I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing...
I have so much to say, but I don't even know where to start.
I guess I'm alive and that should be enough. Although every day I feel my life slipping by faster and faster.
Since my last update, so much has changed, but in the grand scheme of things it's still all the same. Shitty. I'm alone again (not surprising), I'm still pretty much bedridden (not surprising), and I'm still over 600 pounds (again, not surprising).
I actually was down 75 pounds (which I lost between August and October), which had me feeling AMAZING (I was able to put on my own socks again and was getting around so much easier) and I finally felt like I was doing what I needed to do to finally get this weight off. I was able to walk easier and stand for a little longer than normal. I was finally hopeful. I should have known it wasn't going to last.
At the end of September I got really sick and after three weeks of getting worse and worse they put me on steriods, which caused me to retain water like crazy (I could only really tell in my face, but I knew it was happening). I'm not sure if those steriods also caused something funky to happen with my leg issue, but I started to notice that was getting bigger again. I can no longer weigh on my scale at home because of the thing on my leg, so I had no clue if I was gaining or losing, but I kept doing what I had been, hoping I was losing. Sadly, that's not the case. I was supposed to have surgery last month to find out if I have cancer, but they had to call it off while I was in the operating room because they couldn't manuever me into the position they needed because of my leg.
Since July my leg has doubled in size (I have a 50+ pound growth on my upper thigh) with no signs of it getting any smaller...it just keeps getting bigger! I finally weighed in again and I'm technially only down 30 pounds now. I was so distraught when I saw that, my doctor said I have to realize I truly still am down, it's my leg growth that is causing the scale to be up. She said if I hadn't lost those 75 pounds, I'd be unable to walk any longer. While I understand that, I'm so discouraged. I haven't had fast food since August and I've only had a few sodas since then (I mainly drink water only now...not even diet soda!). I eat way less than I have in years (I try to stay between 1600 and 2000 calories) and none of it is mattering. I'm so sick of even trying if I'm just going to continue to go up because of this stupid thing.
I know the weight gain is all in my leg (the proof is in the pudding that that is where the gain has been) but the bigger this gets, the harder it is for me to walk/sit/function (I can barely fit in a car by the end of the day because my leg is so swollen). In fact, everyone comments "how can you even walk?". Trust me, it is the hardest and most painful thing ever, but I do it because I have to work. I'm in constant pain (20 on a scale of 10) any time I'm not in bed (when in bed it's only a 6 out of 10), but my doctor doesn't seem to care, she will not give me pain meds and OTC drugs only semi reduce my pain if I overdose on them, so that's not really good for my liver. Not to mention the sheer pain of my skin having to stretch to accommodate it. Soon I'm scared my skin will rip right open. Sadly, they cannot do anything to help me until I lose half of my weight, so I'm in a horrible catch 22. The only thing I can really do to lose weight is eat less and that just doesn't seem to be helping. I'm supposed to be in bed when I'm not at work (hello even less of a life than before!) because I'm to have my leg up and elevated, which is also hard to do because it's so heavy, I can barely lift my leg. I am so beyond frustrated at this point.
If I wouldn't have been stupid and would have just stuck with NS or wouldn't have gained weight before going to LA for the weight loss show, I wouldn't be in this position right now. My life would be so different. I hate myself for all the wrong decisions I have made. All the life I've missed out on and will continue to miss out. I'm so, so, so stupid.
I know I'm the one who got myself into this mess and I'm the one who has to get myself out of it, but I don't know how much fight I have left.
I guess I'm alive and that should be enough. Although every day I feel my life slipping by faster and faster.
Since my last update, so much has changed, but in the grand scheme of things it's still all the same. Shitty. I'm alone again (not surprising), I'm still pretty much bedridden (not surprising), and I'm still over 600 pounds (again, not surprising).
I actually was down 75 pounds (which I lost between August and October), which had me feeling AMAZING (I was able to put on my own socks again and was getting around so much easier) and I finally felt like I was doing what I needed to do to finally get this weight off. I was able to walk easier and stand for a little longer than normal. I was finally hopeful. I should have known it wasn't going to last.
At the end of September I got really sick and after three weeks of getting worse and worse they put me on steriods, which caused me to retain water like crazy (I could only really tell in my face, but I knew it was happening). I'm not sure if those steriods also caused something funky to happen with my leg issue, but I started to notice that was getting bigger again. I can no longer weigh on my scale at home because of the thing on my leg, so I had no clue if I was gaining or losing, but I kept doing what I had been, hoping I was losing. Sadly, that's not the case. I was supposed to have surgery last month to find out if I have cancer, but they had to call it off while I was in the operating room because they couldn't manuever me into the position they needed because of my leg.
Since July my leg has doubled in size (I have a 50+ pound growth on my upper thigh) with no signs of it getting any smaller...it just keeps getting bigger! I finally weighed in again and I'm technially only down 30 pounds now. I was so distraught when I saw that, my doctor said I have to realize I truly still am down, it's my leg growth that is causing the scale to be up. She said if I hadn't lost those 75 pounds, I'd be unable to walk any longer. While I understand that, I'm so discouraged. I haven't had fast food since August and I've only had a few sodas since then (I mainly drink water only now...not even diet soda!). I eat way less than I have in years (I try to stay between 1600 and 2000 calories) and none of it is mattering. I'm so sick of even trying if I'm just going to continue to go up because of this stupid thing.
I know the weight gain is all in my leg (the proof is in the pudding that that is where the gain has been) but the bigger this gets, the harder it is for me to walk/sit/function (I can barely fit in a car by the end of the day because my leg is so swollen). In fact, everyone comments "how can you even walk?". Trust me, it is the hardest and most painful thing ever, but I do it because I have to work. I'm in constant pain (20 on a scale of 10) any time I'm not in bed (when in bed it's only a 6 out of 10), but my doctor doesn't seem to care, she will not give me pain meds and OTC drugs only semi reduce my pain if I overdose on them, so that's not really good for my liver. Not to mention the sheer pain of my skin having to stretch to accommodate it. Soon I'm scared my skin will rip right open. Sadly, they cannot do anything to help me until I lose half of my weight, so I'm in a horrible catch 22. The only thing I can really do to lose weight is eat less and that just doesn't seem to be helping. I'm supposed to be in bed when I'm not at work (hello even less of a life than before!) because I'm to have my leg up and elevated, which is also hard to do because it's so heavy, I can barely lift my leg. I am so beyond frustrated at this point.
If I wouldn't have been stupid and would have just stuck with NS or wouldn't have gained weight before going to LA for the weight loss show, I wouldn't be in this position right now. My life would be so different. I hate myself for all the wrong decisions I have made. All the life I've missed out on and will continue to miss out. I'm so, so, so stupid.
I know I'm the one who got myself into this mess and I'm the one who has to get myself out of it, but I don't know how much fight I have left.