i live to let you shine
“You realize how creepy you sound? Let go of me or I will run.” No guarantee I’ll get too far.
Spock’s eyes flickered over his face for a long few seconds before his grip released and his fingers slid away. McCoy rubbed his arm, moving back to his seat but not sitting, inspecting his arm instead. Gonna have bruises later.
“I believe at this point even Jim would voluntarily lock us in a room.”
“At this point, we’d tear each other apart. Or wouldn’t have anything to say.” McCoy paused. “Whichever is worse.”
“It seems to me there is plenty to be said.” Spock seemed…puzzled? “This situation appears to be anything but resolved.”
“You’re tellin’ me,” McCoy muttered, his accent slipping through again. He grabbed the bourbon and took another sip. He eyed the golden liquid before holding his arm out, an offering to Spock.
“I must decline.” The Vulcan clasped his hands behind his back again.
“Suit yourself.” McCoy shrugged, then set the bottle back on the desk and remained standing. “So…you should start.”
After a moment of mulling words around in his head, Spock’s lips moved slowly. “I realize, although my actions were not fully my own will, I was…”
You’ve been dishonest with me, Spock, and that is also something new for you.
“…dishonest.”
“Oh?” McCoy didn’t miss his choice in words.
“If I were to categorize the…discomfort surrounding us, I believe “frustration” would be the word to use from my perspective.”
“You and your categories…”
Spock ignored him. “You say you wished for my presence, yet you obviously avoided me and did not allow me in Sickbay. It was the logical course of action for me to abide by those wishes. I was unaware you desired otherwise.”
McCoy rubbed his forehead. “Look…Spock…when somebody says somethin’ from a place of…well, in the state of mind I happened t’be in…” The doctor paused, then corrected himself, “…happen to be in…I didn’t exactly mean it.”
“How was I to be made aware of this?” Highly illogical. As usual.
Leonard threw up his hands. “Subtlety! Reading between the lines! Realizing that I am illogical, by your standards.”
Spock blinked. “What I ‘read’ was that you were furious and did not wish anything to do with me anymore, and did not wish to speak about it because you are illogical.”
“Oh, so I’m the problem?” McCoy’s shoulders heaved as he shook his head. “’course I am. God forbid you be wrong ’bout somethin’.”
Spock’s eyebrows furrowed, and he allowed a controlled breath to hiss out his nostrils. “Did I not just admit my fault in the situation on Sarpeidon?”
McCoy wished he would stop being so fucking clinical about the entire situation. “Not explicitly,” he replied, poison in his voice. “I’d like to hear it in plain, non-Vulcany English.”
“…for someone who wishes me to act more human, you do insist for me to be Vulcan again at the strangest times.”
“Jus’ say it, Spock.”
He seemed so weary. Spock watched the doctor cross his arms, impatience and frustration crossing his features; a sight that was quite familiar by now. Regardless…he felt his eyebrows pinch together more, and he let out another controlled breath. “What…occurred on Sarpeidon…was my fault.”
Whatever tension was left seemed to drain from McCoy. He looked as if the world were about to crush him underneath its thumb. Spock did not like it. “…yeah…it…was,” he sighed, looking at the ground.
“Are you satisfied?” Spock asked, a tad too icily. He watched the human’s head shake.
“…I mean yes, but…” he looked up, and this time it was hopelessness in his eyes. “Shit, what’re we doin’, Spock?”
The Vulcan tilted his head. “I believe you will need to clarify. To my knowledge, we are standing here talking.”
The doctor actually chuckled. “Indeed we are.” Spock took this as a good sign, even though the other man still looked disturbingly forlorn. “I mean…are we….together or not or…I guess there is no third option…”
Spock chose his words carefully, but they felt awkward in his mouth regardless. “Before our expedition two months ago…I had no intention of…stopping…what we had.”
“How about now?”
“What about yourself?” Spock inquired.
“You first.” I’m not gonna pour my damn heart out without-hell, I’ve said this to him before, when we first-aw, shit. He took another swig of liquid courage.
“I would be lying if I said I was unaware there was anything to pursue,” Spock said after what had felt like hours. “If that was the case, I would not have come here.”
For some reason, the doctor did not look so assured. But…Spock had answered his question sufficiently. The Vulcan blinked as McCoy chuckled again.
“’course. It’s only logical…”
Spock pursed his lips, not allowing his human emotions to bubble up, even though they so wanted to. “The logical course of action would be to stay separated,” he point out curtly.
“Would be,” McCoy agreed, sucking in a breath.
“For that to happen, we would have to continue to avoid each other.” Spock paused, letting his words sink into the air around them. “Yet here we are.”
“Funny how that happens.” McCoy was idly rolling the bottle between his hands, watching the alcohol inside swish around. “Logic says we avoid each other, but you break into my office to see me again.”
