Death sentence
This week I saw a doctor who actually deals with super, super morbidly obese people on a daily basis. Verdict? I will be dead at 40 if I don't turn this around.
Dead. Gone. Forever.
It's not like I thought I would live forever...heck it's not like I even though I would live to say 60 at this size, but I never thought I wouldn't see past 40. Don't get me wrong, I get that I could die tomorrow as none of it is up to me, but to know 100% without a doubt that if I keep this up I will never see a day over 40 is eye opening. Sobering.
I was up on the scale yet again, which is crazy to me because I haven't eaten any more than I normally do and I was moving more (even though it's extremely painful), but somehow in less than a month I gained 11 pounds. So I am now at 684 pounds. Creeping ever closer to the 700 pound mark. I'm actually not even sure how I'm still walking at this point, it hurts so much.
I'm simply exhausted. Mentally and physically. I no longer sleep for more than a hour at a time. If I'm on my back too long my legs and back start to kill me, so then I turn to my stomach and eventually my arms fall asleep from sleeping on them, so I have to turn over. I can't sleep on my side because of lymphedema in my legs/thighs (not sure if I mentioned I was diagnosed with that horrible condition as well), I can't comfortably put them together. I do this all night long...toss and turn, try to get comfy and not be in pain. It sucks and I wake up exhausted, not to mention the amount of pain in my legs when I first wake up is beyond belief. I can barely stand to stand/walk on them first thing in the morning (no that the rest of the day is much better, but the mornings are the absolute worst) so I pretty much cry every morning. One should wake up refreshed, not wanting to go back to bed. Like I said in my last post, taking a shower is a chore and hell so I cry because of that as well...all of this makes me not even want to get out of bed and do anything at all, but I have to work, even though I am pain all day and by the time I'm done with work my pain is a 20 on a scale of 1 to 10.
I want nothing more than to live. I've said this since I started my journey eight years ago...I JUST WANT TO LIVE, but now I'm afraid I'm too far gone and maybe living isn't an option for me. I don't want to die, but I sure as fuck don't want to live like this any longer. Well, I mean I don't want to exist like this any longer, since we all know I'm not actually living.
The doctor wants me to lose 150 pounds ASAP. He wants to put me in the hospital, but that is not financially possible for me, so for the time being I am only allowed to eat three meals a day, 400 calories each. No snacks and nothing but water to drink. He's also put me on three new medications, so we'll see how those go. I start tomorrow and figure if I can be down 150 pounds by Thanksgiving, that will be good.
I'm not going to lie, I'm fucking scared to death that I am going to fail...but I've got to keep fighting because I don't want to die, that's all I know for sure.
Dead. Gone. Forever.
It's not like I thought I would live forever...heck it's not like I even though I would live to say 60 at this size, but I never thought I wouldn't see past 40. Don't get me wrong, I get that I could die tomorrow as none of it is up to me, but to know 100% without a doubt that if I keep this up I will never see a day over 40 is eye opening. Sobering.
I was up on the scale yet again, which is crazy to me because I haven't eaten any more than I normally do and I was moving more (even though it's extremely painful), but somehow in less than a month I gained 11 pounds. So I am now at 684 pounds. Creeping ever closer to the 700 pound mark. I'm actually not even sure how I'm still walking at this point, it hurts so much.
I'm simply exhausted. Mentally and physically. I no longer sleep for more than a hour at a time. If I'm on my back too long my legs and back start to kill me, so then I turn to my stomach and eventually my arms fall asleep from sleeping on them, so I have to turn over. I can't sleep on my side because of lymphedema in my legs/thighs (not sure if I mentioned I was diagnosed with that horrible condition as well), I can't comfortably put them together. I do this all night long...toss and turn, try to get comfy and not be in pain. It sucks and I wake up exhausted, not to mention the amount of pain in my legs when I first wake up is beyond belief. I can barely stand to stand/walk on them first thing in the morning (no that the rest of the day is much better, but the mornings are the absolute worst) so I pretty much cry every morning. One should wake up refreshed, not wanting to go back to bed. Like I said in my last post, taking a shower is a chore and hell so I cry because of that as well...all of this makes me not even want to get out of bed and do anything at all, but I have to work, even though I am pain all day and by the time I'm done with work my pain is a 20 on a scale of 1 to 10.
I want nothing more than to live. I've said this since I started my journey eight years ago...I JUST WANT TO LIVE, but now I'm afraid I'm too far gone and maybe living isn't an option for me. I don't want to die, but I sure as fuck don't want to live like this any longer. Well, I mean I don't want to exist like this any longer, since we all know I'm not actually living.
The doctor wants me to lose 150 pounds ASAP. He wants to put me in the hospital, but that is not financially possible for me, so for the time being I am only allowed to eat three meals a day, 400 calories each. No snacks and nothing but water to drink. He's also put me on three new medications, so we'll see how those go. I start tomorrow and figure if I can be down 150 pounds by Thanksgiving, that will be good.
I'm not going to lie, I'm fucking scared to death that I am going to fail...but I've got to keep fighting because I don't want to die, that's all I know for sure.