Residing in the new residence
So I have spent like two days in my new place n Madison. Yes, yes, I have moved again. It is geting really easy, though I think I can do better next time. It took me one day to pack and one day to move everything and settle in and another day to buy a vaccuum and groceries. So now everyone has to come out to warm my house (house warming party) everyone, tommorrow. Ok, the day after next. even if we've never met and you may possibly, somehow read this, come to my new place on Waubesa street in Madison. I am so cited. I moved in with a couple guys from the Training Community, Jake and jordan, who are both very cool. Everything happened so fast, like within two to three days. So the first day i awoke at 6 am as the guys were gettng up for their jobs and I stepped out on the porch/balcony (second floor apt) and watched the early sun's rays paint the white snow-covered house tops with pink and orange while the squirrels danced and frolicked, chittering and chattering, from the power lines to the house to swan diving into nearby trees. My neighbor to the side is a mom and young boy-not sure about dad as I havent seen anyone. So I am excited to get to know this young king called in grace. I hope I can be an encouragement to him.
Along with all that, it seems that I have alos moved in with a family of guitars. I believe there are eight-bass as well as six-string. It is quite a sight. Jordan is like such a skinny white boy who is totally into hip-hop and droppng beats-as well he is very au-natural (like into organic foods and stuff, not naked-weirdo)-like a purist, but very casual. Jake is this like jazzy, funky cool guitar player, who is like Miles Davis cool. A very laid-back environment. Then downstairs are a few other guys, whom I have yet to know well. I have met them, but as my hours are strange, have not spent much time with. It is a very simple place, and we all share one room for sleeping and the other room is for jamming out and computer type office stuff of which I am occupying right now.
Its not like I am living in someone else's place now, this is part mine. My name is on the lease-which ends at the beginning of August, so i will be looking for another place soon-but I can stretch out and like have a say and be free to live, as opposed to tip-toeing around someone else's place. I feel a little more free. I am relieved.
Even with this emotional burst of excitement and happiness, I am still struggling to behold God and to experience His Love and believe. Many would say-read the first couple paragraphs of your own post and then think about it! But just because I may have been given good things does not mean my soul is satisfied with my relationship with the Lord. I want intimacy and do not know perfectly how to draw close. I have been taking more intentional steps to cultivating deeper intimacy with Jesus, as we reap what we sow, but is growing season always so long? Just me being a bit impatient, much more evidence I need to be bathed in grace and His blood for this. I vaguely believe that He is with me through it all and that He is carrying me, but I cant seem to see it as real. I want to touch His grace. I want to say "here, right here is the love of God, see" and hold up a nicely polished, perfect example from my everyday exisence of His grace in my life. That wouldn't be much faith then would it? No, I think not.
I feel a bit like a junky who, upon using, finds that my tolerance has gone up and to get any effect at all I need to up my dose, but am a bit afraid of what that much will do to me. Soon, I imagine, I will be desperate enough to risk it, but not quite yet. I still have too many fears. but...not as many as yesterday. I circle arounf this "self-abandonment" for God's Love and look for the safest entry possible, all the while dreaming, wondering, worrying and speculating. How do I get in?- I wonder. Like a peasant Jew in the outer court, constantly walking past the gate to the Holy Place, scheming how I can get in there, not content with simple religous duty and prayers offered where I am at. I want to experience the Greatness of God Alimghty, the Most High God! But I am a peasent Jew and have no right to access the Holy of Holies, let alone the Holy Place. I long to be a priest of God, to dwell in His glory and to behold His Light and His Majesty. I have heard of it and I wander by the gate, dreaming and deisiring, hoping to catch a glimpse of the Glory that is within those places. I ache with longing to experience the Greatness of this God who called us and delivered us from Egypt, knowing that upon meeting Him I will be reduced to ashes, but i long just the same. I need to be faced with Smeone greater than myself, greater than all humanity, greater and beyond this drab Earth that enslaves me. It will cost me my life and I consider that, though I am fearful, but I still have hunger pains deep in my soul for the Bread of Life. Lord hear my soul's stomach growl with intensity and fulfill my deep hunger. Please satisfy my canyon of desire for more of you. Like Job, I have heard of you, yet i want to know you face to face, though I know I will cover my mouth after crying out like Isaiah, "woe is me, i am a man of unclean lips and I live amongst a people of unclean lips..." If it means being scorched by You, All-Consuming Fire, then stack up the wood and pour the fuel on, cover me with oil and spark the blaze of Your consuming Glory. I need You.
