my six hundred pound life
i've mentioned plenty of times in the past that i don't see myself as *one of those people you see on a TLC show*. however, i am. in fact i'm pretty sure they had a show with the same title as my blog post. yep. just checked my dvr and there it is. for some reason i can't bring myself to watch these episodes, even though they have been on there for a year now.
i still don't think i look like that. i still don't grasp that i, myself, have a six hundred pound life.
don't get me wrong. i get that i am large. very large. but, i don't think i look like that. especially in my head (in my head, i'm fabulous, hahaha...okay, not completely, but i am not as large as i really am). when i look at pictures or try to do something *normal* or someone makes a mean, nasty comment about my weight...then and only then...i understand my actual size. but, i still don't think that i look like that.
fat is a very weird thing. i get that we all carry our weight differently, but i still don't *see* how i am over 600 pounds. granted as of my last weigh in i'm down 26 pounds (i'm at 601.4 and haven't been quite 100% yet), but i don't think i look any differently than when i was 569.8 or 500 or whatever other weight i've been in the past seven years. i guess it doesn't help that i'm pretty much still wearing the same clothes now as i was then. there are some things that don't fit (and yes, at my lowest most of my clothing was swimming on me) any longer, but for the most part i've had the same few outfits for this whole entire time.
not to mention the fact that i am completely healthy. other than my massive weight, i have no medical issues. no diabetes (not even close), no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol, no plaque build up. zip, zilch, nothing. except that i'm over six hundred pounds. my doctor was quite confused by it all as well. yes, i understand that i am young and i'm really just walking the tightrope with all of these issues (and more), but it's just so weird to not have anything wrong with me other than my weight. granted, i do have some swelling in my legs (which never happened until i hit my heaviest weight...i have an old pic where i was probably 400+ pounds, even though i would have never thought i was 400+ pounds, but my ankles were super tiny). they have yet to figure out what is causing it, but they think maybe it's mostly due to the fact that i sit for eight hours a day at my job (since it happened even after i lost 200 pounds). funny enough, that is one of the things i hate the most. since in the summer i have to cover up my legs now, cause i get cankles because of the swelling. i miss wearing capris and i hope one day it goes away completely.
there are a few things that let me know i'm over six hundred pounds. i can't stand for longer than fifteen minutes without my lower back and feet really hurting, not to mention i turn red and start to sweat. i try to keep my showers under fifteen minutes because of this...and i can't fit into a bathtub. i really, really miss taking a bath. i can't walk further than 100 feet without starting to breathe heavy and then if i go too far my back and feet start to kill me, and of course i get short of breath, turn red, and start to sweat (i hate sweating!). i can't sleep on my back for longer than a few hours at a time since my back doesn't actually lay flat on the bed, so this causes pain. when i am laying on my back, i can't sleep with my legs straight out, since my back doesn't lay flat and causes pain in my legs. i also can't sleep on my side/stomach for longer than a few hours at a time, since whichever arm i'm laying on will go numb. so this causes lots of tossing and turning, and not sleeping well. it doesn't help that we have a shitty bed as well...my tossing and turning causes the boy to wake up all the time, so i feel bad about that. none of these things happened when i was 569 or less.
my real wake up call came when we had to rent a car a few weeks ago. i couldn't fit behind the steering wheel of any of the cars they had. we requested a full size car (like an impala, which i know i can drive), but when we got there they didn't have any full size cars. they didn't even have an suv either. it was so completely embarrassing. the *luxury* car they upgraded us to (and which was my first problem) didn't have a seat that went down lower and it didn't have a steering wheel that tilted up, so this left a very small space between the steering wheel and the seat, which my thighs couldn't fit in. the guy was cool about it, but he and the boy had to watch me struggle to try and fit in two other *standard* cars (which also didn't have seats that lowered/steering wheels that tilted...do car makers forget that there are more *obese* people than not?), which was definitely horrifying. finally the guy was willing to look the other way while the boy drove the *luxury* car off the lot (he doesn't have a credit card, so that's why we couldn't legally add him as a second driver)...i fit the passenger seat just fine though. it's also weird to me that i can fit in both of our german cars just fine (although the germans are smart and their seats lower and their steering wheels tilt up)...in fact, they had a passat that left the lot just before we got there, so it would have been nice to be able to drive that. the other thing that happened on that trip, is the hotel we stayed in had wall mounted toilets. yikes! most wall mounted toilets only hold up to like 350 pounds, so i was terrified of breaking the toilet off the wall, which resulted in me having to use gas station/restaurant bathrooms that had normal floor mounted toilets.
these are not things that *normal* people have to worry about and are things i shouldn't have to either. every move of mine has to be calculated, because i have to lessen my chances of being embarrassed, more than i already am. these are all things i've learned to live with, but these aren't things that i shouldn't have to live with, yet i can't seem to change things permanently. as stated before, i haven't been 100% yet because food just calls to me and for some reason i don't know how to say no to it. i am truly addicted. it's scary how much food i can eat (because of never feeling full) and still want more. the even scarier part is i'm not even bingeing (which means i used to put away way more food). it's not normal and no one ever believes me that i don't know what full feels like, which is funny since they should be able to tell by my size that i'm being honest. i know what uncomfortable feels like, but after five minutes that goes away and i want more, more, more.