“…indeed.”
“…Spock,” Leonard said quietly, looking anywhere but at the Vulcan in front of him. “I don’t know what I want…”
“Please elaborate.” I require more sufficient data to comprehend what he means. Logically. It wasn’t that he was concerned that the doctor looked so uncharacteristically beaten. Spock focused his attention on McCoy, who wet his lips before continuing.
“Stay apart…or get back together. I wanna be with you. You cheated on me. ’s complex.”
“I have realized.” Spock blinked. “Yet, you make it sound so simple.”
McCoy’s head jerked up and his eyes narrowed. “This is hardly simple,” he snapped. “This is beyond not simple.”
“I did not disagree.”
The CMO took a deep breath. “Spock, you’ve seen my personal files. You know that I…I’ve had enough breakups.”
Ah. “Psychologically, you cannot handle any more.”
“’s right…” McCoy set the bottle on his desk once again, crossing his arms and staring at the floor. His broad fingers gripped his biceps slightly, and his nails looked recently bitten.
“I believe a great deal of this turmoil comes from your martyr complex,” Spock offered. McCoy looked at him incredulously.
“Again with the damn martyr complex! And who the hell is a martyr in this situation?”
“Let me rephrase,” Spock interrupted. “You feel much unnecessary guilt.”
“…y’said yourself it wasn’ my fault…so…”
“Yet you said earlier you were a burden,” the Vulcan pressed.
“Did I?” McCoy shrugged. “Probably meant it too.”
“It sounded as such.”
“So I guess I said that.”
“Illogical, and fascinating.” An eyebrow raised. “If I am the one at fault, then why do you feel guilt?”
McCoy’s fingers dug into his arms more. “It’s…I…” He looked up again. “Two failed marriages, Spock. Two. And now this. It’s....is it a coincidence, am I unlucky, were they just bitches that used me and left me behind, or’m I the problem?”
“I was under the impression a relationship is something both people must work at.” Spock would never, ever admit he got it from that illogical human courting guide. “Any failures cannot be blamed on a single person.” It was only logical.
“But three times!” McCoy protested.
“…I appear to have the same amount,” Spock mused after a few minutes of silence and McCoy scuffling around.
“You haven’ fucked up three times. Three different occasions…you can’t tell me…that I’m not…”
Spock let his embarrassment and a bit of his pride go…just for a moment. “I lost control of my emotions with Leila and Zarabeth. T’pring was, in human terms, my fiancée.
Leonard blinked. “Oh yeah…you’re kind of divorced too, aren’tcha…?”
“Indeed.”
He sighed, then scrambled for another excuse. “Well that was one time you were rejected for being yourself. The other two were modified versions of yourself. I don’t have that kind of excuse. I wasn’t changed in that cave.”
“You are also completely human; I am not.”
“I know,” McCoy grumbled. “You remind me. All th’ damn time…”
Spock resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose, and instead made another admission. “…I know you understand what it means for a Vulcan to lose control of their emotions. You were…quite eager to defend my nonhuman half to the Platonians and Zarabeth.” It is because I am nonhuman I was susceptible to these situations. It is because you were that you were unaffected.
“I would hate for you to lose yourself.” The doctor paused. “…for me to lose you, t’be honest,” he admitted.
Fascinating. “Yet you insist on me being more human.”
McCoy actually seemed half-amused. “When you’re being too Vulcan, I say be more human. When you’re being too human, I say be more Vulcan. Don’t you get it?”
Spock’s eyebrow raised at that highly illogical response. “And how is this fair, to force two juxtaposing cultures and personalities against one another?”
“Don’t you think this is a question for your parents, Spock?”
Silently, the Vulcan conceded to the CMO’s point. The human’s expression softened.
“It’s who you are, you bonehead.”
Spock wondered if Leonard had meant for it to sound as affectionate as it did. “And you are illogical.”
“I know. Don’t think I haven’t realized this.” McCoy rolled his eyes, then slowly moved for the door. “…you can follow me if y’want. I really do have some things here to attend to…but we should talk more.”
Spock turned to face him. “I am…curious…as to if we have come to a resolution.”
McCoy’s face twisted in confusion. “Sort of? I’m not sure either. I know that I’m talkin’ to you again. And I’m not gonna throw that bottle of bourbon in your face. Would be a shame to ruin a good bottle.” He passed the Vulcan. “Shame to ruin a good face.”
Spock’s eyebrow quirked upward as he matched the other man’s pace. “Indeed?”
“Oh c’mon Spock. We all know bourbon is hard to find up here. Well,” he amended, “except for Scotty. He has a Fort Knox worth of alcohol.”
“I was more referring to what you said after that.”
“Oh, that.” A smile actually broke out across McCoy’s face, and it was the first thing all evening shift to look correct to Spock. “You heard me.”
