fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
Just when you think you're over something... i mean something that was really BAD. You thought you were past it. The humilation. Degredation. Objectification. You finally collapse upon yourself like a dying star and then you start over- begin all over again. And you find yourself no longer thinking about that person. That life eater.
Your life goes on without him, as if he never existed. Never was. And you try to forget everything that anything ever happened to you.
And then his new girlfriend,who has lived so far away that she is only a ghost in your mind, MOVES TO YOUR HOME TOWN. The place you've finally become safe from all these thoughts.
And within the same breath that tells you this girl goes to your school, she manages to find you at a party. SHE, who managed to do everything you never could, finds you at a party and lets you know that she has heard oh so much about you and that she's been admiring your work for over a year and that the music he listens to all comes from you, so she's been listening to them as well.
All her music comes from ME. I can tell you one thing for god damnned sure, those mixed CDs weren't meant for anybody but him to hear. he's the ONLY person who WOULDN'T understand my meaning. I'm sure she heard right off the bat all the dripping longing I was shoving into the silences between songs.
As a lover of this atom bomb, I understood what she was telling me. I've seen the painting. I've heard the music. And I know exactly what you mean. If anything, I understand you better than most people ever will. But I'm here, he's mine, and you lost. lostlostlost.
I know that.
REALLY.
YOU THINK I DIDN'T KNOW THAT?
And it all came crashing on me without time for me to take a breath. She's here. IN FLORIDA? Oh SHIT. I can't believe it. Fuck. NO, She's here. What? No really, turn around.
"I think we should meet."
Do you really?
Do you understand what you're doing to me? I'm no threat to you! You just wanted to see if you were prettier than me. Skinnier than me. You wanted to see if you would be threatened by his past. Well here's a newsflash. You ARE prettier than me. You ARE skinnier than me. I'm sure you're way less crazy than me too. And just so you know, he destroyed me a long time ago. And I really didn't need to re-live it just so you could feel validated.
FUCK.
I can't even remember clearly enough the shocked look in my eyes, or the grin plastered to my face. All I can remember is the distinct feeling of forgetting that I was a great person with a great life.
I didn't want to meet her. I didn't want to know her name.
And now I feel the bitterness bubbling up in amounts I never dreamed I had hidden in me- a small cup that when tipped over pours black tar endlessly, and it's taking all the good things about me and dissolving them. I dyed my hair black a few weeks ago, but I can imagine that it would turn black from the ugly person that I'm turning into.
THIS SUCKS.
The worst part is now, after speaking with her, he knows. He knows that we've met. I know he does. I can feel it. I can feel him honing in on me, and my life. The life I built so perfectly to keep him from me. To keep away from me. How did he get back in? And he's coming to visit. And he'll call me. And it'll take as much effort as I have to not answer the phone.
I hope he doesn't confront me. I hope he gets the hint.
Your life goes on without him, as if he never existed. Never was. And you try to forget everything that anything ever happened to you.
And then his new girlfriend,who has lived so far away that she is only a ghost in your mind, MOVES TO YOUR HOME TOWN. The place you've finally become safe from all these thoughts.
And within the same breath that tells you this girl goes to your school, she manages to find you at a party. SHE, who managed to do everything you never could, finds you at a party and lets you know that she has heard oh so much about you and that she's been admiring your work for over a year and that the music he listens to all comes from you, so she's been listening to them as well.
All her music comes from ME. I can tell you one thing for god damnned sure, those mixed CDs weren't meant for anybody but him to hear. he's the ONLY person who WOULDN'T understand my meaning. I'm sure she heard right off the bat all the dripping longing I was shoving into the silences between songs.
As a lover of this atom bomb, I understood what she was telling me. I've seen the painting. I've heard the music. And I know exactly what you mean. If anything, I understand you better than most people ever will. But I'm here, he's mine, and you lost. lostlostlost.
I know that.
REALLY.
YOU THINK I DIDN'T KNOW THAT?
And it all came crashing on me without time for me to take a breath. She's here. IN FLORIDA? Oh SHIT. I can't believe it. Fuck. NO, She's here. What? No really, turn around.
"I think we should meet."
Do you really?
Do you understand what you're doing to me? I'm no threat to you! You just wanted to see if you were prettier than me. Skinnier than me. You wanted to see if you would be threatened by his past. Well here's a newsflash. You ARE prettier than me. You ARE skinnier than me. I'm sure you're way less crazy than me too. And just so you know, he destroyed me a long time ago. And I really didn't need to re-live it just so you could feel validated.
FUCK.
I can't even remember clearly enough the shocked look in my eyes, or the grin plastered to my face. All I can remember is the distinct feeling of forgetting that I was a great person with a great life.
I didn't want to meet her. I didn't want to know her name.
And now I feel the bitterness bubbling up in amounts I never dreamed I had hidden in me- a small cup that when tipped over pours black tar endlessly, and it's taking all the good things about me and dissolving them. I dyed my hair black a few weeks ago, but I can imagine that it would turn black from the ugly person that I'm turning into.
THIS SUCKS.
The worst part is now, after speaking with her, he knows. He knows that we've met. I know he does. I can feel it. I can feel him honing in on me, and my life. The life I built so perfectly to keep him from me. To keep away from me. How did he get back in? And he's coming to visit. And he'll call me. And it'll take as much effort as I have to not answer the phone.
I hope he doesn't confront me. I hope he gets the hint.