How has this become my life?
Wow. I haven't posted in a year and four months (someone pointed this out to me...I didn't even realize it had been so long!), but you would think it was four years based upon how drastic of a turn my life has taken. Despite me trying over and over to keep this weight off...I have done nothing but gain. I am now closer to 700 pounds. What??? How did this happen??? How is this my life??? That's fucking terrifying, yet no matter how little I eat, my weight doesn't go down. In fact, I'm practically bed ridden at this point. I am devastated, humiliated, and quite frankly on the verge of just giving up. I'm not sure how much fight I have left in me.
No one can seem to figure out what is wrong with me. Why I can't seem to shed this weight, no matter what I do. I get that I am huge and there are not many people my size that my doctor needs to deal with (in fact, I can't really get properly examined most times because of my size), so she's kind of at a loss...but there HAS to be a reason. All testing comes back normal, so it makes no sense what so ever. She has me on some new drugs that are supposed to help with hunger and weight loss and while they do seem to help a little, they aren't really doing anything special. As with most things in the past, I'll be down for a bit and then shoot right back up, even though i'm still doing the same thing. I hate to admit this, but if i'm going to be this big I'd really rather just go back to bingeing because then at least I could enjoy eating a bunch of shit, rather than eating half of what I normally do and being unhappy. I know that's messed up, but it makes no sense. Absolutely no sense.
I cry most mornings even trying to get out of bed as I'm in so much pain. It takes me an hour to shower and get ready for my day, even though my actual shower needs to be under 10 minutes since I cannot stand for longer than that without being in excruciating pain. I am hot and sweaty, and beet red when I get out of the shower. That's fucked up. Not to mention I am completely out of breath. It takes me about 10 minutes just to recover from my shower and then I spend the rest of the time drying off and trying to lotion my skin, as my legs get so swollen during the day that my skin is so dry and in bad shape. At least I can still shower myself and dress myself for the most part. The only thing I need help with is my socks because even sitting that is a struggle. That is of course hugely embarrassing, but if I don't wear socks my feet are in insane pain by the time I get home (probably because my shoes have to be so big for them to fit my fat, swollen feet and they slide all over).
I pretty much can no longer drive myself anywhere. It blows. I can do it if i absolutely have to, but for the most part it's more of a hassle since I have to find a super close parking spot and since it causes me horrible pain if i have to go anywhere that's more than 15 minutes away, so I just get driven the majority of the time. However, I can pretty much only fit in the passenger seat of my own car, so it blows that the boy is essentially stuck being my chauffeur. I hate that he has to do this for me (but not as much as I hate that he has to put my socks on for me, since he does enjoy driving...but his life has to revolve around the things I need to do), truthfully though I've basically become a recluse so it's really only to and from work and every now and then an appointment. So I have him drop me off at work much earlier than I need to be there because I cannot walk from the car to my desk without taking a break. I need enough time to sit down for a few minutes to catch my breath and let the pain subside before moving on to my desk. I try not to leave my desk while I'm at work as I don't want to sweat and struggle in front of my co-workers. I try to stand up and move my legs every 20 minutes or so, but by the end of the day my legs are three times the size they were in the morning. So then I have him pick me up 10 minutes after I'm done with work so that I can waddle (and yes, I literally waddle now, ugh!) my way to the half way point and rest for a bit before making the rest of my way to car. My legs are so heavy and in so much pain by the end of the day that I am practically crying by the time I get to the car. I then come home and spend the rest of my night in bed trying to get the swelling to go down so that the next day isn't more hell than normal...cause on the days I can't get the swelling to go down I can barely walk. Rinse and repeat each day, except for the weekends where I don't really leave my room from the time I get home from work until I have to go back to work. So yep, I'm pretty much bed ridden and it's the horrible. I fear that soon, if I can't get this turned around, I'll be in bed permanently.
I am missing out more on life than I have ever missed out on before and it so insanely depressing. I hate my life. Absolutely hate it. I cry a lot because I really don't want to live like this any longer, but it seems like no matter what I do I only get bigger and bigger and bigger. I want my life back so badly, but I have no clue what to do to get it back. I only eat food that is brought to me (which is just another thing that is embarrassing and horrible!) since I can't prepare my own or get my own, so the portion sizes are *normal* and I can't move much since I'm in so much pain. No one can help me with the swelling...I've been to multiple doctors and they just say it's nothing they can help with (it's gotten so bad that I can barely sleep since it hurts no matter what position I'm in and my legs are so swollen that they are just in the way and sometimes just the sheets touching them causes horrible pain) and I can't do MRI's/CT's to see if there are bigger issues since I'm too big, so it's basically just live with the swelling and pain until I lose weight. So it's nothing but a vicious cycle. I do have an inkling as to what I think the swelling is/causing it, but no doctors here really deal with it, so finding someone to help me has been a pain.
