being emo in the computer lab
Mondays are my favorite days. That's weird? C'est Vrai.
My whole body is cold, and I don't seem to feel it. Maybe it's because I spent so much time in the searing cold last year this time around. Shivering in my sleep- realizing it only after one particular sick day where I wore two blankets and had better sleep than I'd had in months. Maybe it's because I'm not wearing gloves and scarves and two pairs of pants.
But I'm starting to think it's just that I no longer feel warmth so well anymore. It's the insides of me chipping away- the most sensitive parts of me too brittle anymore to feel much of anything. And it's really easy to bring on the cold parts. When I think about one of several simple things... No matter where I am. I think of these things and it's there- that core of cold.
The only thing that keeps me warm is the sleep I get after working so hard I feel numb. Numb like tonight. Started working at.... noon? I's 10:30 and I just completed the first 1 minute and 30 seconds of an animatic/charcter design project I'm working on.
And I got something done.
And I'm cold.
And my eyes don't hurt from the computer screen- it's more complicated than that. It's like...the comforts of bed, food, and trees are so new after the time I spend making digital things. I forget to look outside. I forget that things are real. I forget about the people who are gone. And the people I've left. There's just me and this weird little screen. And then when I bike home I remember the air and the oxygen I've been keeping from myself.
I'm so tired I can't think about anything else. And that's exactly how I like myself best.
I keep asking myself why it seems I just can't attract the opposite sex. I mean, really. Nothing ever clicks. No one seems to be interested. But I just looked in the mirror and realized...I'm crazy. I look crazy. I mean my eyes look sunk back and empty. I feel crazy. And this crazy hair cut makes it all more obvious to the outside world. Was I always this crazy? Or was it just recently that I decided to look like how I feel inside? Mismatched, disheveled, dirty, and wrinkled. My mother would say that I've stopped taking care of myself. I would say I'm enjoying treating myself poorly.
My whole body is cold, and I don't seem to feel it. Maybe it's because I spent so much time in the searing cold last year this time around. Shivering in my sleep- realizing it only after one particular sick day where I wore two blankets and had better sleep than I'd had in months. Maybe it's because I'm not wearing gloves and scarves and two pairs of pants.
But I'm starting to think it's just that I no longer feel warmth so well anymore. It's the insides of me chipping away- the most sensitive parts of me too brittle anymore to feel much of anything. And it's really easy to bring on the cold parts. When I think about one of several simple things... No matter where I am. I think of these things and it's there- that core of cold.
The only thing that keeps me warm is the sleep I get after working so hard I feel numb. Numb like tonight. Started working at.... noon? I's 10:30 and I just completed the first 1 minute and 30 seconds of an animatic/charcter design project I'm working on.
And I got something done.
And I'm cold.
And my eyes don't hurt from the computer screen- it's more complicated than that. It's like...the comforts of bed, food, and trees are so new after the time I spend making digital things. I forget to look outside. I forget that things are real. I forget about the people who are gone. And the people I've left. There's just me and this weird little screen. And then when I bike home I remember the air and the oxygen I've been keeping from myself.
I'm so tired I can't think about anything else. And that's exactly how I like myself best.
I keep asking myself why it seems I just can't attract the opposite sex. I mean, really. Nothing ever clicks. No one seems to be interested. But I just looked in the mirror and realized...I'm crazy. I look crazy. I mean my eyes look sunk back and empty. I feel crazy. And this crazy hair cut makes it all more obvious to the outside world. Was I always this crazy? Or was it just recently that I decided to look like how I feel inside? Mismatched, disheveled, dirty, and wrinkled. My mother would say that I've stopped taking care of myself. I would say I'm enjoying treating myself poorly.