the care that you exhibit so often..."

I didn't know why, but I found myself moving next to her and cressing her. I realized that if Cordy had her memories, that she'd be 'ewwing' me, or more, smacking me, more likely, but I felt the need to comfort her. She was lost and needed it and I had been away from my friends for so long.

"Like I said, you know where I am."

It was almost as if the reflex to walk away from me when I was being affectionate had returned to her. That was what the Cordy we all knew and loved might have done, aside from smacking me or saying 'gross' to me.

I nodded and watched her leave, hollow. Nothing in the world was as it should be anymore. It was deflating. All that I could do was focus on her now to take my mind off of anything that might pop into it.