Along with all that, it seems that I have alos moved in with a family of guitars. I believe there are eight-bass as well as six-string. It is quite a sight. Jordan is like such a skinny white boy who is totally into hip-hop and droppng beats-as well he is very au-natural (like into organic foods and stuff, not naked-weirdo)-like a purist, but very casual. Jake is this like jazzy, funky cool guitar player, who is like Miles Davis cool. A very laid-back environment. Then downstairs are a few other guys, whom I have yet to know well. I have met them, but as my hours are strange, have not spent much time with. It is a very simple place, and we all share one room for sleeping and the other room is for jamming out and computer type office stuff of which I am occupying right now.
Its not like I am living in someone else's place now, this is part mine. My name is on the lease-which ends at the beginning of August, so i will be looking for another place soon-but I can stretch out and like have a say and be free to live, as opposed to tip-toeing around someone else's place. I feel a little more free. I am relieved.
Even with this emotional burst of excitement and happiness, I am still struggling to behold God and to experience His Love and believe. Many would say-read the first couple paragraphs of your own post and then think about it! But just because I may have been given good things does not mean my soul is satisfied with my relationship with the Lord. I want intimacy and do not know perfectly how to draw close. I have been taking more intentional steps to cultivating deeper intimacy with Jesus, as we reap what we sow, but is growing season always so long? Just me being a bit impatient, much more evidence I need to be bathed in grace and His blood for this. I vaguely believe that He is with me through it all and that He is carrying me, but I cant seem to see it as real. I want to touch His grace. I want to say "here, right here is the love of God, see" and hold up a nicely polished, perfect example from my everyday exisence of His grace in my life. That wouldn't be much faith then would it? No, I think not.
I feel a bit like a junky who, upon using, finds that my tolerance has gone up and to get any effect at all I need to up my dose, but am a bit afraid of what that much will do to me. Soon, I imagine, I will be desperate enough to risk it, but not quite yet. I still have too many fears. but...not as many as yesterday. I circle arounf this "self-abandonment" for God's Love and look for the safest entry possible, all the while dreaming, wondering, worrying and speculating. How do I get in?- I wonder. Like a peasant Jew in the outer court, constantly walking past the gate to the Holy Place, scheming how I can get in there, not content with simple religous duty and prayers offered where I am at. I want to experience the Greatness of God Alimghty, the Most High God! But I am a peasent Jew and have no right to access the Holy of Holies, let alone the Holy Place. I long to be a priest of God, to dwell in His glory and to behold His Light and His Majesty. I have heard of it and I wander by the gate, dreaming and deisiring, hoping to catch a glimpse of the Glory that is within those places. I ache with longing to experience the Greatness of this God who called us and delivered us from Egypt, knowing that upon meeting Him I will be reduced to ashes, but i long just the same. I need to be faced with Smeone greater than myself, greater than all humanity, greater and beyond this drab Earth that enslaves me. It will cost me my life and I consider that, though I am fearful, but I still have hunger pains deep in my soul for the Bread of Life. Lord hear my soul's stomach growl with intensity and fulfill my deep hunger. Please satisfy my canyon of desire for more of you. Like Job, I have heard of you, yet i want to know you face to face, though I know I will cover my mouth after crying out like Isaiah, "woe is me, i am a man of unclean lips and I live amongst a people of unclean lips..." If it means being scorched by You, All-Consuming Fire, then stack up the wood and pour the fuel on, cover me with oil and spark the blaze of Your consuming Glory. I need You.