This is friendslocked until after my adivsor is done checking my Creative Writing portfolio. 8D;....
Spock’s eyes flickered over his face for a long few seconds before his grip released and his fingers slid away. McCoy rubbed his arm, moving back to his seat but not sitting, inspecting his arm instead. Gonna have bruises later.
“I believe at this point even Jim would voluntarily lock us in a room.”
“At this point, we’d tear each other apart. Or wouldn’t have anything to say.” McCoy paused. “Whichever is worse.”
“It seems to me there is plenty to be said.” Spock seemed…puzzled? “This situation appears to be anything but resolved.”
“You’re tellin’ me,” McCoy muttered, his accent slipping through again. He grabbed the bourbon and took another sip. He eyed the golden liquid before holding his arm out, an offering to Spock.
“I must decline.” The Vulcan clasped his hands behind his back again.
“Suit yourself.” McCoy shrugged, then set the bottle back on the desk and remained standing. “So…you should start.”
After a moment of mulling words around in his head, Spock’s lips moved slowly. “I realize, although my actions were not fully my own will, I was…”
You’ve been dishonest with me, Spock, and that is also something new for you.
“…dishonest.”
“Oh?” McCoy didn’t miss his choice in words.
“If I were to categorize the…discomfort surrounding us, I believe “frustration” would be the word to use from my perspective.”
“You and your categories…”
Spock ignored him. “You say you wished for my presence, yet you obviously avoided me and did not allow me in Sickbay. It was the logical course of action for me to abide by those wishes. I was unaware you desired otherwise.”
McCoy rubbed his forehead. “Look…Spock…when somebody says somethin’ from a place of…well, in the state of mind I happened t’be in…” The doctor paused, then corrected himself, “…happen to be in…I didn’t exactly mean it.”
“How was I to be made aware of this?” Highly illogical. As usual.
Leonard threw up his hands. “Subtlety! Reading between the lines! Realizing that I am illogical, by your standards.”
Spock blinked. “What I ‘read’ was that you were furious and did not wish anything to do with me anymore, and did not wish to speak about it because you are illogical.”
“Oh, so I’m the problem?” McCoy’s shoulders heaved as he shook his head. “’course I am. God forbid you be wrong ’bout somethin’.”
Spock’s eyebrows furrowed, and he allowed a controlled breath to hiss out his nostrils. “Did I not just admit my fault in the situation on Sarpeidon?”
McCoy wished he would stop being so fucking clinical about the entire situation. “Not explicitly,” he replied, poison in his voice. “I’d like to hear it in plain, non-Vulcany English.”
“…for someone who wishes me to act more human, you do insist for me to be Vulcan again at the strangest times.”
“Jus’ say it, Spock.”
He seemed so weary. Spock watched the doctor cross his arms, impatience and frustration crossing his features; a sight that was quite familiar by now. Regardless…he felt his eyebrows pinch together more, and he let out another controlled breath. “What…occurred on Sarpeidon…was my fault.”
Whatever tension was left seemed to drain from McCoy. He looked as if the world were about to crush him underneath its thumb. Spock did not like it. “…yeah…it…was,” he sighed, looking at the ground.
“Are you satisfied?” Spock asked, a tad too icily. He watched the human’s head shake.
“…I mean yes, but…” he looked up, and this time it was hopelessness in his eyes. “Shit, what’re we doin’, Spock?”
The Vulcan tilted his head. “I believe you will need to clarify. To my knowledge, we are standing here talking.”
The doctor actually chuckled. “Indeed we are.” Spock took this as a good sign, even though the other man still looked disturbingly forlorn. “I mean…are we….together or not or…I guess there is no third option…”
Spock chose his words carefully, but they felt awkward in his mouth regardless. “Before our expedition two months ago…I had no intention of…stopping…what we had.”
“How about now?”
“What about yourself?” Spock inquired.
“You first.” I’m not gonna pour my damn heart out without-hell, I’ve said this to him before, when we first-aw, shit. He took another swig of liquid courage.
“I would be lying if I said I was unaware there was anything to pursue,” Spock said after what had felt like hours. “If that was the case, I would not have come here.”
For some reason, the doctor did not look so assured. But…Spock had answered his question sufficiently. The Vulcan blinked as McCoy chuckled again.
“’course. It’s only logical…”
Spock pursed his lips, not allowing his human emotions to bubble up, even though they so wanted to. “The logical course of action would be to stay separated,” he point out curtly.
“Would be,” McCoy agreed, sucking in a breath.
“For that to happen, we would have to continue to avoid each other.” Spock paused, letting his words sink into the air around them. “Yet here we are.”
“Funny how that happens.” McCoy was idly rolling the bottle between his hands, watching the alcohol inside swish around. “Logic says we avoid each other, but you break into my office to see me again.”
“…indeed.”