obviously i have a long way to go. lots of obstacles to overcome and changes to make, but i don't want this to be my story any longer. i want a new story. this will be the last chapter of my six hundred pound life.
my new chapter starts now...
i still don't think i look like that. i still don't grasp that i, myself, have a six hundred pound life.
don't get me wrong. i get that i am large. very large. but, i don't think i look like that. especially in my head (in my head, i'm fabulous, hahaha...okay, not completely, but i am not as large as i really am). when i look at pictures or try to do something *normal* or someone makes a mean, nasty comment about my weight...then and only then...i understand my actual size. but, i still don't think that i look like that.
fat is a very weird thing. i get that we all carry our weight differently, but i still don't *see* how i am over 600 pounds. granted as of my last weigh in i'm down 26 pounds (i'm at 601.4 and haven't been quite 100% yet), but i don't think i look any differently than when i was 569.8 or 500 or whatever other weight i've been in the past seven years. i guess it doesn't help that i'm pretty much still wearing the same clothes now as i was then. there are some things that don't fit (and yes, at my lowest most of my clothing was swimming on me) any longer, but for the most part i've had the same few outfits for this whole entire time.
not to mention the fact that i am completely healthy. other than my massive weight, i have no medical issues. no diabetes (not even close), no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol, no plaque build up. zip, zilch, nothing. except that i'm over six hundred pounds. my doctor was quite confused by it all as well. yes, i understand that i am young and i'm really just walking the tightrope with all of these issues (and more), but it's just so weird to not have anything wrong with me other than my weight. granted, i do have some swelling in my legs (which never happened until i hit my heaviest weight...i have an old pic where i was probably 400+ pounds, even though i would have never thought i was 400+ pounds, but my ankles were super tiny). they have yet to figure out what is causing it, but they think maybe it's mostly due to the fact that i sit for eight hours a day at my job (since it happened even after i lost 200 pounds). funny enough, that is one of the things i hate the most. since in the summer i have to cover up my legs now, cause i get cankles because of the swelling. i miss wearing capris and i hope one day it goes away completely.
there are a few things that let me know i'm over six hundred pounds. i can't stand for longer than fifteen minutes without my lower back and feet really hurting, not to mention i turn red and start to sweat. i try to keep my showers under fifteen minutes because of this...and i can't fit into a bathtub. i really, really miss taking a bath. i can't walk further than 100 feet without starting to breathe heavy and then if i go too far my back and feet start to kill me, and of course i get short of breath, turn red, and start to sweat (i hate sweating!). i can't sleep on my back for longer than a few hours at a time since my back doesn't actually lay flat on the bed, so this causes pain. when i am laying on my back, i can't sleep with my legs straight out, since my back doesn't lay flat and causes pain in my legs. i also can't sleep on my side/stomach for longer than a few hours at a time, since whichever arm i'm laying on will go numb. so this causes lots of tossing and turning, and not sleeping well. it doesn't help that we have a shitty bed as well...my tossing and turning causes the boy to wake up all the time, so i feel bad about that. none of these things happened when i was 569 or less.
my real wake up call came when we had to rent a car a few weeks ago. i couldn't fit behind the steering wheel of any of the cars they had. we requested a full size car (like an impala, which i know i can drive), but when we got there they didn't have any full size cars. they didn't even have an suv either. it was so completely embarrassing. the *luxury* car they upgraded us to (and which was my first problem) didn't have a seat that went down lower and it didn't have a steering wheel that tilted up, so this left a very small space between the steering wheel and the seat, which my thighs couldn't fit in. the guy was cool about it, but he and the boy had to watch me struggle to try and fit in two other *standard* cars (which also didn't have seats that lowered/steering wheels that tilted...do car makers forget that there are more *obese* people than not?), which was definitely horrifying. finally the guy was willing to look the other way while the boy drove the *luxury* car off the lot (he doesn't have a credit card, so that's why we couldn't legally add him as a second driver)...i fit the passenger seat just fine though. it's also weird to me that i can fit in both of our german cars just fine (although the germans are smart and their seats lower and their steering wheels tilt up)...in fact, they had a passat that left the lot just before we got there, so it would have been nice to be able to drive that. the other thing that happened on that trip, is the hotel we stayed in had wall mounted toilets. yikes! most wall mounted toilets only hold up to like 350 pounds, so i was terrified of breaking the toilet off the wall, which resulted in me having to use gas station/restaurant bathrooms that had normal floor mounted toilets.
these are not things that *normal* people have to worry about and are things i shouldn't have to either. every move of mine has to be calculated, because i have to lessen my chances of being embarrassed, more than i already am. these are all things i've learned to live with, but these aren't things that i shouldn't have to live with, yet i can't seem to change things permanently. as stated before, i haven't been 100% yet because food just calls to me and for some reason i don't know how to say no to it. i am truly addicted. it's scary how much food i can eat (because of never feeling full) and still want more. the even scarier part is i'm not even bingeing (which means i used to put away way more food). it's not normal and no one ever believes me that i don't know what full feels like, which is funny since they should be able to tell by my size that i'm being honest. i know what uncomfortable feels like, but after five minutes that goes away and i want more, more, more.
obviously i have a long way to go. lots of obstacles to overcome and changes to make, but i don't want this to be my story any longer. i want a new story. this will be the last chapter of my six hundred pound life.
my new chapter starts now...