I know it probably sounds like I'm giving up, but I'm not. I promise you that. I will keep fighting...like I said, I just don't know how much fight I have left. I want my life back...I need my life back. I'm going find a way to get this done, before it kills me.
No one can seem to figure out what is wrong with me. Why I can't seem to shed this weight, no matter what I do. I get that I am huge and there are not many people my size that my doctor needs to deal with (in fact, I can't really get properly examined most times because of my size), so she's kind of at a loss...but there HAS to be a reason. All testing comes back normal, so it makes no sense what so ever. She has me on some new drugs that are supposed to help with hunger and weight loss and while they do seem to help a little, they aren't really doing anything special. As with most things in the past, I'll be down for a bit and then shoot right back up, even though i'm still doing the same thing. I hate to admit this, but if i'm going to be this big I'd really rather just go back to bingeing because then at least I could enjoy eating a bunch of shit, rather than eating half of what I normally do and being unhappy. I know that's messed up, but it makes no sense. Absolutely no sense.
I cry most mornings even trying to get out of bed as I'm in so much pain. It takes me an hour to shower and get ready for my day, even though my actual shower needs to be under 10 minutes since I cannot stand for longer than that without being in excruciating pain. I am hot and sweaty, and beet red when I get out of the shower. That's fucked up. Not to mention I am completely out of breath. It takes me about 10 minutes just to recover from my shower and then I spend the rest of the time drying off and trying to lotion my skin, as my legs get so swollen during the day that my skin is so dry and in bad shape. At least I can still shower myself and dress myself for the most part. The only thing I need help with is my socks because even sitting that is a struggle. That is of course hugely embarrassing, but if I don't wear socks my feet are in insane pain by the time I get home (probably because my shoes have to be so big for them to fit my fat, swollen feet and they slide all over).
I pretty much can no longer drive myself anywhere. It blows. I can do it if i absolutely have to, but for the most part it's more of a hassle since I have to find a super close parking spot and since it causes me horrible pain if i have to go anywhere that's more than 15 minutes away, so I just get driven the majority of the time. However, I can pretty much only fit in the passenger seat of my own car, so it blows that the boy is essentially stuck being my chauffeur. I hate that he has to do this for me (but not as much as I hate that he has to put my socks on for me, since he does enjoy driving...but his life has to revolve around the things I need to do), truthfully though I've basically become a recluse so it's really only to and from work and every now and then an appointment. So I have him drop me off at work much earlier than I need to be there because I cannot walk from the car to my desk without taking a break. I need enough time to sit down for a few minutes to catch my breath and let the pain subside before moving on to my desk. I try not to leave my desk while I'm at work as I don't want to sweat and struggle in front of my co-workers. I try to stand up and move my legs every 20 minutes or so, but by the end of the day my legs are three times the size they were in the morning. So then I have him pick me up 10 minutes after I'm done with work so that I can waddle (and yes, I literally waddle now, ugh!) my way to the half way point and rest for a bit before making the rest of my way to car. My legs are so heavy and in so much pain by the end of the day that I am practically crying by the time I get to the car. I then come home and spend the rest of my night in bed trying to get the swelling to go down so that the next day isn't more hell than normal...cause on the days I can't get the swelling to go down I can barely walk. Rinse and repeat each day, except for the weekends where I don't really leave my room from the time I get home from work until I have to go back to work. So yep, I'm pretty much bed ridden and it's the horrible. I fear that soon, if I can't get this turned around, I'll be in bed permanently.
I am missing out more on life than I have ever missed out on before and it so insanely depressing. I hate my life. Absolutely hate it. I cry a lot because I really don't want to live like this any longer, but it seems like no matter what I do I only get bigger and bigger and bigger. I want my life back so badly, but I have no clue what to do to get it back. I only eat food that is brought to me (which is just another thing that is embarrassing and horrible!) since I can't prepare my own or get my own, so the portion sizes are *normal* and I can't move much since I'm in so much pain. No one can help me with the swelling...I've been to multiple doctors and they just say it's nothing they can help with (it's gotten so bad that I can barely sleep since it hurts no matter what position I'm in and my legs are so swollen that they are just in the way and sometimes just the sheets touching them causes horrible pain) and I can't do MRI's/CT's to see if there are bigger issues since I'm too big, so it's basically just live with the swelling and pain until I lose weight. So it's nothing but a vicious cycle. I do have an inkling as to what I think the swelling is/causing it, but no doctors here really deal with it, so finding someone to help me has been a pain.
I know it probably sounds like I'm giving up, but I'm not. I promise you that. I will keep fighting...like I said, I just don't know how much fight I have left. I want my life back...I need my life back. I'm going find a way to get this done, before it kills me.