(no subject)
Today, while reading an Advent devotional reading from Goshen College, it occurred to me that some of my anger may be unfounded. I have been angry that I have no "feel" for what it is that God wills me to be doing with my life right now or in the next few years. At most points in my life, I have been driven by a vision/understanding of my own will and/or of God's will for my life. The best times have been when my will and what I felt I knew of God's will were the same. In the last year or so, the only drive I have had was to finish school and reclaim my life for the things I wanted to be doing: spending time with friends and family, volunteering, becoming more physically active, and absorbing music, fine art, and literature. At no point in the last year have I felt that God was pointing me in a particular direction-and I resented Him for it. I felt abandoned and cheated. I screamed at God (to which Todd can attest). I clung to my vision that began when I was about 10 or so (to serve God by serving the physically, emotionally, or spiritually sick and poor) and nursed my anger toward God. This of course, did not contribute well to any sort of "inner peace" for me. I serve on the fellowship committee, the worship committee, and the church council (via chairing the fellowship committee), but I barely have a relationship with God right now. It's like we're both giving each other the silent treatment. I have belief, but little faith or hope. I often pray for a reconnection, but it just doesn't come. It just makes me sick.
But what I realized today is that it is possible that I already have everything I need to be following God's will right now. There may have been enough of a foundation in my past visions, connections, and education-and with what I am experiencing in my life right now-to get me through for a while. I will inevitably (and possibly very soon) come to a point in my life where I need to understand more (a "landslide period," as I used to call them), and God will be there to guide me.