“…Spock,” Leonard said quietly, looking anywhere but at the Vulcan in front of him. “I don’t know what I want…”
“Please elaborate.” I require more sufficient data to comprehend what he means. Logically. It wasn’t that he was concerned that the doctor looked so uncharacteristically beaten. Spock focused his attention on McCoy, who wet his lips before continuing.
“Stay apart…or get back together. I wanna be with you. You cheated on me. ’s complex.”
“I have realized.” Spock blinked. “Yet, you make it sound so simple.”
McCoy’s head jerked up and his eyes narrowed. “This is hardly simple,” he snapped. “This is beyond not simple.”
“I did not disagree.”
The CMO took a deep breath. “Spock, you’ve seen my personal files. You know that I…I’ve had enough breakups.”
Ah. “Psychologically, you cannot handle any more.”
“’s right…” McCoy set the bottle on his desk once again, crossing his arms and staring at the floor. His broad fingers gripped his biceps slightly, and his nails looked recently bitten.
“I believe a great deal of this turmoil comes from your martyr complex,” Spock offered. McCoy looked at him incredulously.
“Again with the damn martyr complex! And who the hell is a martyr in this situation?”
“Let me rephrase,” Spock interrupted. “You feel much unnecessary guilt.”
“…y’said yourself it wasn’ my fault…so…”
“Yet you said earlier you were a burden,” the Vulcan pressed.
“Did I?” McCoy shrugged. “Probably meant it too.”
“It sounded as such.”
“So I guess I said that.”
“Illogical, and fascinating.” An eyebrow raised. “If I am the one at fault, then why do you feel guilt?”
McCoy’s fingers dug into his arms more. “It’s…I…” He looked up again. “Two failed marriages, Spock. Two. And now this. It’s....is it a coincidence, am I unlucky, were they just bitches that used me and left me behind, or’m I the problem?”
“I was under the impression a relationship is something both people must work at.” Spock would never, ever admit he got it from that illogical human courting guide. “Any failures cannot be blamed on a single person.” It was only logical.
“But three times!” McCoy protested.
“…I appear to have the same amount,” Spock mused after a few minutes of silence and McCoy scuffling around.
“You haven’ fucked up three times. Three different occasions…you can’t tell me…that I’m not…”
Spock let his embarrassment and a bit of his pride go…just for a moment. “I lost control of my emotions with Leila and Zarabeth. T’pring was, in human terms, my fiancée.
Leonard blinked. “Oh yeah…you’re kind of divorced too, aren’tcha…?”
“Indeed.”
He sighed, then scrambled for another excuse. “Well that was one time you were rejected for being yourself. The other two were modified versions of yourself. I don’t have that kind of excuse. I wasn’t changed in that cave.”
“You are also completely human; I am not.”
“I know,” McCoy grumbled. “You remind me. All th’ damn time…”
Spock resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose, and instead made another admission. “…I know you understand what it means for a Vulcan to lose control of their emotions. You were…quite eager to defend my nonhuman half to the Platonians and Zarabeth.” It is because I am nonhuman I was susceptible to these situations. It is because you were that you were unaffected.
“I would hate for you to lose yourself.” The doctor paused. “…for me to lose you, t’be honest,” he admitted.
Fascinating. “Yet you insist on me being more human.”
McCoy actually seemed half-amused. “When you’re being too Vulcan, I say be more human. When you’re being too human, I say be more Vulcan. Don’t you get it?”
Spock’s eyebrow raised at that highly illogical response. “And how is this fair, to force two juxtaposing cultures and personalities against one another?”
“Don’t you think this is a question for your parents, Spock?”
Silently, the Vulcan conceded to the CMO’s point. The human’s expression softened.
“It’s who you are, you bonehead.”
Spock wondered if Leonard had meant for it to sound as affectionate as it did. “And you are illogical.”
“I know. Don’t think I haven’t realized this.” McCoy rolled his eyes, then slowly moved for the door. “…you can follow me if y’want. I really do have some things here to attend to…but we should talk more.”
Spock turned to face him. “I am…curious…as to if we have come to a resolution.”
McCoy’s face twisted in confusion. “Sort of? I’m not sure either. I know that I’m talkin’ to you again. And I’m not gonna throw that bottle of bourbon in your face. Would be a shame to ruin a good bottle.” He passed the Vulcan. “Shame to ruin a good face.”
Spock’s eyebrow quirked upward as he matched the other man’s pace. “Indeed?”
“Oh c’mon Spock. We all know bourbon is hard to find up here. Well,” he amended, “except for Scotty. He has a Fort Knox worth of alcohol.”
“I was more referring to what you said after that.”
“Oh, that.” A smile actually broke out across McCoy’s face, and it was the first thing all evening shift to look correct to Spock. “You heard me.”
This is friendslocked until after my adivsor is done checking my Creative Writing portfolio. 8D;....